Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Grill 008
~`~~~`'~~'~~'
~`~~~`~~~~~~~`~~~~`~
~`~~~,~~~~'~,~~~~~,~~'~~'
~,~~~,~~~~`~~~~~~`~~~~~`~~~'~
~~~`~~~~'~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~'~
~~ ~`~~~~`~~~`~~~~~'~~
~ ~`~`~~,~~~`~~~~~
~~~~~~~~'~~
___________________ `~~~`~
/ =howard stern= / ~`~
/ / ~~
/................../ ~'
³:..-L-..-@-...-K-.: ~
³\:....-M-..........: _-----_-----_-----_---___---___
³ \:.................: _-_____-___-_-___-_-_-___-_-___
U\ ³ ~.~.~.~.~.~ ³ _-_____-___-_-___-_-_-___-_-___
³ \³_____o*oOo*o_____³ _-__--_----__-___-_-_---_-_---_
³__U________________ U _-___-_-___-_-___-_-___-_-___-_
³\ ³ \³ _-----_-___-_-----_-----_-----_
A_\³_________________³
O\ ³ \³ - ð - i S S U E # 8? - ð -
\A_________________A "Never repulsive, always emulsive!"
O O
Unreadable font by Quarex, grill ascii by. . NOT Swiss Pope. YEAH, NOT.
=-=-[DECEMBER 25, 1996]-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
| |
| CONTENTS OF ISSUE #8 OF GRILL (The Zine for Heretics): |
| |
| <1> Closing |
| <2> Hail to England, and not Frat Parties |
| <3> Letter to Santa |
| <4> Role-Playing Morality |
| <5> The Section of Grill where I make fun of Christ |
| <6> A Thing Ghort wrote almost Four Years ago |
| <7> Progression of Hatred |
| <8> Carnage |
| <9> Nintendo Dating Secrets |
| <10> Rant & Rave About Various Things |
| |
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[ You want Babes? Take a look around you! ]
[ Quarex ]
Now it begins. The introduction to yet another issue of Grill.
You'll notice a rather shocking difference in this issue from the old
ones almost immediately: I've started formatting the lines at 74 instead
of 78, since I found out that 78 is not conducive to elm, pine, or any of
the many wonderfully shitty mail programs available to the typical net
nerd. Actually, I think it looks better anyway, so ALL HAIL SHIT!
My parents are gone for a week, I have Hawkwind cranked, and it's
almost 6 AM. Does it get any better than this? I doubt it. Oh fuck,
gotta go feed & protect the cat. I knew there was a hitch somewhere.
Actually, there's a lot of shit I should be doing right now. However,
I've been lulled into a false sense of irresponsibility since I obtained
my first job. That's right, Quarex is employed. As terrifying as that
thought is, I work at a used CD store, so you can all breathe a sigh of
relief. Yes, Quarex occupies his hours of labor doing difficult tasks
such as typing in reference numbers on albums people are buying, and
turning Overkill up when some unlucky browser asks "Hey, what is this?
These guys are crazy!".
I realize I just referred to customers as some variety of inanimate
object, whose only function is to scan through the countless titles we
have available, waiting to strike when it finds that title it's been
searching for in REAL cd stores for weeks. Snapping at the chance to
save about two dollars, they pop up at my desk, eagerly throwing the disc
at me, expecting me to know if it's good or not. "Yes, I can heartily
recommend this Green Day import from the United Arab Emirates. It was a
great concert. I was there."
Parents looking to buy presents for their children are worse yet.
How many times have I encountered this scenario: A middle aged woman
walks up to me, hands me three CDs, and asks me to recommend something
along the same vein. "Let's see. Nine Inch Nails, Social Distortion,
and Andy Williams. Hmm. . you might want to try Dark Throne, or maybe
the new Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal. Aisle 4. Thank you, drive
through."
There are certainly highlights to the job, though. I love working
around music, it gives me a chance to listen to absolutely EVERYTHING out
there, be it the Collective Soul remix of D'Angelo's "Sex Me" or the
AC/DC Christmas album. There's no better feeling than sipping on a
rancid pink lemonade from Jimmy John's while hearing AC/DC droning along
to "Frosty the snow-cunt".
Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. Maybe all this wonderful weather is
starting to affect my rational mind, while my emotional mind is out
playing field hockey with the entire U.S. Navy. Whatever the case may
be, it's about a week until I release this puppy, and nobody's submitted
shit yet. I've often thought of the prospect of releasing an entire
issue filled with my ramblings, but never thought I'd see the day until
this time. Oh well. Perhaps if I go watch that softcore porn flick
about the women with such provocative (and realistic) secret agent names
as "Cobra", "Scorpion", "She Who Walks Behind The Rows" and "Die Krupp"
then my mind will be more at ease. Drift on, friends, drift on. .
