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Flam 38
by lachrymite
Once upon a time there was a boy named Ceiling Fan, and a girl named
Lightswitch. Ceiling Fan was madly in love with Lightswitch, but she
never knew it... she was very popular at school, and though the two were
friends, Ceiling Fan was much too new at the school to ever think he
seriously stood a chance with Lightswitch.
Lightswitch was dating the most popular boy at school, Lawnchair.
Lawnchair was the most handsome, strong, and smart boy in the entire
school. He was also secretly a jerk, but everyone thought he was really
nice, because he was an excellent liar. Lightswitch didn't know it, but
Lawnchair was fooling around with Lightswitch's friend Blender on the
side.
One night, as Lawnchair and Blender were doing naughty things under the
bleachers after a football game, Ceiling Fan happened to be walking by.
He wasn't very interested in football, but the coach would give him a
little money after every game if he cleaned the stands. As he went
about, cleaning, he heard the noises of Lawnchair and Blender going at
it. He looked down at them, and they looked up in shock.
"You better not tell anyone!" Blender shrieked.
"Yeah! If you tell Lightswitch, we'll use our popularity to spread
rumors about you so that everyone hates you!" Lawnchair added.
"It's not right for you to do this to her, you're both horrible!"
Ceiling Fan shouted, before running off.
Ceiling Fan ran all to Lightswitch's house, and knocked on the door.
Lightswitch answered.
"What brings you here at this time, Ceiling Fan?" she inquired.
"I just found Lawnchair and Blender under the bleachers! Lawnchair is
cheating on you with her!" he shouted.
Just then, Lawnchair pulled up in his nice shiny car, with a dozen
roses.
"I brought these for you, sweetie," he said to Lightswitch, giving her
a peck on the cheek. "What's this loser doing here?"
"Ceiling Fan, you're only jealous of Lawnchair! Get out of here right
now, before I call the police, you insane crazy stalker!" Lightswitch
shouted, her heart melted by the roses.
"But, but, but," stammered Ceiling Fan, at a loss for words.
The next day at school, everyone was talking about how Ceiling Fan was
an insane crazy stalker, bent on doing horrible things to poor innocent
little Lightswitch. He was beaten up, had dirt kicked on him, and had
his lunch money stolen. He was pretty darn miserable.
But, as he was walking home, he happened upon Lawnchair's car, parked
by the roadside under the shade of a big tree. No one was in it. He
noticed a path leading off into the woods, and decided to investigate.
He followed it for a short while, and came upon Lawnchair and Blender,
going at it again. This time, however, he was smart. He ran out of
earshot, and used his trusty cellular phone to call up Lightswitch.
"YOU NEED TO COME HERE RIGHT NOW!" screamed Ceiling Fan into the phone.
"What are you talking about, you insane crazy stalker person?!"
demanded Lightswitched.
"Please, just believe me, come to the bend on Spork Road, you need to
see this," he pleaded.
"Fine, but you should know, I'm bringing a shotgun, so don't try to
rape me or anything!"
"Sure, OK, anything, just please come!"
A few minutes later, Lightswitch showed up, shotgun and all.
"Follow me into these woods, and you'll see something you'll probably
be pretty unhappy with..." Ceiling Fan told her.
"Into the woods? Just remember I've got this shotgun, so don't try
anything."
They talked into the woods, and came across Lawnchair and Blender in a
passionate embrace. Lightswitch screamed, took her shotgun, and blew
both their heads off. She then turned to Ceiling Fan.
"It was true, you were really only looking out for my best interests
all along! But, I've done a horrible thing, I can't bear to face you now!"
Lightswitch ran back up the path towards the street, with Ceiling Fan
following close behind.
"Come back, Lightswitch! I love you, it's OK! They deserved it!" he
panted.
She finally stopped when she was back onto the street. "Do you really
mean it?" she asked tearfully.
"Yes! Of course, now come here!" Ceiling Fan said, his arms open to
embrace her.
At this point, as she was running towards him, an 18 wheeler turned
around the bend, and slammed into Lightswitch head on. She was instantly
splattered beyond recognition. Ceiling Fan began screaming incoherently.
Lightswitch's shotgun fell from her now smooshed arms, towards the ground.
Open impacting against the ground, it went off, firing a blast into
Ceiling Fan's face. He was not killed, but the majority of his face was
ripped off. He now has to live forever with his face blown off.
The end.
