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Damned Fucking Shit Issue 56
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D a m n e d F u c k i n g S h i t
- Presents -
Issue #56
Date: 5/30/96
Title: Acme
Author: Dementia Praecox
Acme
[Editor's Note: This appeared on a local board one sunny afternoon. -AD]
AD> I believe it's acne... Acme is the company that makes every name brand prod
AD> in Warner Bros. cartoons (the best ones around)
Well, maybe he DID have an Acme problem, just like Wyle E. TG: were you
like.. always buying guided missles and rocket skates and things of that
nature that just kept screwing up? That happened to me. Those people at Acme
just love to screw people over, dammit. And just TRY to get a refund on the
unidentifiable, twisted and blackened shards of metal that are left over after
the explosion. DAMMIT. It's just not fair. These people at Acme are just
another of those companies that doesn't care about their consumers. All their
dealings with the USA are just in the selling department. They have NO
factories here for the assembly of their products, it's all done overseas in
either Malaysia or the United Arab Emirates (trust me, I've done the
research, dammit. I'm just fucking TIRED of turning over some radar
equipment that's strapped to a jet engine and seeing the words "Made in Abu
Dhabi, United Arab Emirates" pressed into the back of them. Their customer
service is virtually nonexistant. Their salespeople just don't give a shit
about you, unless you're buying some unimaginatively expensive item, and then
it's only because they see the chance to strap their teeth into your wallet
and leech more and more off of you for their own fat commissions. Because
once they get their teeth into you, all coagulation is lost from your credit
flow. They send you more and more catalogs regarding their products that look
SO good in the literature, but once they arrive at your house, you learn that
it's going to take you a specific socket wrench set (which you don't have and
is, of course, only sold by THEM), a course in Mongolian at your local
community college (so you can read the instuctions manual), and about 12 hours
of sweating over various small parts, fitting them together in the most
complex Rubik's Cube manner possible, to get them just to fit together and
work as they are supposed to. It's not right. They should be reported to the
Better Business Bureau immediately. In fact, I'll do that first thing
tomorrow. These are the same fatcat business-leaders of the world who have
had their teeth sunken in a vampiric embrace into our government officials for
years, always controlling, always threatening to cut off the funding if one of
their propositions falls upon deaf ears, if one of their new business dealings
is at all challenged on its way to sucking dry even more of the poor,
unknowing citizens of this country who will just go on buying products from
the company because they heard (undoubtedly from some friend who was paid BY
the company to do just that: spread the word that the product is great) that
the new Acme Combination Egg-Beater/Guillotine(c) is just the GREATEST for
those times when some prro, small vermin chances to run through the kitchen
while you're simply trying to whip up a few pankcakes for your morning
breakfast before you head on off to your job, and work like good little ants,
so that you can earn more money, so that you can buy more products, so that
you can make the executive board at some company such as the Acme Corporation
even more rich and more powerful than they already are. It's all in all, and
endless cycle, a Mobius Strip of continuous working and purchasing, working
and purchasing, that will undoubtedly go on forever (until that one afternoon,
when you're sitting and sipping hot tea, reflecting back upon all the years of
your life and all the wonderful Acme products that you've purchased and that
your whole family has come to love, even though they are dangerously unstable)
and suddenly, there's a knock upon the door. Who is it, you ask. I'll tell
you who it is, it's Mortis. Death. The Grim Reaper himself, come to collect
your soul. But you can't get into heaven. No, you've been supporting the
Acme Corporation for too long (unknowing, of course, that they are backed by
none other than Lucifer, the Father of Lies, the Lord of Pestilence. You have
been supporting evil all this time. This, in itself, is not a bad enough sin
to be committed to eternal damnation, but only to a long stay in Purgatory.
You will endlessly sit with all the other fools, talking about how great Acme
products are, while trying to work the evil out of your soul by doing menial
tasks for angels. Too bad for you. In short, the Acme company must be
stopped at all cost, even if the consumers of the United States need to
declare war on their worthless products and boycott ehm and all their
affiliates forever, on and on until the Day of Reckoning. There is clearly no
other way to rid the public of this scourge. Thank you for your time. If you
read this whole thing, instead of just seeing this huge message and scrolling
on to the next, ignorant of the dangers brought upon you and your loved ones,
you are a giant among men. If not, then you are a waste of space that
deserves the fate you have coming to you.
.dp.
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