./. FIN .\.
[ Hail to England, and not Frat Parties. ]
[ Ghort ]
Billy Pilgrim has become unstuck in time.
Hey! It's two hours after Grill 8 is supposed to be released and
Q-Dog hasn't released it yet, because no one has really written much.
Merry fuckin Christmas. I'm going to write the article that I was going
to write anyway, therefore. I am in Q's basement with Captain Rat,
Swisspope, and Kreeg. We're listening to the new Din disc, and I'm going
to incorporate the environment into the article as best I can. To that
effect, anything that someone says that I feel should be included shall
be quoted as per this format: [Raven: "Nevermore."] There's going to be
regular quotes (paraphrased of course, this shit happened like a month
ago) too, so I don't want you to get confused. Now let's begin, shall
we? The topic is girls, so I'll start with them. There are these things
called girls, see? No, that *that* far back. Now I'm going to throw in
conversation from the room to give me a couple extra moments to think of
what I want to say.
[Ghort: "Hey somebody say something that I can put in the article."]
[Captain Rat: "My dick is very large."]
[G: "Um...."]
There, wasn't that nice? Now on with the story.... Background
information: Ghort goes to college, doesn't go to frat parties, and
doesn't drink. Peggy is Ghort's current romantic interest and friend.
Katie is Peggy's roomate/friend and Ghort's friend. Lisa lives down the
hall from Katie/Peggy. Peggy/Katie/Lisa are not hardcore
partiers/drinkers, but enjoy doing it once in a while. Ghort is curious,
and will try almost anything once.
[Captain Rat: "Oh shut up, it's night time. You have to say something
different."]
Lisa was invited to a frat after-hours party, and promptly invited
Peggy, Katie, and I. She also mentioned that lots of other guys and
dolls that she knew were going. Seeing as how I'm curious and will try
almost anything once, I decided to go. Now I wouldn't normally do this
kind of thing, but it turned out to be a red letter day, actually. Upon
leaving, I asked, "Shouldn't we wear our coats, considering it's well
below zero degrees celsius?"
[Swisspope: "Why do I spit so much guys?"]
[Raven: "Nevermore."]
"No, because you'll be really sorry you brought it because it's
REALLY hot at parties," replied Katie and Peggy, both wearing jeans and
regular long-sleeved shirts. I was dressed in jeans, t-shirt, and a
flannel (when am I not?). This should have been an indication of where
the night was going, but I was but a Naive American Teenager (tm). It
was piss-poor logic, but it seemed to make sense at the time. Actually
it didn't, but having no experience in these matters, I decided to throw
caution to the wind and leave my coat in Peggy's room.
"Where is this party anyway?" I asked. Someone pointed a lazy
finger in the general direction of the rest of campus. "Okay," I said.
We proceeded (in sub-zero temperatures) to another dorm, to pick up more
people who were to go with us to the party. The dorm was about a block
away, but by the time we got there I was already a bit cold. Lisa did
bring her coat, but that doesn't matter, because she's immortal anyway.
Well, not really.
Arriving at the first Co-Partygoer Pick-Up Spot (tm), I realized
what excellent company I would be in that night. Most of the guys were
already drinking beer, while others were drinking some Watermelon
DeKuyper stuff, which is a some sort of liquor. I opted not to try it,
even though I was a bit tempted. Anyway, I could tell these were pretty
classy dudes when one commented of the DeKuyper, "Man, I don't even
consider this alcohol, it's only 30 proof!" We proceeded to finish
watching the new Sheryl Crow video (awful), and I glanced about the room,
noticing an eclectic mix of sports and scantily-clad women posters. Then
we went to someone's room across the hall, whose collection was ENTIRELY
scantily-clad women and maybe one Bulls poster.
We continued on to the next Co-Partygoer Pick-Up Spot (tm), this
time a girls' dorm. I knew where it was; apparently no one else did, or
had very little idea. Actually I was quite amazed that, as we were
walking, the guys that we had just met couldn't find their way to the
Quad. THESE WERE PEOPLE WHO ATTEND THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT
URBANA-CHAMPAIGN. But I'm not making judgements. No, really. One of
the drinking guys brought up sports, "I am the number ONE fucking Alabama
fan!"
"Yeah, who fucking got you into them?" Another retorted.
"Fuck you man!" (The witty comeback).
A change of subject resulted. "How about fucking Illinois
football man."
"The quarterback is a fucking bitch. I could kick his ass." At
this point I began to realize what usefullness stereotypes have. This
type of conversation continued, with short interruptions regarding tits
or beer, for the better part of the four block walk to the next dorm.
Actually, it was the worst part of the four block walk. I remained
silent, having little to contribute.
