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Cyber Phuck Magazine 5
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þþþ CYBER_PHUCK MAGAZINE ISSUE FIVE þþþ
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This is issue FIVE of CYBER_PHUCK Magazine. I hope you enjoy it.
1. How Wine Is Made And How To Make Your Own!
2. How To Sucker Punch Somebody And Get Away With It.
3. How To Make Cookies and Other Baked Goods Out of WORMS!
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How Wine is Made and How To Make Your own
Damage Inc.
Cyber BBS 513-863-0447
Red wine is made from Red Purple and Blue grapes.
White wine is made from green grapes.
Wine can be made from any sugary fruit, honey, or sugar water (kool aid).
The grapes are picked by illegal immigrants. They are put in giant
hoppers and smashed. Red grapes are smashed into juice with a lot of
the pulp and stems still floating in it. White grapes are smashed and
the pulp and stems are strained away so the wine will be clearer. The
stems and seeds and skins from red grapes give red wines it's woody and
bitter taste. Storing wine in wooden barrels also ads to it's woody taste.
The juice is pastuerized. This kills naturally occuring yeast but also
kills bacteria. In ancient times, the naturally occuring yeast on the
grape skins provided the yeast that caused it to ferment, but sometimes
bacteria (also on the skins etc) got into the wine. Bacteria in the wine
will make it taste like vinegar YECH!. Pasturizing is a technique invented
by Louis (louie) Pasture who discoved that quickly passing the fresh juice
over hot metal plates killed the vinegar bacteria.
After the juice cools, special super-duper wine yeasts are added.
Different yeast give different tastes to wines. Some yeast work better
at different temperatures than others. Some yeasts can survive in wine
with higher alcohol levels before the alcohol kills the yeast. Champagne
yeast can stand very high alcohol levels but tastes nasty. The juice
bubbles when it's fermenting and gives off C-O2. This gas will explode
if you let it build up. Special traps are used to vent the wine by allowing
gas to escape the fermentaton chambers but not allowing dusty bacteria
laced air to enter the fermentation vessles.
The yeast bacteria or mold or whatever they are, eat sugar and shit
alcohol. When the sugar runs out, or the alcohol levels get too high
and kill the yeast. Fermentation stops.
Fermentation is measured with a Hydrometer. A hydrometer is a glass tube
sealed on both ends that floats in wine. It looks like a big ass rectal
thermometer for a horse but doesn't have anything inside it but a paper
with numbers on it.
The hydromter floats in the juice. When the sugar is convereted into
alchohol, the "specific gravity" of the juice/wine changes. Basically
the surface tension of the wine/juice changes so that the hydrometer
floats deeper or less deep in the juice depending on the ratios of sugar
to alcohol in the wine.
Sweet wines have so much sugar in the juice that it didn't get all converted
into alcohol before the yeast quit working because the alcohol level
killed the yeast. Sweet wines are good dessert wines or non-grape fruit
wines.
Dry wines had just enough sugar in them to produce about 12 % alcohol before
the yeast quit working because there was no sugar left to convert into
alcohol. Dry wines are good for dinner wines. Red wines are good with
spicey food, and white wines are good with other foods.
The wines are stored in giant tanks and wooden barrels. White oak is the
wood of choice for storing wines. It ads a wood taste to the wine and
which is known as "tannic acid". Storage in giant tanks and barrels also
allow the sediment in wine to sink to the bottom or float on the top so
that only the most clear wine can be taking out from the barrels for
longer storage and bottling.
WINE TASTING.
Wine tasting is fun and educational. Be aware that if they are trying to
sell you cheap bad wine, that they will serve cheese with the wine. If the
wine is excellent killer shit, they will serve bread with it. Cheese
covers the taste of wine, while bread compliments it.
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OPENING WINE BOTTLES.
Most good wines have corks. However some good Italian dinner wines are
screw top so don't be fooled thinking they're not good. Corkscrews are
a bitch and you need a really fancy one to keep from destroying the cork
and having it fall into the wine. The BEST cork remover isn't a cork
screw at all! For about 2 or 3 $ you can get a really good cork remover
that works great and impresses your friends. They have a handle on top,
and two flat pieces of metal that slide down along side opposide sides of
the cork and then you twist the cork out real neat like.
