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Fucked Up College Kids File 541
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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God Help Me, I Can't Breathe
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Trapped inside my mind, gasping for air, the incessant pounding,
are the thoughts of a thousand wrongs and contemplations of decisions
made and decisions yet to be made. Moral fibers tense and tear as I feel
the fear of the unknown, my future, my past, the looming grim reaper
sitting on the back porch of my mind waiting for that one wrong move. My
chest feels tight, my muscles stiff, breaths are short and unsatisfying.
I am at this place again, a place that I fear, a place that breeds pain
and doubt.
Where is this place you ask? Surely I should tell you so you
cannot tread on this mortifying ground of pain, confusion and fear. It is
no physical place, not even a dream, it is the inner synapses of my mind
all day and night, like a textile mill, churning out the fabric of my
life, past and present.
While most days, I ignore its incessant noise, its hollow grinding
of reason and morality. But today, like some days, the churning of a thousand
thoughts and emotions becomes unbearable and makes me lose my selective
attention for that which is external. I embark past the gates of hell into
my own inner sanctum, my past, my present and the uncertain future.
Wrong decisions I have made in my life come rushing to the foreground
like the horsemen of the apocalypse, trampling my thoughts as if they were
rice paper. I am left with the shreds of "what if" and "should I have.."
dripping through my fingers. Family deaths, old relationships and
employment memories come falling down as artillery as I try and dig deeper
into my mental foxhole.
My accomplishments, correct decisions and complacency are here to
help me fight off the demons that occupy my thoughts. Soon they are victims
of the repressed emotions, thoughts and fears that have become the genie
inside this magic bottle of thought. Again I am alone.
But I am not alone, anxiety is here with me. As I feel my blood
pressure rise, I see visions of my girlfriend being raped, my family being
killed, myself dying in a horrible accident. The anger builds. I will kill
the motherfuckers responsible for this. My mind races with visions of me
murduring these invisible foes and the feelings that accompany that rage, I
try and let out a crying scream of rage, only to realize, this is all in my
mind.
Soon later I snap out from that delusion, only to be thrust into
visions of a stale career while everyone around me progresses. I am the
man to pity now. The man who has nothing, is nothing and will never be
anything. Hundreds of ambitious thoughts surge through my mind, I can
feel my legs start to run, my hands poised for work, only to find the
picture of this man is still the same, again, I try to scream only to be
silenced by my own mind.
Imagine a thousand scenarios like these, start them all at the same
time, think about them, walk around in them, have them all echoing your
screams, trapping you inside every single one while still trying to function
as a normal human being.
Welcome to my reality.
-tersIan
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