Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Damned Fucking Shit Issue 27
DDDDD FFFFFFFFF SSSSSS
D D FF S
D D FFFFF S
D D FF SSSSSS
D D FF S
DDDDD FFFF SSSSSSS
(ASCii By AD!)
Damned Fucking Shit
Issue #27
Title: On iCE Two - The Return
Date: 6/7/94
By: Dementia Praecox
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On iCE Two - The Return
by Dementia Praecox
... The rumble of the engine. The `hiss' of the air brakes.
Midday traffic. Yep, I really fucking love being a bus driver.
Or, I did.
The last few weeks have been a jumble of good days, and days
not worth a fucking shit. The shit part was, I lost my last job,
ice cream truck driver. Because of a fucking dent! At least they
didn't ever realize that the dent is in the shape of a young boy's
head. Oh, I see the posters, "Missing since... ". No, not
missing. I know right were all those little fucks are currently
residing. Six feet under my backyard. At least I quickly found
another job, though. Bus driver. I did like it for awhile. But
now I'm starting to fucking despise all the assholes on the route.
"Let me off at 64th street!"
"Slow down!"
"It's too hot!"
"Stop here!"
Shut the FUCK UP! Jesus Christ! Isn't there any way to get
a job where you get some respect? A little common fucking
courtesy?!? I just can't take this shit anymore. Today, I decided
to have some fun. I brought the shotgun. It's leaning against my
seat, on the far side, where no one can see it. Yet.
The first passengers to get on seem like they're okay, which
is a major fucking surprise. Then the bus starts moving, and a
little later, the demands start.
A man approaches the front of the bus, and asks me to stop at
the next street. Bullshit.
"Sit down, we're going for a ride."
"But..." the son of a bitch stammers.
The shotgun virtually jumps into my hand. The stock presses
against my shoulder, and I feel the cold touch of the trigger on
the back of my finger. I swivel around, and point the barrel at
his chest.
"Sit the FUCK down!" I scream at the man, my face contorting
in my rage.
The man just stands there, his mouth hanging open in
amazement. He glances from me, to the gun, to himself, then back
again. Seeing that he's not moving, I encourage him by pulling
back on the trigger.
A dull roar echoes from the gun. A rather large hole appears
in his chest area. His insides appear all over the wall behind
him, and also on an old lady sitting behind him. The man falls
over onto the floor, clutching his chest, the look of amazement
still on his face as he dies. And then the screams begin from the
other passengers. If there's one thing I fucking hate, it's
screaming.
"Shut up!" I yell.
The noise doesn't stop, but something else has already
captures my attention. It's the old woman in the second row,
covered with blood and digestive tract.
For the last few seconds, she had just been sitting, and
staring in horror at the "atrocities" occurring in front of her.
The bitch hardly fucking moved. Finally, she began inhaling once
again. But then, she stopped suddenly. She began to clutch at her
chest frantically. "Holy Shit!" I thought, "She's having a heart
attack!". This struck me as funny, and I began laughing. Slowly
at first, then it came pouring out. I was laughing harder and
harder. She looked at me in horror, then sank to the floor. Her
struggles finally ceased.
The laughter kept going for awhile, then slowly wound down.
Fuck, I haven't felt this good since that day in the ice cream
truck!
I turned back to the road, and messed with the controls to
make sure that no one could leave through the back door of the bus.
They had to come up front to leave. But, I don't think any of them
were too goddamned eager to do that. They were all huddling in the
back, practically shitting in their fucking pants. Those were a
few scared motherfuckers.
I squinted through the windshield, and saw that there were
some people waiting to get on the bus at the next bus stop.
Wouldn't these bastards be in for a surprise?!
As I drew closer to the bus stop, I didn't slow down. Seeing
this, the people at the bus stop began to wave and yell for me to
stop and get them. Fucking assholes. Little did they know that,
although I was going to get them, I wasn't going to stop.
I was getting closer and closer to the stop. By now, they
were pissed off. They were yelling things at me, and giving me the
finger. I turned the wheel of the bus a little toward the right.
THUD! The bus jumped the curb. From the sidewalk, the screams
began. Too bad, stupid fucks.
Some of them tried to run. Some of them just stood, frozen in
place in their terror. The ones trying to run got as far as one
step, but they were far too late. About three tons of machine
crashed into about nine hundred pounds worth of people. There was
first a loud "SMACK!", as the people hit the front of the bus like
flies hitting the windshield of a car. The, there was a sickening
"CRUNCH!", as their bones were crushed under the spinning tires of
death.
I fought with the fucking wheel to keep control as I removed
the breath of life from all of the people at once. Once I passed
by them, I slowed to a stop. Looking back, I saw nothing moving.
Taught those fuckheads a lesson.
Hmm.. What now? Well, I was in the mood for a little more
fucking destruction. I picked up the shotgun and walked back to
where the five or six surviving original passengers were cowering
in fear.
"Get the fuck up, you pieces of shit!" I yelled.
I made them stand up, and then escorted them (with the
assistance of the shotgun) to the back of the bus. They got to
stand in what was left of the people who had formerly been waiting
for the bus. Lucky them! Once they were lined up, I started
shooting.
A total of five shots rang out, one shot in the legs for each
of the assholes. Just so they couldn't go anywhere. They screamed
in agony and fell to the ground as the small pieces of metal found
their marks, and robbed them of the ability to walk.
I went back to the bus and hopped in, whistling a cheery toon
as I went. The empty shotgun clattered to the floor as I released
it from my grip. Easing into the seat, I started up the bus, and
then shifted into "Reverse". There was a "THUD!", as I slammed the
gas pedal down to the floor.
The last of the fuckers died as the bus crushed them like
bugs. Some of them had been trying to crawl away. Idiots.
"Today was a fairly decent day...". I thought to myself. I
now feel much better about my job, having taught a lesson to a few
lousy pieces of shit. I have... a more positive outlook on life.
I managed to scrape all of them up off the pavement, and then
loaded them up into the bus. Finally, I was headed for home.
Shit, the bus would need one hell of a fucking scrub down tonight..
Find DFS On These Fine Systems
==========================================================================
| Paradise Lost +1.414.476.3181 DFS World HQ |
| Temporary Insanity +1.ITS.NOW.DOWN DFS Affiliate HQ |
| Plan 9 Information Archives +1.716.881.FONE (3663) DFS Southern HQ |
| Under World Element +1.203.740.9571 DFS Eastern HQ |
| 7th Heaven +1.216.464.6789 DFS Affiliate |
| Twilight Of The Idols +1.613.226.3386 DFS Canada HQ |
| |
| AE - Plan 9 Information Archives - Login: DFS |
| FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - /pub/Zines/DFS |
| IRC - #DFS (Whenever Access Denied or Incarnate is on) |
| |
| To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS. The password is: |
| JINGLE JINGLE |
==========================================================================
