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Damned Fucking Shit Issue 58
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D a m n e d F u c k i n g S h i t
- Presents -
Issue #58
Date: 5/30/96
Title: The Plan
Author: Dementia Praecox
The Plan
[Editor's Note: This also appeared one sunny afternoon on a local board. -AD]
VT> Blah. Anyway, let me know what you think.
Well, I think that lurking somewhere on the fifth mirror dimension of our
own (known as Ruwrock 3), there is an entire race of intelligent beings (fine,
they resemble chickens, but so what?) whose sole purpose in life is to somehow
cross over the planar boundaries and try to posess the entire human race. And
let's not even BEGIN to think that their methods are destined to be some
outright, blatant forced takeover. Oh, no, they've been planning far too long
to let THAT kind of thing happen. Absolutely not. They've been planning this
bastard for generations. It'll start out simple, undoubtedly. First, some
farm out in the middle of nowhere, where they'll posess the soul of a young
girl playing outside in the fields, going about her own business of dancing
among the daisies. They'll corrupt her like a terminal illness, turning her
innocent, childish thoughts to those of the darker sides of animal
maturbation. Then, once they've turned her into some depraved, retched sex
animal, they'll send her back to the farm, and take over the whole entire
family. But, don't think that these poor folks are of any major significance.
Their just the test group. They'll stay with just this group for a bit,
learning not only how to manipulate and use humans to perfection
, but also how
to fool everyone else, to deceive the rest of the human race. Now it's time
to put plan B in motion, the big one. This is stage two, where they take over
a corporation. Since they've been planning so long, they'll know exactly
which one is ripe for the picking for their demented, twisted plans for
bi-dimensional domination. In case you haven't guessed there is no doubt in
my mind of the one they will pick, the Quaker company. Who would suspect that
behind the eyes of the Quaker guy who stares out at them during breakfast of
oatmeal or Captain Crunch(c) of Life(c) (all flavors) lies an accursed, foul
race of beings planning to move in and take over in one giant act of
dimensional warfare? Certainly not the comfortable, sleepy citizens of the
world who have lived in too much comfort for far too long. What a ghastly
plot! For through the Quaker corporation, they'll have a direct link to all
of corporate America, and from there, the American government (seeing as how
everyone in the greater Washington D.C. metro area starts the day with a
healthy breakfast, just as Wilford Brimley instructs them to). After that,
the options are limitless! They'll spread across the Earth like some twisted
parody of Captain Trips. Virtually overnight, they'll have annihilated the
free thought of billions of people. Then they'll just move on in. Well,
that's not right! We've got to take action now, dammit. I propose that we
boycott, no, place an absolute embargo on anything and everything that has
even the most remote connection to the Quaker corporation. We'll beat those
bastards at their own game before they've even had a chance to start! We'll
really catch them with their pants around their ankles this time! No mindless
possession for me, thank you very much! And while we're at it,
I also propose
the immediate destruction of all agricutural life and anything involved with
farming. Even now, those chicken-like soulsuckers could be test-marketing
their own evil minds on the innocent country bumpkins at the corners of the
Earth. Besides, isn't it time we all modernized ourselves anyways?! I mean,
come on, LIVE on a FARM?! Isn't the city good enough for you fucking
backwoods, cousin-screwing, i.q. of 6.5 (if you're lucky) bastards?!?@! FUCK
YOU! If you choose to lead some anti-modernization movement, we'll take you
on, bitch! We'll fuckin take your asses through the wash too, so don't even
step, 'g, or I'm gonna grab my nine and pop some caps in yo' white ass.
That's what I thought, bitch. Sheeeeeeit. Peace out.
Well, that's pretty much sums up my position. later.
.dp.
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