Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Damned Fucking Shit Issue 52
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ////////////////////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ////////////////////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\' //////////////// .ao0.//////////
\\\\\\ YOOOOO000b.\\\\\ YOOOOO00000@@@@@//// dOO000@////////
\\\\\ YOOO0000@@@b\\\' YOOO00000@@@@@P// dOOO000@D//////
\\\\ OO0000@@@@@b' / OO000P///////// dOOO000@P/////
\\ O000P'\Y@@@@D/// O0000q///////// OO000@P/////
' 0000\\\\Y@@@D/// 00000@@@@@////// 000@@@@q/
Editor: 0000Q\'d@@@@D/// 0000@@@@@P//////// @@@@@@@.
Access Denied 000@@@@@@@@P'/// 000@@P//////////// .d@@@@@D X Marks The
d00@@@@@@@P'//// d00@@@a///////// d@@@@@@@@@' Shit
d00@@@@@@P'///// d00@@@@@@//////// @@@@@@@@'
///////////////////////////////\ Y@@@@'
///////////////////////////////\\\\ Y@'\\\\
///////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
///////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
///////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
///////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
/////////////////////////////// \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
D a m n e d F u c k i n g S h i t
- Presents -
Issue #52
Date: 7/19/95
Title: An Interesting Conversation
Author: Anonymous
* The following is a conversation that recently occurred between two
people who would rather remain anonymous, because they pheer narqs.
Everything marked with *'s has been blacked out in order to protect the
innocent. We join the conversation in the middle of it, because the first
part wasn't very interesting. Anyways, enjoy.
8:14 pm *** Jul **, 1995
-----------------------------
eye saw uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. oh.. I told you that, nevermind.. hmm..
Two nights ago, `Phantasm ][' was on channel 7 at 3:00am. It roqed even
more than usual. Eye love that movie.
was uhh.. that guy in it. the one with the awesome name <that escapes me>
Angus Scrimm!%@^&%#@... Yep. "The Tall man". He r00lz.
he doz. bigtymes
Yep. Hey, on a completely different note, guess who died on July 4th?
ummmmmmmmmmmm... ****?
Yew only wish.. ;). gno, that Bob Ross guy. "A little bit of color.."
<whooooooooooooosh>.. sound of reference flying over ****'s head.
I didn't think you'd know. He's that TV artist guy, with the fro.
eleete. wow. hey.. on a completely different but related subject..
****/*****, was hanging out at a Skatepark in Chicago, and met a guy who was
good friends with ****, who ran ********* ******.. who evidentally hung
himself over newyears.
w0w, can't say I ever heard of him beyond yer ******* *********.. ;). W0w.
Hanging would be a shitty way to kill yerself. I'd have to go a gun, myself,
preferably a large caliber shotgun.
or going to sleep with the car on in the garage wouldn't be too bad either.
not hanging.. umm.. not burning either <eeeeechhck>.. big gun to head.. but
going to sleep would be best.
Yeah, but I think I'd find it kind of hard to fall asleep.. ;). Until I
like.. died. ehehe. Hmmmm.. slitting your wrists would also suck. I don't
see why people do these things so stupidly.. Hmmmm.
yeah.. definitely. the whole garage thing is cool because the Carbon Monoxide
knocks you out.. so.. you WILL fall asleep ;)
Ah. I was unaware, I thought you'd just die. Hmmmmmm. Ah well. Yeah, that
would probably be best. Even like.. poisoning yerself has got to involve
some pain. Especially if you use like.. Drano.. <grin>..
cleans you out, but leaves you feeling all hollow inside. there are some
poisons that might be alright.. but you'd really have to PLAN the hell out of
your suicide to get ahold of them. not something most people do.
Yep... Hmm.. most people a little distraught at that point... ;). Hmmmmm.
Maybe that guy hung himself because he had nothing to do once his board went
down.. ;). Hmmmm.. I don't think that'd happen to me tho'. Maybe like.. I
dunno.. **** ***** or something.
nah.. not even ****. someone like Bob Mahoney would really be in a bad
position.
Yeah, true. Hmmmmm.. Maybe *******. He'd have no more dorqs to talk to
24/7.. ;)
yeah.. probably. hrmm. not most other people tho. they'd be more like 'wow..
