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flc-002
(startfile: 7.59.36pm 6.10.96)
neko's welcome
--------------
it's less than a week after funky llama club #1 was 'released' and i'm already
hard at work (ha!) on the second. go figure. guess i'm not done yet. first i
have to remember how to switch windows in desqview. i think you have to press
alt ... yeah, whatever. since i am going to russia, i bought a tape to help me
learn russian. i am listening to it right now. so, if i write something really
.. awkward .. it probably was suggested subliminally from my russian tapes.
well, i don't know what else i should talk about except that i was actually
surprised that people liked flc #1. that was pretty rad. so, anyhow, everything
else will be explained hereafter.
love,
john
index
-----
01 ... neko's welcome
02 ... weekly rewind
03 ... january 10th, 1996
04 ... a walk in the park
05 ... january 11th, 1996
06 ... the return of the rentals
07 ... january 12th, 1996
08 ... who am i to dis madonna?
09 ... january 13th, 1996
10 ... the history of the world
11 ... january 14th, 1996
12 ... the tonight show
13 ... january 15th, 1996
14 ... a joke
15 ... january 16th, 1996
16 ... hum
17 ... january 17th, 1996
18 ... the letter
19 ... january 18th, 1996
20 ... what's new, pussycat?
january 10th, 1996 -- 9:48PM
----------------------------
i think maybe allison is lonely and rather depresed, like me, despite her
facade. i hope she read my stories. i wonder what she'll day about them. tell me
what she did or didn't like or just give them back with a thank you. i actually
expected her to call me tonight, just to discuss the writings, if nothing else.
maybe she did, i was gone for an hour or so. she said she was going to call last
night, for chemistry help, but she couldn't find my number. this makes me feel
bad, because i think i could've helped her. i think someone told her she was
worthless, bad, or something like that and she believed it. in other news, the
first day of finals went ok, i guess. i've got this feeling in my stomach -- it
usually means i want to write, but my mind seems completely blank. maybe that's
for the best.
a walk in the park
------------------
in the room full of people, they were alone. it mattered not that there were
people coming at them from all directions; they noticed only one another.
between them, there was a knowingness, and, also, a shared nervousness.
they had known each other for quite some time now, but had only really
gotten to know one another in the past month. they only had one class together,
but he went out of his way to try to be around her whenever possible. he enjoyed
her -- every aspect. the way she looked, the way she spoke, the way she thought.
on this evening, he had been invited to a party. he went even though he knew
he didn't fit in with most of the other invitees. he went because he hoped she
would be here. he was prompt and on time -- the first to arrive. he helped the
hostess with her final preperations and they talked. soon, another guest arrived
and the conversation began to wear thin.
just as he was beginning to question whether or not he should have come, he
saw her walking to the door. his face lit up like a lightbulb. she was excited
to see him, too. they talked. laughed. smiled. connected. she was soon called
away to speak to some of the other guests and that left him alone. he grew bored
with his current activity -- staring into space -- and went to talk to the other
partygoers.
eventually, after throwing many nervous glances in her direction, they
talked again. he put on some music he liked -- much to the disapproval of the
majority of the people -- and they enjoyed each other's presence. a deck of
cards was procured and they played a game with another boy and girl.
after a few hands, the hostess decided it was time to turn the lights off
and start the dance. he was nervous for two reasons: he didn't feel that he knew
how to dance, and he wante to dance with her more than anything in the world.
the music started out good -- violent femmes "blister in the sun" -- but soon
degenerated into "jock jams".
he left the dance area, and stood, looking like a wallflower. she came over
and asked him why he wasn't dancing. he told her calmly that there was only so
much of this music that a sane person could listen to, and he had reached that
point. she stayed and talked to him until a song came on he felt he could dance
to. they went their seperate ways.
when the dancing ended, they reconvened. he just wanted to talk more. to
share more. to be with her more. the hostess had other ideas, however. the
dancing started again. he looked at his watch. he had told his mother he would
be home at 10:00, and it was already 10:15. he excused himself and drove home.