When we got to Busey-Evans (the dorm with the girls in it) one of
the guys we were with threw his empty beer bottle on the ground and
pulled another one out of his pocket. Did I mention that we were all
pretty much freezing? I'll take this opportunity to point out that
Busey-Evans dorm is VERY close to my dorm, Allen Hall. If you haven't
already figured this out, we could have worn our coats and then dropped
them off at my room before heading to the party, which I was partially
convinced that we'd never make it to because we were walking all over
campus and no one could really tell me where we were going. After
picking up more girls that I didn't know (I still only knew Lisa, Peggy,
and Katie. I prefered it that way, actually.). We contined to walk. I
saw a bottlecap lying on the ground and kicked it. I still distinctly
remember the little "tink tink tink" it made as it bounced across the
sidewalk. Okay, there's my fucking concrete image. That's when I got the
idea to write a Grill article about the night. Se la vida eh, I love
you.
We walked around the block and FINALLY made it to the party, which
was at some frat house pretty much all the way across campus from where
we had started. It had Greek letters on the front I think. At the door
we were met by a frat guy who said we had to had tickets. Up until this
time we had all been assured that it would be easy to get in and there
would be no problems. The guy at the door said we had to either have
tickets or know someone in the house. Lisa knew three, so she eventually
haggled and got us in. We followed the sound of bass through the haze of
cigarette smoke and finally found our way to the dance floor. Adjacent
to that was the place where you get beer. Here I was introduced to the
If You're A Girl You Can Get Anything At A Frat Party Principle (tm).
Supposedly you have to have beer tickets or you don't get beer, but all a
girl has to do is go up and say, "Hey can I have a beer?" That didn't
really matter to me because beer tastes like piss and I didn't want any,
but I observed the principle. Woo, I'm a fucking scientist.
Peggy and Katie got beer and we went to the dance floor. When we
there La Bouche was playing, which I could dance to. The dance floor was
incredibly crowded, mostly with guys who were only interested in getting
drunk and touching (un)suspecting girls asses. We formed a tight circle
(saftey in numbers) and I spent the next few songs being asked by Peggy
and Katie to position myself between themselves and such guys. After La
Bouche, the DJ played an hour-and-a-half long house song (or it might
have been many different house songs played consecutively, I couldn't
tell).
It was difficult to get into the music because there was almost no
space to dance, the music was not very inspiring, and the two people who
were humping each other right next to me were distracting. Actually, it
only got really distracting when some other guy came up and started
humping her from the other side. At one point I turned around to find
them sandwiched together, humping, grinding, and bent over at about 60
degrees (pi over three).
Peggy and I left and made the incredibly long and frigid walk back
to her dorm. She resolved never to go to a frat party without the proper
winter attire, I resolved to never go to a frat party again (unless they
play Pet Shop Boys), we fell asleep, yeah. End of fucking story.
[Quarex: "Phil, check the book for Kid Icarus codes."]
[CR: "This is one of the stupid games where you hit select."]
[R: "Nevermore."]
The Stargate figurine on top of the monitor is staring at me.
Fucker. Swisspope is perched atop the couch, watching Captain Rat play
Kid Icarus, the Nintendo game with awful, annoying music. Quarex is
observing also. Kreeg is typing on the other computer, the one that
doesn't have a space bar. Odd how life can fuck with you, you know? A
keyboard without a space bar, the soap slips out of your hand and
onto the floor of the shower, your blacklight Marilyn Manson poster just
doesn't have that luster anymore.
[CR: "What the shit?"]
[G: "Jon, say something."]
[S: "Fuck you."]
[Kreeg: "There were three beams before I moved to Toledo, but now there
seem to only be two."]
"Poo-too-weet."
<>< FIN ><>
[ Letter to Santa ]
[ Will Egen ]
This is a letter to a newspaper in Champaign, in a section specifically
for letters to Santa from children. We thought it warranted inclusion
after Pope found it.
Dear Santa,
Some of my friends don't believe in you.
I told them they are crazy. I believe in
you. Can you please bring my friend Joey
25 Beanie Babies? Then he will believe
in you. You can bring me about 50 Beanie
Babies. Thank you,
Signed, Will Egen
>>> FIN <<<
[ Role-Playing Morality ]
[ Quarex ]
I sat staring at the screen of my Pentium 166, utilizing roughly 0.01% of
its capability by playing Wasteland and listening to mods. This scenario
happens a lot. I'll talk about how pointless it is to buy new computers
when all you do is play 80s games later. This article is going to be
about role-playing.
Whilst I sat playing Wasteland, I tried picturing myself inside the game.
