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Fucked Up College Kids File 522
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Concede
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(Prompted from the song Concede by: Sister Hazel.)
Why do I even try to tell myself anything different? All guys are only in
my life to complicate and make things even more difficult. To delude me of
myself, and deprive me of my energy.
Never before have I been so bitter against the opposite sex, never before
have I spoken so generally about any set group of people, and never before
have I found myself thinking more and more I am finally seeing the truth
behind the matter.
Laying all the cards out of the table, I openly tell him exactly how I
feel. Those cards once out on the table can never be taken back, for they
have been laid and must remain played. However, it is up to him to lay out
his cards, or fold and leave. I thought I had finally gotten to the point
where I could lay all my cards out on the table, leave them and whatever
the other one chose to do, they could do, and I'd be fine with it.
I am not fine with it. It irritates the hell out of me. Why does it seem
like that once you tell a guy that you have an interest in him, beyond
friendship and from that point onwards, he naturally assumes that that
interest persists until the end of time. Even when he and you seem to
break contact or go separate ways for the most part. Maybe he starts
detaching himself, so he won't get close, or maybe he acts like a jerk or
ignores you so you lose interest. Maybe there are thousands of maybes, and
I am sick of them all. Instead of asking why, and supplying an idea why
he might be acting that way, I either just ask straight out, or I just
leave him and go on about my life, as if he was not apart of it anymore.
If he ends up staying in my life, I am just as detached from the
relationship as he was previously and remains to be, while we are polite
acquaintances. No I am not fine with that. It irritates the hell out of me.
Having laid all my cards out on the table, I had to give him the
appropriate amount of time, to decide, react, and do something (or do
nothing). Because of this, I let interests of a few others that I have
pass by, because I want to be sure to give him my all, if he decides he
feels the same way. Only to wind up having nothing at all - except less
energy and less of myself. The others have moved on, and I'm there left at
the table that has no players at it.
Now I sit with cards in my hand and nothing on the table, only to have had
someone walk by and lay all their cards out on the table to me, and I only
talking about what I have in my hand of cards. No, I do not like it. It
irritates the hell out of me.
I figured if he ended up pressing one of his interests other then me, I
would find out from him. If nothing else, from him talking about her. It
seems only logical that if he had a girlfriend I would know ... especially
since he such a big one for truth and practicality. Maybe that's why he
never thought of telling me. Or maybe he's just been too busy and he does
not have a real girlfriend and does not really realize how I feel. But how
can I let him know when I cannot even talk with him, really? Maybe there
are thousand reasons and I am sick of them all. I hate it, and it has
reached it's limit of irritating the hell out of me.
Where do I go from here? Do I ever lay my cards out on the table, to be
played upon or picked up or left to lie there, or do I just hold onto them,
stay within myself and live my life to the fullest within my own walled world?
Concede ... like anyone would really mean what the song says ... whenever I
have heard things like that, it all turns out to be lies and never lasts,
so why should I believe it anymore?
I believed the last guy that talked with me about how he felt towards me
... he supposedly loved me oh-so-much, and wanted to spend his life with
me. Probably just saying that to see if he could fuck me. Building up
walls around him again, because I wanted to wait ... and now I am locked
out with no where to go, and no one keeping their word anymore - including
him.
Why even tell me things like you have? Just keep it to yourself, because
sooner or later you'll end up not meaning it, right? No, I do not like it
and irritates the hell out of me. I hate being and feeling this way. I
want it over and done with ... but how do I that without leaving my heart
behind?
Maybe it's titled CONcede because all the song's lyrics and times people
say those types of things it is some huge CON that they are pulling on
themselves and the other one involved ... and that's why it always fall
apart in the end.
I am going to be writing a few things out, and I hope you read them all ...
maybe you'll learn something, maybe one of your great questions will be
answered, or maybe you'll just decide I am nuts or crazy and leave me the
hell alone. Maybe there are a thousand maybes and I am sick of them all.
I hate it and it irritates the hell out of me.
-Me, Myself, and I.
07/08/98
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