he couldn't pay attention to the music in the car, the traffic, the road, or
anything. he was elated. his mind kept focusing on her. when he got home, he
stayed awake until midnight, hoping she would call. he had no reason to expect
her to, but he had his hope and it hadn't wronged him earlier in the evening.
he spent the next day with his stomach tied in knots. he kept telling
himself he would call her, and then he would put it off. his mother told him
that she really liked him and that she wanted to go to her senior prom with him.
she added that he should take her to a movie. he wondered how his mother knew
this, but decided that since he hoped it was true, it didn't matter.
he thought he had found love. a love that would be shared and returned to
him many times over. love. he decided that it was important to him and he would
persue it.
january 11th, 1996 -- 9:41PM
----------------------------
i can't wait until i can drive -- just so i can get out of here. i could
probably kill an entire gas tank driving around over a weekend. whenever i try
to point out differences in things, my mind goes through a massive list of their
relativity. that pisses me off intensely because it makes it useless for me to
explain differences to people. i NEED to leave school. my potential is being
squashed day in and day out. if i were to not come back after finals, i wonder
how many people would try to seek me out. whether i like the thought or not, the
people who make an effort to keep in touch are the True friends. Unfortunately,
probably no one who I would like to be a true friend is. i would really like to
meet some people in st. louis. if nothing else, well, i don't know. last day of
finals tomorrow. haven't studied for a single one yet. whoop-de-doo. i think
i'll study trig tomorrow morning. not studying would be an incredible gamble. on
another note, allison seemed to like my stories, er, writings. too much to do,
too little time for it all, what with school being a major interference and all.
i wonder if anyone outside of me sees me for who i am. i wonder if anyone else
sees the depression, the discontent, the disgust, the contempt for this life. i
wonder if anyone else feels similar. i wonder if anyone else will try to help
me. to change this. i wonder if allison will want to "buy" me this weekend --
and if she actually will this time. this is it.
the return of the rentals
-------------------------
i bought this album last winter after seeing the friends of p video a few times
and thinking that it was damned amazing music. this album was not a let down. i
really really like it. that surprises me, since i don't really like the two
bands whose members comprise the rentals (weezer and that dog.). the rentals
music takes me back to the magical years before i was born -- the years when the
moog synthesizer was .. well, more commonplace than it is now. the album is a
perfect mixture of the alternative rock stylings of weezer and that dog. and a
few moog synthesizers. the songs on this album, all seem to focus on love, in
some off-beat way or another. in friends of p, they even have a masturbation
reference!: 'i'm a good guy for a gal ... so won't you look my palm over?'
ah-ha! what i don't understand is why he would ask a girl to do such a thing.
does he masturbate and wish to show her that he has sex experience (with
himself, at least)? or does he wish to show her that he is completely pure, and
has never masturbated. wait, he wears glasses. he *must* masturbate. hell, i
wear glasses, and *i* masturbate. it's kinda weird, actually. i credit my poor
vision to my shitty computer monitor (my vision didn't decline until i started
modeming). however, a closer look points out that i also started masturbating at
about the same time. so, maybe, masturbation really does lead to blindness. and
yes, i *did* download tons and tons of those pictures. i even had this fake
account -- this is really great, you've gotta hear this -- named james black.
see, the boards here in illinois used to give you access with just a valid
driver's license number. there was this program called illdl that would toss you
out a valid license for your name and birthday. so, i made james black. handle:
pachinko. 'he' got adult access on all the adult boards and made me very happy.
then i decided to share the wealth -- i gave the account out to all of my
friends. they, in turn, gave it to all of their friends. i swear, that summer,
every 13-14 year old porno hungry kid in northern illinois must've had the
password for james black. man, those were the days. but, anyway, the rentals -
return of the rentals is a really good album. even if it is on madonna's record
label.
