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Fucked Up College Kids File 308
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Exeunt
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jane weighed 65 pounds when i met her. she paced constantly,
dragging her iv feeding tube around with her. she thought that if
she exercised enough, she wouldn't gain weight with the tube. she
was 13. she was sweet and generous, brilliant intellectually. her
eyes looked like the vapid holes in a skull emptied of its flesh.
her fingers were so delicate they looked as if holding a pencil
would be too stressful. she died when she was 14. she weighed 54
pounds.
joe was 16 when we met. he tried to kill a kid for calling
him a faggot. he wasn't gay, just angry. he had been in the hospital
4 times, once for a year. he never spoke, except to me. somehow he
felt safe with me. he went into violent rages, kicking and screaming,
begging to die. the beast, he called it, the rage within him. he
killed himself when he was 19. they discovered that he had two y
chromosomes when he died.
maria was hiv positive. she was 15 and had been coking
and prostituting for 3 years when we met. she had this hair, so
gorgeous and long. she was so proud of it. she would spend hours
on it, even when her face was covered with sores. she ran away once,
only to come back on smack, trembling and crying. she died at 20.
cancer, i heard.
john was 18 when he was diagnosed as having paranoid
schizophrenia. once he was a kid who liked science and had a
girlfriend and went to his junior prom. when i saw him he was
curled up in one of the chairs, hands shaking from the meds,
whispering softly to himself. he studied the ceiling a lot, and
had no control of his bladder. they finally put him in diapers.
i don't know where he is now.
i was 15 the first time i cut myself. did it for years.
i tried to kill myself a few ways a few times. i was anorexic
and bulimic. in the psych hospital twice. they had to watch
me eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. they took my blood
every day. i was on 4 or 5 meds at a time. i slept all the time
or not at all. i have been beaten and raped, sexually abused.
i have never been totally happy. i doubt i ever will be.
but i am not dead. and i will not die. i will live.
even if i have to kill myself trying.
- Palpable Obscure
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