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Going Ape Shit Press 024
going ape shit press #24 by pip the angry youth
wow, yet another bunch of my words all slapped together... it seems
like i would never pop my had in again, and now you can't get rid of
me... strange...
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my commentary on commentaries on the scene
keep in mind, i'm going to pull no punches in this one, if someone
gets offended, then fine... you had it coming to you anyways... try not
to take it too personally or seriously... this is just my opinion, not
something etched in stone.
first off, if another commentary mag comes out on the scene, i'm going
to have to rip someone's eyes out... and beleive me, i will do it. i
feel that there are a plethera of emags that are dedicated to having
commentaries on the scene, and it's just going too damned far for the
likes of me. there's mags like emigre, undergrown, and johnas out
there, and all they do is complain about people on the 'scene'... and
how much that they hate #ansi and the attidudes of everyone on the scene
and how everyone's 12 years old... if you find it that detestable, then
find another hobby for christsakes... stop your crying and just move on
in your life...
i forget who said this, but it rings true, there will be a time that
we will look back and be ashamed that we spent the best years of our
lives to warez and colored blocks. there is another side of it tho...
there is, and will allways will be a high demand for the computer
literate to help those who are morons... and that's what we're training
ourselves for, be it intentionally or not... we are doing it none the
less... 3/4 of the world doesn't know how to type dir... and we're
going to have to hold their hands... and make money out of it. another
thing is that in the 60's all teens did was get high in get laid, 70's
high and get laid, 80's sniff coke, get laid and catch aids, 90's are
here and we get high, sniff coke, get laid, catch aids and geek to our
hearts content... let's hear it for variety! ask your parents about their
fondest memories, and if they're truthfull they'll tell you about how
they got drunk and wasted... if they don't, they were either dorks or
just are lying to you. we do what we're forced to do, what the mold shows
us to do.
if all you do all day is sit behind the monitor and geek out... fine,
as long as you feel good about it then it's the best thing you could be
doing... i'm not here to crucify you...
as for you 'old school' geeks complaining about all of the 'newbies'
coming into the scene, fuck off... just because everyone didn't have the
cash to afford a computer and a modem back when you could, that doesn't
mean that they are just 'lamers'... fuck that... computers are becoming
cheaper, more readily available, and with that, more modems are out
there and more modemers... that was the dream of most of the original
computer developers, and the big wigs that run the companies today...
just to let everyone have access to a computer, to make it an anarchic
community where nobody had the right to tell you what to do... and i
stand by that and plan on being a martyr if need be...
you run a successful board, or are a member of a large popular group,
geek for a while, trade warez, or just get your hands on a hack/phreak
t-file and will quite possibly get an overly inflated head. i'm not
saying that everyone does, but there are many examples.
"the names have been changed to protect the innocent..."
'joe' runs the board saint elmo's fire... he's a dear friend and has
one of the biggest ego's about his board that i have ever seen. one
quote that comes to mind is 'when i get my board running correctly,
people jizz in my ear'... he thinks that his board is all that, and is
not ashamed to say it to you... which i think is just plain wrong, i
don't think that his board is all that great... the only thing that he
has to show for his board are light bars... which are slow and sluggish
in dv... some mediocre hex editing, which is getting to become quite
rediculous... and is overly critical of other people's boards pointing
out their most minor flaws to help patch up his own insecurity...
'mike' is a warez puppy... spent the better part of 6 years trading
and courriering 0-3 day... people ask him for a favor, and he jumps down
their throats, calling them 'lamer' and whatnot... if someone's
different than him he crucifies them... all he does all day is play
games on his p100 with 24 megs of ram, and gets mom to pay for his 600+
phone bill a month... if you don't run a warez group, or actively trade
0 day, refuses to talk to you...
