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Fucked Up College Kids File 468
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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The Light
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Waking up, I turn thinking that someone is shining something brighter than
the sun into my eyes. Looking around, I realize it is still nighttime, and
the only ones that are up besides me now, are the animals outside.
The light is SO bright, what could be causing such a light? Maybe UFOs DO
exist? Pulling my shade, to open my window, I look out, I can tell the
light is shining down, looking up to the sky, I see it. The light, it's
so bright, and it's the moon.
Only seconds go by, before I realize what all I had done, and that instant
I begin to ask forgiveness to the one that has always been there. The
friend that has always stood by me, when no one else would, and could
help me continue on, even when I did not have the strength or will to
do so.
"I have taken your name and trashed it. Torn your ideas to shreds, and
stomped on the memory of you. Damning others and damning myself, because
of you. Nights I would stay awake, and wonder why you had left me. Days
I would scream out to you, only to hear silence, or just noises of nature.
I have done you so many wrong doings, especially for a friend that has been
there for me, as many times as you have ... I have forsaken you, more then
once. If I were you, I would not be able to forgive me, so how can I ask
you to?" A single tear falls from my eye, as I look up into the light,
that had awoken me.
Shaking my head, I continue to talk, even though I know he is not there. "I
have hurt myself, just so I would not have to know the joy and then feel the
pain after losing someone again. I shut you out of my life, so I could feel
okay about doing the things that I was doing. You always were able to get to
me, and make me think, I did not want to think, I just wanted to live, have
fun, enjoy myself!"
"No, how can I ask you to forgive me, when I cannot even forgive myself, for
all of my wrong doings? It is not right, so I stay away from you. It is
better for me to stay away, then have to face you, with the truths that I do
not even wish to remember. Memories of things that I have done, which I know
you would frown upon, or wonder if you had really taught me anything at all.
So, I did not call, write, or contact you ... how can I ask you to forgive,
when if the roles would have been reversed, I would find it probably too
difficult to forgive?"
"There is an empty void, within my heart, an ache which has gone uncured,
since I have tried to keep you out of my life. A void that only you have
ever filled, and a void that I now know only you could ever fill."
"I went back to where I remember first seeing you, but you were not there,
only the sun was shining, and animals about. I called for you, but all I
heard was the noise that was carried on the wind. So, I left."
Laying back down in my bed, I pull the covers up around me, not wanting to
let him, as if he could, see right through me. But, I knew he only had to
look towards me, to know what was held in my heart. No covers, or hiding
could change that fact.
"Please forgive me, for having hurt you, but how can I ask you to forgive me
when even I cannot forgive myself?"
Then he spoke, no words, just all of sudden, He was there, in my room, on my
bed, and wrapping his arms around me. I sobbed, my sides ached so bad, but
all I could do was keep crying. 'How could someone I have done so much to,
still hold me while I am down, to help me stay up?' Finally, after a few
hours, I somehow fell asleep, within his arms. That was the best nights
sleep I ever have had in my entire life.
When I woke up, I could almost still feel him there, though I knew he was
not. Looking around my room, I saw on my dresser a note, and on the note
said: "Anyone that is truly sorry, is forgiven. I hoped that you would
come back, but I knew I had to give you time. When you did not, and I
knew you were as if trying to hide from me, I asked for some help, and
got the light to wake you ... the woods when you went to find me, were full
of life, yet you would not see it. I have always been with you, you just
had to realize that you had to forgive yourself, and in doing so, I could
forgive you."
I still have that note. And, after I read it for the first few times, I did
not realize, that on the back of it, was the very symbol of our friendship,
and what held it together ...
It is from that day forward, that I know as long as I stay true to myself,
and remember who my one true friend is, whenever that last light comes, I
will not be burning, but in The Last Light.
-Kamira
November 19, 1997
kami@sekurity.org
www.sekurity.org/~kamira
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