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neko's welcome
--------------
hi. this is the first issue of funky llama club. maybe it will be the last. the
purpose of this is basically to just throw a lot of stuff into the open. i
haven't been online for about 8 months, and am just getting back into the
groove. i hope i have a lot to write, but i know that anything i write will not
exactly be appropriate for dto. i plan to throw in a lot of stuff i've written
since last august, as well as some journal entries and other various stuff. if
this appears to be a useless hodgepodge of information to you, you're right. i
*am* just throwing things in here without rhyme or reason. i am also refraining
from editing this stuff. what you see is what i wrote. i don't know if there
will be a flc #2, maybe a one-shot thing will be enough. maybe not. we'll see.
actually - the only reason i am writing this zine is to get on people's auto-op
lists on #zines. i hate not having ops. i am a power hungry motherfucker. okay.
well. enjoy the issue. or don't.
index
-----
01 ... neko's welcome
02 ... girl problems
03 ... january 1st, 1996
04 ... blabber
05 ... january 2nd, 1996
06 ... musical death
07 ... january 3rd, 1996
08 ... wargames story
09 ... january 4th, 1996
10 ... the story to end all stories
11 ... january 5th, 1996
12 ... dream a little dream
13 ... january 6th, 1996
14 ... avail -- 4am friday
15 ... jaunary 7th, 1996
16 ... the spreading of phear in today's society
17 ... january 8th, 1996
18 ... a note
19 ... january 9th, 1996
20 ... a response
girl problems
-------------
(neko's note: i wrote this in february of 1995. it has never been published, but
i want to tell you -- i feel like oj).
December 20, 1994 could have been a happy day for me. It could have been the
start of something ... something wonderful. But no. Now December 20 is etched in
my memory as a shitty day. This story actually starts in September, 1994. School
starts. The girl sitting in front of me in College Algebra is beautiful, smart,
and had a good (or so I thought) personality. Perfect, right? But me, being the
shy geek I am, couldn't talk to her. Over Labor Day weekend, I saw her and I was
with a friend. He told me something humorous about her, and that allowed me to
talk to her the following Monday. Well, after months of dreaming and
fantasizing, I got the courage to "ask her out." Still shy, I did not do this in
the usual way. I dubbed "lovey" songs from my collection of CDs. Maybe some of
the songs were too much (sample lyrics: "You're just the girl of my dreams, but
it seems that my dreams never come true" - Girl Dreams by Beck). Hell, I don't
know. All I know is that she didn't call me on the 20th. Or say anything to me
about my proposal at school on the 21st. Or on the phone that night. Or in *ANY*
of our conversations up until December 26th. Everytime I called her after that
she was always busy doing something. Always promising to call me back. Never
doing so. It is now February 2nd and I am still without an answer. I just wish
I know why I never even got a no. That would be better than the nothing I am
receiving. Did someone tell her she wouldn't be "cool and popular" anymore if
she talked or went out with me? Did she think I was kidding? I'd like to end
this with a big FUCK YOU to all the assholes out there who do shit like this.
They may not realize it, but it hurts. Bad.
january 1st, 1996 -- 12:40AM
----------------------------
happy new year. asked my parents for permission to leave school via letter on
12-30. no mention yet. saw kathleen carroll on 12-27, sent her a letter on
12-29. if it didn't arrive on the 30th, then it won't get there until tomorrow.
(this letter basically said, "hi, i'm lame call me). will i be called? who
knows. spent the last 90+ minutes tying to type in the damned program for
eternity, no luck. megan's party (12-29), by no fault of her own, was the
torture i expected it to be. do i really appear to be all together? i mean, no
one has tried to help me - and i think i might need it. more later.
8:02PM
just another day. nothing out of the ordinary. no phone calls. no visitations.
i'm beginning to question my existence. i had a dream. it was x-mas morning, no
mom + dad. scott + katie each got a dog, katie's had blue hair and eyes,
scott's was shy. i went to cherryvale mall where some group i'm in meets. the
only person i remember recognizing was Jen. ugh. Then I tried calling home frmo
these odd payphones. dialed our number, but got someone else. that's all i
remember.
blabber (11-09-95)
------------------
this is it.
the end of it all.
no more voices.
screaming down the hall.
ringing bells.
in their own little hells.
twisting sisters.
killing blisters.
