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Going Ape Shit Press 008
going ape shit press #7 by nebula
note from pip-
hey, guess i'm just going to keep a completely spazzy format to gasp,
we'll have different people popping their heads in to shout what they want
to say... and then if they want to keep on writing, that's fine... this way
we can have a varied and nifty amount of issues...
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Table of Contents
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1. Sports -- This month, we focus on the basic sports of todays teenage
population, baseball, football, basketball, and hockey.
2. Comix -- This just rules.
3. Classified -- Lose a bike? A car? A limb? Place an ad here and we're
sure someone will find that missing arm!
4. Letters to Nebby -- This is where all you lamers write letters to that
shmuck guy that writes this thing..oh wait..that's me
isn't it?
5. Credits -- The part of the movie where everyone leaves.
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SPORTS!
Today we're going to cover what people think of todays popular sports. First,
let's start with.....
Baseball: Ok, about this damn strike...who the hell cares if they are making
5 million or 1 million...hell, if they're spending it on crack, they're
going to die anyway, right? Well, since we're talking to all you potheads
out there, who actually play the game for F-U-N, I'll tell you what the
people thought:
"Baseball? What's that?"
- Herbert Weisshar, local computer nerd
"Baseball...wasn't that that game that was like cool a few years ago?"
- Bob Shendler, 14 year old
"Huh huh, i like wacking balls huh huh"
- Tom Sullivan
As you can see, most people enjoy baseball...as for basketball, i don't even
want to talk about it, because the only way people can get in the NBA is to
have the $250 Turbo Jet Solar Powered Air Cushoned Self Magneitzed Pumps
(Made in Taiwan) and take steroids to grow 8 feet tall. Hockey is cool,
because you get to like, hit people and stuff. And football is ok, but come
on, get rid of the pads you pussies.
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Comix:
Close your eyes. Picture a little guy standing on the ground. Make
him look up. His eyes bulge. Here comes an anvil his way. Bang. Funny. Wow.
Cool. (You can do that for every issue because i'm too fucking lazy to draw
a comic)
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Classifieds:
Wanted: One dog, must be fat and must be able to speak. To be used for
sacrifical rituals. Contact Abu Budaba via tom tom.
Lost: My brain. God dammit...if anyone sees a little pink thing..looks like
chewed gum...fork it over.
Lost: The rest of these fucking ads. That person who was supposed to write
these up had a "accident" and we lost em.
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Letters to yours truly.
"Dear Neb,
I'm very depressed. My girlfriend just dumped me and my parents hate
me. I'm doing bad in school, and was forced to snort crack the other day, and
i'm hooked. I'm out of money, and can't get a job because i lost my leg in a
car accident. I have a gun and really want to kill myself. Please help ..
-Sleepless in Hazlet"
Dear Sleepless in Hazlet
Hmm...i see your problem, and i have a simple solution! I've heard that
when people die they come back again with a better life. So, go ahead, put
that baby up to your skull and pull the trigger, for me man, for me... hope
this helps!
-NeBsY
"Dear Nebby,
How did you get all the material for this stuff when you just
started this thing? It doesn't add up man, it just doesn't.
-Confuzzled"
Dear Confuzzled,
Get a life.
NeB!
"Dear Nebby,
My girlfriend wanted me to get her something special for Valentines
Day, but i only have five bucks. What should i get?
-BROkE"
Dear Harvey,
There's nothing a girl wants more for valentines day then a break.
Go ahead, and just go up to her, and dump her (while making fun of her,
laughing at her, spitting on her, and if possible, pissing on her). If she
cries, she's just laughing inside, she'll be happy to have a break. That is
the best present you can give her. (Pssst..if you REALLY want to know what
to get for five bucks...get her some baterries, if she's going out with
YOU, she's going to need them!)
NeB
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Credits
-------
Well since you all know who made this peice of crap, i'll just put greets:
Keith Weisshar - Doom anyone?
Grey Hawk - I went to BAO WHQ (my dad works for BAO) and i've gotten the
entire landscape of the earth, as well as virtual reality goggles for FS5.
Edi - gasp.
Latah Lamahz
O O
o
\___/ NeBulA
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wow, and to think that this kid is only 13...
-pip
