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Fucked Up College Kids File 359
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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An Excerpt From my Diary
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"Yeah, i have a diary."
Preamble:
The names in this story have not been changed to protect anyone. Most of
the people that i talk about can sit festering in the most maddening
cesspool-ridden third world nations for eons: i just don't fucking care.
7/17/95 12:00pm: sitting in a bed surrounded by thirty other strangers
It's been an adventure so far. Walking in the door wasn't a problem. The
secretary was very nice. i sat and waited and a woman came over to tell me
about the program.
She showed me a map on the wall and the schedule. Then i sauntered around
for awhile and finally i went out to the car and brought my stuff in. Of
course, not before i had located my 'room' and placed my name-tag on my bed
(one in the corner, but the window).
i slowly took my things out of my bags and dropped them into the drawers
of a small dresser next to the bed. i hoped it was my allotted dresser.
i didn't want to take one that belonged to someone else. Thank god no one
was in the room when i did this.
i went outside and had a butt. You're not allowed to smoke anywhere in the
building - in fact you are not allowed to smoke *anywhere* on the premises.
i walked all the way down the hill, probably a mile, and then back up to
the top of route 183. i had turned around there earlier today when i had
missed the driveway.
i smoked a butt. As i did, i stared out over the open fields below me.
Far off to the east mountains stood, tall, rigid; purple guardians of what
lay beyond. Standing in the center of the fields was a lone oak tree.
Weathered with age it leaned against the wind. Two crows alighted atop
it's gnarled branches. i remembered the _Dream of the Rood_.
i went back to my room and read for a bit. No one else came in while i was
there.
i called Steve and Laura from the bank of pay phones in the front lobby.
i was a bit nervous about the whole thing. They said i was doing great.
i wasn't looking forward to dinner.
After a frantic search i found the unmarked misnamed bathroom - it was
labeled 'shower.' i went back to my room, read, went to have another butt,
and then went to dinner.
i found the dining area by looking at the map the woman had shown me when
i first arrived. It was upstairs. i got there early. Too early. i waited
around for an hour or two and when they opened the doors i wandered in.
The dining area was set up like a typical small college cafe. i couldn't
see where you put the trays when you where done though. That bothered me.
It's the little things that get me.
It was serve yourself. i slapped on things that i could recognize, which
wasn't a lot: some meat product, mashed potatoes, and string beans. i ate
quickly and then sat through four glasses of coke trying to figure out
where the fuck to put my tray. 'Do i leave it here? Or is there a garbage
area? Shit.' Finally i spied someone walking towards a door with their
tray. Bingo! i followed suit.
When i got out of the dining area i realized i was starving. i hadn't
really eaten anything, although i had to piss like a water buffalo.
-----
Just got off the phone with Steve, i'm off for a butt and then to bed.
7/18/95 7:56am: Morning in hell.
Got up at 5:00am today. Everyone was getting up to go to the morning yoga
thingy. i stayed in bed.
By the by, stumbling in last night wasn't so bad. i made it to my bed
without tripping or knocking into anything. Amazing considering the fact
that at 10pm they had turned out the fucking lights while i was out smoking!
Did i mention the guys in my room doing yoga shit in the morning? No, i
didn't. Ok, picture obese men in their thirties butt-naked doing splits.
i had all i could do to keep from retching in my bed. And what the fuck
is it with all these fuckers not wearing any clothes! i'm all for naked
sleeping, but not in a room full of other men. Is this some kind of freaky
gay club or something!?!
Showering sucks. It's a little cube of a room with shower heads lining the
wall. No bonus. 8 shower heads in a 12' cube. Whatever! i waited a
long time before i went into the shower. i was hoping that everyone would
be done by then. Almost everyone was. There was only two old guys in there
by the time i got in. Thank god they were shaving and i had the cube room
to myself.
Breakfast was all right. i sat alone again. i took a fork, knife, and a
plate; which proved useless.
At 8:30am i have to be at the chapel for my second little group thingy.
It's weird in this dorm/barracks room. We are all here together yet we are
all in our own world. No one pays any mind to another. It's not as if they
are being disrespectful, it's just that to grant courtesy would be to
validate the others existence.
Usually, in a situation such as this one - college comes to mind -
friendships start to blossom. It appears as though this isn't going to
happen here.
Michele (a guy from Toronto) just moved bunks before he went to eat. i
wonder why. My snoring? Me coming in late? He's a nice guy, 30 somethin',
just shy of 40. He looks like he could still be in school though. He's in
the self esteem program with me.
This poor woman in my self esteem group reminds me so much of Laura. So
much. i bet i could help her, but i won't. i have to keep in mind that
i'm here for me, not for anyone else. That's my biggest problem. 'Help
everyone - but myself.' Maybe by the end of the week i'll be able to do
that.
8:13am i'm getting nervous. i'll try to pee before i go to my workshop
deal.
Someone spoke! "Almost time." That's a first. i talked to Michele for
a second before but you know how i am. i guess if i start the conversation
then it doesn't count.
8:15am says the nervous lad as he works himself into a frenzy. i'd console
myself with the fact that there might be some cute females, but there haven't
really been any yet. Besides, they keep telling us that we aren't supposed
to engage in that sort of activity.
i think that they're on a power trip. Any place that denies you things is
too full of itself.
i'm TIRED OF SEING NAKED MEN IN MY ROOM!
Off to my meeting.
10:30am Running.
Ok, that's it. They're a fuckin' cult! Jesus what was i thinking. i'm
sitting here writing in hopes that everyone is going to leave soon. Then
i'm packin' my shit and running the fuck out of here!
i'd explain what happened but i don't think i can. It was weird. Really
weird. We were sitting in groups of three and then we started doing all
this relaxation shit and holdin' each other and whatever. Fuck that shit.
What in the fuckin' world was i thinkin'. These are the kinda people that
mothers warn their children away from. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
i'm makin' tracks man. i'm getting the fuck out. i don't want two fuckin'
dudes rubbin' my shoulders and shit. What the fuck is that?! i walked out
of group. i guess i didn't mention that. i pretended that i had to go to
the bathroom. Fuck, i didn't go back either. No fuckin' way.
No one has said anything to me yet. i'm wishing them all away now. i just
want to leave but i don't want to be confronted when i do. i'm totally
scared that i'm going to have to break out of here. This place is so freaky
now that i can see it for what it is.
Lights out at 10pm, touch your friends, make them feel comfortable.
What-the-fuck-ever!
i'm outa here . . .
- The Unbidden
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