january 12th, 1996 -- 11:52PM
-----------------------------
Wowee zowee! End of Finals. I don't tink i did so terrific on my trig + english
finals, though. oh well. went to Mad City, got Exit the Dragon on record. Went
home and my Urge Secret Society Internationale stuff was in the mailbox! it's a
sign from god, i tell you! i also got a $1000 scholarship to COE College if i go
there -- just because dad is an alumnus. went to corey's for like 6 hours or so.
got within incredibely close proximity to kyla the entire time almost. when she
left, corey asked me what i thought about it. i didn't know and still don't. DiD
anything happen? or were we just playing around? should i mention this to Kyla
tomorrow night at school? or at church sunday? at all? i mean, i'd feel real
dumb if i looked far into this and it turned out there was nothing there. i
don't know, but i think this was the contact i've needed for awhile. i gave
allison 2 disks of text warez. wonder what she'll think of those.
who am i to dis madonna?
------------------------
i shouldn't dis madonna, she was my sex goddess before i knew what sex was.
january 13th, 1996 -- 10:50PM
-----------------------------
hardly did anything today. talked to Kyla for like an hour in the hope of maybe
building some sort of relationship. since corey said we (me + kyla) were
flirting, i decided to ask Kyla what she thought. she didn't really seem to
know, either. i don't know whether thats good or bad, but there doesn't seem to
be any tension from this - which is good. at band, Kyla talked to Megan the
entire time, so i talked to Allison. she seems to have gotten the tEXT wAREZ to
work! oh, joy. whatever. we had a good time, i think. odd that absolutely
nothing comes to mind as things to write about. we'll see what tomorrow brings.
the history of the world
------------------------
In the beginning, there was nothing. That's right, no earth, no universe,
not a damn thing existed. That is until God got hungry. You see, when God
needed something, he created it. Unfortunately for God, he knew that hunger was
not quenchable simply by creating one thing.
God's hunger was not your normal, every day, average hunger. Oh no. When
God got hungry he needed something ultra-spectacular. He needed HANDI-SNACKS.
The thing was - God knew what he needed to make HANDI-SNACKS but it wasn't
pretty. He would have to make a universe and a planet called Earth.
God was a very patient man, which was good. He made the universe in a
record six days, and then declared the seventh day a day of rest. God then
set to work creating the basic components for HANDI-SNACKS. He first created
animals, plants and men and women. The animals and plants were to provide
sustinence until HANDI-SNACKS could be produced and the men and women were to
be the ones creating the HANDI-SNACKS. God then started waiting.
God had originally instilled the belief in men and women, or 'humans' as
he liked to call them, that their sole purpose in life was to create
HANDI-SNACKS. He even implemented the plans for making them in their heads so
that they could do it. He was very pleased with their progress after a few
weeks and decided he could sleep for a while. While he slept, one of the women
went to the Tree of Knowledge, which God had told the humans time and time
again to never go to, and she ATE A FUCKING APPLE FROM IT! She then took a
basket and gathered up more apples to feed all of the humans.
The humans now had intelligence and realized that God was a fraud. They
wanted more from their life than just making HANDI-SNACKS for God. They started
to rebel against God, which was not a good idea, since he was the Creator of
all life and he could give it and take it at whim. God was still asleep, and
then Jesus rushed in with the news, rudely waking God up.
"What the fuck do you want, waking me up from my sleep like that..." cried
God.
"Well, umm, sir, the humans, they're, um, rebelling against you." replied
Jesus.
"WHAT THE FUCK! How did this happen? Wait, it's coming to me. One of those
stupid women did it. Shit. I knew I should have made the damned HANDI-SNACKS
myself.
"Did anyone *NOT* eat the apples, Jesus?" asked God.
"A man named Noah and his family refused to disobey you. They would not
eat the apples," said Jesus
"Bring Noah to me!" commanded God. And it was done. "Noah, I feel I should
warn you."
"What of, Lord?" asked Noah.
"There will not be any zero day warez available on earth for a long while.
Er, that is, to the regular humans. There will only be zero day available to
YOU."
"But...why...me, Lord?"
"Because YOU did not disobey me. The others all ate the apple, disobeying
me. Do not listen to what they say, continue to trade warez and work towards
our ultimate goal - the HANDI-SNACK."