I have lots of time now.. I think I'll go do something worthwhile'.
Maybe I'll take down my board.. and then like.. go kill ***. That'd be a
worthwhile cause.. ;)
I suppose. you could disguise yourself as a black guy.. jump through his
window, yell 'Yous dead yall' at the top of your lungs, stab him 12 times,
and then jump out the window.
Hey.. that's perfect.. ;). ehehe. I like the quote.. bah... Yeah.. It's all
falling into place. Hmmmm. But I wish we had a copy of "**********" so I
could like.. play it outside his window for a bit first.. ehehe.
You would go down in history as 'The ********** Murderer'.. and your case
would remain open for years to come.
Yeah. Then there's be all sorts of Investigative Reports shows doing
editions about me. ;). Wow, I bet that would start a lot of message
discussions on local boards too. All the kewlie people on one side, vs. all
the dorqs.. ;)
I would become a Professional Thesbian and play you on 'A Current Affair'.
Yeah.. <grin>.. & I could like, watch it and say.. "These lesbians don't even
look like those guys".. <grin>. Ah, Imagination is so fun.
"Ha-Ha, Bill, we'd better stab him to death and jump out the window, after
starting *** *** *** on his computer, so it will play our themesong Ha-Ha'.
yeah. blah. I miss that song too. And ********. Do you know if *** has a
copy?
_________________________________________________________________
* (At this point, the talk became too horrid for the likes of you. We
will resume at a later point in the conversation...)
__________________________________________________________________
Yep. Well. blah. I dunno. I like double spaces after a period. That's
all I can think of to say.
that's great man. yawn. hmm. *** is kewlie. but would be more interesting if
it worked right all the time. I need a release copy. perhaps I should call a
zero-day warez board... instead I think I'll just sit here and pick my nose,
as it requires less labor.
Good idea. In the meantime, I'll invest overseas. ;)
sounds like a plan. hmm. Perhaps I'll volunteer in some helpful worldwide
organization, and go to Menjahamut Betlassieat and teach the diseased
children there the beauties of the BBS scene.
Good idea. I'll go to Burkina Fasso & set up a big warez board. I'm sure
I'll get lots of calls from starving children in the local AC. Then we can
discuss how gay *** is.
good plan. or maybe we could each build a fortress on either side of the
village... and propel meat and vegetables over the heads of the starving
people to each other.
Now THERE'S an idea. Wow, that's pretty good. Hmmmmm. And we can just
like.. shout across the village about how we couldn't eat another bite, and
we have all this excess food.. But We'll just give it to the dogs. <grin>
we'd need to be careful not to walk the dogs. or walk ourselves. I think both
might be eaten by a passer-by.
yeah. Maybe build an underground tunnel system or something. Keep them damn
starving people away. "NO!#@* I don't have 70 cents a day, get off my
ass!*#@"
exactly. how the Master Plan begins to form. then we could setup big speakers
on each fortress, and big receiving dishes, and send warez back and forth by
playing the connect and handshake tones really loudly to each other, as well
as discussing how Gay *** is.. except discussing it in Mahamutian, so he
would never know.
Yeah, Hmmm.. but what if some starving dorq staggers into the transfer area?
We'd have to use Zmodem to make sure it was resumeable. And another idea
would be to invite *** himself to come out, then feed him a lot.. then talk
about how he's taking food home that's secretly shoved up his ass or
something over the speakers, and then throw him over the wall.
wow, that sounds awesome. really far up his ass. he wouldn't want to lose it
during the trip.
Good call.. ehehe. ah. Well, this sure has been an interesting
conversation, but my fingers are numbing. bah.
bummer. that's air-conditioning for ya. unhealthy stuff. mine are nice and
waaaaaarm, because me house is at natural room temperature.. which is not too
hot to sit in a leather chair in long pants. hohoho. how cool and
comfortable I am.
Wow. How I envy you. The other day I could have been wearing a winter coat
in my house & still have been kinda cool. That's central air for you.
Hmmmmm.. Maybe we should just throw away the A/C.
I think so. think of the savings on your power bills. think of how many
starving children would fit into the place where your A/C used to be. ahh. it
is so comfortable here. and when it gets too hot. I go to work at a place
which is naturally, and biodegradably conditioned.
