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Fucked Up College Kids File 491
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Velvet Without
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Going into my room, I close the door, and walk over to my bed, laying down, I
grab the bear that I had gotten for a Christmas present the day before, and
close my eyes, as I curl up on the bed.
Wearing all black velvet, I do not even feel like I am me. Jewlery that I
had bought or was given to me, shiny and bright. A necklace, a ring. Simple
but just right.
Hugging on to the bear, I fall into a sleep.
Sometimes I wish I could just stay there. Not having to face the ones within
the house, nor the outside world. Do not answer the phone, just turn the
ringer off. No communication with anyone, outside of my own little world.
Would I at least stay happy that way? Safe?
Could I really live that way? I really wonder.
For once, I am laying on my bed, and in my room with -no- music! Something
that probably happens once every so many blue moons.
Totally relaxed and calm, just waiting for me to decide to look into my own
world.
Having written the letters I've been meaning to write, and having heard from
some that I had only hoped to, I was comforted by the fact that there was
someone that cared.
Little did I know, that I was only fooling myself.
The mind is a powerful thing to waste, I have always heard. And since it is
so powerful, it can often play tricks on you, or is it my heart that has
played this hand?
Hearing the voices outside of my door, I do not even make an attempt to move.
Let them think I am only sleeping and not hearing a word, no one ended up
coming in, to find out either way.
Curling up a bit more, because the heat is not on, and even though it is only
dark and gloomy, brown and gray outside, with no snow in sight - it is still
very cold.
More thoughts flutter through my mind, as I recall the words from the vine. I
should have known better, and not trusted my heart, for he only came in to go
on without.
I know what I need to do, and what I should do, but neither is something I
want to do. It would be best for me, sometimes I think if I would just
simply disappear. Then I would not need to deal with it ... and maybe he'd
realize how much he really -does- care. Again, I am only fooling myself.
Drifting in and out of a dream, that I will never remember, I wonder if I will
live the rest of my life this way ... and I wish that I could only remain as
simple as I wanted.
Hours later someone comes in, waking me up after several attempts. I did not
want to wake, nor did I want to do any thing they asked. But, I did as they
asked, and smiled while doing it. I know I should be thankful, but at times
I really wish I could always remain laying there, knowing I am pretty, and
not have to worry about a thing.
Even though, I was laying there though, I was not fully me. Me wearing all
black velvet with jewlery that shines? That is not me, is it? Sometimes, I
have heard of people comparing themselves to a mix of colors, and I need to
wonder if people ever compare themselves to materials ... cloths. And, I
wonder what I would consider myself to be, shaking my head what a silly
thought. Even if everyone did, I would not.
Always striving to be me, and living towards my hearts guidance, I really
lay back and wonder now, if it has all been worth it. None of the scales of
reality need to weigh in my world, but the world itself, is not of my own
making. So, I dare to get up and rise out of this bed, to begin a new day
with no velvet or jewlery.
-Kamira
December 27th, 1997
kami@sekurity.org
www.sekurity.org/~kamira
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