Durex Blender Corporation 002

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 · 5 years ago

  

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   ||   || ||  || ||  \\  ||      // \\               RAD-MAN .DBC 
E  ||==//  \\==// ||   \\ ||==|| ||   ||         #002-AA01 -- [03/21/91] 
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                              "Radiation Man" 
                              --------------- 
                            by Aldebaran Arghat 

     "Ladies, gentlemen, and members of the press," opened the press 
secretary of the Nuclear Regulatory Commision, "I have called this conference 
to address the many questions the public has about our current situation. 
Two months ago today, as you all know, seventeen nuclear warheads 
accidentally were detonated in our beautiful state of Nebraska.  I realize 
that you have many problems which you would like addressed, and I will get to 
as many of them as possible.  First question?" 
     "I'm from the Lake Wakanookacherri area, in Mudhowle County, and the 
citizens of the county have been having problems with their livestock.  Billy 
Bob O'Spooley, a chicken farmer, is here with me." 
     "Dang nabbit!  My durn chickins is glowin' durn green!  When me needs 
some grub fur m'family I ain't gonna want to give'em no radioactive 
chickins!" 
     "The problems that we are facing with contaminated food and livestock 
are being looked into, and I assure you that the problem will be solved, Mr. 
O'Spooley.  Next question?" 
     "I'm Mayor Coulden B. Wurss of Hicktowne, where one of the warheads 
detonated.  I have been getting complaints from citizens of body parts being 
found throughout Hicktowne.  Today, when my son drank from our well, his 
tongue fell out and he swallowed it." 
     "Glllughh... spleeechhhhch... glug.." the young boy eloquently said. 
     "I agree," said the press secretary, "that someting must be done about 
the contamination, and the physical effects it has on the people of Nebraska, 
and we are currently looking into it." 
     "Lookin' into it!  I oughta ring yer neck you durn yellowbellies scum 
suckin' cahoot!" Billy Bob rose from his seat, clenching his fists and 
gritting his teeth, and began to force his way towards the press secretary. 
     Suddenly, the door to the meeting hall burst open.  A tall muscular 
figure, wearing a green cap and mud stained over-alls, was in the doorway on 
a tractor.  "I," spoke the figure, "am RADIATION MAN!" 
     Screams of fear broke out, as the sounds of radiation man's theme song 
echoed through the chamber, and radiation man dismounte his tractor.  Green 
goo dripping from his cap, radiation man slowly advanced toward the press 
secretary. 
     "Your nuclear technology has caused me much pain and suffering.  I was 
once a peaceful farmer in this 'beautiful' state.  Two months ago, while I 
was telling ghost stories to my daughter Betsy Lou and my turtle Hernandez, I 
heard a horrible crashing noise, as a warhead detonated.  My house was 
destroyed, and if it was't for the protective layer of caked on dirt and 
grime on my skin I would have perished also.  Now I am a mutant, the remains 
of a thing which once was human, the burnt body of what was a peaceful 
farmer.  Look what you have done to me!  Just think about the suffering that 
this technology has caused before a similar mistake is made.  I will be 
leaving now." 
     With that, radiation man leaped upon his tractor, and backed up through 
the wall, onward into a world of pain, sorrow, and death, with no future, and 
no past... only radiation sickness and pain. 

     [Remember kids, don't play around with nuclear stuff. It's dangerous and 
you can seriously injure yourself. Don't put it in your mouth. Nobody will 
think you're "cool", so give up on it. Anyway, that stunt's been done, and it 
causes cancer of the mouth and tongue faster than chewing tobacco. - RT] 

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(C)1991 by The Durex Blender Corporation & Aldebaran Arghat 
All Rights Available at the Door. No Reservations. 

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