************
************
| |
| | actual size
| |
| | <----------knife flat metal things
| | push into wine bottle with
| | a rocking motion SLOWLY. The
prongs should be kept clean and
slippery. Clean them with a metal
pad so they are slick!
1. Clean the knife like prongs on the thing with a green scrub
pad so that they're spotless and slippery.
2. SLOWLY ease the prongs into the bottle lightly rocking the
tool back and forth, pushing one probe then the other then the other
then the other back and forth deeper and deeper into the bottle
along the cork.
3. Then TWIST and pull at the same time.
4. Right before the cork is all the way out, hold the prongs with your
finger so they don't chip the bottle when the ends of them come out.
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The best way to learn about good wines is to ask to try different ones
from different countries and tell them you don't want to spend more than
10$ a bottle. If they know this you'll end up with some costing between
8 and 12 bucks a bottle. Go to a shop that specializes in wines. If they
try to tell you to buy anything more than 12 bucks, please tell them to
stick a cork screw up their ass.
********************
IF YOU WANT TO MAKE YOUR OWN WINE.
Go to a shop that specializes in that. You can improvize a lot of equipment
though so the first thing you should do is look at a number of books. For
each batch of wine, you should use a recipe. You'll need to buy yeast from
a supplier. Espernay or MountRachet is good yeast. Champagne yeast tastes
like shit. Bread yeast from the grocery will ruin your wine. Try making
wine out of juices from the grocery, and yeasts from a wine making shop.
Sweet wines are fun to make. Cherry and cranberry juice makes some fun
wines. You don't have to age wines like this and if you drink some of the
wine before it's fully fermented it's kind of fizzy and contains TONS of
B vitamins and is happier tasting than ANY you can buy. A hydrometer is
good to have, and a thermometer is good to have but not as necessary. Don't
go crazy trying to figure out the hydrometer. Keep it fun, and learn to
use your taste to make wine. Large plastic 5 gallon jugs are the best with
special taps near the bottoms so you can let the sediments settle and tap
the wine just above that. If you have a lot of wine fermented already,
you can stick the whole container in the freezer and stir it every half
hour or so until it's frozen into a slush. Then strain or drain the fluid
part off leaving the ice behind. The liquid you drain off will contain
a LOT more alcohol than the original stuff. This is how apple jack is made
from apple wine.
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How To Sucker Punch Somebody
Cyber BBS 513-863-0447
Damage Inc.
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CAUTION! SOME OF THE FOLLOWING TECHNIQUES CAN CAUSE DEATH AND PERMANENT
INJURY IF PROPERLY CARRIED-OUT. If you use the following technique
on anybody, Damage Inc is not responsible. Remember that Jeffrey Dahmer
was a very good killer and openly admitted his guilt, while O.J. Simpson
didn't have the balls to admit to his deeds. These techniques should
only be used when you are faced with fear of loosing your life or fear
of loss of life or limb of somebody in your family.
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1. State of mind is important in the sucker punch more than any other
detail. The blow to the opponent (who will be refered to as "victim"
from now on) must be a complete surprise to achive maximum effect.
Rules and principles of psychology, misdirection, and being a tricky
unpredictable bastard apply.
2. The Elbow: The Elbow is your most powerful weapon. The elbow should
be bent and the blow executed from behind the victim solidly again his
head between the ear and the eye. This also works is the person is
standing aside you. A good technique is to ask the victim permission
to talk to them aside from other people or in a different area. Asking
their permission makes them feel like they're dominant. As soon as they
think they're in charge and turn to walk with you, bash them hard and
repeatedly. When they hit the ground you may choose to kick them in
the back. The spinal area is the most effective area to apply blows to.
The human body is designed to greet violent blows from the front. Avoid
hitting anybody from their front.
3. When you make solid contact with the elbow blow, or any blow, continue
to keep hitting again and again and again. Do not permit them a chance
to fight back because they're likely to be really pissed off. The initial
blow to the side of the head injures the ear, the vision, the balance
and sometimes the ability of the colon and blatter to hold waste. It
is likely to cause unconsciousness and serious damage.