I would be wandering around with six other people, brandishing countless
forms of weaponry, dressed in thick leather jackets and dust imbibed
jeans. We'd crack a smile at the sight of a deformed desert dweller
getting gunned down, but that'd be nearly the only satisfaction
obtainable. Then I realized that it was just a downright silly scenario,
and started picturing myself arguing with Shetrana about how much
experience we got from the last fight.
"Hey, how come you got 192 experience? I only got 180! You only killed
one thing, and I shot up four of those guys with guns!"
"The guys with guns were easier, so they were assigned a lower experience
value."
"But the guy without a gun who you killed never even got near us! He
couldn't do a thing to us, but you got more experience anyway!
"Look, just stop complaining. Maybe you'll shoot something more valuable
next time."
"I WONDER HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE *YOU'RE* WORTH, BITCH!!?"
*sounds of Assault Rifle Fire*
DIEZELTRON GETS 340 EXPERIENCE
"That's it? 340 Experience? But she coulda killed me!"
"Oh, shut up. You don't hear me complaining when you get the experience
after I fill some robots full of buckshot and then you finish them off
with your stupid little pistol."
"THIS ISN'T A PISTOL!"
*sounds of Assault Rifle Fire*
DIEZELTRON'S ASSAULT RIFLE SKILL HAS RISEN TO LEVEL 6
DIEZELTRON GETS 120 EXPERIENCE
"ALL RIGHT! MORE SKILLS!"
Or something like that. That's the way games SHOULD work. I don't quite
know how that would happen, but it's the way things should be.
^)^ FIN ^(^
[ The Section of Grill where I make fun of Christ ]
[ Quarex ]
I figure there's no better way to ring in the alleged Birth of Christ
than to spend an entire article ripping on him. Let's briefly examine
the life of the savior.
* Jesus is born. Okay. A star appears in the sky, three hobos from some
minor arabic country see it, finish off their extremely potent whisky,
and move to investigate. They bring with them some pocket change, a
bunch of fly shit, and some kind of spice. They find these two
peasants standing over a bucket with a baby in it, and think it's
somehow their responsibility to give the shit to it. I don't get it.
* Jesus grows up. Okay, here he spent his time doing funny shit to the
neighbors like turning their five dirty clay pots into 500 dirty clay
pots through his neat cloning trick, with maybe the occasional
resurrection of a dead housefly just for the hell of it. He was
probably a good child in many ways, though, because he could have some
angels come down and mop up the filth in his room if his parents ever
got mad at it being dirty.
* Jesus goes into that one temple that collapses. Okay, I don't remember
this part of the bible at all. Forget it.
* Lies make Baby Jesus Cry. Wait, that's a Simpsons quote.
* Jesus gets his feet washed by some dickhead. I don't quite remember if
that was Jesus or not, but I think it was. So he goes into some guy's
house and has him wash his feet. Great. Way to be aggressive, Jesus.
* Jesus gets nailed to some wooden thing. Okay, so the romans don't like
him being all savior-like, so they get mad and run spikes through his
hands and feet. There's nothing wrong with that, running spikes
through people's hands and feet is still a common practice today in the
nation's coffee shops. People cry, stuff gets thrown, and he's dead.
* Jesus moves the big block that was covering his shit. Yeah, he's back
alive again a few days later, big deal. Lots of people can seem dead
for a while, then recover, and wait a few days before deciding to move
the big boulder which keeps them from the outside world. I think Jesus
was just a magician with a few aces up his sleeve.
* Zuzu's Petals.
* Jesus gets plastered on commercial items. This is a more recent
development, but one which I think has done a lot for merchandise in
general. I mean, who wouldn't want a commemorative plate (or a
Lay-Z-Boy Recliner) with Jesus' head on it?
* Jesus takes the form of my pillow and asphyxiates me. Yeah, I'm
waiting for this to happen later tonight. Damn vengeful gods.
