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Doomed to Obscurity Special 02
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+ doomed to obscurity + special number two + december 6th, 1995 +
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+ the 'what the fuck?!@' collection +
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"intro"
by - mogel
making our tradition of pointless special issues of dto a reality,
we bring you three incredible confusing writings. i'd like to personally
comment that the sanity of each of the writers does come into question here.
we're not going to deal with that here, no sir. we just put 'em out.
yepyep!@
in here you'll find a dto group meeting, dead cheese's entire
consciousness, and murmur and shadow tao's inside-joke-o-rama-census. what
you're reading exists in special issue 'cause both large files in here were
too big for articles in dto, but a litle t0o much to just throw away.
so enjoy, if you can.
1 - tlorah returns
by - mogel
2 - dead cheese's philosophical compendium of the universe (and all
contents therein)
by - dead cheese
3 - dto.illinois: on the road
by - shadow tao and murmur
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"tlorah returns"
by - mogel
it came from the past. the battle had lasted hours that day. three
members of dto fought with the computer over the course of several hours.
that was the day the called 'dummercon'. three of dto's valiant m0dem
warriors were scarred that day by the evil computer of pure anark3y.
TLORAH. the land of rape and honey. murmur, rattle, and dead cheese would
forever remember the powerful slices inflicted upon them by the beast. they
all thought the nightmare was over.
they had no idea.
five days after dummercon, tlorah, the computer monstrosity,
seemingly wrecked to utter uselessness, regenerated itself and climbed out
of the metal trashcan that the modem geeksters had left him to die in. he
wasn't happy. he needed his revenge, but first, he needed his warez.
while this was all taking place, various members of dto were gathered
at their headquarters having a meeting. oh, how there were in for a
surprise!
[gathered in the meeting room we find black francis, mogel, murmur,
eerie, shadow tao, dead cheese, rattle, fake scorpion, morpheus, edicius,
james hetfield, and sed.]
frannie: "pass the donuts."
mogel: "okay, okay. get this - how about someone writes a text file
about a fat lady that dies!@# ha ha@!# get it?!@# she's FAT &
she DIES!@#@! funny!@???"
edi: "that's not funny."
dcheese: "hey! i have a good ide--"
rattle: "--SO, LIKE, THE OTHER DAY I WAS WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND I
CAME UPON BIG GEEK. YEAH. SO I SAID 'HEY YOU BIG GEEK.' THE
GEEK LOOKED AT ME. I LOOKED AT THE GEEK. HE SAID 'J0EMAMA.' I
SAID 'HEY MAN, THAT'S MY FUCKING M0MMA!'"
ratz m0m: "call me your fucking mom again and i won't be!"
sed: "we should write a text file about being punk."
eerie: "aye goyz, iv bun thinkin', eh? whot 'zatly iz da puh-pus ov
doin' uh file full ov insie joex, eh?"
all: "what?!@#?@!#?"
fake sc: "..."
jamesy: "holy shit! i've been instilled with graphoooooooooooo-mania!@"
sed: "hey! graphomaniacs? that sounds like a great name for an
e'zine! we're just cray-zee about writing@!#"
tao: "wait! this conversation is following no structure whatsoever!"
murmur: "man, if the readers are lost from this file, wait till they get
to 'illinois: on the road.'"
[suddenly the wall of dto hq rips open and everyone sees tlorah,
which has grown a new body, which strangely resembles a naked pamela
anderson. edicius faints.]
all: "w0ah."
crank: (appearing out of no where) "they're fake!"
tlorah: "m0ohahaha. greetings dto. i'm tlorah's spirit. you DARED to
FUCK with me at dummercon. you just couldn't leave my dead shell
body alone, HUH?! and look! this t-file is stupid! you have
committed great blashphemy with my k-rad name. you will
perish!@# especially you, rattle!#!@ i gave you all my love and
you threw me away like oh-so-much dirt!@# feel the breast of my
anger!#!"
rattle: "okay!"
tlorah: "er, that came out wrong. diediediediediedideidediedwiejrw!!@#!"
[tlorah's mouth opens and thousands upon hundreds of bubbles begin
pouring out of her mouth. rattle is awe-struck!]
rattle: bubbles!%#^ n0!@#!@# get away!#!@# ahH#!#!@#!
[the bubbles devour poor rattle.]
tlorah: "buhahaha!@#!@!"
m0rph: "that was pretty elyte."
tlorah: "d1e!@#!!!1"
[suddenly warez-bats appear from every direction with big pointy
fangs!]
murmur: "ahh!#@!@ bats!@#!@ lookout!#!"
inutao: "thank you, captain obvious."
erikb: "oh! one of those disks has c-master! get it!"
fake sco: "..."
bats: "0-day or no day!"
murmur: "whatdowedo?!@#??"
frannie: "holy shit. this file has just gotten too stupid to continue."
all: "agreed."
frannie: "uh, okay. so we win. tlorah is dead again. shut up."
...and so the mighty doomed to obscurity team beats out the dark
forces of warez once again in a battle for who's on top.
edi: "on top!@#!@ ha ha!@# i get it!@#"
[the end]
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+ dead cheese's +
+ philosophical compendium +
+ of the universe +
+ (and all contents therein) +
-chapter 1-
i think there's aliens, god, and little purple-skinned dwarves who
live in the center of the earth. the males bear a striking resemblance to
bill clinton.
-chapter 2-
if aliens came to earth, they wouldn't like us very much because we
would want elvis back and they would want to keep him.
