Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Greeny World Domination 066
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e ,
I n c o r p o r a t e d
Presents:
_.---[ The GwD ]----------------------------------------------------._
/ .----------------------------------------------------------------. \
| | ______ ____________ ___ ________ | |
| | / _____|____ ____| / \ | ____ \ | |
| | ( (___ | | / \ | |____) ) | |
| | \____ \ | | / ^ \ | __ / | |
| |________________) ) | | / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ ___________| |
| __________________/ |__|__/__/ __\__\|__| \______________ |
| ___________ \ / / \ | ____ \ / _____________ |
| | \ \ __ / / \ | |____) ) ( (___ | |
| | \ \ / \ / / ^ \ | __ / \____ \ | |
| | \ ` /\ ' / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ _______) ) | |
| | \__/ \__/__/ \__\|__| \____________/ | |
| | | |
\ `----------------------------------------------------------------' /
`------------------------------------------------------[ Special ]---'
----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue #66 -----
----- release date: 05-25-99 -----
\______________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
Not so long ago, right here in our scuzz-bucket of a galaxy, three movies
changed the world. Now, the STAR WARS saga is continuing, and we're here to
get our names associated with it in any way we can. That's right, "GwD: The
American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" is now THE unOFFICIAL STAR WARS E-ZINE.
With the release of "STAR WARS Episode I: The Phantom Menace" last week, we at
GwD decided that we might as well latch onto the hype from the film like every
other company known to man has done. Seriously...there's Official STAR WARS(tm)
toothpaste, bodywash, backpacks, skateboards, and of course, toys. And yes,
there is once again STAR WARS Brand Underwear for Kids or something like that.
Sure, I had the Luke Skywalker/X-Wing Pilot Underoos when I was a kid (who
didn't?), but I don't remember there being any Princess Leia underwear with the
first wave of movies...have no fear, though...STAR WARS merchandising is no
longer sexist...that's right...Queen Amidala underwear is now available, and
it's affordably priced...will wonders never cease?
<- CONTENTS ->
1. Restrictions Placed on Theaters Showing the New STAR WARS film
2. A True Apocalyptic Clusterfuck
3. Action Figures
4. Redneck Jedi/Samuel L. Jackson as a Jedi (sure, you've seen them before)
5. The STAR WARS Drinking Game
\_______ _______/
_______[Restrictions Placed on Theaters Showing the New STAR WARS Film]_______
/ \
(author unknown, received in e-mail)
Moviegoers in "Star Wars" costumes may be mocked by other patrons, but not
beaten
Patrons overheard repeating movie dialogue must immediately pay steep
licensing fees
In order to achieve George Lucas-level quality, theater staff must individually
inspect each Jujube
If Mark Hamill tries to convince a ticket seller that George Lucas said he
should get in for free, don't believe him. He must pay full price.
Strict seating policy: "X-Files" nerds on right, "Star Trek" nerds on left.
Previews shown before "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" may only be for "Star
Wars: The Phantom Menace"
Failure to laugh at hilarious hijinks of the alien Jar Jar Binks results in
immediate ejection
In place of overpriced movie popcorn, concession stands only permitted to
sell overpriced, official "Star Wars Tatooine Dust"
When forwarding daily ticket grosses to studio bookkeepers, theater owners
should reduce shipping costs by converting revenue to lightweight
billion-dollar bills
\_______________________ _______________________/
_______________________[A True Apocalyptic Clusterfuck]_______________________
/ \
(by The Mad Screamer)
And now a word from our sponsors:
I saw the new STAR TREK movie last night at mann's chinese theater. I had never
seen a ST movie with a mob of Trekkies before, so I wanted to see what it was
like. The line stretched out FOUR BLOCKS to get in---and I was there an hour
early! All in all, it was an odd experience that was fun, but an experience I
shall not repeat because not only did I watch the film, but I had to endure the
constant stream of commentary from the assorted TREK fans occupying every seat
of the 1000 plus theater.