4. Maintain Balance at all times. Do not bend over. Keep your feet spread
wide. Boots are a great weapon in a fight, probably of a great advantage
than a knife.
5. Speed is your greatest friend. After a blow the victim is off balance
for a undetermined amount of time. And so are his friends. The quicker
you put him down the quicker you can defend yourself.
6. The sucker punch should always be directed and completed against the
victims head, for maximum success and quick and complete knock down.
You should kill or incapacitate the victim before their body has a chance
to go into an automatic fighting mode, when they might not feel pain
as readily.
7. Leave the area quickly. If you feel that the police will become involved
ALWAYS contact a lawyer before speaking or going to the police. Do not
go to your home. Police are stupid and will probably want to book you
for murder even though it was clearly self defense. The sucker punch
as self defence is much better defense than if you kill or injury
with any weapon especially a gun or knife. If you have any of these,
guns or knives, dispose of them and NEVER acknowledge ownership of any
such device. A deep river or lake is an ideal disposal area. Tell the
police (WITH YOUR LAWYER PRESENT) that you remember feeling that you
were going to loose your life, and then you don't remember anything after
that. Fear causes more loose of memory than anger.
8. PEE YOUR PANTS! If police ask why you were mad, tell them you NOT MAD
AND THAT YOU WERE SO SCARED THAT YOU PISSED YOUR PANTS. Angry people
don't piss their pants but scared people do. Pee your pants before the
police get to you. They play the game every day are have the advantge
so you have to mainpulate things some yourself. When the police search
your room for weapons and drugs and stuff, it will help if they find
soiled clothing on the bed in a plastic bag where they can't miss it.
And the plastic bag will make it easy for them to take it as evidence
without being repulsed so much that they just leave it.
8. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE!!! Consider what will happen if they duck
at the last moment. A broken glass bottle is a better weapon than
a knife. A stun gun is a defense weapon unlike a handgun. If you hold
a knife or glass bottle in a fight,, do NOT hold it like in the movies.
Hold it in your fist with the blade pointed DOWN, as if you were going
to stick the knife in a table. This is much better for fighting than
holding it like a girl in a movie. A kick won't dislodge it and any
blows against your opponent will cut the shit out of them.
9. Remember that the only defense is "self defense" and if you pee your
pants it indicates fear, while the police, the judge, the jury and
everybody has tons of expereience in making you look guilty even though
you aren't. It's like when rape victims go to trial and end up being
on trial. You make feel silly with soiled pants, but you'd look sillier
getting fucked in the ass in prison just because you didn't want to die
at the hands of some psycho.
10. If you in a place where an altercation takes place. Be prepared to
ask yourself, "what were you doing there".
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How to make bread and cookies out of worms.
DAMAGE INC!
Cyber BBS 513-863-0447
1. GET SOME WORMS, regular ones work good. You can raise them in
old cardboard and dirt. Of you can run electricity through wet
dirt and they come a crawling out.
2. WASH THEM OFF with lots of water in a strainer in the sink.
3. BAKE AT 350f in a shallow pan until they are crispy but not burned.
4. GRIND IN A BLENDER. Add yeast and baking powder making bread just
like with regular flour except your flour is made from dried and
ground-up worms. Yummy!
5. -OR- Using a COOKIE RECIPE and the worm flour as a substitute
for regular wheat flour makes some good cookies too!
6. Take your worm baked goods to school or work and tell all the people
you hate, that you're on a diet but you love to cook. This stuff is
supposed to be as good or better for folks than wheat flour. Some good
dips can be made from pet food, but we'll go into that in the next issue.
(name of author not given for odvious reasons!)
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I hope you enjoyed issue five of CYBER_PHUCK Magazine. If you have
questions, comments, suggestions, contributions -monitary or literary-
send 'em to the head chef at tline@iglou.com or call the Cyber BBS
at 513-863-0447. Happy Christmas to you.
Tom Line
Head Chef
Damage Inc Ohio
tline@iglou.com
cyber bbs 513-863-0447 USA