'billy' does ansi... he starts to get noticed by some big named groups
who ask him to join... he politely says no... and then critisizes those
who are parts of multi member groups... he gets good enough at ansi to
start charging for them, 15 bucks a pop. then one month, he's in
several different art packs, calling everyone nigga' and greeting
various poeple... he gets so big that he starts up his own group called
'controlled' and takes everyone with him...
'sam' got his hand on a nifty elite t-phile on phreaking. now sam
feels that he's all tough shit and can rule the world with his dandy
t-file... he starts calling others lamers when they show him up and
prove that he doesn't know what he's talking about. he feels all big
and bad behind the keyboard and tells others that he could crush them
without trying. he gives out his address to one such person who decides
to make good on his offer. upon showing up at his house, sam is made
to look like a cowering wimp who can't do anything.
i'm bored, it's raining, and in the other window, i'm d/ling (like the
leach i am)... but it's ok, i'm elite and run a half assed t-file
group...
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supplimental to 'how to be alternative'
yes, you thought it was over, but it is far from gone... i want to
share with you other ways that you too can be alternative... this time
we're going to discuss the 'love'ly look... courtney love...
ok, this is what you need to get...
1) break out your cheerleading skirt from last year (you can tell
others that you found it at a thrift shop, but only we know the
truth...) and get fishnets to go with them
2) steal your mom's darkest blackest eyeliner
3) get either black or ruby red lipstick
4) find a satin jacket, red preferably
5) don't shower (hell... what truely alternative person does?)
6) find the smallest most impracticle backpack out there
7) find a shirt with a: star, flower, or embroidery on it that is
several sizes too small so it brings out your breasts
8) put your greasy hair up in two pony-tails on either side of your
head
here's what you do...
first you cut holes in your treasured cheerleading skirt (10 years
from now you'll be kicking yourself in the ass for this one, but what
the hell, you're young and indifferent)
put on the fishnets (with ample holes in them) and then the skirt...
slap on the shrit and try to poof up your breasts, or just not wear a
bra underneath them... put on the satin jacket (clean... satin looks
nasty dirty)... and put about 10 lbs of that most horrid makeup on your
face until it looks absolutly inhuman that someone could look like that,
and has common sense... slip your hair into ponytails so you look like
a little school girl... and blammo... you're courtney love... a great
place for you to hang out at is at taco-bell, mc donald's, or
burger king... so that way you can hang out with your working friends
when they get out of their slave jobs... but who needs a job or a
resum... you're alternative and immortal...
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just NO calories
ok, a game of guessing what i am portraying... i'm going to give
you some hints...
calories - 0
us rda of:
total fat 0%
sodium 2%
total carbohydrates 0%
protein 0%
i am composed of:
carbonated water, carmel color, aspartame (neutrasweet), phosphoric
acid, potassium benzonate, natural flavors, citric acid, and caffine...
any guesses? why, i'm your average 12 oz diet coke... i know that
all matter is mostly composed of empty space, but they really are
stretching it with diet coke... this shit is composed of NOTHING...
there are no nutrients in it... nothing but chemicals... 40mg of salt
just so that way it doesn't taste like you're sucking on a packet of
neutrasweet... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?!?!... it's a mystery drink...
i don't think that it abides to any of the fundimental laws of the
universe... none at all... and you know another thing? millions of
women who are facenated with their weight are pumping these through
their systems like it was water... you're not going to die of being
overweight girls... you're going to die of brain implosion...
yes kiddos... neutrasweet contains some obscure element that causes
brain tissues to sweel up past normal size in lab rats... which means
nothing to you if you started drinking it at 50... but for those who
have been drinking it for most of their life from the age of 10 or so
and are still fixed on the tought that they are fat and that diet coke
will solve their problems, are going to die prematurely because their
brains won't have anyplace to go in their head due to swelling... JOY!
(is this not the normal prattling from me that you have expected?)
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well, it's been fun bending your ear for this time... but i am sorry
that i have to go... next time you see me i'm going to talk about
completely random things, (big surprise...)
