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Going Ape Shit Press 058
going ape shit press #58 by whodini
wow, my second internet found submission... i feel pretty cool.
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I read GASP 1-34 yesterday, and 35-44 today, and thought to
myself. "Hey, this is as cool as [BLaH].. kiqass." and then thought "
woah, i'm gonna write somef'n for these ppl cuz they kiqass.".. so here
I am.
Ok, the number of homeless in north america keeps increasing.
Especially for lazy people. Millions of innocent lazy people are forced
onto the cold, cruel streets a year. BUT, if you are prepared, you can
live a happy, prosporous life on the streets.
First off, start training yourself now. Here in 614 (where
there is nothing), my friends and I make training a game. Pick a
weekend where no one has anything important to do. Drive downtown with
no money, park, and find a place to sleep for the weekend. Here are a
few important strategies.
Begging: Do this ONLY when you have to, and have a goal in mind. Try
to find a way to take advantage of every dime.
Chairing: This is going into a building, putting three chairs together,
and sleeping on them. Very good if you can sneak into an all-night
convention.
Burrowing: Sleeping in a tunnel. Many campuses have "service tunnels",
where they have hot water, steam, cable, ether, and other services all
going through these tunnels for easy access. Good for the winter, but
be wary, you will dehydrate very quicly down there.
Benching: Bah, another last resort. Benches are always in public
places. I personally would rather sleep on the floor in a private
place.
Bathing: Ok, you are going to smell. But to keep you LOOKING decent,
go into a public bathroom and wash your face, hands, and other body
parts.
Conving: This is your food source, pay attention. In every major city
in the world, there is a convention center. Your mission is to keep
track of the conventions. If it requires a pass, fold a peice of
colored paper up, and attach it under your coat so you can only see a
corner of it. Refreshments! You won't get any meat this way, (they
have to keep the vegetarians and the canibals happy, so serve generic
food), but you will get free soda, coffee, doughnuts, finger food.
Happy Hour: Although this isn't very useful, because you do not have a
car. Make sure you will be informed if there is a happy hour in your
vicinity.
2-for-1: If you get enough for a good meal. Go to a restaurant that
you pay at a register instead of paying the waitress (DENNY'S (c)) with
a friend. Order two meals on seperate checks. When you are done, only
one of you go up and pay their check. They'll never ask you any
questions.
Coffing: This hasn't been tested, but my theory is if you steal a coffe
mug from a restaurant, then go in there during busy hours and sit down.
They'll refill your coffee and run.
This will last you about a year. After that, you will have to
get a job you lazy bum. Anyways, good luck on the streets. If you see
me, I'll be the guy in the designer suit, the slick haircut, and the
shopping cart.
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not only did he write for me, but he said we were as good as BLaH...
sigh...