"I will do as you say, Lord. Thank you, thank you," replied the
brainwashed Noah.
"Very good. Now be gone," and with that, Jesus returned Noah to his home.
The next day, a famine began. There were no 0 day warez to be found
anywhere. Anywhere except Noah's Place, that is. God's couriers continued to
supply Noah with the 0 day warez. Noah's users (the users of all the systems
in Eden were not human, and therefore were unaffected by the apples) donated
even more to his system and less to all of the rest of the humans. God allowed
this to continue until all of the rest of the humans had died. Then Noah became
the proud father of a new nation. This nation was completely brainwashed into
the ultimate goal: producing HANDI-SNACKS. God destroyed the tree of knowledge
so that another nasty 'incident' wouldn't occur.
A few hundred years later, God decided that the people weren't coming
toward the ultimate goal at an acceptable speed, so he sent Jesus down to earth
to fix this. Well, by now, some people had begun thinking for themselves and
realized Jesus' evil plot. They crucified him and ended the problem right
there.
God was then resigned to waiting a few thousand years for his
HANDI-SNACKS.
When God saw too many lazy people, he would just start a Holy War. First
with the Crusades and later with the Inquisition. This got rid of many of the
lazy people and helped further God's quest for HANDI-SNACKS. God thought that
obtaining the ultimate goal would be worth sacrificing a few human lives.
Jesus thought otherwise.
"God, I know you're the big cheese and all, and I respect your decisions,
but why are we killing people just to get fucking HANDI-SNACKS? I mean, I don't
have the same imaginitive taste system as you, but they can't taste that good,
can they? I mean, is it worth killing people just to get some food?" asked
Jesus.
"What have I taught you? HANDI-SNACKS are going to be my joy. I will not
allow you or anyone else to fuck my dream up. Jesus: think of this. Stale
crackers and hard fake cheese. A plastic stick that you scoop the cheese on to
the crackers with. Sounds delicious, doesn't it," said God.
"Uhm, what is it, God? A HANDI-SNACK?"
"Yes, my child. Delicious, eh? Just wait until the 20th century! We'll
have all of this and more."
"Actually, God, I didn't think it sounded so good...."
"DID I ASK FOR YOUR FUCKING OPINION ON THIS? I DIDN'T THINK SO!"
"Sorrrrry! Jeeze!"
"Begone heathen! Guards!" And with that, Heaven's guards came to take
Jesus away.
"Not so fast God!" said the Holy Spirit. "Don't you remember the TRINITY?
The three-in-one? We're suppose to be together on everything."
"You're right..." commented God. "Guards, throw them BOTH into the depths
of hell." The guards happily obliged.
Finally it was the moment that God had waited millions of years for -
Kraft foods was announcing that the HANDI-SNACK would revolutionize the snack
food industry. Little did the executives at Kraft know that they were playing
into the hands of God. Now that God had a steady supply of HANDI-SNACKS, he
made sure that the Kraft corporation would have enough money to keep churning
out HANDI-SNACKS and a variety of other shitty products. Now God was happy,
the world was fairly happy, there was just that matter of Jesus and the Holy
Spirit to deal with. So, after polishing off a case of HANDI-SNACKS, God got
off of his ass and went to the depths of hell.
"HALT! WHO GOES THERE!" shouted Satan.
"Just me, your friendly neighborhood God."
"Oh, hey, man, long time no see!"
"It really HAS been too long, hasn't it...how are Jesus and the Spook
doing down here?"
"Oh, you know. They're saying that they don't mind being here, but you
know they really don't like it."
"Yeah..well...I think I'm going to let them out today...Oh! I brought you
something. You'd better eat them quickly, before they melt. They're
HANDI-SNACKS. They're the purpose of the earth."
"Thanks..." said Satan as he dug into his HANDI-SNACK. "WHOA! These things
are REALLY delicious! These are great! Where can I get more?"