-chapter 3-
sometimes i wonder where the colors of foods go. they must still be
in our bodies because all that ever comes out is yellow and brown. so, why
don't we change color with all those colors in our bodies? i think it's
because aliens come down and suck all the colors out with a zenon beam.
they use it to dye their pet blaknids' fur.
-chapter 4-
why do people come in different colors? i think it's because the
aliens don't like to dye their blaknids' fur red, yellow, black, and brown.
people usually come in plain white, but aliens use the extra dye to color
some people in their sleep. they like purple but it clashes with the
jackflurgs so they use it to color the dwarves.
-chapter 5-
why do beans give us gas? i think it's because little wind spirits
live in the beans. when you bite on the bean, you break it and that's where
the phrase "break wind" comes from. the wind spirit doesn't like being
bitten so he makes wind and it comes out your butt.
-chapter 6-
why don't animals talk? i think it's just a clever pretense designed
to deceive us humans. they want to make us think they're not as smart as us
so they can take over the world and enslave us someday. they've formed an
organization called uar (united animals for rebellion) and they're silently
plotting against us. i think aliens are involved too.
-chapter 7-
what is the meaning of life? jellybeans. jellybeans answer
everything. without jellybeans there would be no life. after all, what's
life without jellybeans?
-chapter 8-
is there a god? i think so. god is chilly-willy from the woody
woodpecker cartoons and the devil is barney the purple dinosaur. i hate
barney.
-chapter 9-
i think we should be careful of the chickens. they're very, very
bad. they want to take all of our jellybeans. i think we should guard the
jellybeans with our lives. i guess we could give them the black ones
though. i don't like the black ones.
-chapter 10-
i think...aw screw it. i'm gonna get a doughnut.
-chapter 11-
why did the dinosaurs die off? i think they drank too much beer.
they got drunk and started consorting with the chickens. the chickens stole
their jellybeans. the dinosaurs couldn't live without their jellybeans so
they drank all their beer and beat each other over the head with frozen
herrings until they were all dead. except the last one. he died because he
ate a piece of moldy cheese and got sick. herrings smell bad.
-chapter 12-
how does a television work? i've always wondered this and i think i
finally figured it out. the networks (abc, nbc, cbs, etc.) travel to
walla-wildaburg and capture the people who live there. walla-wildaburgians
are very small (1/2 inch to 3 feet) in height. most are talented actors and
singers. some are reporters like tom brokaw who was born in walla-
-wildafuss. on the other hand, they may just be aliens who live in our tvs.
-chapter 13-
do those dwarves really exist or did i just make them up? they
really do exist. i spent a week with them in the ground below france. i
mentioned before that the males look like bill clinton. this is true but i
forgot to mention that half the females look like delta burke and the other
half look like roseanne barr-arnold-blah. in their society the women don't
wear clothes. as you can imagine, considering what the women look like, i
was very frightened by this.
contrary to what they look like, they males don't play the saxophone.
they play the french horn. this also frightened me. you'd be scared too if
thousands of purple bills started to toot at you. this was too much for me
and i left after a week. they want me to come back but i am scheduled to
visit the elves soon.
-chapter 14-
how do....darn it! why do these damn monkeys keep knocking on my
window?! bang! bang! take that you crazy bastards!
-chapter 15-
how do my friends and other people get inside my phone to talk to me?
i asked a lady from church who was calling to tell me when the church picnic
was. she said i was crazy and that i wouldn't get into heaven because of my
sins. i don't remember doing anything bad, so i called up assassins from
hell and told them to go to her house and burn it down. is that wrong?
-chapter 16-
yesterday when i was eating that doughnut (chapter 10) i started to
choke on it. mr. mosimity jumped out of my nose and performed the heimlich
maneuver in time, but it just makes me think how close i was to dying. then
again, that is mr. mosimity's job. if he hadn't saved me in time and i
died, i'd probably sue him.
-chapter 17-
don't you hate when the cheese starts talking to you? i do. i can't
stand it when food talks to me. it's unnerving.
-chapter 18-
where does artificial leather come from? artificial cows? i think
so. the cows come from a lab in houston, texas. i don't know how the
scientists make them, but i think it's wrong. damn them. damn them all.
-chapter 19-
some of you may have been wondering, are chickens really trying to
steal the world's jellybeans? yes, as a matter of fact i had a strange
experience at my uncle's farm last week. it happened like this:
as i was walking by my uncle's horse barn, a chicken came over and
proceeded to talk to me. as you can imagine i was very frightened because i
thought he was going to take my jellybeans. however, the more i listened to
mr. chicken (he didn't have a name so that's what i called him) the more it
seemed to me that all he wanted to do was talk. we talked about politics,
art, frank perdue: man or chicken wanna-be, books, movies, religion, the
long island lolita, and many other interesting subjects. i began to think
maybe we can all live together peacefully in this world! if mr. chicken and
i could get along so well, anybody could! that is until he asked whether i
had any jellybeans on me. i looked into his eyesand saw what i had missed
in is speech: a passion for jellybeans. i screamed and ran into the barn
but that didn't stop him. oh no, he wanted my precious jellybeans!
fortunately, my uncle heard me scream in terror and shot the devious
mr. chicken in the neck with his high-powered, fully-loaded turkey musket.
we ate mr. chicken that night. he was tasty, but certainly not as tasty as
jellybeans! jellybeans are deeeeeeeelicious!
