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Durex Blender Corporation 026
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T ||==\\ || || ||==\\ ||==|| || || B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N
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H || || || || ||==// ||=|| >|< >>> Presents <<<
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E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #026-FH01 -- [10/07/92]
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Fishead presents:
My retelling of the horror classic -
THE MONKEY'S PAW.
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Once in a small Vermont town named Munguwuppanog, there lived a very
poor, but very happy family. The father was once a Chippendale's dancer with
dreams of making it big in Hollywood,but a farming accident reduced him to a
near cripple. Even so,he held on to his dreams. In fact, he spent all his
free time studying to be an Elvis impersonator. His wife had to give up her
carreer as a kickboxer to devote all her time to taking care of her husband
and the farm. Now, their only income came from their nineteen year old son,
who had dropped out of high school to take a job at Dunkin' Donuts, operating
a machine that punched the holes in the doughnuts.
It was a friday night, the family had just finished playing Pictionary,
and they were gathering by the piano for their traditional friday night
family sing-along, when there came a knock on the door. Munguwuppanog was a
very secluded town, and its citzens usually kept to themselves if they could
help it. Visitors were very rare. Father figured it was either a census taker
or a tax collector. He got his hunting rifle out of the closet and answered
the door. It turned out to be an old blind soldier with a tin can collecting
for the new Veteran's hospital.
The father was getting ready to shoot the man and rob him of his money
when the old man yelled "Wait! I have something in my pocket that is much
more valuable to you than what's in this tin can." He reached into his jacket
pocket and pulled out a dirty white handkerchief. He unfolded the
handkerchief to reveal a shriveled up, mummified monkey's paw.
He explained, "It had a spell put on it by an old lady. She gave it to
me, right before she was convicted of witchcraft. She told me that it had the
power to grant three wishes to one man. I have not used it, and have kept it
a secret from the world until now. I have a strong belief in fate and that
those who try to alter its course eventually wind up doomed. But no matter
how strong my religion, I refuse to believe that it is my destiny to be
pumped full of lead by a backwoods inbred redneck, so I'll give you this paw,
in exchange for my life."
The Father took the paw and slammed the door in the old man's face. He
abruptly cancelled the friday night family sing-along and called a family
meeting. He showed his family the paw and related the old man's story. He
then held the paw in the air, rubbed it, and said "Please give me two million
dollars." He thought that he saw the paw came to life for one second and snap
its small fingers, but he figured it was just his imagination.
The three sat in silence for an hour, waiting for something to happen.
The father finally gave up and went to bed. He cursed himself for being so
stupid and gullible, and he cursed his parents for being first cousins.
When he woke up the next morning, his son had already left for his job at
the doughnut shop. Before getting out of bed, he checked under the pillows,
just in case. He found nothing.
So the father and mother wasted away another afternoon studying the art
of elvis and waiting for their son to come home with his paycheck. Around
four o'clock, there was a knock at the door.
"That's peculiar," said Mom. "The doughnut shop doesn't close until seven
on weekends, and he has his own set of housekeys. There must be something
wrong."
Sure enough, the man at the door was not her son, it was his boss. With
a very grave expression he said, "I regret to be the one to have to tell you
this, but there was a tragic accident involving the new doughnut maker today.
Your son is dead. It seems he fell into the machine that stuffs the jelly
into the jelly doughnuts. The machine tried, somewhat succesfully, to stuff
your son into a jelly doughnut. It took us a few hours to discover what had
happened... We recovered about sixty percent of his body intact, and we
immediately pulled all the jelly doughnuts off the shelf."
He continued to speak, "You must understand that Dunkin' Donuts is in no
way liable for this occurance, but on behalf of Dunkin Donuts, I'd like to
present you with this check for two million dollars, as compensation for your
loss. You must understand, if you accept this check, you cannot in the future
file a lawsuit or alert the press."
They accepted the check in horror. Three days later, they buried the
remains of their son in the local graveyard. They recovered most of his upper
body intact. He was missing his left fore-arm and three fingers on his right
hand. They only recovered half his skull, thus they could only find one of
his contact lenses. His body had been completley bi-sected at the waist, and
the two halves were held together by only his large intestine, which had
uncoiled itself to the length of twelve feet. His legs were an indecipherable
mass of broken bones, held together by patches of skin. They figured the
rest of him lay somewhere inside the weekend's jelly doughnuts, so they
bought all of them (they numbered almost six dozen). With their newfound
wealth, they bought him a tuxedo to be buried in so he wouldn't be naked.
