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Fucked Up College Kids File 479
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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With Loose Ends - Tied Up
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After All
~~~~~~~~~
Sitting down at my computer, and staring at the DOS prompt, entering into
EDIT, the ideas that have been floating around in my head, begin to pour out
on the screen infront of me. Some of those ideas evolve into articles,
poems, or stories, which I will share, some I will hide, and others that
become published either in F.U.C.K. or various other things. Then there
are some ideas that only go so far, and then I draw a blank ... and hit a
dead end. I always say I am going to go back to them, but then whenever I
do, I have yet to be able to finish, because my train of thought, from that
moment is gone.
So, instead of just deleting countless ideas, that which could possibly spark
someone else's mind into writing something grander, I have decided to share
them, in hopes that perhaps even if you could not finish what I started, that
maybe it would give you an idea of where to start. Because, sometimes if you
have a place to start, the rest comes naturally.
Before I Walk on Fire
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Before I Walk on Fire", is a song by Sophie B. Hawkins.
Listening to this song earlier today, I got to thinking, not only about her
lyrics, but what I would want to say before I would walk on fire.
Belief
~~~~~~
"What belief are you?"
"What do you believe in?"
"Do you pray?"
"Do you believe in God?"
These are all questions that I am sure we have asked others, or others have
asked us, at one time or another. However, it in thinking about these
questions I have come to realize that if you DO believe in anything, you DO
pray, you DO believe in God, or whatever you DO believe in, no one should
have to ask you if you do or not, because it should be that evident.
No matter what your beliefs are, whether or not you practice a religion or
spiritual aspect, you should never have to be asked what it is, because you
should be living proof of it.
November 13th, 1997
The Last Fire
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starting with a spark, from the first harsh word that we speak, a fire begins
to burn, within us, and within a place that we will only see once we are
no longer residing on this planet.
A fire that starts with hatred, and ends with emptiness and bitterness.
Musical Soul
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts fill my mind as if a tidal wave was hitting the shoreline. A zillon
and one odds, possibilites, and opportunities I wrestle with as they go
through my head. Too much to think about coherently, and too little time
not to think at all. An outlet needs to be found, and instead of meditating
or shooting hoops, I put in a cd or a tape, and turn up the volume. Letting
the music carry my thoughts away like the sunshine can dry up the rain,
after a storm.
Hearing the music, and feeling it enter into my body, my mind, my soul begins
to stir, and new thoughts that don't overwhelm me, and realiziatons that free
me, are the result.
Spinning around, with my arms up in the air, or my leg and standing still ...
the music begins to soothe my spirit, and my soul is flying. As the music
notes go up into the air, so the very things that had me nearly overwhelmed
completely.
Supposedly, everyone has an outlet that works best for them. Some never
find theirs, and others have a few, but usually there is one that works
best - above all else. And, sometimes those outlets change. As far as I can
remember though, no matter what my outlet has been, music has been a huge
part of it. So much that at times I shudder to think if I'd ever have to
live without music, I would not be able to survive.
Music is found everywhere. From the music groups and artists on radios, tv,
and cds/tapes to the music that mother nature made ... all of it has a rythem
and a ryhme.
Squeezing Upside Down
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Working out to my Patti Rothberg CD, I am laying on my back, with my legs up
above my head, as I bring my knees to my forehead, I notice I can stretch
further, as I do so, I find my knees on either side of my head, I squeeze as
a question floats through my mind "Why am I the way I am?".
Because of certain things that I have been through, they have shaped my life,
my views, my opinions, and my outlook.
Then and Now
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When little boys and girls use to play together, all you had to worry about
was the other little boys and girls teasing you about having 'girl germs' or
'boy germs'. As you get older though, and continue to hang out with the
guys or the girls, you have to worry 's/he likes me' and 's/he does not like
me' or things of that nature.
When you are older, it is not the same as when you are younger. Hanging out
and having fun, racing cars, and shooting hoops become more then just
'friends' hanging out together, people start to think that you must be
'together'. Girls and guys hanging out all the time, must be more then
friends because when you spend that much time together, things must be more
advanced then just paltonic friends.
When you are older, and you call up a guy friend to hang out, and you do,
and he makes the move, to make it more then friends, things are never quite
the same again. Because, he changed it, and you changed it. So, it gets
more difficult to just call them up, and ask to go out to a movie, or hang
out and race cars, and shoot some hoops.
Society makes it so, if you spend a few nights a week with a certain person
you must be more then friends ... when you really may just be friends. But,
no one would look at it that way, except maybe the two of you.
Last night, I would have called a couple of my guy friends, to see if we
could hang out together. It was night, when I just wanted to get out of
the house, and have some fun. Picking up the phone, and beginning to dial
their number, I dropped the phone remembering one of them hitting on me a
couple of weeks ago at one of my parties. Setting the phone down, I walk
over and crank up the radio, not liking any of the songs, I put in my Nine
Inch Nails, Pretty Hate Machine CD, and crank the stereo as loud as it can
go, until the music literally vibrates through my body.
Who has made things the way things are now, different from back then? Is it
something we do, to ourselves, as we become more aware of horomones and human
instincts? Or is it something, the elders of this society somehow sneak into
our subconcioucness while we sleep and grow up? Why does it have to stay
that way? And, why are we just accepting this is the way things are now
and that is how things were back then?
Then and now. Why?
~~~
Perhaps this has meant nothing to you, except unfinished or incomplete
beginnings, or maybe it helped you think of something - which if it did, then
I have done what I have wanted to do, and I hope you now do what you need to
do.
Finishing the year, with loose ends - tied up.
-Kamira
December 26th, 1997
kami@sekurity.org
www.sekurity.org/~kamira
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