-chapter 20-
yesterday, i intercepted a handwritten note from general aardvark of
the uar to smilin' sam of sam's sassafras shop. it went as follows:
dear sam,
we are awaiting those supplied you promised us. we can't hold out
much longer on uncle ed's special burgers. they're giving the troops
indigestion. if you fail to deliver those supplies on schedule we will come
to your house and poop on your carpet.
your fellow conspirator,
general aardvark
u.a.r.
i assure you, my fellow humans, smilin' sam will pay. i will poop on
his carpet myself if i have to.
-chapter 21-
dead cheese's "ode to muffins" (sung to the tune of the barney theme
song):
i love muffins, they love me.
we live in a bakery.
with dough in a pan at 3-hundred degrees.
i like muffins with lots of cheese.
-chapter 22-
last year a magical monkey visited me. he wanted to know where king
cuddles' boogers were. apparently he thought i had stolen them.
"what would i want with your king's boogers?" i asked him.
"what?! everyone knows they're magical! one could conjure moldy
cheese out of thin air with his boogers!" he replied incredulously.
"well, i don't have them. now if you don't mind i'd like to get some
sleep," i said.
"okay i'll leave, but if i find out that you've got the king's
boogers i'll come back for you. and you know what i'll do then? i'll
widdle on your foot!"
so he left. to this day i don't know who stole the king's boogers,
but i have noticed an abundance of cheese in my neighbor, mr. mack daddy's,
basement.
-interim note-
i'm terribly sorry to get off track for the past two chapters, but a
chicken sneaked into my bedroom in the middle of the night and stole my
jellybeans. i was quite distressed and i couldn't think straight (until i
got new jellybeans), but i'm okay now so let's carry on, shall we?
-chapter 23-
why are the controllers for the pointer on a computer screen called
"mice?" i think it's because they're really artificial, plastic mice that
have been created by evil scientists to take over the world. as soon as
there are enough of them in our homes and offices, the mad scientists are
going to send out the signal that will change the controller "mice" into
thinking mice that will be able to cause destruction in the world around us.
these mice will eat our cheese! then what will we do?! i'll tell you what
we'll do! we'll go mad! mad, i tell you! aaah, ha ha ha! where's that
damn monkey?
-chapter 24-
how did the world get started? people may never know, but here's my
version:
the creation of earth
by: dead cheese
in the beginning, there was nothing. nothing, but for a wheel of
moldy cheddar drifting about in space. over eons nothing changed.
but suddenly, the cheese exploded and out came seven jellybeans of
extraordinary size. they were all different colors and flavors: red
(cherry), white (mystery flavor), yellow (lemon), purple (maybe grape, but
i'm not sure), green (lime), orange (orange-flavored, not monkey-flavored as
i once thought), black (black licorice - yeach!). each bean formed a
planet: red - mars, white - venus, yellow - saturn, purple - neptune,
green - earth, orange - jupiter, black - uranus<hehe> (red later split to
form mercury, purple later split to form pluto).
the green jellybean was so lonely it made little beanlings to keep it
company. these beanlings gradually evolved into the animals, plants, and
humans that now inhabit the earth.
-=the end=-
you can now see why jellybeans are so vital to our existence. guard
your beanz with your life. you wouldn't want to go through the torment of
being beanless like i did yesterday.
-chapter 25-
"no! no! get off! aaaaaagh! damned monkeys!"
bang!
"take that! no! get away! my jellybeans! give them back! you've
got your own jellybeans! those are mine! here, have a banana!"
chomp. boom!
"ha ha ha ha ha! exploding banana! gets 'em every time! damned
monkeys."
-chapter 26-
a few years ago, a question was raised: where's the beef? no one
has been able to answer this question.... until now.
the beef is in another dimension. a baby universe, if you will.
within this dimension live the muffins. the muffins, because of a food
shortage, were looking for alternate food sources in the our universe when
they came upon earth. what they found was a high abundance of greasy meat.
this was perfect for the muffins since they require a high content in their
diet (muffins are naturally low in saturated fat). they secretly invaded
the fast food restaurants and beef storehouses that are abundant in america
and stole all the greasy burgers they could find. the muffins took the
stolen meat to their home world and fed it to the muffin children.
this has satisfied the muffins for a time, but king bran may require
his people to go out and collect food once again. we'll be ready for them
then.
-chapter 27-
why are people so darn violent? i think it's because we had to be
violent just to survive in neanderthal times. we had to hunt and kill for
food. today people don't need to be violent anymore because we raise
animals on farms for meat.
just the other day a guy came up to me and challenged me to a fight.
i accepted so as not to look like a wuss. it didn't last long, though. i
had just held up my plastic sword and shouted, "by the power of greyskull, i
am he-man!" when he got this horrified look on his face and ran off. i
guess my beanz were too much for him. or maybe it was because my pants fell
down when i raised my sword, exposing my tattoo of bob dole.
anyway. i think people should be nicer to each other. but not with
the chickens, of course. kill them. kill them all. darn those chickens
and their evil ways!
-chapter 28-
dead cheese's special proverbs
-the day the butter flew, the sheep took to the hills.
-one man's cold buckets is another man's warm undies.
-if boogers ruled the world, we'd all be hairless bugs.
-a chicken 'tween the toes is worth two monkeys with hammers.
-if life gives you old milk, make cheese. (damn, i'm smooth.)
-don't faint over rotten grapes.
-mooses and meeses relate not to geeses.
-machination stations are the life of the party.
-chapter 29-
is there life after death? we may never be sure. to try to find
out, i talked to mabel the cow who claims to have died and been brought back
to life. she says that the afterlife is a big field with all the grass you
can eat. there no flies to bother you and no farmers to yank on your teats.
while i wouldn't mind having someone yank on my teats, there was
something else definitely amiss. "what about the jellybeans?" i asked.
