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Fucked Up College Kids File 274
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Legion's Rants
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This is a non-canonical list of things I hate and things that I hate slightly
less. Continue at your own risk.
Things I hate (in no particular order):
Sports and the idiots who watch them on TV. It's pretty fucking sad to
see a front-page shot of a Broncos running back on a paper that relegates
the US bombing of another mideastern country to page three. Funding for
Denver public schools is so low that students no longer have textbooks they
can take home, making a joke of the word "homework," yet Denver voters
proudly showed where their priorities lay by voting against a tax hike
for schools while voting for a new stadium for the Denver Doncos.
Stupid people (see also: sports fans). I explain things twice at most.
If you still don't get it, then ask somebody with more patience.
Abortion protesters (see also: stupid people). According to at least one
of the higher-ups in Operation Rescue, the murder of abortion doctors is
acceptable provided it will "save babies." In this light, I propose the
murder of abortion protesters to save this country's moral integrity.
Religious idiots (see also: all of the above). I really don't give a shit
*what* you worship. But if you get in my face and try to force me to
worship the same thing, then I'll gladly explain to you why you are: (a)
stupid, (b) delusional, (c) a waste of oxygen, and (d) ill in the head. I'll
also explain why your religion is logically unsound (this goes for any
religion, BTW) and I'll throw in an explanation of how your particular
religion came into existence in the first place.
Sitcoms. Unless you consider _The Simpsons_ a sitcom, I have never
seen one that made me so much as crack a smile. Each and every one of them
is trite and lame (come to think of it, this describes about 98.21% (this
is an approximation to the exact amount of TV programming I can't stand) of
all television shows).
Hunters (see also: sports fans). Now don't get me wrong; I have nothing
against hunters *per se*. I just hate the ones who think that they're
manly men for going into the woods with their RVs, cell phones, microwave
dinners, etc. and shooting a deer with a 30-06 from a blind and wearing
odor neutralizers. Real sporting, chimp. Let's see you take on the deer
without a backup supply of food. With a knife. Let's see you survive for
even a single night in the wilderness with only your knife and a sleeping
bag. Why are you so proud of the heads on your wall? Fucking weekend warrior.
Yuppies. The same people who look at me with disdain the day I wear my
leather jacket will look at me with approval when I wear my wool trenchcoat
and have my laptop with me. Hypocritical scum.
Cops. Don't take this personally, piggy, but I'm going to start throwing
a party every single time a pig is killed in the line of duty in
Colorado. Have a nice fucking day, and watch your back (or don't, ha ha).
I'll include the Boulder police under this one...the body was in the
basement, you bumbling fuck-ups. How did you manage to miss it the first
time you "searched" the house? Exceptional work, Officer Bong.
Housing development. A clever euphemism for "kiss your individuality
goodbye, motherfucker." I have an aerial photo of a condo community around
here somewhere...if I find it I'll scan it in and put it up here somewhere.
It's really quite terrifying.
Bigots (see also: sports fans, stupid people, religious idiots). Racism is
illogical. Homophobia is illogical. Sexism is illogical. "But Legion," you're
probably thinking, "aren't you a hypocrite for writing this after all that
mean stuff you said about cops, not to mention religious people?" No. Cops
aren't cops by nature. Religious people aren't religious by nature. Bigots
aren't bigots by nature. All of those are unnatural things.
Self-appointed moralists (see also: stupid people, religious idiots). What
business is it of Senator Helms whether I look at pictures of naked women?
In general, if you worry about what other people do in their spare time,
then you have far too much spare time of your own. But just to help the
moralists keep tabs on every instance of turpitude in the country, I propose
that we send them email each and every time we look at "smut" (which
includes, in no particular order: naked women, naked men, bra advertisements,
religious icons, pop stars like Madonna and Elvis, Calvin Klein ads,
congressional hearings, witch burnings, female ministers, book burnings,
women without veils over their faces, The Holy Bible, and anything else deemed
"indecent" by anyone anywhere in the world). I'll end this one on a cheery
note: go fuck yourself (go send that email now; I'll wait).
Email spammers. Fortunately, there are several cures for this particular
blight (see the "Hunting/Phishing" section of my links page).
In conclusion, you suck. Don't ask me what I think the weather will be
like; I don't care. Don't ask me if I caught the game last night; I didn't.
Don't try to force your religion down my throat; it's a sham. This section
will be added to as I think of more things I hate.
Things I hate slightly less than the above:
Breaking email spammers' servers in half like a calcium-deficient egg.
Getting away with telling people exactly what I think of them, to their
face, due to my physical size. Note that this doesn't mean that I'm an
asshole, just that wimps who would pick fights with smaller people don't try
to pick them with me.
Prozac (r). Mmmm, mmm, good.
Sony Playstation. Currently the leader in world sales of "next generation"
game consoles, and with good reason. Tekken 2 is the best fighting
game I've ever seen (and this is coming from a huge Virtua Fighter 2 fan).
Ganbare Goemon 5 (pronounced "gawnbaray go-ay-moan") is due out soon, along
with several other cool Japanese ports.
Japanese everything (except food). I love the country and the people (even
though they're all extremely xenophobic), as well as everything produced in
Japan (better games, better electronics, better cars, more interesting
history, etc.), but I don't particularly care for Japanese food.
Women. Don't ask me why, but I like almost all of the women I know, even
the ones I wouldn't expect myself to like (religious nuts, etc.). Of
course, this sets me up for a fall (due to various incompatibilities) when
I start liking a particular one more than usual. Call me crazy.
The Internet (r). Even though it's exactly the vast intellectual desert
that people say it is, I love it. Call me crazy.
Movies. Even though I prefer books, I'll gladly watch a crappy sci-fi
flick. In fact, I think I'll go watch one right now.
-Legion
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