Good for you. Doing something for the environment *AND* for the starving.
Hmmmm.. how many children are shoved down the laundry chute, anyways?
evidentally a large number. my dirty clothes never seems to make it's way to
the laundry hamper.
Well, could be like.. a big.. mongoose or something that lives in the middle
of the chute, and eats some of the laundry each time. I'd call the
exterminators.
I'll call the Orkin Man.. so eye can watch him zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppp the shit
out of that dirty mongoose.
Good idea. I luv how he's a big machine/weaponry clad guy at first, then
turns into some dorq in a white hat. Quite a guy. Hmmmmm. But if you start
getting snakes all over your house, be sure to get the mongoose replaced.
I suppose. you know those King Cobras can just come out of anywhere, as
common as those things that aren't centipedes. hmmm. well, I suppose it would
just be an addition to the Snipe living in my bathroom.. hiding from all
those people hunting them.
Yeah, I saw it. Nice little guy. I keep a weasel & a wolverine in my
underwear drawer.
I did for awhile, but the feces got annoying.. as well as the fact that the
wolverine would rip my arm off each time I'd need some clean underwear..
which of course would mean the underwear would be all nasty and bloody..
plus I don't have an underwear drawer, which might have also hampered
things.
Yeah, well.. I could see the wolverine-in-the-closet scenario, seeing as how
you keep all those knives all over the place... Hmmmm.. Maybe you could get a
meshed metal glove to wear for getting new clothes.
perhaps. is that what you do? not a bad idea. I dunno.. I just got rid of
them completely a few months ago. now I have a Kodiak bear in there.
Ah. well, they're good protectors, I'll say that for them. Although they d
do get a little hungry when there's nothing to eat in there. I like to throw
in some berries + a bloodied carcass for the grizzly that I have. Sure,
there not AS threatening, but they do work.
yeah, they do well at the whole stare-tactic thing.. you know.. robber breaks
into house, goes for underwear closet.. sees 6-foot angry beast. works well.
I heard that bears eat lots of honey.. so I just beat the hell out of mine
with a big bees nest I keep on a stick.. just seems to piss him off tho.
lately he's taken to eating all the coat hangers. uncool. no place to hang my
coats. not that I have any.
Yeah. That can be nasty on their digestive system too. Hmmmm. Feces all
twisted & sharp.. bah. I don't envy him that. For real security, I have a
pack of wolves that roams my room when I'm asleep. They make a lot of noise,
but I figure, What the hell, I'm not being robbed, right?.
good point. I'd read about the whole pack-of-wolves thing,.. nice idea, but
mighty expensive. I mean... I hope you don't have carpet, all that roaming
really does a job on it. there are some industry magazines that recently
rates the plusses and minusses of the system. I think I'm going to go for the
electronic motion-detecting sounds-like-a-pack-of-wolves-roaming device for
only $49.99. hey.. it might keep my awake, but it's a serious deterrent, what
with all the people who own real wolfpacks.
Well, I can see your point. I dunno, I was going to get rid of them after
about a month, because they were really bringing down the resale value of our
house. But they grow on you, ya know? Hmmmm. Mating season rolled around &
there were more. Maybe I'll start giving wolves to people as Christmas
presents. They're getting a little expensive to feed, I've got to have two
or three deer set loose in the house now instead of just one a day. And
forget having anything fragile survive once the chase starts. But, I dunno.
They're really friendly to me now. And I don't want to give them up for some
electric Almost-a-wolfpack-but-really-not thing.
understandable. if I had already bought the wolfpack.. I think I'd stick with
it. I mean.. there are ways to make money off of it as well.. I have friends
who get called regularly by those Time-Life people who want to do specials on
the ferocity of wolves, etc. but.. hey.. since I'm making the initial
investment, I think I'll go for the low-end, I just don't have the cash now,
you know? As for the christmas present idea.. sounds great. you could put
them in little jars and tie bows around the lids, and send them off to
distant friends. really sweet.