"Anytime you need them, I'll send someone down with them. Here, I'll get
you a case right now. That ought to last you a week or so. Well, I gotta go see
JC and the Spook, so if you'll excuse me..."
"Thanks alot God! Here, go on through this door..."
God entered the room where Jesus and the Holy Spirit were confined to. He
burst in on their strip poker game. Jesus later explained this as, "Hey,
strange habits develop when you're locked in a room with another guy for a few
hundred years, so fuck off, OK?"
"I'm really sorry for throwing you guys down here..."
"That's OK...we've never been closer," said Jesus, winking at the Holy
Spirit.
"Well, uhm, that's great and all..I've come here today to tell you that
the ultimate goal has been reached. Here, have a HANDI-SNACK.." and God gave
Jesus and the Holy Spirit each a HANDI-SNACK.
"Wowee!! These are great!" shouted Jesus and the Holy Spirit, nearly in
unison. "We're sorry we ever doubted you."
"I knew you'd see it my way. Now I will allow you to come back to your
rightful places in Heaven on my side. The Trinity shall be One again!"
"Uhm, can we just stay down here, God? We've kind of taken a liking to it
here..." said the Holy Spirit.
"Fine. I offer you the world, and you'll throw it away for... for ..
this!" shouted God.
God decided it was time to relax and be forgotten. He found an influential
pop superstar named Trent Reznor and had him write the lyrics, 'Your God is
dead, and no one cares.' This caused most of humanity to cease their believing
in God. God didn't care any more. Human civilization had reached its utmost
goal. God was content to let the humans run things, for a little while anyway.
He had his HANDI-SNACKS, and after all, what else would he need?
january 14th, 1996 -- 9:28PM
----------------------------
church was alright today. but it seems that too many people are only there to
socialize. there's nothing wrong with thatm but church is a place for worship
and spirituality. i do want to know these people because, as a whole, they are
the most interesting people i have met. there is so much there. potential. i
would like to explore someone, learn their potentials, but with the people who
i've tried with, i am usually ignored or disregarded to some extent. seems
they've got other people on their mind and i immediately take the back seat when
they come into the foreground. examples are too numerous to mention, but if i am
conversing with someon, and certain someone else comes into the room, said
conversation ceases to exist. where has courtesy gone? why is it that i acn go
out of the way to be there for these people and my reward is complete disregard
for my actions. no deposit, no return. so, logically, the opposite is true. i
wish it were. i've tried erasing all expectations of other people, but i still
get hurt and am left feeling empty. i need a safe haven. on a different note, it
looks like i'll be going to NOAC August 10-15. i am selfish. i desire to see
other people happy, but when someone other than me makes them happy, i feel
something bad. jealousy? Kurt Cobain is on my CD player now lamenting, "I miss
the comfort in being sad." being somewhat sad right now, myself, i find myself
disagreeing with him. this is not comforting at all.
the tonight show
----------------
from off the stage. the announcer's voice...
"you all know him and love him. he's god's favorite son - and yours too, no
doubt! he died for your sins. your saviour and mine...and now, heeere's jesus!"
crowd cheers. goes wild.
man, about 30 years old, trots out. waves to the crowd and gives a canned,
'hello, how are ya?' speech.
more cheers from the crowd.
"well, folks, my name is jesus christ and this is the tonight show! we've got a
great show for you tonight! but first let's get a round of applause for al
jourgensen and the tonight show band, ministry!"
applause.
jesus cuts it off simply by jerking his hand across his neck. "allrighty then!
for those of you who don't know, al here has done some fine music including the
song 'jesus built my hotrod' - heh, wishful thinking, al!"
"well, maybe someday JC!"
"not in this lifetime, al! allrighty then. he's also made a terrific album of
musical numbers called psalm 69. personally psalm 43 is my favorite, but the
kids just love this number 69! allrighty then." walks past water cooler to desk.
sits down. "you all know my co-host, give it up for the holy spirit!"
crowd roars.
"allrighty then. calm down, folks! you don't even know what we've got on our
show tonight. do you want to tell them or should i, spirit?"
"well, first we've..."
