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Damned Fucking Shit Issue 39
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(ASCii By AD!)
Damned Fucking Shit
Editor: Access Denied
Issue #39
Title: The Adventures of Power Wedge Man
Date: 7/17/94
By: Ares
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The Adventures of Power Wedge Man
Sort of high above the streets I was perched, scanning the metropolis
for any signs of trouble. Gripped in my hand was my Surefire 250X graphite
handled #5 iron. 2.83 pounds of the most butt kicking sand throwing action
ever to be used off the golf course. My long luxurious blonde pony tail was
tonight covered by the camouflage pull-over mask I've become so accustomed to.
I am POWER WEDGE MAN!!! Defender of the MEEK and LARGE BREASTED!!!
Just as a chill night breeze wafted through my body I caught the sight
of a woman jogging through the park. I tracked her for a minute but my
attention was soon stolen from the well-rounded figure only to be placed upon
the dark shadowy man approching her. The woman thought nothing of him but I
have seen this man before...
As the man approached her I lept from the top of my 2-story apartment
building. Realizing that I was falling out of control, a manly squeal
escaped my lips that was soon silenced as my face mashed into the apartment's
lovely maggot-infested compost heap. I would have loved to stay and wallow
in the sweet smell of decomposing kumquats, but I had work to do.
The man grabbed the woman and I heard her cry for help. I sprinted
at the struggling couple with all of my might. I screamed, "FACE MY WRATH,
SCUM!!!" And at that, my beloved wedge landed full force on the side of his
neck. A loud snap was heard and the twisted figure collapsed to the ground,
jerking and convulsing as the last breath of live was sucked from his body.
The woman looked up, and at the sight of my masked face she let out
a shriek of terror and kicked my croch with animal-like ferocity. As I felt
my balls proceed to rise into my stomach by sheer inertia alone, A whirling
roundhouse smashed across the side of my face. Nuts in hand, I fell
to the ground. As she ran away, I managed to wheeze, "No need to thank me,
Madam!!!" I got up, and with my last bit of strength, I hurled the power
wedge in her general direction. It struck her in the small of her back and
she plummeted to the ground. I walked -well, limped anyway,- over to the
quivering figure on the ground. I picked up the wedge and said, "You're
WELCOME, dammit!" I heard police sirens and thought, "well, I've had enough
thanking for tonight, I wouldn't want them to think I was the hero that
saved this woman." With a yell of triumph, I returned to my beautiful
compost heap!!!
Written by: *-=ArEs=-*
Original character inspired by: DeMeNTia PRaeCoX
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