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Fucked Up College Kids File 455
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Mirrors of Years
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There are so many parts to me, that no one could ever possibly know them all.
Mirrors when I was little, were gateways to different worlds. Just like in
Alice in Wonderland: The Looking Glass, or in the movie: Legend. They were
pieces of glass, I could get totally lost and absorbed in, a world that was
unlike the one I resided in. Spending hours in front of the mirror,
wondering what made things the way they were, and what would make things
the way they would be, someday.
Nowadays, when I see a mirror, I avoid looking at it. But, one night, I
closed my door, and there was my full length mirror. Only for a fleeting
moment, I felt the curiosity of knowing once again. Finding out the
secrets of the world of mirrors. My jaw dropped, from what I saw in that
mirror that night. The one staring back at me, I did not recognize; the way
she talked, the way she dressed, looked ... and her eyes! Her eyes were as
if bottomless pools, that held every emotion ever felt, with shadows of some
emotions. Shattered pieces of joy, outlined the surrounding of her eyes,
happiness once a friend shimmered in the whites of her eyes. The dark green,
were pieces of contempt, hatred, and shame. The black part of her eyes,
that was the scariest of all. Endless, spiraling end. An end, that would
continue destroying the one that once looked at the world of mirrors with
such happiness, creativity and excitement for life.
Letting the pieces of cloth fall from her shoulders, taking note of the
condition of her body, it had shape now, filled out, and no longer looked
like a little kids. As if seeing through some sort of special glasses, I
could see where every mark or scar was or is, and every where ones had
touched. There was something about her breath, the one in the mirror - a
breath of carelessness, of denial.
Laying down in bed, looking up to the ceiling, I promise never to look into
the mirrors again.
There are so many pieces of me, no one knows all. Sometimes I wonder if I
even do.
Things certain people say, I will react in different ways. There is the side
of me that my family knows, work knows, friends. Friends ... now they see
several different me's depending on which set of friends.
Though, there is one thing that ties all of these different parts together,
and that is my heart. My heart holds all the scares, shattered pieces,
seams, cuts, walls, memories, loves, hates, and emotions that I have ever
felt. To know me, know my heart ...
To get to my heart ... you need to know how to live your life with your
heart. Instead of the way I have lived mine, at times.
Shadows linger deep within me, at times they are stronger and wider, then my
heart. Other times, my heart is so large, that others are always around me.
Then there are times like today ... where my heart is still, the shadows calm
and it is as if I am looking into that mirror again.
Seeing myself, a way that I wish I never had ... mirrors. They reflect so
much. Sometimes, they can reflect things others do not see, and we do not
know. Mirrors ... something I always wish I could ignore, but am always
drawn back to, someday.
Within the mirror, are all the parts of me, for my heart, still longs to find
that mirror, that will only take me, and never return me. For, a mirror with
no image, is one that I wish to be. Or maybe, I wish for an image that does
not sicken me?
- Kamira
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