They tried their hardest to dress him, shoveled the bloody pulp that was
their son into a coffin, placed the six dozen doughnuts next to him, nailed
it shut, said a prayer, and buried him.
Weeks passed without much incident... The husband and wife were having so
much fun spending their money that they nearly forgot that they ever HAD a
son. But soon they came to realize that the only thing their money couldn't
do was bring their son back to life. They had completley forgotten about the
monkey's paw until their new maid uncovered it one day while house cleaning.
Upon hearing about the discovery, the father immediately cancelled his
plans for the day and called a family meating. They all voted to see if they
should use the paw to bring their son back to life. As usual, the father and
mother voted against each other, but the son was no longer around to offer
the tie-breaking vote. So they reasoned that the only way around the
political gridlock was to use the paw, resurrect their son, and get his vote.
The only other solution would be to give birth to a child, so that it could
offer the decisive vote -- but they would have to wait 9 months, and dead
bodies don't last that long, and neither do jelly doughnuts. Besides, if they
DID decide to resurrect their son, there would then be 4 voters at family
meetings, and that would just spell more political gridlock in the future.
They decided to go with their first plan.
So the father rubbed the paw and spoke aloud, "Please,if you can hear me,
please return our son to us." This time, the monkey's paw snapped its small
fingers two times. They sat on the couch and waited all day in silence. After
a while, they got bored, so they watched a Brady Bunch marathon on
television. They soon became lost in the rich storylines and complicated
subplots. They seriously contemplated using the monkey paw's third and final
wish to turn them into Bradys.
It was near midnight, they were watching the episode where Marsha
swallows the football. That was when they first heard it... The noise. Just
as Marsha was about to scream "Ooooh my nose!", they heard a noise coming
from somewhere outside. They turned off the television and listened. It was
not the light footsteps on gravel they expected to hear..... it was a low
slithering sound, mixed with a hideous crunching noise, and underscored by a
strange slurpiness and a bizzare rolling noise that could only be made by a
blown tire or by half a skull. The father courageously peeked out the window,
and he could see a dark, mangled, shapeless shadow slowly creeping its way up
the road and taking a turn at the front gate. He screamed, pulled down the
shade, and jumped behind the sofa with his wife. The awful dragging noise
continued, and gained in speed and momentum, until it was only inches from
the front door.
There was a minute's silence as the blob on the front steps patientley
waited for his mother and father to fling the door open wide and attack their
son with a barrage of hugs and kisses. He wondered if it was too late to play
a game of charades with him. Of Course! Thats why they weren't coming out to
greet him! It was nearly midnight and they fell asleep on the couch waiting.
Oh how he hated to wake them. But he missed them so! He awkwardly raised a
boney protrusion that was probably once part of his spine.
THUMP.... THUMP.... THUMP.... He loudly knocked three times.
There was no answer...his parents just held each other in fear.
THUMP.... THUMP.... THUMP.... He tried again, but still they didn't hear
him.
He was getting very annoyed. He gathered strength as he prepared to
unleash one final onlaught of knocks.
THUMP.... THUMP.... THUMP.... THUMP.... THUMP.... THUMP.... (they became
louder and more rhythmic) THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!
THUMP!
The mother was in hysterics. The father could stand it no longer. He
grabbed the monkey's paw and screamed "MAKE THAT NOISE GO AWAY!!! MAKE
HIM GO AWAY FOREVER!!!!!"
The monkey's paw snapped three times and disappeared, along with the
geletinous blob on their front steps that was once their son. They both fell
asleep in front of the television, watching the Brady Bunch. They had tried
to make themselves believe that the whole ordeal was only a bad dream, but
this was impossible, for the next morning they discovered that their son had
left behind a 2 inch thick trail of grape jelly, leading from their front
steps down the country road to places unknown.
THE END
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(C)1992 by Fishead and The Durex Blender Corporation
All Rights Available at the Door. No Reservations.
Q: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The Fish!
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