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Going Ape Shit Press MegaZine 001
going ape shit press mega'zine #1
"skills, pills and chock full of thrills"
oh yeah baby! back in black and better than ever! we're here to smack
some sense into your pop and bend your mother over our knees and give
her a good spanking! sure it's been a while since issue 60 (yeah,
it's been way way way over a year or so) but i don't give a shit! its
even been a little while since gasp volume 2... AND I STILL DON'T CARE!
you can parody us, you can even be reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
cool and edit our t-file to your hearts content and then send it out
via the internet as your millionth zine! WOULDN'T THAT BE FUNNY?!
yeah, fucking hilarious.
we are the people your parents forgot to warn you about. "stay away
from stupid t-files!" should have been the first thing they tought
you... but i guess it's too late for that. you've been sucked in,
congradulations... welcome to hell.
welcome to gasp the MEGA'ZINE (tm, c, pat. pending).
+---------------------( dto didn't do this divider )----------------------+
oh dog, beautiful dog!
by pip the angry youth
i saw her today... my one true love... she was wondering through the
park where locust and 25th street meet... so beautiful... so
stunning... so canine... so seductive...
so furry.
i walked up to her companion, a young woman of around 21 carrying
around a portfolio and a small backpack... probably an art student or
something... but it wasn't her i was concerned with, oh no... i wanted
to get to know her companion... thing is i just can't walk up to her
and say "hey, can i fuck your dog?"... oh no... that wouldn't do... i
had to use the laid back approach...
"hi."
"hi.", she retorted.
"nice dog you have there, what's its name?"
"caitlin."
this was going nowhere fast. at least i got the dog's name out of
her... why is she being so stand offish? why did she have to be in
the way of a man and his one true love? what the hell am i going to
do now?!?
"why that's a beautiful name for such a beautiful dog.", i said as i
bent down to scratch the seductive caitlin behind her ears. she
seemed to like me quite a bit and then started licking my face.
"she seems to like you!", the woman laughed. surely she had to know
by now that i wasn't interested in seducing her. hopefully she
thought i was only trying to be friendly to her. maybe my plan was
working better than i had expected. maybe for once i could score.
after more conversation than i'm used to i learned her name was lisa
and finally convinced her to let me come back with her to their
apartment. we finally made it up to a small apartment near 18th and
sansom. it was a cozy little three bedroom apartment on the third
floor. from her window you could see down an alleyway, not much of a
view but this is philly afterall. town of asphalt views and...
i was inturrupted in mid thought by the dog sniffing at my crotch. i
didn't know how to react at first. lisa was in her bedroom changing
out of her sweatpants and into a pair of pants. what should i do?
pet its head? push it away?
unzip my pants?
[ OK! this is getting a little out of hand, don't you think? ]
[ perverts, sex, zippers and 18th street... someone's got to ]
[ put an end to this... ]
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
pip's fucked up poetry corner
(it's by pip you sillyhead!@)
- peanut butter -
peanut butter is reel fun stuff!
i like 2 eat it wit sum fluff!
ill eat it n becum so tuff!
GRRR@!#@#! ANGRY1@#@!# FUCK@!# SHIT@!#
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING PUKE@!#
- mommy's dress -
sometimes when mom's not here
i try on some of her clothes
i go into the fridge for the beer
i grab a funnel and a piece of hose
i call up my neighbor billy
he comes over dressed up right
he comes up and we drink silly
and then we make love all night
ties me up so i cannot stand
he quickly mounts me like a hound
bill knows how to treat a man
all because i get a reach around
sometimes mommy comes back
walks in on our pure love
and then she starts raising heck
she gets him off me with a shove
she doesn't understand our love
she calls bill a pervert and a slob
our actions are pure as a dove
we don't care, we finished our job
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
official jamesyrumor (tm):
i heard jamesy could suck a watermellon through a twenty foot section
of pvc pipe.
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
and now let us read from the holy book of tropical fruit flavors (tm)...
book of tripe the false prophet, chapter 34 verses 21-27
and unto the people of gasp it was said that there will be a great savior
and unto thee it has been said that the great one shall rise once more
and preach unto thee and the members of gasp
and he shall come from the holy land of Zion and bring salvation to us all
and his name shall be called pip the angry youth
and it will be good.
amen
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.d$$P""T$$b. going ape shit press k-rad info stuff
$$$$ $$$$ "hey buddy, can you spare a dime"
$$$$ $$$$
"T$$bssd$$$$
"$$$$ yeah, we're back on the scene after over a year hiatus.
.db. $$$$
"T$$bssd$$P" yeah, we have the same amount of quality controll as before.
.d$$P""T$$b. yeah, we're still run by pip the angry youth.
"T$" $$$$
$$$$ yeah, we still hate hoe (h0e sUX!@ g4SP r00lz!@#)
.d$$bssd$$$$
$$$$" $$$$ yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah... what if god was one of us.
$$$$ $$$$
"T$$bssd$$P" yeah, just a slob like one of us, just a stranger on the bus.
.d$$P""T$$b. yeah, just trying to make his way home...
$$$$ "$P"
$$$$ BACK IN BLACK AND STILL LESS CALORIES THAN THE LEADING BRAND!
"T$$bssd$$b.
"$$$$ YEAH MUTHAFUCKAH! WE BE HERE TEW FUCK SHIT _UP_!
.db. $$$$
"T$$bssd$$P" WE BE HERE TAH DISRESPECT EVERYTING YOU HOLD NEAR AND DEAR!
.d$$P""T$$b. we'll even say the word 'cunt'.
$$$$ $$$$
$$$$ $$$$ we've fucked your mom and told the bitch to cook us dinner.
$$$$bssd$$T"
$$$$ hell, your sister was pretty good too.
$$$$
"T$" and your dad? i'll fuck him when he's done mowing my lawn.
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
\|||/ that p sucks! fuck this shit!
(o O) / __ \ @@@
| o | pip has no ascii skills! -- @(.o)@ {o-o}
~|~ _<>_ |o| <- john the wonder
/~|~\ pete the robot! -> (||||) \~/ spaz!
/~\ <- jimmy the gimp! /~~~~\ o|o !
/^\ !
yeah! we should fuck shit up! !
/ don't these look !
! <- ! the !! like boot marks? !
@ <- sleeping sperm! i'm serious! -> !
(fetal position!)
X X
XXX XXX
XXXXX XX XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX X X XXX XXX XXXXX
X X X X X X X X X X X X X
XXX XXXX XX X X X XX XXXX X X XXX
X X X X X X X X X X X
X X XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX X X XXX X (c)
ascii shit (c) 1996 pip the angry youth
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
now we bet you're sitting there and wondering to yourself "what the hell
could we have done to deserve such a fate as this?"... well you have to
ask yourself another question to get the answer...
do you remember who the hell decided to download this file?!@
well?! do ya, punk?!?
(that's what we thought.)
you brought this all down on yourself, every last painful minute.
hell, we bet you must *love* pain, just to read this .nfo stuff here...
sucker.
a'ight, i'm outtie and stuff... catch you on the flipside or
something...
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
questions? comments? complaints? go shove 'em...
submissions or free food can be sent to:
duncan@digital.csionline.com
duncan@alfheim.net
*or*
duncan@dto.net
COLLECT ALL THREE!
oh yeah... SEX JOKES ARE FUNNY!
-eof-
(hey, did you ever notice that eof backwards is foe?)