It's what I call The Freak Show. Grown men and women dressed in Federation
uniforms and wearing Spock ears. Homo sapiens who can't speak proper English,
but are fluent in Klingon. A man in flowing robes claiming to be a Romulan
Ambassador. A woman sitting on a sidewalk, surrounded by candles, claiming that
she is channeling the Borg Queen.
As I watched busloads of white trash's finest pile into the theater---fully 1/3
of the 1400 person crowd was straight from the trailer park---all the while
discussing the virtues of the new Enterprise's warp capability versus the old
Enterprise's warp capability . . . I set my jaw and reminded myself why I watch
STAR WARS.
The best part, though, was the near riot that occurred when the new STAR WARS
trailer came on. The crowd gave it a standing ovation (myself included) and
then two guys with glowing lightsabers started dueling each other in the
aisle. At that point things reached a dangerously feverish pitch---a la hitler
and TRIUMPH OF THE WILL. Nobody cared what the next two trailers were and no
one was watching.
I am not joking. It was truly like being at a british soccer match. The crowd
(myself included) was ready to start tearing the place apart until they could
see the real thing. The only thing that stopped them was the glowing Paramount
logo announcing the arrival of their new chapter of the STAR TREK bible.
I maintain, though, that if the film would have been a regular movie and not a
TREK, the riot would have occurred because nothing could have stopped the mob's
insatiable craving for EPISODE ONE.
Myself included.
And as I waited and watched, only one phrase kept racing through my "energized"
mind: a true apocalyptic clusterfuck. A true apocalyptic clusterfuck. A true
apocalyptic clusterfuck.
May the Force be with you.
But in other news, I hear that there are scores of gay men looking to comfort
Michael J. Fox . . .
\______________________________ ________________________________/
______________________________[Action Figures]________________________________
/ \
(by Pezzy)
Ok, Hasbro used to make GI-JOES, back in the wonderful days of poseable action
figures for 2-4 bucks. They had lots of weapons, and every figure fit into a
vehicle. It was cool.
Then, Hasbro fell to the Dark Side. They started making gimmicky GI-JOES with
less poseability and compatibility with other figures and vehicles. They'd
talk, shoot projectile plastic, or come with toxic ooze...Snake-Eyes, the best
GI-JOE ever, was given some stupid push-my-leg-and-i-swing-my-arm "Karate Chop."
Yet, for some reason, his legs only moved a little and his waist was attached to
them (previous versions had all the poseability of a human waist...and more--if
you wanted to stretch them out and ruin them, they'd twist 358 degrees). While
all this horrible perversion was happening to the toys, Hasbro also was
influencing the storylines in the comic book to sell more of their shitty toys.
Where once, we had a good story about Snake-Eyes and Storm-Shadow battling
everyone to free their friends from a southwest Asian death camp, now we had
Toxic-Sludge Flint saving a neighborhood from Gangster Joe and his drug-pushing
stupid-looking toy characters. It all went down the toilet quickly.
Anyway, I said all that to say this: Kenner made the original Star Wars
figures, and I doubt any of them costed over 4 bucks. Hasbro is making the new
Star Wars figures. They cost 6 bucks and they make noises. They're just as
poseable as the original Kenner ones, so I guess that's ok, but they should also
cost the same as the original Kenner ones. For the same price, we can get a
Todd McFarlane Ozzy Osbourne, Spawn, or other cool figure like the ones I have,
and we can actually move their limbs around!
Oh well. I am just very freaking opinionated when it comes to action figures.
Too many kids are sold junk in a pretty package, and it irks me something
fierce.
\__________________ __________________/
__________________[Redneck Jedi/Samuel L. Jackson as a Jedi]__________________
/ \
(authors unknown, received in e-mail on many occasions)
-= Redneck Jedi =-
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to
wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the Dark Side...
it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the
window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty
good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."
-= Samuel L. Jackson (a.k.a. the coolest man alive) =-
The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master, Mace Windu,"
say in the Star Wars Prequel.