blithering idiots one and all.
are you ready for the fall.
tear down the wall.
and face your fear.
the evidence is clear.
made in taiwan.
or japan.
it's all the same.
you sold out for fortune and fame.
it's no longer a game.
don't you fucking get it.
january 2nd, 1996 -- 8:05PM
---------------------------
by now, kathleen should've gotten my psycho letter - no phone call, oh well. i
'gave' mom my 'quit school' letter again. she said she'd discuss it with dad at
the right time. If I do leave school, what will become of all the people whose
lives interesect with me at school? will it strengthen or weaken our
relationship. if i leave school, i will have time to learn to program (i hope)
and maybe i can convince Natalie to teach me Russian while she's here. I woke up
at 2:13 AM and haven't really been able to sleep since. Since I go back to
school tomorrow, I feel I should mention that I haven't completed any of the
Xmas break goals i set for myself: read huck ginn, learn trig, learn pascal,
etc. i seem to remember a dream in which i was paranoid of someone following me.
i don't know why.
11:58PM
Started Huck Finn and Shut Up And Let the Lady Teach (Emily Sachar) today. the
latter has kept me up, reading until now. hopefully i can fall asleep now. :)
musical death
-------------
why is it, whenever i get into a band, someone from it has to die? last fall,
just as i started to really listen to my blind melon cds, i turn on the tv one
sunday morning to hear kurt loder say, 'shannon hoon was found dead yesterday..'
i don't remember the rest. i kind of blanked out. there was *so much* musical
talent in that band, and he has to fuck it up with drugs. yesterday, i was on
irc, and joltcola told me the lead singer of sublime (another band i've just
gotten in to) died. i didn't want to believe him. i searched the web. phew. no
news of any death. then, today, my friend tim calls me and tells me he just saw
on mtv news that the singer of sublime was found dead. i was completely stunned.
about the only thing i listen to right now is sublime's _40 oz. to freedom_
album. then i was disappointed. that this guy would let *me* down. let everyone
out there down. then, within a minute, i was over it. just like that. i couldn't
fucking believe the callousness of that.
january 3rd, 1996 -- 7:28PM
---------------------------
dead tired. no sleep recently. went back to school today. i want to leave, but
i'm going to have intense goodbyes for a lot of people. i will miss them. oddly
enough, the highlight of my day was in spanish class, where a girl asked Ms.
Greene how to say marijuana in spanish. mike wanted to know what sort of writing
i wanted for my zine. he couldn't seem to understand that it didn't matter what
he wrote about. sometimes i love my life, other times, i simply abhor it. i
expect some sort of dedication and respect from someone i would truly call a
friend. few people seem willing to give themselves over. maybe i need to change
my approach. one thing i will not miss at school will be lunch. i feel as if i
have nowhere to go. i am completely uncomfortable everywhere.
wargames story (1-16-96)
------------------------
"hey, baby."
"go away, creep."
"umm. the world's gonna end in 10 minutes, i don't want to die a virgin, do
you?"
"well, i guess not...."
"alright! let's GET IT ON!"
"what about condoms?"
"who cares? we'll be dead once we cum!"
but richard was wrong. the world didn't end in 10 minutes. matthew broderick and
ally sheedy saved it.
three months later.
"you bastard! you got me pregnant! i ought to kill you!"
"umm, no. that would suck. bad."
but shirley had stopped caring about richard's feelings long ago. i mean, the
bastard tricked her into fucking him. and without a condom. the world's going to
end. yeah fucking right. she got a knife. a really big one. and shiny, too.
"ohhhh, diiiicck, come here...."
"what....what the fuck??? ahh ahhh ahhhhhhhhh!"
but shirley paid no attention to richard's screams. she cut him up into little
pieces and ate one.
"yummy!" she remarked.