"where were the jellybeans?"
but all she said was, "moo." she wouldn't say anything else. just
"moo." personally, i think she's crazy, but don't tell her that.
-chapter 30-
i think i'm old enough to open a can of soup but bob the wonder dog
won't let me. i screamed, "the thyme's got no flava!" to no avail.
whoppers wag wombats in war, but willy woofs wonderingly when women wobble.
i told you i'd do it, but you said i was crazy! celery and beanz first!
magnificent monkeys from mayberry! jelly + beans = deeeeelicious! aaaaah
ha ha ha ha! oink! oink! aaaaargh! where's that hunk of cheese i've been
saving? it's over there! give it to me! mine! i'll make you suck mud
through a severed thumb if you don't dance the mambo! jitters! jitters the
dancing cat! woo hoo! i've been looking all over for that wonderful womb
but they took it from me! i've got the biscuits, who's got the tea?! you!
you there! what are you doing? by golly, i'll rip your ears off if you
touch the tub! humble homonyms! vicarious verbs! they're everywhere!
stop it! pop it! oodles of fun! oodles of padoodles beat the poodles! i
tell you it's true! they really did shave the monkey! oh no, there he is.
the rubber rutabaga! get away! no! damn you and your funky cheese! who?
who do i think i am? why, i'm the masterful monkey! I'LL KILL YOU!
where's that damn thimble? keep it away! it's crazy! _crazy_, i tell you!
just like the chickens! they're _evil_! are you going to eat that? mmmm,
butter pecan.
-interim note-
i apologize for chapter thirty. the uar captured me and forced me to
sniff moldy monkey dung until i was well out of my gourd. let's continue,
shall we?
-chapter 31-
do aliens really exist? yes, they do. the other planetoid
jellybeans must have gotten lonely like the green bean. i believe the black
and the white jellybeans have created beings to keep them company.
the aliens from uranus (hee hee) were the ones who kidnapped elvis.
he was placed in a shrine and was (and still is) worshipped. each year,
thousands of uranals (pronounced "your anal", not "urinal") journey to the
shrine and grovel before him. elvis thinks it's because of his singing, but
the uranals actually dislike his music and merely put up with it (uranals
likea type of music called jom which sounds like a cross between african
tribal music and singing tea biscuits). the true reason elvis is in the
shrine is because he bares a striking resemblance to their god, jumbalaya,
whose name, roughly translated, means hemorrhoid.
the aliens from venus are the ones who manipulate our colors so
frequently. they enjoy billiards, flarg cheese, and singing their national
hymn "rubber is my favorite little woman."
-chapter 32-
i've seen ads, recently, that proclaim "the solar energy of sunny
delight". i wanted to test that out. i bought a small bottle of "sunny d"
and brought it back to my home in the town of koala-fart.
there is no electricity in my small home town, so i used the power of
my jellybeans to conjure up a solar panel. this is for converting "the
solar energy of sunny delight" into usable electricity. i tried it and it
worked.
i decided to use this new power source to create weapons to kill
those damn chickens. one day, as i was making one of these weapons, the uar
broke into my house, stole all my weapons and plans, and left. i was
devastated.
we should use the solar energy of sunny delight to protect our beanz.
achtung mein rot apfel!
-chapter 33-
dead cheese's words of wisdom
-if you were the apple of my eye, i'd probably eat you. i like
apples.
-never spank a three-toed sloth in the moonlight. they get upset.
-boogers and cheese don't go together. use ketchup to cover up the
aftertaste.
-always carry mentos in your pocket. you never know when you might
get in trouble.
-keep your beanz fresh and inviting.
-chimi-chongas chug chickens childishly.
-when in doubt, crunch for punch.
-never underestimate the power of soup.
-chapter 34-
if i was emperor of the world, what would i do? the very first thing
i'd do is ban mimes. or better yet, i'd lock them all up in a zoo. people
could mimic the mimes as they moved about their cages or shout obscenities
at them.
the second thing i'd do is command the aliens to give elvis back to
us. he could lead world sing-alongs around a big campfire in front of
millions of people. we could throw roses to him and build a shrine like the
aliens did. then again, elvis sucks. so, maybe i wouldn't do that after
all.
the next thing i'd do is make the galapagos islands rise up from the
sea and reveal the underwater fortress where the mooblies live. they
control the power of the wizzle wonker. that's an important job. mooblies
are nice.
-chapter 35-
what is the worst disease in the world today? chicken-manius
kuderium -- commonly known as frank perdue cooties. named after the most
famous man to have the disease, this nefarious affliction causes a person to
take on the physical features of a chicken. there is no known medicine that
is able to reverse or slow down the effects of frank perdue cooties. i like
fries.
-chapter 36-
Elvis spelled backwards is sivlE. if you put the "l" in front of the
"v" you get silvE. i think this is just too close to silvEr to be a
coincidence.
my fellow earthlings: i submit to you that Elvis was made of silvEr.
(silvEr is a mutation of silver that makes people with a low intelligence
think you sing well, even if you actually sound like a cat in labor). he
was captured by a louisianian silversmith and heated in an oven to drain the
silvEr out of him. this silversmith later became the man who made people
like country music.
two days later, Elvis was found by uranals lying in a ditch, clad
only in his bvds, with a beer in his hand and repeating, "my monkeys are on
fire so don't step on my blue suede shoes."
-chapter 37-
silly billy goes willy-nilly with that hilly philly! woo hoo! my
socks be on fire so don't smooch the goat! worms are my only friend when
i'm in the tank! mein obst! guten morgen kartoffeln mann! ich bin ein
mund lieber! wo ist das milch und maize? there it is! GIVE ME THE CHEESE!
