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T ||==\\ || || ||==\\ ||==|| || || B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N
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E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #013-SB04 -- [11/20/91]
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It All Started With A Hernia
The Story of what REALLY happened When Kennedy Was Shot
and
How they name Star Wars Guys
------------------------------
by Snarfblat the Fork of Spoon
"Ouch. This hernia is a pain in the ass!"
-Dwight Eisenhower, President of the United States.
---
We all know that on November 23, 1963, John F. Kennedy was killed by an
assassin in Dallas, Texas. But who was it that killed him? Lee Harvey
Oswald? Someone in the "grassy knoll"? This report is the result of a 25
year search for the truth about what happened on that day, and the details of
the coverup.
Ike was a hero among the people of this country. But he had a nasty
hernia. One day when it was particularly bad, he noticed that the Oval
Office was glowing with a strange green light. After several minutes of
confusion, he realized that the light emanated from an alien sitting at his
desk.
"I am Wosparatuzaxolar. I have heard of you problem and I am here to
help. All I require are the souls of seven honest men. Or some really good
cocaine."
"Well, since this is Washington DC, I'm afraid I can't find seven honest
men. However, I do have a whole lot of choice cocaine here in my desk." He
shuffled through the contents of the top drawer, and eventually found a
plastic bag full of a certain white substance.
"Whoops, just a condom there". Then he pulled out the coke in a packet
and tossed it to the alien.
"Earth man, you are healed. You must not tell the public of our
existance. If you did, we would be exploited. But since we make a nice
profit here in the White House, feel free to tell any politicians our
secret." Ike smiled. He felt much better now.
Later that day, Richard Nixon was seen tossing a strange green suit into
a dumpster near Capitol Hill.
When Kennedy became president, he was told of the alien and its strange
cures for illnesses. He was warned not to tell the public. But being
relatively honest, he decided it would be best not to keep any secrets. He
planned to reveal it on a number of occasions, but each time his advisors'
pleas kept him silent.
Lyndon Johnson knew about the alien. It had helped cure his nose hair
problem. He felt that Kennedy was being foolish to share such a great and
secret national treasure among the people of the country to which it
belonged. Johnson held many secret meetings with Congress and the CIA. They
decided that Kennedy had to be taken out of office. He was too popular to be
impeached, so it was decided that he had to go "the hard way."
The mafia. Killings, lynchings, fear and greed were what they fed upon.
Vinny "The Chin" Giosa was surprised to get a call from the Pentagon, yet he
knew that he could not be arrested. He paid the white house phone bill, his
men served dinner to the president. They took out the trash. 90% of the
secret service was mafia. Vinny listened. He liked the idea of killing a
president. Especially one as well-liked as Kennedy. He agreed to do the
job.
Lee Harvey Oswald was not a happy camper. Nor was he a sad camper, or
even an evil camper. He hated camping. He also hated America, and went to
Russia to try to become a Communist. He was discharged from the Red Army with
a poor record, and returned to the U.S. where he promptly joined the mafia as
a hitman. Oswald was a good shot as long as he was sober. He was chosen to
be the assassin and was informed of his duties.
On the planned day of the shooting, Kennedy would be riding in a
convertable. Oswald was to shoot Kennedy from a nearby building. Three other
men hidden near the site would then use hollow tipped bullets to make
mincemeat of the president's body so as to eliminate the possibility of an
autopsy. The gunmen would then take their weapons with them and enter the
basements of their respective buildings. They would follow the tunnel which
had been dug the previous night, swim through the sewer lines, and climb into
an escape truck through a manhole, 12 blocks away.
The plan failed for several reasons. Firstly, a shot was fired from a
grassy knoll before Oswald's shot. Oswald was able to fire, but his
accomplices did not. They knew their cover had been blown, and they hopped
down the stairs, met in the van and escaped. Oswald was not so lucky. Being
not as experienced as the others, the source of his shot was noticed, and he
was arrested shortly thereafter. His tunnel was not found, and all were
filled in that night.
The shot from the knoll did not hit the president. It was not meant to,
for it was fired by none other than Folbert R. Jakes. Never heard of him?
He wanted it that way. Jakes fired the shot as a warning. He was one of
Dallas's finest sewer scrubbers and he knew of the tunnels that had been dug.
Fearing the worst, he followed his hunch that something foul would happen
soon. He kept a vigil in the knoll with his shotgun. As the presidential
car was passing, he noticed a glint in a window of a building. His mind
raced, and his instinct was to fire.
BANG!
The world stopped for one moment as a bullet whizzed past Kennedy's ear.
He ducked, and as his guards dove over him, the second shot, which was
expected, was fired. It hit him in the back of the head.
Oswald was taken to jail. It was meant to be swift and silent, but
bureaucracy is slow. Organized crime has no rules, no forms to be filled
out. When news of Oswald's capture reached Vinny "The Chin", he ordered Jack
Ruby to kill Oswald so he couldn't give away the mafia, the aliens and the
conspiracy. Ruby was at the police station 3 hours before Oswald. He
stepped out of the crowd, shot Oswald in the chest, and was arrested. As
Oswald gasped his last breath, the words "The Chin" passed his lips, along
with a large amount of blood and drool. Every chinese person in the area was
questioned, but it led nowhere.
Mobs are not quick-witted. Nor are sewer scrapers. Jakes sat stunned
in his grassy knoll, as he suddenly realized that he might be blamed for the
assassination. He recovered quickly, dropped his gun, and mingled with the
crowd until he could slip into a manhole. He was proud of his escape, yet he
knew he could not show himself in Dallas again. Somebody would want him dead,
so he hid beneath the streets and hopped out of a toilet in New Jersey four
months later.
Ruby escaped from jail easily. It was discovered that Oswald's brain
dead body was being kept alive in a hospital, so it was removed will all the
life support equipment and taken to Vinny's crime base. Kennedy was
pronounced dead, and as far as we know, he is dead. However, the eternal
flame that burns over his grave has been rumored to be the chimney of a small
room where he lives today, and thinks up names of Star Wars characters.
Johnson got the presidency. Although politicians are a pain in the ass, they
don't have any themselves. Jakes is scraping slime in Atlantic City. And
Nixon can be seen wasted on coke in various alleys in Washington DC.
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