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Fucked Up College Kids File 406
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Live Without Regret
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To live without regret, is to never live? Some think.
My Uncle Joe would always say, when he was skiing with anyone "If you don't
fall down, you're not pushing yourself hard enough." Perhaps, that is why
I always thought that it was possible to live without regret. Because, if
you don't take some risks, you will miss out. And, missing out on something
wonderful - what could be a worse regret then that?
"Live with no regrets. Be thankful for what you've been through. Turn
everything into a positive, that way you don't have any regrets. If you did
what you thought was the right thing to do at the time, then you should not
regret that decision." True.
Then why is it, that I find myself regretting some things?
What is it that I regret? Maybe you could care less, but can you think of
things you regret? If you had a chance to change that regret around, would
you?
My only regrets are two. I know that is few but ...
The first regret I have is the fact that I have trusted people. The first
incident that this caused regret in trusting someone, I was standing up for
them, so they would not end up getting killed, in doing so, I ruined my
chances straight across the board, on all sides, and all angles. Never to be
forgiven by some, never to be known by others, and never to be repeated by
anyone. The second incident where trusting someone has ended in regret is,
when I had been dating this guy for a couple of months. And, after talking
with him on the phone one night, he ended up coming over to my house. We
were going to go out to a movie, but, we ended up missing the time, so we
stayed at my house and hung out. His idea of hanging out was a lot different
then mine, and after that night, I was never going to trust him again, that's
for sure. When someone takes something from you, or try to force you into
something, that they had no right doing ... it changes things.
My second regret is, how I use to treat someone I knew. I considered him a
friend, really I did. I cannot begin to tell you all the times that he
really did treat me better then any of my boyfriends ... but, what would I
say? "You're only xxxx." little did I know, that was cutting him, deep, and
straight through the heart. I never meant it to hurt him... really. I just
never could describe him, any other than him just being him. xxxx is just
xxxx. You'd have to know him... that is what I would say. And, that is how
I'd say it. We had horrible fights at times. He would try to talk with me
about this or that, why I left the 'scene' and things like that, who I once
knew, etc. Many times we would hang up on each other, and many times there
were threats made, and cross-words said. Many times, that happened which now
I wish never had. Not that I would have probably reacted differently, if he
was acting the same, I just wish I would have realized how deep I was hurting
him. He hurt me, and I hurt him. It was a natural reaction, for me, since
I've been through everything that I have been through. But, that did not
make it right.
Heh... I'm one of those girls that have gone out repeatedly worse and worse
guys. No, Spyder, it's not just that one Midwest city, its more places then
that, where the majority of males treat females like shit. Though, a lot of
the females treat males like shit, too. I swear, it's like a social
acceptable fact that every girl is going to have many, many bad relationships.
Or maybe that's just how I look at it.
See, I'm not one of those girls that would always go to parties during HS,
nor did I date a lot. Most people have a hard time believing this ... Nor
was I a cheerleader, or a book worm. I just was someone that everyone knew
and I knew everyone, but, no one talked. No one asked... and nothing ever
happened except hell. But that is a different story of which I am not going
to go into right now. Hell, who knows if Disorder or anyone else will even
read this?
Anyway ... back to XXXX. He was a person, a person with real feelings, a
real life, real heart, and had been through his own share of hell. Maybe it
was because, I never felt like he was ever telling me the truth? But, no
matter that, a human being deserves to be treated like one ... though, maybe
he treated me better then a lot of my ex's, that's pretty sad. If you knew
who my ex's were, and how they treated me, compared to how XXXX treated me,
you'd probably think I am crazy... to even associate with any of them.
Regrets are something that cling to you, from the moment after the action,
and never really leave you ... they might not surface a lot, but when they
do, they hit you like a load of bricks and make you feel lower then dirt.
What I would love to see happen is these regrets fly away, and never have to
worry about watching my back, or having hurt XXXX... or if XXXX and I will
ever be friends, or maybe we are no good for each other? Only if things
would have been different... and all the what ifs float being making their
way through this head of mine, and I need to push them out, because if I
lived my entire life thinking 'what if' I would never 'be'.
So, what is the point of this? Learn how to make decisions, by thinking
and looking and realizing that: "Every action has a greater or equal
re-action." and Live Without Regret.
-Kamria
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