-chapter 38-
sometimes i wonder if god made us, then who made god? who made the
guy who made god? where did he come from? who was the guy who made the guy
who made god? where'd he come from? beanland. definitely beanland. yeah.
-sniff- -sniff- i'm stinky.
-chapter 39-
elves! i've found them! i wasn't sure they existed, but i found
them! they live with the toads! THE TOADS! can you believe it!? who
would have guessed?! i didn't think the toads had anything to do with it!
i thought the answers were in the cheese, but i was wrong! TOADS!
the monkeys told me that they had seen elves crawling about in the
trees. i checked the trees but all i found were a bunch of dorky tree
nymphs. silly me, to think a monkey would tell the truth. DAMNED MONKEYS!
-chapter 40-
now that i've found the elves, i need to find something else to look
for. i'm always looking for someone or something. hmmm... i know. i'll
search for the chickens' headquarters. yeah. that's what i'll do. or i
could see how many pumpkins come with lovable larry's poodle case. no, i
hate lovable larry.
i could search for the lost squidz. yes! that's what i'll do! i'll
search for squidz. squidz, squidz, squidz, puffins. huh? where'd that
come from? oh boy. i need some jellybeans.
-chapter 41-
today, i was walking down the street and i realized that nobody knew
me, yet they trusted me enough to not even watch me (except when i'd
occasionally shout, "the chickens are coming! the chickens are coming!"). i
could have walked up to any one of them and pooted on their heads without
them knowing (until they smelled something). for all they know, i could be
some crazed idiot who writes insane books in his spare time. well, a fine
poobley-woobley to them all.
-chapter 42-
how did that damn cow jump over the moon? i'll tell you how. she
cheated. she wasn't a special cow or anything. she just was good with
hydraulics. while she was standing around with nothing to do except make
milk, she was working on a special device that could launch her very far
into outer space. of course, it could never throw her _that_ far. it did,
however, throw her about 50 feet into the air (she was a fat cow). she had
everyone standing off to the side when she launched so that it looked like
she was jumping over the moon. of course, she only had stoopit people
watch, so that they wouldn't wonder why she didn't get smaller and look far
away.
i was there when she did it and she had refreshments, too. there was
soda, jellybeans (no chickens allowed), parmesan monkey, wilberfrump, and,
of course, pooters. i like pooters.
-chapter 43-
wag the wombat! wag wookers in wilda worms! woober? oh little
birdy, sing with me! i'm stinky, so very stinky! little kids in baggy
pants, with luscious, little pooter ants: i'm stinky, so very stinky!
apples are good when i like to spank a chicken for wombatting the boogers in
my leiderhosen. apple? that's crazy! i'm gonna kill 'em! tin in my
shorts, yes, tin in my shorts! -sniff- -sniff- i smell like the bee-gees
band.
-chapter 44-
you are my slave. drink tea.
-chapter 45-
where, oh where, has my stinky cow gone? this is a question that
i've asked myself for years. . . and i've been searching for just as long.
i found a cow once, in the rural areas of pennsylvania. it was
stinky. it pooted mucho methane. it was even battling flies with its
tail...they merely wanted to lay their eggs in the cow's stinky poo. but it
wasn't my cow. it didn't have that special, unique stink that my cow had.
it emitted only a generic cow stench. ahh, but the sorrows of mangos are
seldom heard and baked, not fried.
-chapter 46-
blub. yes, blub. what am i talking about? i'm talking about blub,
you stinking idiot. blub is blub and it is good. blub likes blub like a
good blub should. blub.
-chapter 47-
what's your favorite food? jumping jigglers? no, shrump. lots of
it. right now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "no way! i've never
heard of shrump! how can it possibly be my favorite food if i've never even
tasted it?"
and, of course, my answer is, "shut up."
umm... wait. no, it's not that. yes it is. shut up, it is not.
you stinky snarf! it is... it's just a little different. oh. ok. then it
must be this one: "shut up, mr. president."
that's it. i'm going to smack you. wait, wait! third time's the
charm: "shush, my love dumpling. i'll tell you why. shrump is the tastiest
food in the universe. it doesn't matter who eats it. as soon as one eats
it, it becomes one's favorite food."
close enough... i don't know where you got the dumpling part from,
though. yay! <cough> umm... at this point, if you're thinking,
"right-o!", then you must shoot yourself now. however, if you're thinking,
"but i've never eaten shrump! it can't be my favorite food until i eat it
at least once!" then my reply would be, "oh. right. sorry." at this
point, i would suck on my toes and cry.
-chapter 48-
i like chickens and i like tea. someone better catch on to me. i'll
save the world and i'll eat france, but i ain't got no underpants. dancing
cheese and funky beanz are tasty to the people but death to the queens.
rambling rogue! pogo-stick! chumpy dumpy and a funky chick! can't be fame
if it's got no window frame. eat more rubber skins!
-chapter 49-
sometimes... i like to get just a little funky. yeah. funk-ay.
ohhh, yeah. stupid-sense tingling.
-chapter 50-
i am sad to say that this is the last installment in my masterpiece.
do not be sad! the monkeys shall always be knocking on my window, the
cheese will always be stinky, the aliens will never give up elvis, the
chickens will always be trying to steal the jellybeans, and the purple
dwarves will always be tooting. may the power of the beanz be with you.
is that muffins i smell?
