Fucked Up College Kids File 541

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Fucked Up College Kids

 · 26 Apr 2019

  

 
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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   = 
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                        God Help Me, I Can't Breathe 
                        ---------------------------- 

	Trapped inside my mind, gasping for air, the incessant pounding, 
are the thoughts of a thousand wrongs and contemplations of decisions 
made and decisions yet to be made. Moral fibers tense and tear as I feel 
the fear of the unknown, my future, my past, the looming grim reaper 
sitting on the back porch of my mind waiting for that one wrong move. My 
chest feels tight, my muscles stiff, breaths are short and unsatisfying. 
I am at this place again, a place that I fear, a place that breeds pain 
and doubt. 

	Where is this place you ask? Surely I should tell you so you 
cannot tread on this mortifying ground of pain, confusion and fear. It is 
no physical place, not even a dream, it is the inner synapses of my mind 
all day and night, like a textile mill, churning out the fabric of my 
life, past and present. 

	While most days, I ignore its incessant noise, its hollow grinding 
of reason and morality. But today, like some days, the churning of a thousand 
thoughts and emotions becomes unbearable and makes me lose my selective 
attention for that which is external. I embark past the gates of hell into 
my own inner sanctum, my past, my present and the uncertain future. 

	Wrong decisions I have made in my life come rushing to the foreground 
like the horsemen of the apocalypse, trampling my thoughts as if they were 
rice paper. I am left with the shreds of "what if" and "should I have.." 
dripping through my fingers. Family deaths, old relationships and 
employment memories come falling down as artillery as I try and dig deeper 
into my mental foxhole.  

	My accomplishments, correct decisions and complacency are here to 
help me fight off the demons that occupy my thoughts. Soon they are victims 
of the repressed emotions, thoughts and fears that have become the genie 
inside this magic bottle of thought. Again I am alone.  

	But I am not alone, anxiety is here with me. As I feel my blood 
pressure rise, I see visions of my girlfriend being raped, my family being 
killed, myself dying in a horrible accident. The anger builds. I will kill 
the motherfuckers responsible for this. My mind races with visions of me 
murduring these invisible foes and the feelings that accompany that rage, I 
try and let out a crying scream of rage, only to realize, this is all in my 
mind.  

	Soon later I snap out from that delusion, only to be thrust into 
visions of a stale career while everyone around me progresses. I am the 
man to pity now. The man who has nothing, is nothing and will never be 
anything. Hundreds of ambitious thoughts surge through my mind, I can 
feel my legs start to run, my hands poised for work, only to find the 
picture of this man is still the same, again, I try to scream only to be 
silenced by my own mind. 

	Imagine a thousand scenarios like these, start them all at the same 
time, think about them, walk around in them, have them all echoing your 
screams, trapping you inside every single one while still trying to function 
as a normal human being. 

Welcome to my reality. 

-tersIan 

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