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Damned Fucking Shit Issue 55
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D a m n e d F u c k i n g S h i t
- Presents -
Issue #55
Date: 5/30/96
Title: Fuck Nate York
Author: Access Denied
Fuck Nate York
Once upon a time, there was a little peice of shit named Nate York. He
thought that he was a cool hacker. His view of being a hacker was to take a
zip bomb, or a virus, or some other menial form of destruction (well, zip
bombs are pretty menial) and to upload it to a BBS to see if he could get the
sysop to run it. What a fucker. It's people like this that we should all
look up to because they are the k-rad of the k-rad, the eleet of the eleet,
they are just so FUCKING spiffy that I think I'm about to jizz in my shorts...
... just a sec ...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
Whew.. but no pr0n in DFS so I won't go into it.
SSOOo annnyywaay ... shit, keyboard was sticky. Er, sorry... no pr0n.
Umm.. where was I? Oh, on a side note, fuck you. On another side note, you
probably didn't notice it, but I haven't published many issues of DFS lately.
Well you were all probably hoping I was dead, and, well, I think I might have
been for a while there. But fuck you all, I'm not dead. So now you have to
be subjected to more of this shit.
Anyway, back to the story about Mr. York, the k-rad or the k-rad, the eleet of
the ... well you get the point.
So anyway, one day Yorkie decides to be the k-rad kinda guy that he is and
give *ME* (yes, *ME*, Access Denied no less) a zip bomb!!! Now why in all
hell would ANYONE in their right mind want to zip bomb Paradise Lost? (my board
for all you fucks who don't know). I don't know. So it failed cuz I'm just
to k-eleet to be hit by a zip bomb. Anyway, this pissed me off. He was
fucking with sacred territory. NO ONE FUCKS WITH PARADISE LOST AND LIVES TO
TELL OF IT (well, no one except the Butcher, but that's a whole other story.)
So, I guess you're probably wondering where the blood and guts are that are
so common to DFS. Well, guess what, I was thinking that this whole blood and
guts thing is just really off the wall wackyness and someone might try to get
me in trouble for suggesting it and what-have-you. Well fuck that someone.
You're getting your blood and guts!!!!
I was really pissed at this guy. Nate was finsta get it. I found out where
the fucknut lived and went to his house. I was of course armed with only a
shotgun and a very sharp knife. So I knocked on his front door.
I wasn't expecting Nate to open it because I'm sure he was scared as fuck from
all of the mysterious calls he kept getting late the night before. So you
can't say I didn't warn him and his, might I add, very pissed off parents.
It was his mother who opened the door. She saw the shotgun and asked what I
wanted. I said quite plainly that I wanted her, her husband, and any children
of theirs dead and chopped into little peices in front of me. She laughed and
promptly kicked me in the balls. This was kinda a bad thing to do. See I
forgot to mention that I had a chest mounted small explosive launcher hooked
up to a pressue sensitive jock strap. My shirt parted and out came a small
packet of, well, to put it simply, pain.
This was designed not to kill, right away that is. It's main intention was
pain. Lots of pain. I laughed as her lower abdomen exploded into a fine mist
of blood, stomach acid, and guts. Hah!!! Of course this was the highlight
of my day so far. Also the dog's. Small chunks of her intestines flew
backwards and splattered in a yellow and red pattern against the wall behind
her. The dog smelled food and quickly began licking up the mess. I'd deal
with him later. The mess is for me!!!
Nate's mom's legs were still connected at the hips and they fell over to the
side. The top of her body plopped down, luckily on her back. She was still
alive, barely, but that's all that counted. I reached into my back pack and
pulled out a handfull of salt. This I tossed into her gaping abdomen. She
was hardly responding to anything at this time. She just had a blank look on
her face, a look of shock. The salt caused a ripple of pain to wash over her
face but that was about it. This was no fun anymore so I took the shotgun and
promptly blew her head into a slimy pile of brain and bone. As her flesh tore
away from the bone, a though I saw a smile forming on her face. It was funny,
I guess she liked it.
The dog ran over and began gnawing on parts of her tan colored brain. This
was annoying because the brain is one of the best parts. So I had to deal
with the dog.
This of course was no ordinary dog. Like Nate York would have an ordinary
dog. This little mangy peice of shit was just sitting there lapping up the
brains. So I grabbed the fucker by the tail and started swinging it around
the room. I was swinging so fast that the dog's eyes were buldging out of its
sockets. Suddenly without warning, the mutt's tail snapped off and he went
flying across the room and smacked into a wall. The dog left a smear of blood
down the wall as its hairy carcass slid down.
This was getting really fucking nasty, so I decided to find that bastard Nate
and show him who was boss! So I walked through his house looking for him. It
wasn't too hard to find him. The stench almost killed me. There he was in
the middle of his kitchen, in a pile of his own shit and vomit. It was really
fucking disgusting.
Nate looked at me and laughed. But it wasn't a human laugh. Oh no, for Nate
York wasn't human! I don't know what he was, but whatever it was, it liked to
eat feces. His beady red eyes stared right through me, and I heard a deep
voice say "I am Nate York! Prepare to die!"
I laughed back at the shit eater. For I knew that I would win! In his
excitement, Nate had begun eating more and more of his shit. He had become so
bloated that he couldn't move. I took my shotgun and placed it up to his
forehead. The look in his eyes was pure ecstacy. I don't even think he
realized what was about to happen. I pulled the trigger and laughed as the
explosion of blood and brains splattered onto the wall behind him and onto my
face. The brain damage must have triggred something because he let a huge fart
that rocked the entire house. It began shaking and suddenly began to collapse.
I knew I only had seconds until I was entrapped in a coffin with my buddy Nate,
so I ran as fast as I could! I made it out of the house just as it collapsed.
As I was walking home chuckling to myself, I saw Nate's father drive by, most
likely coming home from work with that slut Mary on down the street. I
laughed at what I figured his face would look like when he saw the carnage at
the place he used to call home. Hmm.. that slut sounds pretty damn nice now.
But that's for another magazine. Cuz like I said, I don't do pr0n.
Find DFS On These Fine Systems (When they're up...)
==========================================================================
| Paradise Lost +1.414.476.3181 DFS World HQ |
| Temporary Insanity +1.414.666.W00T DFS Affiliate HQ |
| Arcane Asylum +1.414.PSY.CHOS DFS Thingy HQ |
| |
| FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - /pub/Zines/DFS |
| HTTP - http://www.execpc.com/~adenied
| |
| See, it's like this. I don't call out, so I don't know if any of my |
| distros are still up. So they're all GONE! If you want to be a site |
| mail Access Denied at adenied@execpc.com or call Paradise Lost. |
| |
| ASCII Art by Incarnate |
| |
| To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS. The password is: |
| JINGLE JINGLE |
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