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Cyber Phuck Magazine 1
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þþþ ISSUE 1 þþþ
þþþ CYBER_PHUCK MAGAZINE þþþ
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This is issue one of Cyber Phuck Magazine from DAMAGE INC of Ohio
1. HOW TO SMOKE A PIPE (crash course in tobacco pipe smoking)
2. HOW TO ENJOY A GOOD CIGAR (for real men {and women} ONLY)
3. HOW TO GROW KILLER CANNABIS (crash course in growing killer reefer)
In case you didn't grasp it at first, this first issue
is dedicated to all those brave souls who have died of
lung cancer.
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HOW TO SMOKE A PIPE
Head Chef
Damage Inc. Ohio
Cyber BBS 513-863-0447
So you want to smoke a pipe. Here's some basic information to get
you started without looking stupid or getting ripped-off in the
process.
Select a decent pipe.
You can spend billions of dollars on pipes. I suggest you try an inexpensive
pipe to start with, and wait a while on buying Merchaum pipes and mershaum
lined bowls.
Best first pipe.
Buy a simple pipe, the most traditional looking pipe you can find.
If you drive down the street smoking a Sherlock Holmes pipe you're going
to look pretty silly. Pipes that have filters are really just frills.
If the store can't sell you a half-way decent looking respectable pipe
for under 12 bucks, go someplace else. Look for a pipe like an old
man would smoke. Old men know pipes.
Later on, if you want something better, look for a Merchaum
lined pipe. It looks like a regular pipe, but the bowl is lined with
white ceramic stuff. Good merchaum comes from Africa. It's some type
of hard clay. If you want the ultimate, you can find some really wild
pipes carved entirely from mershaum with some wild figureines and
monsters carved into them. Corn cob pipes burn though. Get the most
ordinary looking tobacco pipe for your first pipe.
Best pipe lighter.
Despite advertisers claims, the best pipe lighter is a simple
disposable gas lighter. Zippo's don't work good at all for pipes and
smell and leak. Zippo's modified for pipes are okay, but they get hot
since you need to light a pipe more than a cigarette and have a tendency
to continue to burn while they're in your pocket. Just a simple Bic
or other disposable gas lighter is really the best. Fancy lighters that
require refilling are junk, and although they look cool, they rarely
last more than 3 days before they break. Matches make a mess and
will irritate your throat even though you don't want to inhale a pipe
ever!
Best Ash Tray
A big one. When you smoke a pipe, a small amount of tobacco is
always wasted and gets dumped into the ash try.
Best Tobacco dealers
Here's the most valuable advice in this text. The tinder box
sells old shitty tobacco that has God knows what in it. The stuff
they sell at the drug store on supermarket has all the quality of
smoking the sunday funny papers. Tinder box tobacco looks like
a tobacco chewing baseball team, ate tobacco, and shit it out, and then
sold it to the tinder box. Then they wiped their ass with the sunday
funnies and sold that to the grocery and drug stores as tobacco.
The best place to buy tobacco is from a speciality tobacco dealer
that is not part of a chain. They are called "Tobacconists", and you
can find them in the yellow pages. Avoid malls, although there are
good tobacconists at some malls.
There are 3 basic types of tobacco and thousand of blends. Pipe
tobacco is made from Burley tobacco. Cigarettes are made from blonde
or Virginia tobacco. These are the basic kinds you should know about.
The naming of blends makes it all confusing. Don't be confused. This
is the strait stuff you need to ask for.
1. Burley flavored with Cherry.
This SMELLS the best when it burns.
2. Burley flavored with Vanilla.
This TASTES the best when it burns.
3. Cabendish or English tobacco.
This stuff is black. Unlike Burley tobaccos which are
a brown color, Cabendish looks like it's been in a
smoker for a couple weeks black and smells like
burnt coals. Has a unique taste, but gives me a headache.
You should try this one though because it's a historic
tobacco you might enjoy.
There are THOUSANDs of variations mixtures and blends of these
basic types of tobaccos. Apple, and other flavors are very common
and interesting also but always buy from a reputable specialty
tobacconist.
Best Experimental Selection.
Ask for a very small amount of the following to get a really
good idea or what you like or don't like.
1) packet of plain burley with a slight vanilla flavor
2) packet of plain burley with a slight cherry flavor
3) packet of a mixture of cherry/vanilla burley
4) packet of a mixture containing some cabendish (black-english)
ask them for a suggestion of what's good too unless they are a
cigarette smoker since they can't smell or taste anything anyway.
