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Fucked Up College Kids File 394
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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prelude to sleeping
-------------------
it never ends. the calm inside of me. the depth of reaching, of growing.
of stretching out and feeling free. of being new.
It is now nearly 4:30a. I have listened to _fumbling towards ecstasy_ three
times, and have such a gamut of emotions, that even I can barely contend
with it. Memories have flooded my senses, thoughts and ideals that i
sometimes bury so deeply that i can't find them, even when i try. the
needs/wants of relationships, the possibilities of love, reaching out,
clutching hard, never wanting to be let go, watching your lover walk away
from you. the depression, the hurt, the anger, the pain. the asking of 'why
why why', and not ever knowing the answer. wanting to dive deep to the
depths of some mystical world and never surfacing. kicking back and
listening to the same CD over and over, searching for answers to questions
you can have always been afraid to ask. feeling your own humanity at
stake, and running the gamut of emotions, watching memories in your mind's
eye like film clips, painting pictures. wanting to feel consumed in fires
of emotions. the connects and disconnects. the disappointments, the rage
and hate. feeling afraid and alone, celebrating anniversaries alone, and
knowing (if i leave you know, you know i won't love you any less) that the
maybe's 'ifs' and 'buts' were nothing but words inserted for your own fear.
pushing back against the norm to register who and what you are. claiming
individuality for individualaties sake. to be free of constraints and of
ideals. to just BE! to just continuing finding something and seeing it in
front of you and knowing that maybe.. possibilities seem endless of the
discourse of human interaction. to take that wild plunge for the sake of
being and doing. to never be afraid to wonder or to learn. to want to push
the limits to never ending possibilities and to just thank god your alive.
you breathe, you hope and you fear, but you will never be alone. ever. you
stretch out in your images and just fondle your dreams like precious
coins, sometimes feeling like your holding back, and wondering why you
can't be like everyone else, and hoping against hope, that isn't something
wrong with you, but loving your madness. and being in love. being
possessed by that overwhelming passion, that seemingly once in a lifetime
occurance, only to be disappointed by conflicts and stupid crap. drinking
alone, getting high, tripping on acid. looking for god. looking to move to
that mountain top to find your answers. to push away the human boundaries
because of the pain. sweet glorious pain that shapes our ideals and makes
you contemplate between life and death, and you just don't know! you
i
well
can you really say its okay?
can you really nod and think its fine? how many times can you write down
your feelings without them becoming monotonous and over analyzed. why
can't we just 'be' for the sake of living and why can't we just 'do' for
the sake of 'doing'? i really wanted to try..and somehow that never seemed
good enough for you, for me, for anyone anymore
i am waiting to break free. to run against the waves, to fly towards the
sun, as high as I can nd never turn around. to grasp, kiss, fondle,
caress all those around me and show them what life is about. to gather
together and celebrate being alive.
i want to understand.
i didn't want to forget.
i didn't want to reconcile the probabilities and the notions.
i didn't want to push you away when i did. i didn't want to hold back from
fear. i didn't want to lose you when i needed you and i didn't want to
forget what it was all about. i didn't want to scream in rage or pound my
head against a wall or forget about being alive. i didn't want to lie to
you, cheat on you or lose your faith. i wanted you to understand why i do
what i do, and to believe that. i wanted to be your female counterpart to
succumb to your advances, to submit to you and dominate you. i wanted to
play games with you and just drive you insane with being coy and then walk
away with job well done. i wanted to arch my back in pleasure in the
tenderness of moments and feel your cock buried deep in me. i wanted to
close my eyes and feel you around me no matter where i was. i didn't want
it to be like this.
i don't like it being like this. i wanted to ask you answers to my
questions, and
NOT
HAVE
YOU
BLOCK
ME
OUT.
why would it be so hard for you to take my heart. you've ripped it into a
1000 pieces, like glass shards, and now it lays, exposed, waiting for
someone to pick it up, and i asked you, begged you so long ago to
understand me, to understand the inner turmoil between the selves, the
ego's and yes, even the multiple personalities. i begged you to come to me.
i remained strong for strength sake, and to not burden you with any
emotional trivialties.
and a depth inside of me, which couldn't be reached.
which couldn't be found.
which couldn't be completed. you called me a liar. as if loving many
people was a sin. DON'T IMPOSE YOUR JUDGEMENT ON ME. i loved each and
everyone that i said i loved as completely as possible, and it didn't work
out. and i walked away learning something, giving even more to the next
lover. giving them which the previous ones denied me before. you kill a
part of me with your words, you sneer at my attempts of finding hope and
of faith and you keep killing a part of me. you didn't believe me when i
said i loved you. don't pass judgement on me. i know what i said and i
said what i meant. just because YOU won't believe makes my faith any less
of a reality.
how many times, misses and attempts will it take to reconcile this
craziness burning deep inside of me. how many times do i have to sit and
mull over problems and curious to find the answers, and you just keep
BLOCKING
ME
OUT
pushing me towards finding no better answers or not even listening to what
i say. i begged, i humbled my self, i pushed YOU away. i played your game.
i fought and tortured myself and agonized over such TRIVIAL THINGS.
ohhhhhhhhhhh god
this constant torture of being pulled a 1000x different directions and
never sure which direction is going in. and never sure then what side of.
and crying. holding back the tears, not wanting to show you the more
"weak" side, because that is BLASPHEMOUS to
to
to
lies and sweat and sex and cigarette smoke curling around my fingertips
hearing the subway running
pushing it all back deep inside, swallowing it whole
i never asked for this, i never wanted this.
all i wanted was to be happy. not sitting up at nearly 5am yawning and
listening for hidden messages in cd's. staring at pictures of myself,
getting ready to ship to friends.
DO YOU FEEL?
does the pain and emotion flood you when your alone. nothing keeping you
together but memories of past relationships and tender moments? do you
recognize your strengths and weaknesses inside you? or are you truly a
cold person..
no
i don't believe in that.
i saw the importance. i saw what i could do to you. i saw myself making
you complete.
and if you tell me it was all for nothing.
I WILL KNOW YOU LIE.
even to yourself.
I wouldn't have told you i loved you. you wouldn't have come for me if you
didn't feel the depth.
don't condemn me
please
don't
make
me
feel
like
i can't do this alone.
will i be relentless now that i can't have you?
no word.
nothing.
silence fills the air.
i look for you everywhere i go
and i can't find you
WHY WHY WHY
no playing with fire. i warned you. you will get burned.
and now its too late for to
honest words
the truth enslaved in emotions as we keep playing these mind fuck games
sneering
addicting
consume me
make me whole
in this space
i have gone to far to go back
i keep reaching for you
in my mind
with my body
that was heaven that was to me
i keep believing
silence of the night
glaring lights around me
intoxicated
and i can't shake this
not now..not yet..
old passions stirring old feelings re-aquainting each other
silence is so peaceful
breakdown of minds
i believe in you
i have faith
just don't let me go
its not time yet...
Simunye Design: New Innovations for a new world
http://www.simunye.com
Into the sea of waking dreams, I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here & I won't be denied
-"Possession" Sarah McLachlan
- Simunye
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