Durex Blender Corporation 024

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Durex Blender Corporation

 · 5 years ago

  

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E  ||==//  \\==// ||   \\ ||==|| ||   ||         #024-RT07 -- [05/24/91] 
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                        Free Cable Channels: How & Now 
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                                by Random Tox 
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     It's late at night, the lights are out and the dull white and black 
 static of the television dances on the screen. Phredd sits and grimly watches 
 the meaningless, squiggling patterns. This is the channel where Cinemax 
 *should* be, but due to Phredd's thin and worn wallet, he must do with white 
 noise. 
     Later in the month, Phredd stays home from work and ignores his lithe, 
 attractive girlfriend's pleas. He rushes to the television, leaving a 
 spiralling trail of popcorn and cookie crumbs behind him. He is ready for the 
 most incredible adventure of the year... his short period of *free* Cinemax, 
 Disney Channel, HBO and The Movie Channel! He sits on the edge of his seat, 
 watching Dumbo and Stallone... and when the week-end is over, he is reduced 
 to a red-eyed static zombie once more. 
     "Aha," you murmur, "This sad tale of woe has been repeated many times 
 over, and as I am neither rich nor an electronics genius, I cannot get free 
 cable pay channels like HBO." But let us go back to poor Phredd's 
 predicament.  His nerves are frayed, as poor Phredd knows that tonight is his 
 last night of movie enjoyment. Then, from the clinging shadows of night, 
 Doktor Tox steps forth and tips his black hat. 
     Phredd stumbles backwards and gasps in amazement, "I th-thought I locked 
 the door!" 
     "I entered via the window, eh wot?" Random mumbles, some sort of gummi 
 candy peering from between his lips. He stands beside Phredd's cable box 
 after a few quick strides, and roughly yanks the lovingly attached cable in 
 the back, plucking it free. 
     "Aiiieeee! Schwarzenegger is gone! What have you done???" Phredd springs 
 from the sofa, bruising his fragile skull and damaging the ceiling. "My 
 cable!  My life!" he moans. 
     "Shut up and listen. When the cable company computers decide to give you 
 a channel for free, they send a code to you via your cable, switching the 
 channel 'on'. Thus it remains for a given duration, and when the time's 
 up...." 
     "No more Cinemax... <weep>" 
     Random leans against a plant, "When time's up, they send another signal 
 to your box, shutting the channel 'off'. However, if your cable box is 
 disconnected for a few days, the 'off' signal never reaches it and the 
 channel remains 'on'!" He smiles. "And you don't pay a thing." 
     Phredd's bleary eyes gaze upwards in wonder at Tox. "Y-y-you mean... I 
 get the Disney Channel, FOR FREE??" Random nods with a grin. "Wow! I shall 
 never be sad again! no more late-night eyestrain! I can't believe it... " 
     "Keep calm, Phredd." 
     "How can I ever repay you?" a vibrant Phredd asks. 
     "Just spread the word of "Bob". You just received a major imbuement of 
 slack. Enjoy." Doktor Tox wriggles back out the window, then turns. "However, 
 you must remember that in some areas, the cable service has been updated, and 
 this trick will not work. However, there is the traditional blakc box, which 
 is cheap if you build it yourself, or expensive if you're a moron and must 
 buy one. If this doesn't work, too bad. It's not my fault. Call up your local 
 cable company and complain." Random disappears soundlessly into the night. 
     Phredd leans back in his chair, relaxed and confident and watches the 
 blank screen of the television as he waits for morning. A new morning in his 
 new world of cable. Free cable. 

             [This is a recycled T-File! - Recycle Yours Today] 
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(C)1991 by The Durex Blender Corporation & Random Tox 
All Rights Available at the Door. No Reservations. 

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