"now its time to take care of this baby..." shirley said, to no one in
particular. she then took the knife and proceeded to cut open her stomach. some
stomach bile fell out, but, more importantly, so did the baby. for a moment, she
marveled at how cute it was, and wanted to save it, but the umbilical cord was
wrapped around it's neck, and choked it to death. oh well.
shirley surveyed the mess she had made. "oh shit! richard's gonna kill me!" she
exclaimed, forgetting.... "oh, wait. dick's dead. haha! motherfucker!" but she
realized she still had to clean the mess up. since her stomach was still hanging
open, she stuffed the dead baby and richard inside her stomach.
january 4th, 1996 -- 10:04PM
----------------------------
dreamt of playing "Punch-Out" in the arcade - with Mike Tyson! also seem to
remember driving around a camp. connection? Illinois State Board of Education
replied to my letter about home schooling. apparently i can't leave school until
i'm 16. bollocks. i can however get out if a parent 'teaches' me. mom said,
"over my dead body." so i have a feeling i'll be in school for 90 more days at
least. no support. maybe i'll be lucky enough to get kicked out! rad! but who
would take me in? and why am i so damned lonely? a girl likes me. why was i
told? what am i expected to do? aaaggghhh. i don't like this kind of situation.
i don't deal with it well. so on one end i want more attention, then i get it
and i don't want it. what is my problem? or what is THEIR problem? over the week
or so preceding thanksgiving, i forged a seemingly promising friendship with
Paula. what has changed? why has it changed? and why wasn't i notified. maybe i
should get out of my life.
the story to end all stories (11-09-95)
---------------------------------------
this is the story to end all stories.
like it or not.
hello, my name is robert d. macmillion.
yes.
i lived an utterly pathetic life.
until that day.
the day it happened.
yes.
ok.
exactly.
it's lonely here and it smells funny.
but i like it anyway.
i think.
or do i?
maybe i really don't and i'm lying to you.
you'd never know, would you?
phallic here, phallic there, phallic symbols everywhere (stolen from kf).
who is keen.
to me?
i hope.
please stop with the cheese.
of your life.
i don't care anymore.
i'll go blind first.
ring ring.
fucking answering machine.
why aren't you home.
why were you a half hour fucking late?
ha.
you thought an apology was enough.
it'd be really neat if someone read this and thought something of it.
or would it.
i don't know anymore.
ha.
they're saying spy world.
but it sounds like spago.
go figure.
six plus one equals seven.
fucking amazing isn't it.
i'm so happy cuz today i shot the fiend running in my head.
is this insanity on paper?
blood.
ink.
semen.
it's all one and the same.
yeah.
i like that.
why don't you call more?
why don't i get an answering machine so you can leave me messages?
why ask why?
try bud dry, motherfucker.
the doctor told me.
he told me i was gone.
fishing.
fuck that shit.
said i.
alabama calls me, man!
or if you don't believe me, ask swillybadilly.
he's the mean old man who lives upstairs.
it's amazing how one-track these people's minds are.
pot pot pot.
plant it.
grow it.
smoke it.
whee whee.
happy happy joy joy.
ren and stimpy had it all.
fucking a.
simplistic.
they love each other.
they hate each other.
but most importantly.
they're content with each other.
humanity.
isn't.
please shut up when you talk to me.
what are you going to do.
kill me?
blob.
that's what you said.
i laughed.
i cried.
i might have died.
so little time left.
you came you went my mind it got a dent (beck).
every day is auburn paraphanalia day! (gs)
is everything always the same?
must it remain that way?
the song remains the same?
that's too bad.
you can't have this.
you can't know this.
you can't feel this.
you can't be me.
no.
i won't let it happen.
it's happening again.
something is taking over.
where are these words coming from?
my mind?
my penis?
my throat?
someone else?
somewhere else?
something else?
helpussaveustakeusaway.
go kamikaze.
it's been canceled.
all over.
game over.
no longer on for tonight.
that's too bad.
that frightens me.
makes me want to cry.
lost time.
it could've been so much.
but we'll never know, will we?
unless.
the game is being played right under our noses.
and we're too blind to smell it.
loop.
fruit.
sample.
feel this cross your back.
feel this on the back of your neck (god is my co-pilot).
you've come a long way, i know.
call collect.
it's cheaper.
this is your brain calling.
wake up.
smell the potatoes.
juxtaposition.
pole position.
sexual position.
greeengo.
go back to your own country.
funny we should bring that up.
like we have any more of a right to be here than they do.
we fucked up.
we can't apologize.
things happen quickly.
time is absorbed.
almost as if it never happened.
you can't believe it.
neither can i.
i can't grasp this concept.
it makes me sad.
makes me want to cry.
makes me want to die.
or am i already gone.
are you scared yet?
i was.
once.
then things changed.
the world was revealed.
beauty.
it happened.
it will happen.
it's happening.