@@@ FIN @@@
[ A Thing Ghort wrote almost Four Years ago ]
[ Ghort ]
** Editor's Note
One day in _early_ 1993, while Ghort was at my house, he was making a
text file of random things, including what he wanted to name his first
born child. This is the same text file, being published four years
later. This was also VERY shortly after I created the name Ghort through
the infamous mis-type of "ghost" while we made an Ultima VI cheat code
list. :)
**
Names: (in no order whatsoever)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
First: Last:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ghort Jiraf
Fizzit Polyfom
Klept Reneb
Whaaael Ornfgarople
Jif Gif Hill
Toen Grodaen
Bernard Gilke
Rhondei Vulerei
Reesasesus C'Baolth
Xith Vlaorth
Speftergralt Bubjuggle
Tam Frecklock
Barney Fudge
Betch Kifer'r
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Occupations: (in the order that they were thought of)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
smitesmith- practiced in the art of stealth killing
werthersmith- fine butter candy maker
mixist- creator of wonderful melodious jive
simplord- Amish gang member
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Races: (from most honorable to I can't believe it's not butter)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Metallica Member- god-like; only four known to exist; sacred idols
Sysop- usually tall; high intelligence; excellent hand-eye coordination
Cosysop- similar to sysop; slightly less intelligent
Sloth- large; furry; skilled with hand(s); formidable warrior if trained
Bubble Junkie- constantly chugging Bubble Jug; highly intelligent
Prep- excessively stylish dressing; short; medium to low intelligence
Wigger- white wanna-be black gangsters; short; bald; low intelligence
#+# FIN +#+
[ Progression of Hatred ]
[ Glynis ]
** Editor's note:
These are two different e-mails that I received from Glynis. The first
one is an e-mail from the very beginning of our friendship, and the
second is from a few days ago. I just think it's funny how things like
this can happen. :)
**
From pwhite@mail.dave-world.net Sun Apr 14 14:52:46 1996
Date: Sun, 14 Apr 1996 14:54:36 -0500 (CDT)
From: Jessica White <pwhite@dave-world.net>
To: Drew <rwhunt@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu>
Subject: hi
I forgot to tell Katie to tell you hi back, so, hi.
Ok I almost had my first accident yesterday. Me and Kaite went to the
mall, don't ask why, and I was driving in the parking lot at Eastland. I
was turning into one of the rows of spaces and didn't look the other way.
THere was a van comming straight at us. And then my mom said "STOP!!!"
So I just kept going. It was cool. I was laughing and I think that made
my mom mad. Oh well! no one died. you better be on IRC tonight!
JessiCathode
THEN, MUCH LATER:
From pwhite@mail.dave-world.net Mon Dec 23 12:35:01 1996
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 12:40:33 -0600 (CST)
From: Jessica White <pwhite@dave-world.net>
To: Quarex <amhunt@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu>
Subject: Re: Hmmmmm.
He didn't tell me any of that.
I HATE YOU!!!!!!! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. GO TO HELL YOU STUPID
MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!! I DON'T EVER, EVER, *EVER* WANT TO SEE OR HEAR FROM
YOU AGAIN! I WISH I NEVER FUCKING MET YOU!!! I FINALLY AGREE WITH YOU.
YES DREW, MY LIFE WOULD BE SO FUCKING BETTER OFF IF I HAD NEVER MET
YOU!!!!!!!! YOU'RE NOT WORTH SHIT!!!
(and dont' worry, you're not gonna get any)
.,. FIN ,.,
[ Carnage ]
[ Captain Rat ]
Arr, matey. The name of the game is women, and I aim to please.
The problem is, there really aren't anymore things to say about women
that haven't been said already. Rich said most of them a while ago :)
So, I'll just put random thoughts about women here.
There will never be an attractive woman named Daria ever. I will
always find something unattractive about women named Daria. The same
thing with Mildred. These things are very petty, and yet what is petty?
Nothing at all.
Why is is that women are so sought after by men? It is because men
like chocolate, and women are filled with it. Actually, it's probably
because the ruler of the universe is a big sadistic woman. Just like in
Cerebus, where Cirin and the true-goddess Terim won over Cerebus and the
false-god Tarim. Argh. What if everyone in the clique was a woman?
Would Drew hate men same passion that he hated women with grammer is bad
and I'm not going to fix this sentence.
Would we still keep our seperate personality traits? Or would
being a woman change these things so that we became different? I think
that Drew should change his name to Drewina or Drewette, because,
obviously, doing so would make him a woman, since I am ALWAYS RIGHT.
Really, what is there to write about women? Why do women even
exist? I am certain that a woman created both this keyboard and this
text-editor, since I hate them both so much. Women are the root of all
that is not male, and since we are all male (ALL OF US) we cannot
possibly like or understand women. But yet we do like women. Why? God
damn it, why?
I have heard it said that the reason that women are attracted to
the hind-quarters of males is because every human has a need for
cleavage. Men can satisfy their need with cleavage, obviously, with
female cleavage, but women cannot look at any sort of male cleavage.
Thusly, I have heard it said, they go for the ass (to use the peasant
vernacular).
This would seem to suggest that men and women essentially have the
same needs, but must express them in different ways. This, however, is
bullshit, because if men and women have the same need for companionship,
why is it that the woman must always destroy the man's heart and soul in
her quest for love and satisfaction.
The Quest For Love And Satisfaction, starring Billy Joel and the
Avatar. Thank you, and good night.