"ok, as i was saying before the spook interrupted me, first we've got some great
footage of priests finding out they're in hell! laugh a minute - i promise! i'll
answer some of the home viewers' questions, i think god's gonna drop by for some
stupid religion tricks and maybe we'll even have a surprise celebrity visit! but
first let's make some noise for al and ministry as they take us to a
commercial!"
crowd roars. enthusiastically.
"allrighty! welcome back! i'm your host, jesus christ! let's get down to
business. hey, spook - you hear that we're number one in the ratings?"
the holy spirit's face lights up in a smile. "no, jc, i was unaware of that!"
"ha! so was i! we aren't even breaking the top 10! but that's ok! the
blasphemous sinners who don't tune in monday thru friday at 11, 10 central,
might just be taking a warm vacation in the future. but we won't go into that,
will we, spooky boy?"
"no, sir, no we won't, sir."
"that's right. well, now. that's enough chit-chat. let's get down to business.
our first guest this evening is from the simpsons. give it up for neeeeddd
flanders!"
"howdy, jesus! what a pleasure it is to meet you! and the holy spirit, too!
golly, gee, this is a glorious day!"
the spirit moves to make room for flanders.
"welcome, ned. let's get right down to business."
"business-y-boodely works for me!"
"allrighty, then. is the simpsons environment one conducive to spreading
christianity? let me make that simpler. as a devout christian, do you run into
many problems on the set?"
"well, jesus, can i call you jesus?, it's not too bad. most of the other members
of the show and it's staff respect my beliefs. it's just that homer simpson.
sometimes he makes me so mad! he refuses to accept the lord in all his almighty
goodness."
"alright, ned. that must be tough. i suppose you think god's reserved a special
place in heaven for you, what with all the crusading you do."
"actually, yes, i did have some thoughts like that."
"ha! it'll be a cold day in hell before you ever make it to heaven!"
"wha-wha-what? <sob> you mean...i'm going to fry?"
"yes! you catch on quickly! you just exhibited pride. that's a sin, neddy, me
boy! there's numerous other little quirks, too."
"wi-wi-will i see homer there?"
"of course not! you're only going there because you put on a faade. homer makes
no point of hiding his shortcomings. homer will enjoy eternal life in the
highest heaven."
"bu-bu-but..."
"next! well, folks, i admit, that was kind of cruel, but he did deserve it,
didn't he, spirit? - and on national television! what a rush!"
"that he did, sir, that he did!"
"ok...what do we have next.."
voice from offstage.
"what? we don't have time to show the priests in hell footage? well, sorry,
folks. i'm sure you were looking forward to it as much as i was. maybe tomorrow
night instead, eh, spooky?"
"yes, sir, yes."
thunderous applause.
"well, looky here! it's god here for some stupid religious tricks!"
"hello, everyone, i'm god!"
applause up the ass!
"today our stupid religious trick we need a volunteer. you, sir. what's your
name?"
"sam griga. but my friends call me gumby."
"well, then, gumby, here's what we're going to do. have you ever been baptised?"
"no sir."
"goood. here we have the baptismal firehose! and guess what? that's right! you
get to drink from it!"
"oh boy!"
"here goes"
spurt.
griga's body flies up against the brick wall of the set, crushing every bone in
his body.
"someone clean that up!" shouts god.
"guess he'll be joining us up above sooner than he expected, eh, god?"
speculated jesus.
"righty-o my son! well that's all i have for today! see you next time!"
"let's all give a big hand to your father and mine - god!"
applause like you wouldn't believe.
"hey, kids! look what i've got here in my hand! that's right! letters! let's see
the first one says:
'dear jesus,
ever since my boyfriend left me, i haven't been able to get any sexual
pleasure. is masturbating a sin in this case? i have enclosed a picture of
myself - nude - so you can help to understand the situation.
sincerely,
natasha nymph'
well, natasha, judging from your picture, your ex-boyfriend is a stupid man
destined to burn in hell. and about the masturbation - forget about it! i'll be
over later tonight...if ya know what i mean!"
