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Fucked Up College Kids File 516
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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It is Okay
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Have you ever felt like nothing was going right, and nothing was going to
be okay? Or that you just wish there was someone that would say, "It is
okay", and have it be true?
My life has become a very chaotic thing : Never knowing what will become of
my day until that hour comes, and then afterwards being totally drained of
all my energy - or being so energized I cannot find any peace of mind. My
life has never been normal (refer to file "Normality"), it still had some
sense of order though...until recently - when everything is almost
constantly up in the air. Not knowing...feeling like I will never know.
Because of this not-knowingness, my moods have been so incredibly up and
down that I can barely stay level more then an hour - and that is when I am
lucky.
One minute I want to kick someone's ass in, and the next moment all I want
to do is curl up and cry or disappear. Other times, I am so happy or hyper
that I doubt that anything could ever bring me down ... then all of sudden,
BOOM! Something happens in my life or something changes in my mood, and I
feel differently.
Most recently, I have been noticing that I have a lot of pent up anger or
frustration. Sometimes, I wish I could just sit down and write it all
out...but I cannot bring myself to do so, because of what I fear will come
out. I know it would be filled with such bitterness and darkness, that it
would send shivers up and down my spine if I were to ever read what I would
write. So, I do not write. Instead, I find myself wondering and thinking,
and not having a solid way to let my emotions be expressed. As the madness
of chaos continues, I finally break down and write something out (refer to
"Don't Give a Shit"). All I can see is what bitterness is trying to do to
me. Or how over-worked my mind has become with everything that has been
going on. Not wanting to let all my emotions stop, nor wanting to have to
deal with all the emotions that come along with such a chaotic life.
I was not okay with seeming to be bitter. It was not until I said that to
someone, and they simply replied, "It's okay to be bitter", did I really
get to thinking ... Really? "Being bitter, shows that you have fire within
you.", "You have a lot of passion inside of you."
Is fire the same as passion?
Is it really okay to have all the different assorted thoughts that I go
through in an hour, a day, a week? I remember someone told me once, I
cannot help how I feel, just what I do with those feelings. Looking at
things that way, then yes, it IS okay.
- Kamira
April 13, 1998
kami@sekurity.org
www.sekurity.org/~kamira
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