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Durex Blender Corporation 007
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T ||==\\ || || ||==\\ ||==|| || || B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N
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H || || || || ||==// ||=|| >|< >>> Presents <<<
|| || || || || \\ || // \\ ERN&BERT.DBC
E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #007-SB02 -- [06/10/91]
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How Ernie and Bert Came to Be
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by Snarfblat, the Fork of Spoon
You all know Ernie and Bert- they're those two puppet guys that live in
an apartment on Sesame Street. You probably also have stayed up late at
night breaking into a cold sweat because you couldn't figure out how they
were related. Most people (besides those k-k00l dooooodz who say "who
cares,they're puppets") say Oh, they are gay lovers. Well, maybe, but if so,
why do they play with toys. Fine, they are immature gay lovers. No, because
how do they pay the rent. They don't work, and don't own a car. Plus, they
sleep in seperate beds. They can't be roommates cuz they are just kids or
demented adults. Now that you are thoroughly confused, I will help you sort
it out.
First of all, Bert is Ernie's father. That's why they sleep in seperate
beds. If you want, they can be gay and incestuous, but thats up to your sick
little imagination. Anyway, Bert's wife was red. In case you don't remember
bert is yellow and ernie is orange. Red and yellow make orange, hence
ernie's color.
Bert worked in a factory for several years before he came to sesame
street(but why did he go to sesame street? - read on!) One day, Bert got just
a little too close to that machine that crushes steel girders into pellets
the size of a grain of salt. His head was smashed, and he was brain damaged.
So severely that he regressed to the intelectual level of a small child-a
child about ernie's age.
When Bert's wife realized that Bert had become a moron, she divorced him
and took everything they owned (except that little brat Ernie). Well, bert's
lawyer found out and sued the wife for everything she had. Unfortunately
Bert and Ernie couldn't live alone so they were put into a community for the
mentally unwell. You got it- Sesame Street. They met Oscar, a wierd hairy
man obsessed with garbage. Big Bird, a junkie and hallucinogen user who
always thought he was being followed by a brown elephant-like thing called
Snuffalopagulopaloopulagus. All the real people on sesame street are
counselors for the deranged folks who live there. Why else would they be so
bloody nice all the time? The real people kids are trucked in from nearby
towns to act as a positive influence on the patients.
Well, thats it. Years of research went into this, and it actually makes
sense. Remember, this is only a theory!!! It has yet to be proven, but I'd
like to see you find a flaw in it.
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(C)1991 by The Durex Blender Corporation & Snarfblat
All Rights Revered. Even yours.
*** Spread the word of Turnex, the Blender for the Next Millenium. ***
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