you'll see.
i am the same as you.
go west, young man, go west.
fuck things up out there.
grab a rope.
new york city.
my name is robert d. macmillion.
this was my story.
january 5th, 1996 -- 10:18PM
------------------------------
Odd day. in band, allison said she needed to buy a guy or something like that.
so i said i was for sale -- cheap. 5 bucks plus tax and dinner and a movie.
dinner being popcorn + pop. so she said that me, her, stacy and maybe someone
else would go see a movie. rad, i think. she takes down my number. alas, no
call. maybe tomorrow. then at least i'll have something to do instead of going
to the PIT dinvr it doesn't look as if mom is going to let me go. Lars + some
kid got into a fight this afternoon. i tried, unsuccessfully, to break it up.
lars + the other kid each got one day OSS and some other kid gets arrested for
assault. what bothered me was the idol worship by corey. and, even worse, corey
will tell the story like its his own. arggh. i talked to marilynn (fiend) voice
today, first time ever and first time since august. she seemed helpful on the
questions i asked her but overall sounded like she didn't want to be here. and
she seemed overly serious. i can't believe i watched 3 hours of TV tonight. what
a waste.
dream a little dream
--------------------
i woke up this morning, 6/7/96, and i remembered my dreams. that, in itself, is
weird. what's weirder is that i recognized the people in my dreams, or at least
their representations. weirder still is that i have interpreted a dream. so,
here goes. i am at some sort of convention (judging by the people i know there,
it is a student council convention). the girl i like (god i feel like i'm a
fucking 6 year old when i say that, but i don't know a better word) is there as
well. only there is some other guy hanging around with her. i go over to say hi,
and for some reason, the three of us go back to her hotel room (oh yeah. did i
forget to mention the convention was in a hotel?). the other guy and i are
sitting on the bed while she takes a shower. the hotel room was odd, because the
shower was literally three feet in front of the bed. and it was the kind with
plastic panels which distort the inside. so i'm watching her through the
plastic, when, all of a sudden, somehow the other guy is in the shower with her
(clothes on and all). she laughs and pushes him out. soon, she is done with her
shower and gets dressed and sits down on the bed with us. i seem to remember her
telling me something about how i was the one, and he was only here because it
was like a one night fling deal or something. i nodded that i understood and
things went on. after that, i kind of loose touch with anything that may or may
not have happened in the dream. now, for my interpretation. (i hope i start
early enough to give the proper background information...) i am in key club at
school. key club is the youth division of kiwanis, an international service
organization. so is the aforementioned she. anyhow, the key club convention was
in april -- the same weekend as a church convention i wanted to go to. she asks
me if i am going. i ask her if she is. she says yes, so, i commit myself and say
yes. i think, cool, i get to spend the weekend with her (that was kind of my
requirement for going). so, the weekend of the convention, we ride in the same
seat on the bus, talking about lots of stuff. i really got to know her a whole
lot better. i hung out with her a whole lot once i got there on friday and
saturday. things did get a little strained however. there were three other
people in the hotel room with me. one from my school, two from another school.
one of the guys from the other school was talking to me, and i think he realized
who i 'liked'. he started to talk about how she was the only hot girl from my
school and other stuff like that. he already had a girlfriend, and i'm
reasonably sure he was just doing this to make me mad. however, there was
technically nothing going on between her and me, so i didn't do anything to stop
his onslaught of comments. saturday night, him and me spent most of the late
night in the girl's room (an offense that could get us sent home! oh no!). he
kept doing things that would make me feel jealous. oh, i remember now, i'm
supposed to be explaing this dream to you. so anyway, i am me in the dream, she
is she, and the other kid is the other kid (only he is the only one who isn't
really him. if you've *ever* remembered a dream, you'll know what i mean). in
real life and in the dream, he does 'crazy' things because he knows that he
probably won't ever see her again and that they'll make me mad. gee, that sure
wasn't much of an interpretation. i had a lot more this morning when i was
thinking about it. oh well.
january 6th, 1996 -- 12:04AM on the 7th
---------------------------------------
well, i didn't get to go to the PIT. big surprise. neither allison nor stacy
called. somewhat of a surprise. Kathleen never called me. no big shock there.
