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Greeny World Domination 134
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w _____ ____ 1 333 4 "Remembering Porkins" w
D // | \ 11 3 44 by Ciacco the Hog D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 444 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 4 issue #134 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 334 4 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
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[Fair use. Fair use indeed.]
In 1977, movie audiences were charmed by the lovable Jek Porkins, the
fattest, and consequently shortest lived X-Wing pilot in the Deathstar Battle
in _Star Wars: A New Hope_. For 25 years now, one question has dominated any
Star Wars discussion: Where is Jek Porkins now? I was able to track down
William Hootkins, the man behind the fat, at his LA home. He was gracious
enough to grant me an interview, his first in 25 years. What follows is
probably the most rewarding interview of my career, so sit back with some EZ
Cheese and prepare to relive the magic. (Eating noises and girlish giggles
from when I poked his fat have been edited out of this transcript.)
Ciacco: Mr. Hootkins, thank you for taking time out of your busy day to talk
to me.
Porkins: No problem. Can I offer you something to eat?
Ciacco: No thanks; I ate before the interview
Porkins: Me too. I think I am going to order a pizza.
Ciacco: Mr. Hootkins, can you tell me how you landed the role as Porkins?
Porkins: Well that's a funny story. I wasn't actually at the 20th Century Fox
studios to audition, I just heard that they had hors d'oeuvres.
While I was stuffing my face, a woman came up to me and said, "you
must be here to audition for the fat X-Wing pilot." Then she grabbed
me by the arm as I tried to stuff more tasty treats into my pocket
and led me into a room with George Lucas and a few others. I sat down
in a chair and talked to Lucas about various snack foods for a while.
He was very thin at the time, but now you can see what a 25-year
friendship with me can do. Anyway, he sounded fairly interested in
putting me in the movie, but it wasn't until I was leaving that he
was completely convinced.
Ciacco: What happened?
Porkins: Well, I tried to get out of my chair but I was stuck between the
armrests so I uttered something like "I've got a problem here."
Lucas smiled and the rest is history.
Ciacco: Wow! That's a great story. As a morbidly obese man, did you object
to your character being named Porkins?
Porkins: No, I thought it was great. In fact after the movie, I sent off for a
form to legally change my name to Porkins, but when the form arrived
I was so hungry that I ate it. Anyway, I think it was great being a
role model to fat children everywhere. Star Wars has a great
message: you don't have to be thin or in shape to be in the
military.
Ciacco: A role model? But you were the first to die in the attack, and now
that I think about it, I'm not even really sure how you died. I
mean, it didn't show you getting shot or anything.
Porkins: Nevertheless, it was a great triumph for fat people, and it really
opened up my movie career.
Ciacco: Oh really? What movies have you been in since then?
Porkins: Well none so far, but George is going to start filming Episode 3 in a
few months and I am sure Porkins will be in it.
Ciacco: Uhh. Yeah, I'm sure he will. But even if he is, he would be a boy in
the prequel. You know they take place years before the original
trilogy, right?
Porkins: Hey, I found half a sandwich between the cushions of the couch. It's
a little moldy, but still looks tasty.
Ciacco: Ok...well, I think I am going to go now, thanks for your time and
good luck to you. In your honor I will rename my gut from Nigel to
Porkins.
Porkins: Hey I think the pizza man is at the door, can you let him in as you
leave? I think I am stuck between the armrests of the couch.
Ciacco: sure..
[Yes, we know that Mr. Hootkins has indeed been in other films. Likewise, no
offense was meant to fat people. Ciacco is a big fan and is currently
endeavoring to become one of them. And yes, this is likely one of the most
offensive files GwD has ever released.]
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Issue#134 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII/MMIII Ciacco the Hog/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LASERBEAM BOZOS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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