*-= FIN =-*
[ Nintendo Dating Secrets ]
[ Various ]
Nintendo(r) Dating Secrets Greatest Tips
- An 8-bit Dating Guide for an 8-bit Kinda Guy -
A lot of you kids might be going through that transitional period
of your development when you stop being interested in video games
and you start getting interested in women. You're lost, you're
confused, you don't know what the hell you're doing. Never fear,
getting a date is as simple as getting thirty free lives in
Acclaim's Bad Dudes. That's right, think of chicks like Nintendo
games. Some games you can beat in a half an hour, others take a
little bit longer. But never fear, this is Junior High and you
have all of the time in the world in develop your own strategies
that will allow you to attain the highest score out of anyone on
your block.
But with enough ingenuity and a little bit of cheat codes, you can
have the girl of your dreams. Think about it. There are few
Nintendo games that cannot be beaten with enough practice. Except
for maybe Kid Icarus. But then again, who gives a fuck about Kid
Icarus?
--
Nintendo Game: A BOY AND HIS BLOB
Tip By: Swiss Pope
Gaming Strategy:
You can make the Boy slide off the cliff and then either run back,
or look down and fall. To perform this trick get a running start,
head for a cliff, and then simply let go of the control pad before
the Boy reaches the edge. The Boy slides and if he slides off of
the cliff you can either make him run back onto the cliff or if you
leave him alone he'll look down and fall.
Similiar Dating Situation:
There's this hot chick who you really dig, but her big fat brother
is guarding her and you can't get to her.
Dating Strategy:
Lure your dream chick and her brother to a nearby cliff. National
parks usually have cliffs. If you don't live near a cliff, go to a
nearby pit. Put a whole pumpkin pie at the bottom of the
cliff/pit. Your dream chick's fat brother will slide off of the
cliff and die, because after all, fat people will do just about
anything for pie.
---
Nintendo Game: LEGEND OF ZELDA
Tip By: Swiss Pope
Gaming Strategy:
To save time in Zelda, kill all of the enemies except for one in
each area. If you leave one enemy alive you won't face a screen
full of enemies when you return to that area - the single enemy
will remain on the screen and you can easily dodge it.
Similar Dating Situation:
You are standing in line for ice cream in your junior high school
cafeteria. All of the basketball players are hitting on the your
dream chick and you're way at the end of the line getting
sweatpants pulled down by a black kid wearing an eyepatch and a
sweatshirt that says "West Side". You really need to win the
affection of this chick, and it'll all be for the better for the
both of you in the long run. After all, you'll be making big bucks
as an editor for GamePro magazine while all of those other Starter
jersey-wearing preps will be sitting in gutters hitting each other
up for "endo".
Dating Strategy:
Pull out your sword and kill all of the basketball players in the
area. That way, when you run out of the cafeteria and then run
back in, the basketball players will not all reappear. Use this
opportunity to stab the kid who is left. Take his Charlotte Hornet
jacket and trade it for an extra heart container, then give it to
your dream chick. For extra points, kill the lunchlady too.
Chicks dig murder.
---
Nintendo Game: MAGIC OF SCHEHERAZADE
Tip By: Swiss Pope
Gaming Strategy:
These passwords take you to just before the Demon on each world:
W1UT STSO U5EU RZUW
BNG2 WSNH 2EJH YKOI
IZUY WE386 UU
Similar Dating Situation:
There's this chick from Saudi Arabia who has just transferred and
boy would you like to show her your magic.
Dating Strategy:
Go up to her and as non-chalantly as possible, say "W1UT STSO U5EU
RZUW". Enjoy that Arabian pussy. Damn you're sauve.
---
Nintendo Game: NARC
Tip By: Swiss Pope
Gaming Strategy:
Use this trick to begin the game with two continues. During the
title screen simultaneously press and hold Buttons A, B, Select,
and Up. Hit Start after you lose your last man while the timer
ticks down to continue your game.
Similar Dating Situation:
You've just been rejected for a date. Use this trick for two more
"continues".
Dating Strategy:
Ok, you're in Math class and your would-be girlfriend is sitting
right across from you. You've asked her if she wants to go to the
E3 video game convention with you, your dad, and his mild-mannered
Taiwanese co-worker. She politely declined. It looks like there
is no hope for a date with her. Well, there actually IS NO HOPE
FOR YOU. BECAUSE SHE COULD GIVE LESS A SHIT ABOUT A STUPID
ELECTRONICS SHOW, SHE'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE SPENDING THE WEEKEND
SUCKING SOME FACELESS 13-YEAR OLD DENVER BRONCOS FAN'S DICK BECAUSE
AFTER ALL, THIS IS JUNIOR HIGH.
---
Nintendo Game: Kung-Fu Heroes
Tip by: Captain Rat
Gaming Strategy:
To continue from where you were defeated, simply
press and hold Button A and hit Start when your game is over.
