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Fucked Up College Kids File 377
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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The Beating of My Heart
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Have you ever felt like running for no reason? Just running for miles and
miles to the edge of the earth. Have you actually ever done it? The
feeling of wanting to escape from something can be relieving in itself.
The sensation that the further you run the more your problems are going to
fade away. Whether you are running from an abusive family or friend, from
a torn up childhood, from drugs, or even from yourself. Sooner or later
you are in the middle of nowhere. No problems, no people, nothing to worry
about. Then you realize that you have stopped and cherished the moment for
too long, because all the pain you were running from catches up to you. I
do this all the time, and each time I do it for the same reason. I have a
mental disorder known as love. A day never goes by where I don't worship
it, and not a day goes by that the pain from it makes me want to kill
myself. As I run I imagine myself like Tom Cruise in Far and Away after he
drops off Shannon who had just been shot. I imagine myself running through
the rain in the dark as fast as I can. Everything builds up to this final
explosion of relief. I would run miles through hell for that one second of
relief. That one second where all the pain you have vanishes like a Sunday
afternoon.
My problem isn't with love itself, it is how I love. My problem is that I
can fall in love with someone pretty easy. I just have too much kindness
in my heart to give away. However after about a week the person I am in
love with usually turns into a really good friend and I suppress any
emotions or love towards them. Usually the love I feel will turn into a
good friendship and I will never think about it again. This is how the
world works and this isn't my problem. My problem is that there are times
where that love never goes away. Even though deep in my heart I still
love them, I know that they can never feel that way about me, so I
suppress it and go on with my life. This is where the pain starts.
Suppressing love is a very hard thing to do, and I am not very good at it.
I can keep the emotion hidden from the person who it is directed towards,
but I can never keep it hidden myself. In most people love can fade until
it is just a memory, true love never dies. My love stays strong forever,
never fading. It keeps brewing up inside me until I explode. The
explosions are the only thing I live for anymore. When no one else is
around, I blast music and run my head into a wall. When I was younger I
would put holes in my bedroom door, I would mosh against the furniture in
my living room, I will do anything to physically hurt myself. I do this
because it takes pain away from my heart. Well, emotional that is
what it does for me, realistically I make the rest of my body hurt so bad
that I don't concentrate on the pain in my heart. It becomes dull in
comparison with the rest of me. This might seem silly, or even stupid to
you, but you have to realize that my heart aches that bad. It aches to the
point where I want to tear off my chest and throw away my heart.
The only comfort I get anymore comes from sleep. Sleep to me is like
marijuana to the painfully disabled. It is the one relief I look forward
to. Lately though I have been waking up in the middle of night. Restless
and unable to sleep. I just lay there thinking about how a life would be
with the women I love. I have great conversations with them, life time
experiences with them, everything I can imagine, all in my head. I have
lived and died many times all inside my mind.
Beyond all of this, there is one pain that tops everything I have
mentioned, jealousy. Jealousy and I have become best friends, I know him,
and I hate him. Shakespeare had it right when he said "Jealousy is the
green eyed monster which does mock the meat it feeds on." When I am in the
presence of someone I love, and they mention other people they think are
cute, that they like or are in love with it kills me. At that moment every
portion of my body because of giant dark hole. My mind begins thinking
evil thoughts against the person. I just want to take that person up into
the mountains and bury them forever in a hole. Never again would she
consider that person as a viable subject for the future as they are now
dead. I actually feel like killing every person she talks about, every
person on this planet, so that there is no one else but me. I know this is
insane, and I would never do it. I feel angry towards other people, but I
could never extract that angry into vengeance. I don't want someone to love
me by process of elimination. I want them to love me because they want to.
I know I am not the only person who has this problem. There are probably
millions of us out there. I am just writing this file so that I can
analyze my current state and try to figure out how to fix me. I know how
to fix me, but it requires something that no one will give me. The only
thing that keeps me going, the only thing that keeps me sane, the only
thing that keeps my alive is my hope that some day soon I can find a woman
who will love me as much as I love her. Someone I can spend the rest of my
life with. The way I see it, why bother living if you are only going to
spend it dying. Might as well shoot yourself now and get it over with.
Tortured Soul
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