*fin*
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"dto.illinois: on the road"
by - shadow tao and murmur
we started off by posting the contents of dto #1 and #2 on our local
university-weenie-bulletin-area/net. we gave the iwu denizens time to
digest it, and came up with four questions :
1. what do you think of dto?
2. do you think black francis is a greasy punk?
3. how many teeth does mogel have?
4. what do you think of eightball's epic "enema" piece?
we decided a good place to poll was outside our library.
mur : "sir, would you mind answering a few questions?"
sir : "um. no."
mur : "what do you think of dto?"
sir : "what the fuck is dto?"
shady : <thwack>
sir : "GODDAMN FUCKING OUCH@#%"
mur : <boot>
sir : "SHIT!$% I'm gonna kick your ass!@$"
<it would be interesting to note that this fellow was rather
muscular.>
mur : "run shady!"
shady : "um. no."
<shady is a large guy and is not into things like running.>
<he had also had an _extremely_ large portion of garlic bread.>
shady : "fwAAHHH!#%"
sir : "OHMYgaw....<thump>"
shady took the wallet and one of those frat-dangly things off the
body. murmur had already made it to the parking lot. shady began to lumber
in the general direction of the parking lot.
lumber .. lumber ..
"let's roll!"
"i didn't mean literally. get off the ground."
"haha. that was rather stupid."
"shut up. to the supermarket we go."
it was only, oh, two blocks to the supermarket, but the distance was
much shorter in the crusier: a teal suzuki, *with* hydraulics#!@!@
pouncing upon the first customer they came across:
mur : "excuse me, ma'am, would you please answer a few questions?"
customer : "oh!@ will i be in the newspaper?"
shady : "sure! now tell us, what do you think of dto?"
customer : "oh!@ dto!@ i do wish they'd finish working on the interstate.
it's a hazard out there, you know."
mur : "yeah, i know. a real drag, ain't it? ok."
shady : "do you think black francis is a greasy punk?"
customer : "well, i don't know francis or any of those punks, but if they
call him black, he's probably a greasy one, alright."
shady : "of course, of course@!"
mur : "how many teeth does mogel have?"
customer : "now, let me think on this one. ok. humans have 32 teeth,
right? and so do cats and dogs? so, i figure mogels, aren't
mogels in the same genus as ferrets? mogels must have 24 teeth?"
shady : "actually, they have 32 teeth like us, but that's a good guess."
mur : "absolutely. you've been closest so far!@!"
customer : "really? really? wow@!@!"
shady : "so, what do you think of eightball's epic 'enema' piece?"
customer : "enema piece? i just did one of those 1500 piece puzzles, is
that what you mean?"
mur : "actually, we're talking about an article eightball did about having
an enema.. what do you think about that?"
customer : "poor thing; i had one of those magic eightballs once but it
stopped working; it was an enema for me too."
shady : "well, that's all the questions we have for you today.. thanks for
your time!"
mur : "and for your troubles, here, a free can of .. "
shady : "TEXAS FIZZ!"
customer : "hey! don't you need my name?"
mur : "oh, no, this is an *anonymous* newspaper piece. but we may still
pull a quote or two of yours, as a cross section of the populace."
customer : "my name is suzie montana, do you need my address?"
shady : "no, that'll be quite alright, suzie. could we have your credit
card number, though, in case we need to get in touch with you and
can't reach you at home?"
customer : "that's a great idea! hold on a second!" <fumbles through purse>
"here, citibank mastercard: 333 1333 5241 3132."
mur and shady : "thank you very, very much, miss, er, suzie@!!"
we had a short pow-wow near the pizza-roll samples.
mur <food-in-mouth>: "Wha foode wee go?" trans: "where should we go?"
shady <food-in-mouth>: "maw." trans: "mall."
mur: "grab some snacky-wacks. you can pay."
shady: "thank you for the priveledge. i'm getting those bbq-pork things."
mur: "NO@#% NO!#% GET THE CHEESY cRUncHEs!@#"
shady: "pork. bbq pork. the snack of champions."
mur: "YeW wiLL BuY tH3 CH33sy cRUncHEs!@# I WiLL H4x0r yEW@!#"
<murmur hits tao with the cheesy crunches, spraying the aisle with
little yellow pieces of death.>
shady: "i got yo cruchees right here."
<shadow tao smacks murmur with the pig by-products.>
store manager: "You fucking assholes!@# get out of my store#@$"
shady: "<BeLCh> okay. those pizza things were go-oo-ood."
store manager: "BwAGHH@#$ GAHhAH@#%%@# THE WHOLE FUCKING CARTON IS GONE@#$"
<store manager move forward and falls down. we think he either had a stroke
or slipped on the cheese crunchies of death.>
<pause>
<murmur walks up to the store manager. tao is eating the spilt
cheese crunchies off the floor.>
mur: "umm. sir? what do you think of dto?"
<pause>
store manager: "...<drool>. . ."
tao: "whoa. a conversationalist. lets roll over to the mall... here. have
a crunchy."
mur: "wow. these aren't as good as i'd thought they'd be."
tao: "they're made in texas. with illegal alien care."
mur: "hmm."
tao: "hmm."
<we then vacated the premises. with our pants full of frozen pizza
rolls.>
lumber .. lumber .. in the suzuki with hydraulics ..
