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Going Ape Shit Press 034
going ape shit press #34 by mendlivian
From a school project to re-write Oedepus Rex in a modern light, we get
a cross between American Gladiators and Beavis et Butthead.
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Smells Like Teen Image
Dramatis Persone:
Lightning Bug, son of Wes Lee and Polly Ester, future husband of
Polly Ester.
Wes Lee, father of Wes Lee by Polly Ester.
Polly Ester, mother and future wife of Lightning Bug, husband of
Polly Ester.
Mom, infertile wife of Wes
Larry Czonka
Beavis and Butt-Head
Scene: broadcast booth
Larry: Welcome to American Gladiators! This week I'm
joined by those pranksters of prime time, Beavis
and Butt-head! What do you think of tonight's
matchup?
Butt-Head: I'm already up!
Beavis: Yea, me too!
Larry: Okay guys; tonight we have our oldest competitor
ever, a Wes Lee from-
Beavis: Private
Larry: Parts Unknown; Beavis!
Butt-Head: Huh-huh, he said parts, huh-huh.
Larry: Ah, Let's get underway. Our first contest is the
Assault. in this event, our gladiators try to
hit our competitors with tennis ball shot from
the cannon. The competitors try to hit the
the target with the various weapon in the time
allotted. And Wes is weaving back and forth,
he's made it to the first station, he fires,
Beavis: But he misses! what a loser!
Butt-Head: Why don't you try, I bet you couldn't do it!
Beavis: Shut up or I'll kick your butt!
Larry: Oh, and our competitor goes down on a hit to the
inner thigh!
Beavis: No way, dude! He got hit in the gnads!
Butt-Head: Ooohhh!
Larry: You said it Butt-Head! Beavis, what does Wes
have to say?
(cut to Beavis interviewing Wes)
Beavis: Wes, you just got hit in the gnads, are you going
to Sea World or something?
Wes: I don't feel much like talking now.
(voice over)
Butt-head: What a wus!
Beavis: Yeah, his name even sounds like `wus'
(On floor)
Larry: Our next event is near and dear to my heart,
powerball. I'm here with our Gladiator,
Lightningbug. Lightningbug, you're a tough guy,
you must love this event.
Bug: Yea, I love getting out there and just hurting
people. There's no feeling like wrestling a
sweaty guy to the ground
(voice over)
Butt-Head: Oh yea; how old are you, Wes?
Wes: What? Hey, don't make me come up there!
Beavis: Yea, Yea, he'll kick your butt!
Larry: So what is your assignment today,
Lighteningbug?
Bug: My assignment is to kill everybody.
Larry: So get out there and bust some heads!
(voice over)
Butt-Head: You said `head', huh-huh, huh-huh.
Larry: So let's get this underway. And Wes makes a move
the right, but unfortuntley his head stays on
the mat as Lightening bug simply annihilates him.
that's got to hurt.
Butt-Head: Whoah, that was pretty cool! can we see that
again in slow motion?
Larry: Yes we can; let's go to the video tape.
Beavis: His head like, did some cool stuff. This
would be really cool if like, he puked.
(Wes Pukes with blood in it)
Beavis: Aahh, aahh! what was that!
Butt-Head: You asked for it, Beavis.
Beavis: Yea, but, that was disgusting! That was beyond
the realm of good taste.
Larry: Our next event is the joust. Our guest
announcers Beavis and Butt-Head will demonstrate.
(cut to floor)
Butt-Head: Uh, when do we get to fight the chicks in tight
shorts?
(voice over)
Larry: In a minute, guys, just do your thing.
Butt-Head: Uh, okay. Get ready Beavis, and don't make
me stick this thing up your butt!
(hits Beavis repeatedly)
Beavis: Ahh, my liver, my liver! Ahh my liver, my liver!
(voice over)
Larry: Thanks, guys. And now for the main event,
Wes versus Lighteningbug! This has turned
into a real grudge match! These guys look a lot
alike in the face and the build. In fact, if I
didn't know better, I'd say they were father and
son! Let's go to our floor microphone.
Bug: I'm gonna bust yo' gut and watch you die!
Butt-Head: That would be pretty cool!
Wes: What's your problem?
Bug: I'm your problem!
Beavis: Yea, yea, people say "Beavis, Beavis, why don't
talk about your problems", and I say "no, leave
me alone, I'll work `em out by my self", and
people say, "Beavis Beavis"
Bug: And your worst nightmare!
Butt-Head: Shut up, Beavis, you're ruining it.
Wes: Bring it on `roids!
Bug: You sayin' I ain't all natural!
Wes: Just that brain untouched by evolution!
Bug: I'm gonna hurt you so bad your gonna wish I'd rip
your spine out so's you escape the pain, because
he who breaks the law goes back to the House of
Pain!
Beavis: Yea, yea, rip his spine out, and like, show it to
him before he dies!
Wes: All you need to know is that I'm in the house.
Bug: The only house you should be talking about is the
one for old age!
Butt-Head: Uh-huh, old people, uh-huh.
Beavis: Are you like, gonna die soon?
Wes: Yo Momma!
Bug: Yo Momma said knock you out, I'm gonna knock you
out!
Butt-head: Uh-huh he said, knock, uh-huh.
(Wes and Lightningbug fight, Lightningbug kills Wes)
Beavis: If life is cool, and death is the inverse of
life, and the angle of the dangle is inversely
proportional to the heat of the beat, therefore,
because he's dead, he's not cool.
Butt-Head: Whoa, that was pretty cool! You're pretty smart
Beavis.
Larry: But yet, in our sadness, we find joy. Our
Gladiator Lightningbug has an announcement.
Bug: I'd like to invite my fellow gladiator,
Pollyester out her
(enter stage left)
Butt-Head: Whoa, it's that chick from that geometry video!
Beavis: No way dude, that video has squares. Geometry is
about triangles!
Butt-head: I meant advanced geometry.
Bug: I am going to marry Polyester right here on the
rings in Hang Time. Larry, if you would do the
honors?
Butt-Head: Hey, I can be the best man!
Beavis: No way, dude, you should be the maid of on her
Butt-Head: Shut up, Beavis.
Beavis: I mean, you look like a wus,
Butt-Head: I'll kick you ass like a wus if you don't shut
shut up!
(party mounts rings)
Larry: (runs through vows) if there are no objections,
(Beavis and Butt-Head fall of rings crying "aahh, aahh, and aough,
aough, respectively)
Mom: No-
Butt-Head: Hey baby, wanna wrestle?
Larry: I pronounce you man and wife.
Mom: No! don't you see? You're mother and son!
Polly, don't you remember that surrogate child
you had?
Polly: Oh no!
Beavis & Butt-head: BUSTED!
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incest is best, if you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in your family.