Similar Dating Situation:
You've committed some sort of social faux-pas with your date. Use
this trick to keep going!
Dating Strategy:
When you make a mistake in conversation, simply 'press your A
Button' and 'press Start' at the same time. Magic will happen, and
your date will ignore your mistake. Or, if this doesn't work,
press your date's A Button. Do not confuse her A Button with her B
Button, as the B Button always cancels everything, making it
necessary to start over.
---
Nintendo Game: Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf
Tip by: Quarex
Gaming Strategy:
To play as a "lefty" in this golf title, just hold Left and hit
Button A on your control pad while you're choosing your player.
Similar Dating Situation:
You've been shot down yet again by some chick with a Smashing
Pumpkins-related alias, and you're pretty bummed out, so you head
home for a nice masturbation session.
Dating (?) Strategy:
If you're getting sick of masturbating with your right hand, simply
take your left hand and "HIT" "BUTTON A". Once you're done hitting
button A, you can try switching controllers.
---
Nintendo Game: Maniac Mansion
Tip by: Quarex
Gaming Strategy:
To distract Nurse Edna so you can enter her room, have Bernard or
Jeff use the Tools to fix the phone.
Similar Dating Situation:
You need to get this chick's mom out of her room so you can climb
up the window and fuck her.
Dating Strategy:
Have one of your delinquent friends bring a wrench to her house.
Have him break a lot of shit and throw stuff at the front door,
perhaps also stomp on the flowers and filet the dog with a butcher
knife. This will get the girl out of the room for long enough for
you to get in, get IN, get OUT, and get out.
---
Nintendo Game: Bad Dudes
Tip by: Quarex
Gaming Strategy:
This trick enables you to deliver a punch that's not described in
the manual.
Similar Dating Situation:
You want to do something extremely clever to get a certain chick to
notice you.
Dating Strategy:
Wait until the school bully is making his morning rounds, then grab
the wrench out of your locker that you've prepared just for this
situation. Slip it under your boxing glove, act like you're
concentrating really hard, and wait for him to get near you. As
soon as he's within striking distance, hit him as hard as you can
in the face with your wrench-fist. It will seem as though you have
special powers, when you really just have a wrench.
---
Nintendo Game: Contra
Tip by: Kreeg
Gaming Strategy:
To recieve many lives in this game, press up, up, down, down, left,
right, left, right, b, a, start.
Similar Dating Situation:
There is a girl who is really hard to overcome. It just seems too
difficult.
Dating Strategy:
Walk up to the girl and begin pressing various parts of her. It
follows to reason that she will instantly warm up to you, and
you'll "win" the "game".
---
Nintendo Game: Super Mario Brothers
Tip by: Kreeg
Gaming Strategy:
In level 1-2 of the game, jump at the final pipe
at just the right angle, and you'll slide into the fabled "Negative
world", that lasts forever.
Similar Dating Situation:
You don't quite know how to approach this girl you know and would
really like to talk to her.
Dating Strategy:
If you approach her from a different "angle", like being very
negative and angsty, you will get her for the rest of time. Chicks
seem to dig "negative".
---
Nintendo Game: Jackal
Tip by: Kreeg
Gaming Strategy:
If you lose all your men in a two player game you can return to the
game by stealing a life from another player by pressing the A and B
buttons at the same time.
Similar Dating Situation:
Your friend dates a really fine girl, and you wanna get next to
her.
Dating Strategy:
Steal your friend's girlfriend. Press all of her high points, and
tell her that you'd be a lot better. Then, don't tell your friend
you did it. It will be a big surprise that you can give him on his
birthday!
---
Nintendo Game: Mission: Impossible
Tip by: Ghort
Gaming Strategy:
Use these passwords to begin in any area of the game: Area 2: HMPR
Area 3: KMVW
Area 4: XDGJ
Area 5: TVJL
Area 6: QBYZ
(The computer access code is MTKN)
Similar Dating Situation:
You don't really want to go through all the trouble of actually
getting this girl the right way, you just want to kiss her, feel
her up, see her naked, jump her bones, whatever.
Dating Strategy:
You just gotta know how to press all the right buttons. Use these
passwords to begin in any "area" of the relationship:
Kissing: CTRL-ALT-DELETE
French Kissing: CTRL-ALT-DELETE while wearing sunglasses
Up the shirt: impulse 199
Down the pants: Up-Arrow 217 times, B, A, B, A, Start
Up the pants: Down-Arrow 217 times, A, B, A, B, Select
Through the pockets: F12
See her naked: Throck the slirpin funkloop bupland of tyride
Mutual masturbation: Spell ASPHYXIATE thrice
Sex: Call 1-800-Accept-No-Imitations; KMFDM one world one nation
Anal Sex: Play Globnard with her for exactly 8 minutes
Oral Sex: Play a Bauhaus CD, wait
Holding hands: What kind of a fuck holds hands?!