.. and walking into a children's shoe outlet ..
salesman: "can i help you? would you like to try a pair of AIR punkies?"
mur: "uhm. what do you think of dto?"
salesman: "dto. yeah! those new cross-trainers!! but, those are for
bigger kids. hyuk! hyuk!"
tao: "uhm. do you think black francis is a greasy punk?"
salesman: "well, what kind of shoes does he wear? ALL the punks are
wearing AIR punkies nowadays."
mur: "i think he doesn't wear shoes.."
salesman: "tell mister francis to get some AIR punkies. they're highly
comfortable."
tao: "what size shoes do you go up to in here anyways?"
salesman: "well, 13, of course! 13@!~@!"
mur: "er. i wear 12."
tao: "i wear 15. let's go somewhere else."
salesman: "15#!?? i've never heard of 15."
mur: "WE WEAR ADULT SHOES." <kicks salesman>
salesman: "WOW YOU GOT BIGGIE FEET"
tao: "oh lord, no.." <runs out of the store>
mur: "thank you for your time, thir.." <sprints after shady>
.. and then lumbering towards the ice cream stand, specifically
towards the cute yet seemingly flitty blonde behind the counter ..
tao: "um. that last guy was weird. i feel strange."
mur: "shh. hello miss!"
miss: "hi! can i get you, like, something?"
tao: "what do you think of dto?"
<pause>
miss: "wait. is that that old 80's rock band?"
mur: "i think you mean 'reo speedwagon.'"
miss: "oh...i think i saw something about dto on my tv once. I thought it
was a little weird that it could do that."
tao: "what did you find weird about it, *specifically*?"
miss: "um. i thought it was weird that it could grow that mossy stuff on
pottery. but it was kinda cute."
mur: <whispered to tao>: "what the hell is she talking about?"
tao: <responding>: "i think she means chia pet."
tao: "thank you, ma'am. we're also doing a survey on limberness. could you
at least try to touch the tips of your elbows together?"
miss: "i guess."
<tao and mur lean on counter. she puts her elbows together and looks
back at them.>
mur: "okay. try touching them behind your back now."
<she attempts to do so, arching her back and quietly grunting.>
tao: "you are, by far, the _most_ buxom interviewee we've had today."
mur: "yup. you are that, by jiminy."
miss: "wow!@% what does that mean?"
<pause>
tao: "it means, <ahem>, nice."
mur: "thank you. very much."
miss: "uhhuh. byee!@#"
<tao and mur move off towards the middle of the mall.>
lumber .. lumber ..
tao: "uh. is that quarex up ahead?"
<pause>
mur: "um. i guess that could be him."
mur: "he does have a rather large head."
<short pause>
tao: "<BeLCh> well. i guess there is only one way to find out."
tao: "KOSMIC SUCKS! HEY BIG HEAD GUY! KOSMIC SUCKS! "
mur: "YEAH!@ KOSMIC BLOWS FERRETS! BEDLAM ROOLS!"
<tao starts doing an interpretive dance which is hilarious because
tao has _no_ cooridination.>
swisspope: "is that tao, doing an interpretive dance?"
quarex: "um. i guess that could be him. i do have a rather large head."
<murmur joins in on the interpretive dance, but only succeeds in an
unsuccessful mosh. murmur slams into tao and lands in the potted plants>
quarex: "i think that's murmur too. i do have a rather large head."
swisspope: "maybe they'd like some dr. smooth." <pulls out sixpack of
dr. smooth>
hrothgar: "did you know only 200 students from illinois are ac AAAAHHHHHH!
AHHHHH! OH GOD! AHHHHH! PAIN@!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH@!@!@!!!!!"
mur: "is that quarex?"
tao: "i already said that."
mur: "it *is* quarex. hi, quarex@!"
quarex: "you're in the potted plants."
tao: "sshhhh. i'm doing an interpretive dance."
mur: "what happened to hrothgar?"
swisspope: "he suffered an unfortunate contact accident. he's not going to
speak for the remainder of this text file, even though he'll be
in it for a while. care for a can of dr. smooth?"
tao: "dr. smooth?"
+ MURMUR'S ENDING +
<as an entourage, mur and tao and quarex and swisspope and hrothgar
leave the mall. it's nearing time for goat-spiel@!@!!>
swisspope: "goat-spiel?"
mur: "it's our radio show."
quarex: "they'll even play mods, pope."
tao: "we've got time. let's go interview someone else."
<a police officer approaches, for the five are standing in the middle
of a busy intersection.>
copper: "what the hell do you think you're doing?"
mur: "what do you think of dto, mister copper?"
copper: "dto? are you underage? damn it, i'm tired of you minors
drinking like this.."
tao: "is black francis a greasy punk?"
copper: "just as i thought. drunk as a horse."
quarex: "a horse?"
copper: <first noticing quarex> "damn, son, you've got a large head!"
swisspope: "care for a can of dr. smooth?"
tao: "dr. smooth?"
hrothgar: "AAAHAHHH!!! PAIN!!!!"
copper: "what's with him?"
all: "AN UNFORTUNATE CONTACT ACCIDENT."
copper: "get the hell out of here, you damn punks."
all: "uh, ok."
<it's goat-spiel time. they are met in the radio studio by mogel and
crank.>
tao: "hey. how did you two get here? and why are you here?"
mogel: "you *are* giving away some texas fizz, right?"
swisspope: "dr. smooth is better."
tao: "dr. smooth?"
mur: "hey out there!@ this is GOAT-SPIEL@!@ we're going to kick off
the hijinks with, well, uhm, er. what do we have?"
quarex: "korn!"
all: "NO!"
tao: "this is the pixies, with 'debaser'."
bF: "i fuckin' hate nirvana."