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the
motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it
did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to
kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't
got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. Now don't be all down on the DARK side of the force, you know what I'm sayin?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother Fucker."
[If you've seen "The Phantom Menace," then you know that Mr. Jackson doesn't
come through for us...but worry not...Episodes II & III are still to come, and
Mace Windu is likely to be in one or both of them.]
\________________________ _________________________/
________________________[The STAR WARS Drinking Game]_________________________
/ \
(shamelessly stolen from "The Bad Guide to STAR WARS," compiled by Brandon
Gillespie from posts on rec.arts.sf.starwars)
To play the Star Wars Drinking game, you will need:
<-> The Star Wars Trilogy on tape (one movie for a short game)
<-> An ample supply of your favorite beverage (milk, right?)
<-> A really good sound system, so the explosions seem to happen all
around you. Kapow! (optional)
Begin by inserting your weatherbeaten "Star Wars" videotape into the big
slot on your VCR. Dim the lights for dramatic effect, and play the tape. The
game begins right as "20th Century Fox" appears on the screen.
Once the game has begun, you watch the movie for the listed events.
Everytime one of them occurs, everybody takes a drink.
Drink when:
<-> Someone has a bad feeling about this.
<-> It's their only hope.
<-> An entire planet is described as having one climate.
<-> Somebody gets choked.
<-> A woman other than Leia is on screen
<-> An old Jedi starts to ramble about the Force. (Vader counts.)
<-> Somebody's hand gets cut off.
<-> A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast.
<-> There is a tremor in the Force.
<-> It's not someone's fault.
<-> One or more heroes are almost eaten by a Thing.
<-> A Jedi is much more powerful than he looks.
<-> Someone exclaims "No!"
<-> Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be
a good idea.
<=> Twice if it's not Han.
<-> Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies--it counts if
they change at the end.
<-> Someone is mind-controlled using the Force.
<-> People kiss.
<-> A good guy wears white or a bad guy wears black.
<=> Twice if a bad guy wears white and a good guy wears black (for
uniforms, only the first person on screen counts).
<=> Three times if someone hovering in between wears gray.
<-> Every time you find yourself talking to the people on screen.
<-> An elaborately made up alien has no lines.
<-> Someone or something tries to get money from Han.
<-> Some ship crashes into something after being hit.
<-> Someone has a light saber duel (includes just using light saber).
<-> An Ewok dies, and the camera lingers longer than it did when the
Death Star exploded, killing billions of people. (Fourteen
seconds. Count'em.)
<-> It is Luke's destiny.
<-> Luke whines.
<-> Luke discovers a long-lost relative.
<-> Luke fights monsters or savages.
<-> Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip.
<-> Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm.
<-> Luke is upside-down.
<-> Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time.
<=> Twice if they speak to each other.
<-> Luke's parentage is Foreshadowed.
<-> Luke refuses to take someone's advice.
<-> Luke yells "Artooooo!"
<-> Leia insults somebody.
<-> Leia wears an outfit that covers everything except her face and
hands.
<=> Twice if it covers her neck.
<=> Three times if she's almost totally nude.
<-> Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest appearance.
<-> Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective. ("...Only Imperial Stormtroopers
are so precise.")
<-> Han brags about the Millenium Falcon.
<-> Anybody insults the Millenium Falcon.
<-> Something doesn't work on the Falcon.
<=> Twice if it's the hyperdrive.
<-> Yoda uses bad grammar.
<-> Yoda talks like a fortune cookie.
<-> R2-D2 gets thrashed.
<-> R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around.
<-> C-3PO loses a body part. (Take two drinks if he is completely
dismembered.)
<-> C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he's
familiar with.
<-> A Rebel pilot is of a race other than white.
<=> Twice if they're non human (co-pilots count).
<-> A Rebel Pilot says "Nice Shot..."
<-> A Rebel Pilot says "I've been hit..."
<-> Tarkin brags about the Death Star.
<-> The Emperor cackles evilly.
