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Going Ape Shit Press 002
going ape shit press issue #2 by pip the angry youth
god, yeah... i'm releasing a 2nd text file in just as many days... i
need to bitch about something. let's bitch about mothers...
i said it before, kill your mother and your life will be much easier
to deal with... there's that whole cops messy thing that tends to happen
after that, but we'll get to that later...
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how to torture a loved one
o if they decide to make a bubble bath, throw a box or two of double
edged razor blades in.
o toss a hair dryer into the tub with them
o put a pipe bomb (or a series of them) underneath their bed
o tie them down, and beat them to death with wooden spoons like they
hit you with when you were little
o there's allways the bell tower approach...
o bash their face into a bloody pulp by slamming it into the kitchen
countertop
o before you beat them to death with the wooden spoon, run a stripped
speaker wire thru their body and then run a strong current thru it
o leave them in a room that has no visible exits with a shotgun and
nirvana blasting in their ears (like stuff off of in utero)
o force them to read the tho files 1-7 and 35.
o take out their wisdom teeth without anestetic... and if they don't
have wisdom teeth, improvise
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how to be funny when you're in front of strangers
i give credit to paul oser (probably his only claim to fame anywhere,
he's currently repairing sewing machines with his father. great guy,
just a little... strange.) for the following creamer trick.
ok, now you're all alone, and everyone else knows everyone else and
your nervous as fuck. what do you do? you order coffe. coffe comes
and you (without drawing attention to yourself) partially open one of
those creamer packets and bring it up to your eye. keeping the packet
obscured from view, you procede to make grunts, shake, say shit like 'oh
god, it hurts', and slowly let the white creamer drop into your coffe
like it's optical fluid. guarenteed to get laughs, great at parties,
guarenteed to break the ice.
after doing that one you'll get requests... trust me.
another one (this one is mine) that works like a charm (it helped me
get a visit with the child study team) is to just sit, hugging yourself.
start slowly rocking back and forth and start saying 'don't hit me
dad'.... get louder and louder while doing it and rock more... then you
say when you can't stand it anymore, 'I TOLD YOU NOT TO HIT ME YOU
MOTHER FUCKER'... and then just go silent. don't say anything, just
stare at the table top in front of you... this generally has a negative
effect on most people, but when you're doing it, it's funny as piss and
your friends will agree.
do not, i repeat do not do card tricks.
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12 step program on how to make friends
you say you havn't any friends? you say you want to meet some?
then this is the section for you! here's what you do:
1) go out and buy a computer
2) get a modem
3) call up some chat board in the area
4) do not make an ass of yourself on there
5) start talking to a guy or a girl, doesn't matter
6) some how start getting deep with them, geeks love to get deep
7) you'll be able to get their number, or they'll get yours then
they'll call you up and give you their's
8) start talking to more of the people on the chat board
9) goto one of their festivities
10) meet people at the fests
11) get their names and numbers if you like
12) enjoy your friends
there you go, and for $19.95 plush s+h you will get my book called '12
steps to getting a life' which contains this 12 step program (in greater
detail) and 101 others. the list includes 12 step programs to help you:
. stop sleeping with animals
. getting a sexual partner
. how to wipe your ass
. to keep yourself from getting a hangover (i have mastered this)
. to completely piss of your old friends
. killing yourself
send a sase to:
gasp
attn: 12 step rip offs
po box 666
toms river, nj 08722
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why courtney love is an idiot
she didn't see kurdt's suicide coming... let's make a list
o he was a heroin addict
o he's subject to severe stomach pains
o he had terminal depression
o the song 'i hate myself and want to die'
o he never showered
o the picture of him with a SHOTGUN in his mouth w/nirvana
the list goes on and on... but i don't care... i have 2 more things to
say on the subject:
o the plumber who found kurdt's dead body called up a local radio
station before he called the police
o kurdt shot up heroin, but was adamant against drinking
"alchahol? shit that stuff'll kill you..."
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poetic interlude
paper, lovely sheet of construction paper
sitting on the wall of the classroom
you're faded, you once were purple, but now are brown
the shadows of turkey's are on your face
teacher, lovely person of education
hanging from a rope in the classroom
you're turning purple, allmost completely black
i told you i didn't want to stay after
police, lovely pigs stinking my life up
breaking down the door to the classroom
i pick you off one by one as you enter the classroom
mother, i love you mother, i really do
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sheeeeit... i can't think of anything else to say... god, that
sucks... i guess i'll see you in the next issue of gasp or something
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gasp rox da haus!