<all look around, but bF is nowhere to be seen.>
mur: "hey. what's crank doing?"
swisspope: "i think she's stuck in the doorway."
mur: "oh, ok. uhm."
mogel: "how about if we stop with the veiled scene references, guys? i
mean, there's a whole world to take over."
tao: "good point, mogel. but what shall we do then?"
swisspope: "drink some dr. smooth!"
tao: "dr. smooth?"
mogel: "stop the corny in-jokes too, you lubdubs."
mur: "oh, ok. i have to play another song now. how about 'flux = rad!'?"
<in walks jesus, jesus christ.>
swisspope: "hey, is that jesus?"
quarex: "why, yes it is. i do have a rather large head."
mur: "mister christ, sir, what do you think of dto?"
jesus: "well, it's like this. i think doomed to obscurity is pretty funny,
and rather informative. but all of you kids, you've got such a
negative attitude. i mean, look at this text file. mur and shady,
you beat up the poor grocer, you tricked the poor ice cream girl
into showing off her breasts; don't you think this is a bit
excessive? and quarex, look at you, and your large head."
hrothgar: "PAIN@!! AHAAHHHHH!!!!"
mogel: "but, jesus, what shall we do then?"
bF: "i fuckin' hate nirvana."
<all look around, but bF is nowhere to be seen.>
tao: "what a stupid, stupid joke that was. i see what jesus is saying."
jesus: "it's this simple. the only way dto will be better than cDc is to
tap your very inner souls. none of this surface shennanigans like
mur and shady did this time."
tao: "hey, mur, we need to play another song."
mur: "uhm. i'm putting us on the air." <switches microphones ON>
jesus: "hello there, everybody. this is jesus christ. i've come to spread
the good word at last, and the good word is: doomed to obscurity.
these guys and gals are the greatest 'zine writers in the world,
and you really need to read their work. the bible of the 21st
century will be the work of dto. now, i must go, for my work here
is done."
swisspope: "hey, j, care for a dr. smooth?"
jesus: "sure, pope. thanks!" <drinks the dr. smooth> "mMMmmmmMmm, best dr.
pepper clone on the market. <b3lCH>"
mur: "hey, jesus, can you get crank out of that doorway?"
jesus: "no problem, mur. just straighten up, ok?"
mur and tao: "sure thing, j-man@!@!"
<exit jesus. enter satan.>
quarex: "wow, it's satan!"
satan: "this is merely a cameo appearance here. i can't damn you all to
hell since jesus has already been here, but i figured, hey, might as
well make an appearance." <sets the turntable on fire>
swisspope: "here! put the fire out with the dr. smooth!"
tao: "dr. smooth?"
mogel: "wow, satan."
mur: "satan, what do you think of dto?"
satan: "i think dto is fine. you know, christ hangs out with the devil at
night. what do you think we talk about?"
<satan is referring to the song 'christ hangs out with the devil at
night' by john stewart, formerly of the kingston trio.>
crank: "you know, quarex has a very large head."
hrothgar: "<whimper> oww, pain."
mur: "ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to goat-spiel tonight.
we're going to leave you with 'fun time' by r.e.m."
satan: "first, i'll read a public service announcement. do you mind?"
tao: "why, of course not, satan. we'll hum the national anthem as you read
this psa."
satan: <with everyone humming and hrothgar whimpering>
"plant a tree. do it for your community, for yourself, for your
children. but remember, one acre of hemp equals four acres of
trees. so smoke weed, and breathe more easily."
michael stipe: "hey, hey, baby, we like your pants."
+ TAO's ENDING +
<as an entourage, mur and tao and quarex and swisspope and hrothgar
leave the mall. it's nearing time for goat-spiel@!@!!>
[...]
swisspope: "goat-spiel?"
mur: "it's our radio show."
quarex: "they'll even play mods, pope."
tao: "we've got time. let's go interview someone else."
lumber .. lumber ..
quarex:" hey. look. it's kurt cobain's cremated remains..."
mur: "um. kurt? what do you think of dto?"
kurt "..."
tao: <boot>
<awkward pause>
tao: "um. this is sort of creepy, and it's not nearly as funny as I
originally would have guessed."
mur: "yeah. this was a pretty stupid plot idea."
tao: "at least i'm not running through the library of in-jokes."
mur: "I'm not having us interview a dead person."
<pause>
tao: "*I'm* not involving biblical characters."
quarex: "um. man, i hate to tell you this, but isn't that Moses over
there?"
tao: "um.. yeah. i guess it is."
Moses: "shalom."
tao: "uh. shalom."
<moses raises his hands to the sky and kurt's ashes divide into two
distinct halves.>
quarex: "cool."
swisspope: "yeah. that's pretty cool."
<pause>
mur: "um. havah nagila, or something."
<moses waves and walks off.>
tao: "bye. shalom."
<pause>
mur: "i hope we're funnier by the time we reach the station. this is pretty
lame, man."
quarex: "I HAVE A BIG HEAD!"
<awkward pause>
shady: "that didn't work _at all_, dammit. cut away!"
<cut away to the station>
tao: "okay. i don't really have an ending. I just didn't like all the in-
jokes in murmur's ending. I mean, the thing is 75% in-jokes."
<pause>
mur: "well, tao, in a last-ditch attempt to be funny, made us put on these
giant paper mache skulls."
tao: "shut up. its better than your stupid satan and michael stipe ending."
mur: "is not."
<murmur, weighted by his twenty lb. exo-head, tips over and lands on
the floor with a sharp thud.>
swisspope: "i can't see anything in this thing."
tao: "i give up."
<click>
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doomed to obscurity special two has been brought to you by the letters
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d2o special two / all rights reserved - 1995 - doomed to obscurity press
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