<-> The Emperor has foreseen something.
<-> Vader runs into one of his kids and doesn't recognize them.
<=> Twice if he tries to kill them.
<-> Boba Fett talks.
<-> Stormtroopers shoot everywhere but where they're aiming.
<-> Stormtrooper armor proves useless.
<-> Any Imperial Ship is destroyed.
<-> A TIE fighter explodes for no reason.
The game ends when a bunch of Ewoks start dancing. No matter what you've
been drinking, you will remember this image. The last person to give up
drinking on each cue is the winner. Of course, ties are possible.
If at some point you find that no one can successfully operate the VCR
anymore, the game may as well be abandoned.
And especially for those non drinkers, there is the:
THE STAR WARS DRINKING GAME FOR MORMONS
The rules are basically the same as the other game but the drinking cues
are different. Drink when:
<-> Stormtroopers display intelligence, courage, or training in battle.
<-> Multiple Ewoks are killed.
<-> Fantastic technology is explained.
<-> Somebody listens to C-3PO.
<-> Somebody cares about the environment.
<-> The Emperor acts like a charming politician. [This was obviously written
before "Episode I" was released.]
\________________________________ _________________________________/
________________________________[Bonus Stuff]_________________________________
/ \
-= Cool Darth Vader Ascii We Stole From Somewhere We Don't Remember =-
___
_--~~| |~~--_
/ | | \
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
/__----_ | |_----__ \
|/_-~~~-_\| |/_-~~~-_\|
// # \===/ # \\
// |===| \\
/ |________|/~\|________| \
/ \ |___| / \
/ ^\ /| | |\ /^ \
/ ^\ /| | | | |\ /^ \
/ ^\/| | | | | | |\/^ \
< O|_|_|_|_|_|_|O >
~\ \ ------- / /~
~\ ~\ \_____/ /~ /~
~\ ^-_____-^ /~
_________> <_________
/~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~\
-= Cool Shit =-
Check out this URL:
http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/lucas/339/page1.html
It's an ASCII animation of the beginning of "Episode IV: A New Hope." Check
it out or face the wrath of Jar Jar Binks,vile creature that he is. To put it
simply (in the words of Mohawk Dave) "This rocks."
-= GwD Reviews of "The Phantom Menace" =-
"Fish-boy's gotta go." - Havoc
"It's pretty cool, but it doesn't compare to 'The Empire Strikes Back.'" - LL
"It's trash. Lots of eye candy, atrocious writing, no real story." - Bob tMotW
"It made me hard for 3 days." - Some Guy Lobo Licious overheard at work
\______________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-----------------------------<GwD Command Centers>------------------------------
GwDweb: http://www.GREENY.org/
GwD Publications: http://gwd.mit.edu/
ftp://ftp.GREENY.org/gwd/
GwD BBSes: C.H.A.O.S. - http://chaos.GREENY.org/
Snake's Den - http://www.snakeden.org/
E-Mail: gwd@GREENY.org
* GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 *
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Get on top of it!" - Han / "I'm trying!" - Leia
"There's something alive in here!" - Luke
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-+- F Y M -+-
GR33NY LIK3S mash3d p0tat03s
(NOTE: STAR WARS and related terms are registered trademarks of Lucasfilm Ltd.
STAR TREK and related terms are registered trademarks of Paramount Pictures.
GI-JOE and related terms are registered trademarks of Hasbro, Inc. [We think...]
If you don't know what we mean by "related terms," you are a deprived soul who
should kindly fuck off.
Oh yeah, and all registered trademarks are used without permission, but since
this is a free e-zine, it wouldn't really be worthwhile to sue us, would it?
So there.)
MORE THAN FIVE YEARS of ABSOLUTE CRAP! /---------------\
sort of copyright (c) MCMXCIX GwD Publications/original authors:FIGHT THE POWER:
sort of copyright (c) MCMXCIX GwD, Inc. : GwD :
All rights reserved except as noted above - ISSN 1523-1585 \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD66