"hey, jesus," uttered the holy spirit. "how do you get all the women?"
"well, you see, i...well...i is taught to all to fear, love, and respect me.
some women take it a bit too far, but i feel it is my duty to the chicks to make
them happy."
"right! i see! so you don't just make up all of these letters?"
"of course not!"
a cruel shut up is whispered from jesus to the holy spirit.
"well, that's all the time we have tonight. join us next time when we'll have an
in-depth discussion with homosexual transvestite catholic priests - and the men
who love them. next on.."
the crowd screams, "THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JESUS CHRIST!"
january 15th, 1996 -- 9:45PM
----------------------------
Between 1 and 9 I had about 10 or so people over for varying degrees of time. we
just sat around and watched movies. Wargames, Demon Knight, Jurassic Park: The
Musical, Heathers, Jurassic Park again, PCU. i enjoyed myself and actually THANK
my mom for this. tim turned 16 today. he's gonna get his license wednesday.
corey's got a thing for Megan, he thinks steve does too. i guess i've got a
thing for allison. i was close to her pretty much the entire 2 hrs she was here.
she didn't seem to mind. maybe she's got a thing for me, too. hah. that's be
great: a person i like that likes me, too. the possibilities seem endless.
realistically, however, it would seem to be too good to be true. i am trying to
build something outside of school. i have passed her my number, like, 4 times.
was tonight the peak or just another building block? so little happened today,
but it was still definitely the best day i've had in awhile.
a joke
------
rub a dub dub
three men in a tub
leave em in there too long and they'll get AIDS!@
(told to me by the cop who fingerprinted me while i was trying to wash the
finger print stuff off)
january 16th, 1996 -- 8:27PM
----------------------------
you can't believe how little one can accomplish in a day until you've taken a
look at me. but i did dream that i was an exchange student in russia. the
housing was odd, and i think Kaying was living there, too. i also got the
impression that natalie was somehow involved.
hum
---
he attended. just as she'd asked him to do, so long ago. he enjoyed it, really.
the rituals made it ... interesting. he gazed up at the stars and waited. he
didn't know what he was waiting for. ever so slowly, the sky unfolded. he was
still unsure what he was waiting for. the first stars appeared in the night sky.
all he could think about was how much he loved her. wanted her. needed her.
where was she? after all, she had requested his presence. he begin to think. to
overanalyze, really. what if it was just a rouse, he wondered. uncomfortable
now, he reclined. looked into the stars. maybe the answer was there. "nicholas?"
it was her. he had always hated it when his mother had called him that, but, for
some reason, coming out of her sad face it was perfect. he began to stand up but
she waved him off. he lay back down. he studied her sad smile. what did she want
from him. he never knew. she slowly walked toward him and lay down next to him.
he wanted so much to hold her. to kiss her. to make love to her. but the nagging
uncertainty kept him from doing so. she took his hand in hers. to him it felt as
if an electric bolt had just run through him. "marissa...." he asked. continued,
"can i .. can i hold you..." no answer. he turned on his side to face her. where
was she? had she ever been there at all?
january 17th, 1996 -- 10:02PM
-----------------------------
another slow day. i mean, like, not much happened. jill said she thought she'd
switch relgion to Unitarian this summer. i'm sure she has no reason. and somehow
she likes (or claims to) NOFX and the Punk Side Story. And now she wants to
borrow my Urge Overkill CDs. I'm usually pretty open about this but NO FUCKING
WAY! since i was bored, i called allison. That was great. we talked for a little
while, but didn't say anything. no problem. so i wrote a letter -- why do i
always do that? i guess that ends the day on an up note.
