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Fucked Up College Kids File 564
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Stirring my anxiousness
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---I---
Fuck, I'm feeling weird right now. It's not my nerves, it's anxiousness; I'm
as anxious as hell right now.
This is just great, i feel like writing but at the same time the words are
being elusive. There are far too many thoughts, and they are passing by way to
fast for me to write them down, or even identify or know what the hell they
are about, for that matter. Must be I'm going insane and i haven't noticed
yet.. and if i did go insane, would i know it? as far as i know i might be
a nutcase right now.
I'm in need of hate right now. I wish i knew why, i just feel like i
need to feel hated by someone out there. I wanna annoy the living hell out
of whomever, just for kicks. Or maybe it's just that i want somebody to
feel something, _anything_ at all towards me.. and hate looks like a very
good option at the time; it's like wishing someone would come up and
beat the shit out of me for no reason.
----II----
[Just found this file sitting on the HD, and i thought id try to finish it
right now. That's the reason of the division. Can't really remember when i
wrote that first part, but it must've been more than a month ago. In any
case...]
From time to time i get that strange feeling.. something snaps on my head
and the next thing i want is to feel hate towards me, it doesn't matter
who you are, it's some sort of wild drive that prompts me to offend you,
insult you, mock you, make the most acidic/sarcastic comments i can come
up with in whatever situation i am, all of that backed up by a sense of
'whatthefuck' so i basically feel free to say whatever i please.
Anxiousness. That was what i was ranting about at the beginning of this
file. The fun part of it is that it can be dealt with by taking a simple
pill, like a Xanax or whatnot. But i'd rather not, it's not that it won't
make me feel better because i know it will, the thing is i want to deal
with it myself, of course there are times when it feels unbearable and i
do take one, but i'm afraid of creating an addiction. I mean, come on. This
thing _will_ make me feel better and therein lies part of the problem,
i know myself well enough to know i could get hooked on it.
Anyone out there knows what the hell dysthimia (sp?) is? last year (i
think) some neurologist said i had that. According to him it was having
one's anxiousness level above normal, guess i should go to the local
library and find more about it.. *shrug*.
Being anxious can make you act in some really funny ways, well, i make fun
of it, as i do with almost everything else, because it's me the one fucked
up.
Describing how i get wouldn't help my cause that much, probably because
not everyone reacts the same as me, so while there were moments when i
would go out and feel completely and absolutely out of place, would feel
like throwing up or fainting, that would be just me. We're not all the
same (thankfully).
I'm not complaining though. I have it easier when compared with depressed
people, and i'm not dissing them cause i've been there, too. It's just that
sometimes people don't know how shitty it gets when you're anxious. And
i'm not even gonna touch the topic of panic attacks, although i've never
had one, i think i have an idea of how bad it can get cause of my
anxiousness. That and i've read the symptoms of such an attack (a panic
one) and as i've read them i'd go 'check... check... nope... check...
nope'.
Maybe my anxiousness is the one making me wanting to give and feel
hate from time to time, or maybe it's the real me that wants to come
out from time to time. But i'd rather not think about it right now.
I'm getting butterflies in my stomach....
.shyguy
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