oddest thing: apparently matt had some sort of party today / tonight. no invite
for lil ol me. it's odd how i shun most everyone around me, and then i feel
lonely. and the people i don't shun don't seem to pay me explicit notice either
way. so tim and i went to see "NiXoN" insted. long movie, over 3 hours. but it
was fucking excellent. although, i would have rather had allison and stacy as my
dates, but beggars can't be choosers. i do nothing. i have no purpose anymore.
no direction. maybe i'll find something at church. or someone.
avail -- 4am friday
-------------------
one of my favorite cd purchases over the last year was avail's dixie cd. melodic
hardcore punk i could really rock to. so, a few weeks ago when i was at the
record store and saw a new avail cd, i couldn't wait until i had money and could
afford it. well, last night i finally had 10 bucks, and went to the store and
bought it. i was incredibly dissappointed. out of 15 songs, there are maybe only
one or two that rock as hard as all of the songs on dixie. the "cover" song on
4am friday, swing low, sweet chariot, is a complete throwaway. avail could've
taken a traditional folk song and really trashed it; rocking out in their own
style. but they don't. they go acoustic (a punk band going acoustic!?) and play
it in the traditional way. overall, this cd was an incredible disappointment --
i can't stress that too much. look for it sometime soon at the used cd store
nearest you.
january 7th, 1996 -- 10:38PM
----------------------------
had an enjoyable time at church today. i am going to the conference from the
19th-21st. sounds like fun. when Paula saw me sign up, her eyes lit up and she
hugged me. and she said that it's been awhile since we last talked. is this a
cue? dad let me take his record player to my room, so now i've got mucho rad old
tunes. another weekend has passed by with absolutely nothing worthwhile
accomplished. well, maybe a little. my phone woke me up today. i said hello.
nothing. then it rang again. i was still lying down. it was still ringing. silly
me.
the spreading of phear in today's society
-----------------------------------------
or
urge overkill: 11/24/95
ok. urge overkill, if you didn't know is like a really great rock n roll
band. so one day i'm talking to murmur on the phone and i say, 'if urge overkill
is coming to chicago or somewhere near here anytime soon, let me know. i need
tickets.' and so murmur purchased a ticket for me. a few weeks later, murmur
came home from college. i paid him $17 and a batman forever soundtrack valued by
murmur at $2.
a very short time later, november 24th rolls around. the phear is building
up. the show starts at 7:30. cyric and murmur show up at my house at about 4:15.
then we're rolling. we make a quick stop for gas, and pick up various foods and
beverages, then on to our manifest destiny. oh, well, a quick stop to get
cyric's girlfriend and eat dinner at mcdonald's. at said mcdonald's i whipped
out a monopoly game piece to get free small fries. i must say that the clerk,
mohammad, looked surprised, no, shocked to see a monopoly gamepiece.
after downing that yummy mcdonald's food, it's on to chicago. whopee. so we
finally get to the part of chicago we're looking for at about 7:15. traffic
slows to a crawl. we're going to a place called the riveria, and a place called
the aragon ballroom is located very nearby. and the freddy jones band is playing
there. so there was a crowd there for them or something. after passing up all
the pay parking lots, we pulled into a small parking space on the side of a
street. we took our coats off, threw them inside the car and started walking
toward the riveria. some old man walked out of this cafe and told us we should
hide our coats because people break into cars to steal them. so we did. and the
car was not broken into.
some lady outside the riveria was hawking urge t-shirts for only $10. but we
passed them up. this turned out to be a mistake, as they were selling them for
$22 inside. that's more than the damned ticket price! we got in lines to be
patted down, and the nice people at the riveria took murmur's tape recorder. the
one he was going to use to interview urge's drummer, blackie o. but the didn't
take the zine printouts! copies of dto 3, 4, and pong 1 were brought inside.
murmur and i seperated from cyric and his girlfriend, hereafter referred to
as kim, because, well, that's her name. we looked for people fitting the 18-25
demographic, or something like it to spread the phear to. this was all done
while the opening act, the geraldine fibbers, were playing. it was pretty k-rad
because we saw people actually reading them. we got rid of all of the zines we
brought with us. murmur introduced us as being from dto productions and one girl
asked if we 'got them to play here.'