See that's what I was thinking. I don't get to see many people any more,
since the pack is pretty protective of me. Geez, when the cable guy came out
they ripped him apart. No fixed cable, but I didn't have to feed them that
day. Hmmmm. The only problem is that they hate the wolverine. But, on the
other hand, what DOESN'T hate wolverines? There pretty much the assholes of
the animal world. So, I'll probably have to get rid of the wolverine. Maybe
I could just feed it to the pack. Then, I'd probably have 1 or 2 less
wolves in the bargain. Seems like the best route to me.
I suppose. the whole thing has to put a real stop to dating life tho, so that
must suck. if you're convinced about the whole wolverine thing, I'll take him
off your hands for a cheap price.. I think I had some thieves coming up my
toilet the other day, and I'd like to have that avenue covered.. But to tell
you the truth, I'd say keep him. I mean.. look at it this way, nobody fucks
with your underwear.
True. Hmmmm. And the only time they ever see each other is when I open the
drawer. So, I suppose that would be doable. Hmmmmm. Interesting point.
But, I think I WILL get rid of the grizzly. It's getting on in years, and
I'd sleep better knowing that it was roaming free than if it was still shut
in my closet.
Yeah, I can see that. I'd also sleep better knowing my Kodiak isn't going to
come out of my closet, rip my head off, and consume me.. but hey, it's a
trade-off, you know? Then again.. I'd have to say, for the grizzly, that it's
easier to make a new one than to fix the old one. not much can be done. maybe
give him to the humane society or something. someone out there is probably
WAITING to adopt a 6' grizzly bear.
Hmmm.. yeah, some little girl probably. Cries herself to sleep every night
that she's without a grizzly. Hmmm. good idea. Hmmmm. I had that whole
"fear" problem with the pack for the 1st couple months too. I can't tell you
how many times I woke up with a.. Wolf's teeth gripping either side of my
neck. And I'm missing a few toes. But now we seem to understand each other.
I think in the end it was worth it.
Yeah, but look at it from my standpoint.. I mean, you feed your wolves them
deer nightly, right? I beat the shit out of my bear with that bee's nest, but
he still won't fucking eat. It's really gotten to bothering me. The bees can
piss one off too.. but hey, if it's what he eats, I'll have only the
freshest. I'm wondering if maybe he's depressed about something, and I should
get him some Prozak or something. perhaps, later on down the line, if thing
deteriorate.
Hmmmmmm. Yeah, I forgot about that whole thing. Well, maybe he has an
eating disorder.. & thinks he's just too fat or something. I dunno. You'd
think he'd just eat the damn honey. <sigh>. well, Hmmmmm. You might want
to call the humane society yourself, or maybe a pet store, and ask why he's
not eating..
Naah, I think you hit it on the head.. it's got to be that dietary thing.
Besides, what does the Humane Society know about animals anyways, am I right?
So.. tomorrow, I'll go to the store, buy a couple hundred gallons of
SLIM-FAST and a fire house, and see if that works out any better.
Now there's an idea. Well, I'm glad we could work out this little problem
without professional help. I do so hate to involve other people in my
problems. Hmm. Well, c'est la vie.
Yeah.. them professionals just don't know shit. I mean.. they actually tried
to tell ME that it was bad to hold the snipe under water for more than a
minute.. I mean, you can SEE the little guy loves it by the way he squirms,
and then vomits afterwards. What do those 'professionals' need, a slap in the
face? Anyways.. thanks a lot for the input, I think you've saved me a lot of
time/money.
no problem. blah. Well, I'm gonna get going then. Laterz.
Later man, nice talking with you.
Ditto. bye.
Find DFS On These Fine Systems (When they're up...)
==========================================================================
| Paradise Lost +1.414.476.3181 DFS World HQ |
| Temporary Insanity +1.414.666.WHEE DFS Affiliate HQ |
| Arcane Asylum +1.414.PSY.CHOS DFS Thingy HQ |
| Arrested Development +31.77.547477 DFS European HQ |
| |
| FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - /pub/Zines/DFS |
| |
| I've dropped all the other distros cuz I don't know if they're up |
| anymore. If you are a distro and you're not listed, or you want to be |
| a distro, mail adenied@earth.execpc.com and tell me. Also if you |
| have any comments, questions, or concerns mail them there! |
| |
| ASCII Art by Incarnate |
| |
| To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS. The password is: |
| JINGLE JINGLE |
==========================================================================
