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Damned Fucking Shit Issue 08
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Damned Fucking Shit
Edited by Access Denied
Issue #8
Title: My Cordless Fone
Date: 10/26/93
By: Access Denied
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My Cordless Fone
Ok. I hate my cordless fone. I HATE IT. HATE HATE HATE HATE
HATE HATE HATE HATE. Ok. Now you probably want to know why I hate
it. Too bad. This issue of DFS is over. WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF
A DOWNLOAD YOU STUPID FOOL! Oh... never mind... sorry, wrong
issue. <But it was still a waste of a download..> Anyway... on
with the 'zine....
Ok. "WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR CORDLESS TELEFONE ACCESS DENIED?!?"
you probably just asked. Ok.. I'll tell you. IT SUCKS! That's
why! HAHAHA. Ok ok... to the point you are saying.... ok...
Ok. <If you are a good thinker, you'll realize that I'm
probably going to start every paragraph with an "Ok." (Greets to
Jeeb.)> Anyway...
Ok. ARGH. Ok. Let's start over. I have a... well, I should
say my family has a cordless fone. And it's a piece of CRAP.
First of all, the batteries only last like two hours. And people
forget to hang it up and the batteries just DIE. And of course
people find the most wonderful hiding places for it (like under the
couch) so you can't even find the damn thing when someone calls.
ARGH again!!!!!!! But that's nothing. Oh, of course it gets all
messed up when the batteries are low, but that's nothing compared
to this:
Ok. Whenever the neighbors across the alley use their fone,
I get to hear something like "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
SCRONCH RRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
WONK WONK WONK WONK REEEEEEEEEEEEEE REEEEEEEEEEE WONK WONK WONK
WONK" etc. This goes on until they hang up. This is the
interference they are causing. <Duh.> As it happens, only OUR
fone picks it up. They don't pick up ours. ARGH. So I'll be
talking with, say Incarnate, and we get to hear the conversation of
these two GIMPS in the background, but it's all messed up so it
sounds like they're in total excruciating pain (boy, I wish!). I
HATE IT! And sometimes if you're lucky, you'll get disconnected
too. But there is some good to this...
Ok. <I told you..... hi Jeeb> The good thing is this. If I
unplug the part you hang up the fone on from the wall, the fone
will pick up what these idiots are saying perfectly. And they
can't hear a thing I'm saying either. Very nice. I love hearing
about how much sex they've had in the last few weeks <well,
actually, I don't> and their credit card numbers etc. It's loads
of fun.
Ok. So that's everything about my cordless fone. Aren't you
glad you know all about me and my wonderful fone now? Didn't think
so. Well bite me or something. And READ DFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now go away kid, ya bother me.
OH WAIT! Don't leave! I have something important to say. Ok. I'm
taking a chance in this. So what. If you want to submit to DFS and
you don't have the privalage of being on Paradise Lost, I have made it
real easy for you. Call up the board <look in DFS #0 for the number>
and log on as DFS. The password is JINGLE JINGLE. Upload your submition.
If it appears in DFS, you've made it. You'll be real cool. Not. So
do that if you want to submit to DFS. There!
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º Distribution Sites: º
º If you're on the BBSs you know it. º
º Fuck you if you're not. º
º And to submit to DFS, call Paradise Lost and log º
º on as DFS. The password is JINGLE JINGLE. º
º Just upload it there. º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