the letter
----------
if only you could see my file names. oh, the originality! this fine evening, in
which it didn't storm - maddening me greatly, but that is another story - i
hovered over my phone for minutes. dialing 5, 6, and finally, after intense
minutes of deliberation, 7. i was almost instantaneously greeted by the voice i
wished to hear. what i meant to say in school, and later on the phone, but
somehow knew i would end up doing this anyway, was this: thank you for coming
over monday. i hope you enjoyed yourself. (i could go all crude here and say, 'i
know _i_ did!' but what purpose would it serve?) i hope that tickling you wasn't
'too much'. i hope i hope i hope. when i'm in a band, and forced to describe my
music, i will say, simply, 'cheez-funK!' you'll see. mtv new's: you'll hear it
first, along with 3 million other people. i can talk for hours and not say
anything, right now i'm afraid thats what i'll end up doing. everyone is a
writer. sit down this weekend at your computer, or just a pad of paper - i
recommend a computer - and stare at it. stare until a word comes into your mind.
a word, a phrase, a concept, anything. type or write it. expand expand expand.
you'd be amazed at the stuff you can come up with without actively thinking.
just think and type think and type for eternity. i've actually constructed two
stories that way (the one about the kid calling the phone sex line and the one
about the college kid who kills himself). the other stuff i wrote like that just
turned into deranged rants - each neat in its own way. if you already write,
like keep a diary or something, you know what i mean. can you imagine looking
back on this stuff in ten years? what will we think? will we laugh at our youth?
will we long to return to this supposed innocence? will we accept our young
selves and use it to make a better old self? who knows. but i hope that these
simple words on a computer (and written words elsewhere that you haven't seen -
just because i am too lazy to look around and gather them all up. some lame
poetry, and a rather odd story i started in college algebra last year. if you
truly want to see them, i have fairly good ideas of their locations. 'twould
take but a minute. except that's probably 'twouldn't. oh well.) have as much
meaning to mean in 10, 20, 30 years as they do now. if nothing else, write as a
rememberance. it feels really good to get your feelings out. when you have no
one to share them with, stationary objects listen quite well. and they don't
talk back, either. if you write something, i would like to see it. oh. and
sometimes things will come to you, and sometimes they won't. i often get a
feeling and i just go and sit down and the words flow. back to the original
topic, i guess. i have so much i would like to share with you. there are things
that i actually want to say, and i will, when i can. really. and that makes more
sense than it looks like. really. so, if in all this ranting and raving i
haven't turned you off to the aspect of talking to me, then talk to me - i
certainly will then. (did that make sense? no? it was a joke. lame - yes.)
ackack. anyway. or you could say, 'fuQ oFF krEEp!' but that wouldn't be too
snazzy. finally, i'm like a 7-11: open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (if 7-11
is open 24 hours a day, why do the doors have locks on them?) so, umm, call
anytime. operators are standing by. 654-1648. call now and umm, get free stuff.
january 18th, 1996 -- 10:19PM
-----------------------------
i just realized that a diary is great because it allows -- encourages -- you to
be selfish. so. tomorrow is the con. i am looking forward to it. i hope the
weather holds up through then. i found out my court date today -- in the paper!
corey got his delivered, but no one is home here during the day, so i don't
officially have it. i called allison tonight, just to remind her to bring me CDs
and tapes. She opted to turn it into a conversation. no problem, saved me from
doing the work. for some reason, my mom asked me if i liked allison. i can't
remember her ever asking me that before. i told her, "i think so -- maybe."
vagueness is king here.
what's new, pussycat?
---------------------
wow. i really did it. a second issue. elite. oh, i get auto-ops on #zines now.
*joy*. sorry if some of the diary stuff is confusing. in a somewhat large town,
most of the parents aren't totally original and so many of my friends share
names. so, if someone (i'll call them a character, because, unless you know
them, they're only a character) acts out of character, they may just be someone
else. you dig? okay, well, that's all for the funky llama club #2. my only
future plan is to release issue #13 on friday the 13th. if anyone knows when the
next one is, let me know.
where to get flc and the like:
email: neko@firecraker.com
vmail: 815-229-6586 #1008
newsgroups: alt.etext, alt.ezines, alt.zines, alt.zines.y0lk
irc: #zines (efnet)
ftp: landslide.openix.com /ftp/phorce/flc
(endfile: 9.47.05pm 6.10.96)
