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Fucked Up College Kids File 575
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Got What I Want
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You know its sad, I have finally achieved everything I wanted,
in my mind and yet I am miserable. When I came to college I had all
these ideals and expectations, and all of them where destroyed within
the first week. I came to school knowing where I came from, where I
wanted to go and what I wanted out of life, I am about to leave it
hollow and empty, all because I sold out. I have become now
everything that I hated three years ago, and I want to kill myself
because of the self betrayal I feel.
When I first got to college I listened to my music, had my
strong religious and philosophy beliefs and now I am about to leave it
with everyone elses. When I came to college an individual was inside
of me and now I am part of the popular crowd and I can't even look
myself in the mirror any more because of it. I went to a job
interview yesterday and the man that was interviewing me said that I
looked like a clean cut all-American man, I wanted to jump out of the
window right then and there. See people in high school always want to
belong, one way or another, and I was never one of those people. I liked
being different, I feed off of listening to strange music, reading
philosophy while everyone else was reading the sports page, I revelled
in my understanding of things that most people in high school didn't
give a shit about, now I read the fucking newspaper and have yet to
pick up a good book about human nature in two years.
To pinpoint the exact time and place would be impossible, I
would say that one of the major ones was joining a fraternity. This
fraternity claimed that they where different, that they liked
uniqueness, but last night it dawned on me how much the same they
really are, the whole fucking lot of them. When someone made the
comment "Chicks and Sports are a huge part of fraternity life", I
thought to myself what the hell have I fucking done? I am now apart
of the machine that I hated for so long, I have sold my soul, for
what? I came home after that conversation and looked at myself in the
mirror, I noticed my clean shaven face, my clean cut haircut and I
asked myself, "what the hell have I become?" When did sports and
chicks make up who the hell I am? Don't get me wrong, I love women,
but they don't define me as a man, and I don't need to sleep with one
on a weekly basis to prove who the hell I am. When did sports become
a part of my life? What the hell is going on here? In a fit of rage
I shaved my head and flushed my brother badge down the toilet. My
soul now feels lost, hell last week I purchased the soundtrack to GO
for god's sake. One of the biggest mistakes I did was join Lambda
Conform Alpha, and I wish that I never did it. They say they are new,
and different, they say that they are about diversity and knowledge,
its a bunch of shit. It is like the church asking you to pay your way
into heaven, its a crock. They are like the rest of them, they belive
in sex as a status symbol, they use sports as their proving ground and
drinking for their brotherhood.
Ignoring the fraternity what else has happened? I see so many
small incidents, and choices building up over time, now I regret them
all. I hate my "friends" I hate my life, I hate it all. I have what
I want now, and I would give it all back to go back three years and
stop the starting of selling out of my soul and my integrity, if
anyone else is struggling with this, remember what made you strong, as
I will in the near future.
-Maxell
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