``` FIN '''
[ Rant & Rave About Various Things ]
[ Quarex ]
I hate. Yeah, here it is, about four hours after the deadline I put on
the issue, and we're still working on it. Oh well, that's what you get
when nobody has any will to write unless forced at knifepoint. :)
- - -
I wish the people who invented the original Wolfenstein realized that
their idea would eventually spawn into Wolf 3d, which eventually spawned
Doom, then Quake. Due to the idiocy of the original creators of
Wolfenstein, JON NEVER GETS OFF MY COMPUTER. EVER.
- - -
Why is it that people are never around when you actually want to talk to
them? When you've just spent thirty minutes turning a log into a work of
art, just in order to have a nice Christmas present to give someone, the
last thing you want is for that person to be dead. Or not home. But
they're always one of those two.
- - -
I remember once when I saw this really fat guy in Thailand who looked
like Dom DeLuise, and I pointed it out to him. My mom later told me that
it was mean to say that, though I wasn't sure why.
- - -
Why isn't every light on earth a black light? They're the only damn
things that prove just HOW FILTHY everything is. "Hey, look at this,
mom! I washed the dishes for you!" <Mom whips out black light>
"AAAAAAAAAGHHHHH! LOOK AT THE FILTH! FILTH EVERYWHERE! SPIDERS! BUGS!
DUST EVERYWHERE! BACK TO WORK!"
- - -
I really don't feel like writing any more. I had a lot of fucking great
ideas for this section earlier today, but due to an excessive amount of
sitting around my basement doing nothing (and watching Ghort & Swiss Pope
smoke cherry cigars) I've become little more than a mindless drone.
- - -
Okay, so maybe I lied. You know what I really hate? I really hate
people who CLAIM TO BE YOUR FUCKING FRIEND, BUT REALLY ONLY COME OVER SO
THEY CAN BE NEAR THE GIRL THEY'RE IN LOVE WITH, WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE
THE GIRL YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH. FUCK YOU, MOTHER FUCKERS. FUCK.
- - -
While getting some chocolate milk, I happened to notice the back of the
Quik package. It said: "Jungle recipe: take two teaspoons of Chocolatey
Quik, mix into an 8 ounce glass of milk, and enjoy in the shade of a
jungle tree while you plan your next adventure!".
This sounds suspiciously like the Fisherman recipe, where you were to
take the same quantities and enjoy while sitting on a dock, waiting for a
smallmouth bass, and even more like the Prostitute recipe, where you were
to mix up some Quik while on the corner of 5th and Main, waiting for
your next trick.
- - -
Also, while I was upstairs, I saw a box that I thought said "Turn this
Box into a Beastie Boy!". But, sadly, it didn't.
- - -
How fucked up is this scenario: My friends and I hang out at my house
on Christmas Eve until 3 AM Christmas morning, and after we all get up
and open our presents, we're going to celebrate the Christmas spirit by
seeing the Beavis & Butt-Head movie. Yee-haw!
- - -
You can sneer, or disappear behind a Vanir of self-control. . .
- - -
I know I mentioned something about this in Grill #1, but it's been over a
year since that first landmark (haha!) issue came out, so I figure it's
about time to say it again.
I HATE ZINES WRITTEN IN ALL LOWERCASE. Do these people think that
grammar rules were invented for no reason or something? I still can't
bring myself to read more than a few paragraphs without proper
capitalization, it's kinda like walking through a field without flowers.
You know there should be flowers somewhere, but they're just not there.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Submissions to Grill (hahahaha) can be sent to:
Quarex - Quarex@atheist.com
Any comments about their material can be sent to:
Ghort - mpackard@uiuc.edu
Swiss Pope - swisspope@uiuc.edu
Kreeg - jmthomp@odin.cmp.ilstu.edu
Glynis - Glynis@Smashing-Pumpkins.com
Captain Rat lost his account through excessive mudding. Sorry. :) But,
he should have one again soon.
(Or, you could complain about him to me, see if I care. . .)
All material contained within this text file in its entirety is
copyrighted. No part of it may be used in any other text file, archive,
book, pamphlet, pamphsublease, pamphbunkbed, pamphyrus, pamphtera,
pamphyricon, pamph christ, pamphignon, pamphington castle, pamphers,
pamphered, pamphic tentacle, or pamph-list without express-written
consent of ME!! AND I AM QUAREX! ALL HAIL QUAREX!
The 8th issue of GRILL was completed sometime around December 25th, 1996.
JEAN-MICHEL JARRES OF CLAY! HAHAH
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