after the fibbers set ended, murmur and i fought our way to be very close to
the stage. we got to about the equivalent of the third row, had there been
seats. we chilled. talked. about k0dez, war3z, and friends who stole things. a
somewhat cute girl talked to us. we told her about dto and how sorry we were
that we ran out and couldn't give her one, but we would give her our e-mail
address so she could get one. she said she didn't have a computer. so murmur
said that he'd buy her one if he won the lottery. the geeky guy she was with
turned out to be some d00der named 'weakness' who claimed to run a 4 node, 12
gig 31337 war3z board. oh well. we told the girl to phear mogel, and she said
she thought she'd heard that name before. so she was, umm, rad.
urge overkill finally took the stage. yay. they opened with 'positive
bleeding' and the crowd up front immediately turned into a frenzied
slamdancemoshpitorama. only problem: we were packed in like sardines. this, of
course, meant that you were either pushing someone or being pushed by someone.
murmur and i were seperated, but then i saw him crowd surfing. this was against
his wishes, i later found out. when people would surf too close to the stage,
the riviera's security d00ds would push them back and, it looked like to me,
tried to push them down. they got really pissed at one guy and i think they
pulled him over.
unfortunately, the show eventually ended. by this time there were 2 squashed
people seperating me from the stage. not knowing where anyone else was, i stayed
put. some roadies came out and i got a guitar pick! woo-hoo. the security
people, after no more than 10 minutes after urge overkill said goodbye, were
really trying hard to get us to leave. we just wanted to get free stuff, talk to
the band, and give them a copy of pong. sheesh. on the way out, murmur asked a
guy in the sound booth if the band would do an interview for a fanzine. he said
no and that they were probably going to get drunk. but he's british, so what
does he know. then murmur gave him pong and gave him explicit instructions to
give it to the band.
but the adventure did not stop when the music stopped. oh no! we then
crammed into the entrance/exit so we could buy overpriced t-shirts. the people
at the riveria really wanted people to get out of there. so we finally left. i
gave a homeless guy 64 cents, my change from eating at mcdonald's. as we walked
back to the car, i pointed out a wall of urge overkill posters to murmur. i then
suggested that we try to pull one down. this did not work very well, and we only
succeeded in tearing the posters. then we talked to the people walking in front
of us, and walked past a minivan with the right front window broken out. they
must've left their coats in it.
and then we were ready to leave the mecca that is chicago. we drove out of
town and made a pit stop around midnight at a denny's in lombard. murmur started
writing dto advertisements on napkins. he then walked around and tried handing
them out. after one such escapade in which two girls asked if we'd followed them
from the show, i suggested we go to the car and bring them warez! murmur liked
the idea and we presented people in the denny's with issues of pong (dto was all
gone by this time) until the nice lady working at denny's told me that it was
soliciting and that was bad. oh well. our final stop, after dropping kim off,
was a clark station. there was not a soul there, save for the attendant. i
thought he looked bored and lonely, so i gave him the gift of pong. he looked
bewildered, in much the same mannerism as the mcdonald's clerk. he then asked
what it was. i told him it was a zine, and we left.
and this, my friend, was the end of an evening filled with incredible stuff.
january 8th, 1996 -- 9:57PM
---------------------------
Kyla hugged me when i told her i was going to st. louis. mya seemed indifferent.
what's the big deal? i need an answering machine. dreamt that i was talking to
Paula, but i couldn't have been, because it was after she was allowed to talk on
the phone. i also dreamt that we were driving west and we stopped somewhere and
walked along an overpass and fell off into a city. Tim Yo (MRR) somehow picked
me up and drove me back the way i'd come. on the way back, there was like a
fence. on the other side was a minivan w/ people looking dumbfounded. on the way
there, we drove around them. tim rammed them. what a cool guy. i don't like this
punk comp scott bought.
a note
------
done with the test. 15 minutes left. nothing to do except write. so here goes. i
think i just aced that history test. no. ha-ha. the fun of all of this has
faded. i've lived for my friends, but i am no longer sure that's worth it
anymore. don't mean to sound suicidal if i do. tom just kicked mike holstein
twice. "he kicked me first". so that makes it ok. there's got to be something
else...Something worth living for. i feel like any potential i may have is being
squashed here in school. when i turn 16, i want to dropout and teach myself. if
everyone did that, it would be SOO rad. not only would we have time for
ourselves, we'd have time for each other. blind melon was a fucking GREAT band.
