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Going Ape Shit Press 003
going ape shit press #3 by pip the angry youth
here we go, gasp is back online due to popular request (god people,
get a life allready...) =]
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top t-file thingers in the scene
10) morgue
9) mat
8) c0rpse (yeah jay, your group... the story was a classic)
7) cdc
6) undergrown
5) emigre
4) tho
3) milk
2) gasp
1) blah
this list wasn't in any sort of order, just the way it came out... for
further reading, i suggest the following:
angst, superguy series, revolt, bkn lit, cia lit, trash lit, and the
message bases on a local board...
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t-files i want to write, but havn't yet
how to blow off your fingers
why i'm not bad
how to kill someone with a tuna
how to be a tortured artist
how to be a loser
masturbation can be fun
9 nifty names for masturbation
how to be alternative
50 ways to make a scene
french bread for hand to hand combat
making incest a family vocation
slappy the love monkey's adventures
how to piss people off on the bbs
getting put in jail for life in 12 easy steps
how to be... uhhh... uhh... what's the word... spontanious
why you should be in a bell tower with a rifle
how to kill an ex signifigant other
how to start up a t-file group
how to get deported
how to be disowned by your family
10 jokes that'll gross out most people
you know what? i'm going to write some of those in this issue of
gasp... let's start with:
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masturbation can be fun
(don't tell me you didn't see this one coming)
YES! next to prostitution, masturbation is the world's oldest
vocation... there's so many names for it... smacking it, whacking the
pud, jiggleing the joystick, spanking the monkey, and playing the one
eyed skin flute... just to name a few.
* the vaseline box *
anyways, masturbation can be fun... very fun... here's one recipie
that i heard in 8th grade (oh, 8th grade, the years of puberty, girls
losing their cooties, and masturbation city)...
you'll need:
1) tissues
2) a cup from the cupboard
3) vaseline (when don't you need this?)
4) a smack in the face for trying this
here's what you do:
rub the tissues all in the vaseline, until you get them nice and
coated (you want ALOT of tissues for this baby)... once you get them all
coated, fill up the cup with them and then make a little fake 'box' in
the middle for your dick... and guess what comes next... you fuck the
shit out of the hole...
i know i know, pretty nasty... but it was 8th grade...
* pastrami on rye *
i'd like to thank rattle for sharing this one with me, him being the
buff on punk trivia knowledge...
you'll need
1) french bread (woo woo! french!)
2) salami
3) turkey
4) provolone
5) swiss
6) ham
7) mayo
here's what you do:
first you hollow out the bread to make the shell for the 'box'... then
you spread mayo all in the inside of it and then put the deli shit all
in it... you push a little around so that way you have the begennings to
an opening for the 'box' and then just shove the ole' love rod in there
and go fucking ape shit...
and when you're tired and breathless after orjizm... just eat the
sandwich... yum yum...
* snoopy *
this one is dedicated to the radiant goddess... it's called snoopy...
it's a story that she told me... about way back when, in the sick days
of human beings...
you'll need:
1) peanut butter
2) a dog
this one is short and sick...
here's what you do:
smear the peanut butter on yourself where you like it... hell, it's
your life, go crazee... call your dog in there and boy, do dogs love the
taste of peanut butter... woo woo!
ok ok ok, it wasn't all that great... but it helped you along on those
lonely nights, eh?
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9 nifty names for masturbation
slappin the salami
jiggeling the joystick
spanking the monkey
playing the one eyed skin flute
tickleing one eyed willie
juicing the pickle
praying to the love temple
launching the love rocket
smacking the pud
ok ok ok... i couldn't think of 10... so sue me... now i'm going to
get off of this masturbation kick (i really need to get laid) and talk
about something else...
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how to be alternative
first off, you have to get rid of all of your tlc, van halen, salt n'
peppa, digable planets, bryan adams, and kenny g albums... next you
have to get rid of all of the rusty, op, bugle boys, vuarnet, vision,
jimmy'z, union bay, and gotcha clothing (so no one knows you were surf
or anything in the 80s)... next you have to buy a dozen or so flannel
shirts from k-mart (so you can say that you can't afford gap)... pearl
jam, nirvana, offspring, rem, beastie boys, green day, house of pain,
rollin's, nin, bob marley, and kmfdm shirts from somewhere... thermal
shirts to wear underneath them... chuck taylors, airwalks, vans, simple,
and doc martin's are crucial to be alternative... i mean how else will
you blend in with the 'different crowd'?
after you attain the apparell, you have to do one of the following to
your hair, or a combonation of them... dip it in hot wax, dye it blue,
green, purple, white, blonde, or a combonation, grow it long, part it in
the middle... then you'll have to pierce your ears... not just once...
but a couple of times... all along the edge of your ear, and up... and
have ones in your nose, hands, armpits, nipples, belly button, and/or
eyebrows... (genitals are ok, but who else besides you sees them?
especially after what the next step is)...
don't wash yourself for a couple of weeks... yes friends... if you
want to be like everyone else... you can't wash yourself at all... soap
is straight out... throw it away... what do you care? you're different
now... you're expressing your individuality along with everyone else...
now that you stink, have 2,000 holes in your body, own all the
clothing, and have the spiffy shoes on... you must fray your jeans...
have holes all over them... cut off the cuffs on them so that way they
fray... some people (like me) are too poor and can't afford new jeans,
so they get this way by themselves... but we don't count... we're
trendy... remember, to be alternative, you have, i repeat, you have to
call everyone else trendy... because you are alternative and everyone's
just following a trend, but you're really like this...
get dressed up in these duds... and ask your mom to drive you to the
mall (or once you get your permit, maybe she'll let you drive)... new
jersey transit is also a nice way to go (but they may kick you off
because of the smell you're eminating)... sure you hung out in the mall
before you were alternative, but that was when you were foolish and were
a surfer... or a cheer leader, or whatever those trendy people were...
now you're alternative... pat yourself on the back for expressing your
individuality...
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duncan, it's dead
nod... it's dead... so much for this issue of gasp... i'll be back
later with another issue of more garbage like this one... see you
there...
