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Flodis Issue 02
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.-------------------------------------------------.
| flodis - flowers of disturbance - #1 - 13.07.99 |
`-------------------------------------------------'
-- the zine for tasha & anjee --
=-=-0\=-\=-\=-\=-0\=-0\-0\0=-\=0\=-
this issue is called "three emails to my girlfriend after we had a troubled
chat via icq, which was the first troubled chat i've really ever had with a
girlfriend, and i had this troubled chat because my girlfriend is troubled
because she had a bad relationship with her ex-boyfriend, and that whole
mess lasted 5 years, so she's screwed up for life, but i still like her,
and she's really neat and nice and good for me except for all of her
insanities".
\=-\=-\=-\=-0\=0\=0\=-0\=0\=0\=-\=-\=-\=-\=-\=-\=-\=-0\=-0\=-0
having a chat like we just did is like binge drinking. it feels really good
while you're doing it, and a while afterwards, but after you've slept on
it, you feel like shit.
but there's nothing i can do about that.
i don't know why i push you.
i don't think i am.
i could be without realizing it, and that could be due to past trauma.
i don't know what i would be pushing you to do. i'm not pushing you for sex
and i'm not pushing you to get married.
for things to just happen in a relationship, one person has to do something.
we aren't marionettes. in order for a step to be taken, one person has to
take it. and i guess i feel i'm the one who has taken all the steps.
we've gotten this far, and i guess i felt like we should go farther. see?
i said the word "felt". i'm not reading a book telling me what to do. i'm
going by my feelings. my feelings tell me that i should kiss you. or that
i should say something to you. so i do. i follow my feelings. and you
respond without negativity, so i think everything's ok. but then i get
home and get an email about how i'm pushing you too much.
oh well. i like you a lot. i love you. and i'm holding out the world to
you, with open hands. my world. apparently you don't want to accept it.
i can either stand still for months, arms outstretched, until they get so
tired that they fall, or i can decide that it's been long enough and i
should just drop 'em, withdraw my offer.
i'm sorry that we've had to talk about so many things in email. i'm sorry
that there have been so many kinks. i presented you my world and you
presented me your problems.
there are only two things i could do.
[1] we could break up, and i would miss you a lot and be unhappy. i feel
like you would be a hell of a lot happier if this happened.
[2] i could completely ignore my feelings, and just be whatever you wanted
me to be, and be anxious and subdued.
but there's one thing you could do.
[1] accept my feelings for what they are, let me have them, maybe try them
on for size, see if they fit, and if they don't, warn me.
but you pride yourself in your inability to bend, which is a horrible trait,
and one that is not necessary, and one that you would probably live a
better life without.
before you tell me to STOP TELLING YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, i think you
just need to HEAR ME OUT, and ACCEPT MY OPINIONS, because supposedly you
are OPEN-MINDED, and supposedly I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND, so supposedly YOU ARE
SUPPOSED TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. maybe it FUCKING SCARES YOU because
maybe I'M FUCKING RIGHT AND YOU DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT. well then don't
be a fucking hypocrite, don't have an open mind to one idea and then a
closed mind to another simply because it's not what you want to hear. an
open mind hears EVERYTHING, whether it likes it or not. it doesn't have to
agree with it, but it HEARS IT.
and maybe i'm WRONG, in which case you can tell me WHY my opinion of what
you should do is wrong, and i can learn from it.
the following is a situation involving me telling you about my feelings, and
you brushing them away with a swipe of your hand because you're scared to
admit that i could be right, which scares you because it doesn't fit into
your world view:
me: "i think you need to allow your feelings for me to show."
you: "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE."
here's another situation:
my brain: "look at your beautiful girlfriend. you love her. kiss her."
me: <kiss niki>
your brain: "he just kissed you. he likes you. you should kiss him back."
you: <slaps brain>
your brain: "sorry, didn't mean to think that. please forgive me."
ok, so *maybe* that's not what really happens.
sorry, i'm embellishing.
here's a situation that could happen, if things were happy in tim-land:
me: "i think you need to allow your feelings for me to show. that would
make me a happier person."
you: "perhaps you are right. i can work at that. maybe you need to gain
my trust more."
me: "what can i do to gain your trust more?"
you: <lists off things i could do to gain your trust>
me: "hey, i can certainly try to do that." <kiss niki>
you: <kiss tim>
here's a really really bad situation:
you: <says something wonderful>
me: <begins to fall in love>
you: <says something wonderful>
me: <continues to fall in love>
you: <says something wonderful>
me: <falls in love, tells you>
you: <falls in love, ignores it, moves away>
me: <becomes unhappy>
you: <ignores true unhappiness>
you say you don't understand what i want from you. well that ain't half of
it, honey. i don't know what i've done RIGHT to keep you with me. it
seems like everything i want to give you, you don't want. it seems like
you don't want to give me ANYTHING, and i accept it. we are weird.
maybe dating elisha taught me not to show my feelings, and maybe dating
julia taught me to pull feelings out of the other person, while showing my
own. it's all so twisted.
but anyway. this is so silly. this is the first time i've had to talk so
much about the actual process of dating with the person i'm dating. this
is the first time there's ever actually been shit that needs to be worked
out. do we work this out, or do we end it? something brought us together
in the first place, and i don't want to argue with the powers-that-be.
time heals all wounds, apparently i can't, but time isn't on our side,
because you're leaving on a jet plane. to quote songs.
the way i see it is that we're really good, but we're rocky.
and i don't feel that it's my fault that we're rocky.
no offense.
maybe you thrive on conflict.
i don't. i wonder why conflict exists.
you are so used to having conflict.
i'm not.
you are a business person and i am a country boy. you make time for making
money and work at that a lot and i sit and farm around and think and you
have no time for love, doctor jones, while i'm rarin' to go all day. and
you can't focus on love because you've been burned too many times but the
only burn i've had was from the sun. as i'm tilling my fields. fields of
corn which i'll feed to the cows to keep them alive because they're
important to me, they're what provide my method of living, they're my means
of survival. like chickens. they give me eggs for food and they get
cooked so i can eat them too.
ÕÕª .-.
»ÕÕÕº ª »ÕÕÕÕº Õª ÕÕÕÕÕÕÕª | | this was an
Õª ÕÕ | | honestly bad
»ÕÕÕº ÕÕÕÕÕ | | time-waster
»ÕÕÕÕÕÕÕº | | email-box
ÕÕÕÕÕª ÕÕª »»» | | filler
»º »ÕÕÕÕÕº »»ÕÕºÕº »ÕÕÕÕ»Õº »ÕÕº »»ÕÕÕÕÕÕÕº | | from
.----------------------------------------------------------| | trilobyte
`----------------------------------------------------------`-'
flodis / flowers of disruption #2 / 15.07.99 / trilobyte@hoe.nu
tell your friends to kill their minds with flodis