and they didn't get the kobain treatment. Mr. Chahin stands in front of the
class looking like a solemn avalance (stolen from pavement). music, literature,
movies, drama, art. the arts are all that'll last. so you made a million bucks.
who cares. it won't last. the arts will last forever. but we aren't given the
chance to make an impression. history is a good place to write. it's now
lunchtime. i'm outside. somewht enjoying the weather. I had to go outside. They
were making me sick inside. There have to be other people who are fed up. others
who've noticed this circle of trendiness. can the clique be stopped? what is the
point of "HACKING"? i never quite understood it. I think i'll go back inside
now. there must be an escape somewhere. these people are self-destructive. they
WILL bring you down. but only if you let them. observation is my newfound
passion. they're not even TRYiNG to include me. Judging by the content of their
"discussion" i don't want to be, but still. emily just asked me if i was having
fun. i shook my head no, and she laughed. did she think i was making this up?
how could these people fuck up a perfectly good murder story?
fuckfuCkfucK
English now. Mike asked me to make a donation for the new volume. i told him i
wasn't interested. he looked and sounded hurt. harpee harpee. joy joy. They say
time flies when you're having fun. Apparently, the exact opposite is true as
well. you left. i thought. should i follow. i decided against it. so i finished
my lunch and started looking for you. I looked outside. (Emily just told us we
could get suspended for bringing a bag of oregano to school). I walked outside
the school, heading for the industrial hallway once because you took me there
once. you weren't their either. so i wandered the halls and looked outside
again. Still nothing. so here I am. Now. what happened? was it me? Dominic?
Everyone? No one? Every thing? Nothing at all? <sigh> and where did you go?
january 9th, 1996 -- 10:36PM
----------------------------
my dreams were too fucked up for me to write down. Talked to Phil ... he's going
to send me a Zine Disk to distribute at Auburn and / or in St. Louis. i want to
renew my relationship with Paula, but I don't seem to be able to. something
stops me. first day of finals is tomorrow and i haven't studied. preparation
rules! this means it's been about a year since my first / last sexual experience
(not SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, FOOL!) i find myself drawn back to it all the time. it
really crushed me to have to deal with the fact that it meant nothing to the
other involved party afterward. i think i might be really depressed. so, going
back to my old philosophy of, "if it sucks, change it" i need to figure out who
/ what is causing this depression and how i can stop it. i think dropping out
would help me tremendously, but mom seems to go against it adamantly. "you've
been a dropout ever since you've been 17" - urge overkill. maybe if i'm lucky, i
can change that to 15. hell, even 16 would be ok.
a response
----------
I appreciate very much that you did not follow me. Even though it would have
meant only that you'd end up standing in the doorway to the History room,
waiting for Mr. Chahin for about 2 mins. if I had left to be by myself, I
would've wanted some time by myself. logic.
I have decided to try to let go of Lars. I don't know if I can, because I love
him very much. But he just hurts me over and over and its not good on the heart,
you know? Also, since his parents are going to court to battle out the custody
thing, and his dad might be using Lars' weed problem as a reason for him not to
move with his mom, I don't think I want to be in any way connected with
law-breaking, even on a juvenile level. which reminds me that I still have a
certain disk sitting at the bottom of my underwear drawer. I found it the other
day when I was putting away my clothes, it was sort of shocking, then I
remembered what it was. No need to worry! All it is is plastic & metal.
So, if I ever go blank on you, just disregard it. I'm not trying to be rude.
It's just that I get pretty numb sometimes when I remember how depressing my
life is. (Don't expect to know why, I hope I never tell you.) And probably ever
since the beginning of 9th grade my heart's been breaking little by little.
Nothing new.
I hope we can stay friends on an intellectual level, never spiritual, never
physical, never emotional. I really can't handle anything more than a sincerely
mental relationship. I don't have good experiences with love.
Sorry, maybe I'm just weak. Don't bring it up, please. Never.
Paula
-----
well, folks, i guess that's it. i don't know where i stand, where i stood, or
where i will be standing. please email me at neko@firecraker.com with all
questions, comments, insults, and whatnot. i will email you the next issue, if
there is one. i think i will also post this on the alt.zines newsgroups and i am
usually on #zines on efnet irc. if anyone else knows of other good distribution
methods for an etext zine, let me know. if you want anything from me, like a
real name, real address, background on a 'story' presented here, again, email
me. i hope to hear from you soon.