Best place to enjoy smoking a pipe
Fill the bowl full and compress the tobacco lightly. You don't
need any fancy tools either. A pen knife sometimes helps loosen
the unsmoked bowl left over from last night. A properly packed bowl
when it's been smoked up, can be emptied by tapping the bowl
on something several times. If the unsmoked tobacco comes out
immediately, it's packed too loose, and if it requires a tool to
remove, it's packed too tight.
Never inhale pipe tobacco. The life you save may be your own.
Be aware though that all that tobacco going up in smoke right next
to your face, will definitely give you a pretty decent buzz. The
proper mental state is somewhere between a light buzz and nausea.
Never hold the bowl higher than your lips. The tobacco spit might
find its way back into your mouth. UCK!
Smoking outside at night is the most relaxing for me anyway. This
way you can spit if you feel like it and the smoke looks cool as it
curls away and doesn't smell up the room.
Tobacco Pouches
Special pouches are a waste of money. Like the invention of the
disposable lighter, the invention of the zip lock bag has made
all other containers obsolete.
When you seal a zip lock bag for the first time, with your teeth,
make tiny tears in the sides of the bag near the zip lock. This will
allow you to force the air out of the bag when you seal it.
Make your room or car smell good
Leave a bag of cherry tobacco in your living room, automobile
etc. Even in the zip lock baggie (tear the edges so you can force
the air out). It will make it smell really good. When you walk
into a home of a pipe smoker, it's the unsmoked tobacco that gives
that wonderful aroma, not the actual smoking.
SMOKE IF YOU GOT 'EM.
Enjoy.
Head Chef
Damage Inc. Ohio 1994
cyber bbs 513-863-0447
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HOW TO ENJOY A GOOD CIGAR
Head Chef
Damage Inc Ohio
cyber bbs 513-863-0447
********* How to enjoy a cigar for real men and women only!**********
Learn about cigars!
Buy cigars ONLY that are kept in a PROPERLY MAINTAINED Humidor. Don't
bet that the Tinder Box at your mall knows shit about cigars even
though they have a humidor. Try a small Upman cigar from a place like
that first. They move more small cigars like that. Never trust a cigar
salesman at a mall unless they have a real severe spanish accent. Look
for REAL tobacconists in your yellow pages, not the mall.
In Cuba where the best tobacco's are grown for cigars, it is very
warm, breezy and humid. Real cuban tobacco hasn't been legally
imported into the U.S. since before the Cuban Missle Crisis. Cuban
tobacco is good because of the soil and climate. Tobacco grown from
"Cuban Seed" appears in ad's but doesn't mean shit in reality. You can
drive into Canada and buy Cuban cigars but they're expensive.
Drug store cigars contain wood chips and old newspaper and don't qualify
as anything but recycling.
The 70,70 Rule: 70 Degrees, 70 % relative humidity is ideal for
storing cigars.
If your cigars get dry, hard to the touch. Put a small amount of water
in the bottom of a tall jar, and put your cigars in the jar and
put the lid on and leave them for several hours. A smokable cigar should
be pliable to the touch, not hard and dry. Don't let water hit your
cigars, humid air around them is the key. Put a piece of a sponge in the
jar with a few drops of water on it to maintain the humidity. You get
the idea anyway.
The best humidors are made of cedar. A cedar box with a sponge thing in
the top works good to keep your cigars enjoyable.
Try using whiskey or other hard liquor as the liquid in your home humidor
sometime.
Old dry cigars can sometimes be restored to smokable condition by storing
them in a humidor for several hours or days.
************** How to light a cigar:
Unwrap the plastic from the cigar, remove the label unless you are a
"wanna be", or if it's too tight to remove.
Feel the cigar. The leaf wrapper should have a certain rubbery quality.
Smell it if you want, then put it to your ear and listen, it it's
a truly fine cigar, you may hear the violent rantings of a Central American
dictator. If you hear Fidel Castro himself, you definitely got a good one!
If it's feels crispy and dry, leave it in a humidor or you will waste it by
smoking it because it will be too hot and not enjoyable.
Grint your teeth, (like Clint Eastwood, or like a F14 pilot getting shot off
a carrier), and while gently pressing the cigar against your teeth, NOT your
lips... firmly bite the least little bit of the tip off, and SPIT IT OUT!
Spitting it out is VERY important and should be done with the utmost
enthusiam to show respect for the spanish person who hand made-the cigar.
Real men spit, aggresively and with dry passion. AND TOWARDS THE GROUND!
Tilt back your head very slightly to keep the smoke out of the eyes and
light the end SLOWLY, turning it ever so slightly to ensure EVEN slow start.
Feel free to spit, and SLOWLY puff. DO NOT INHALE! Don't try to knock
the ashes off by tapping it like a cigarette. Slowly roll the end on the
edge of an ash tray.
My tobacconist has a Fuente cigar for 90 cents that I really enjoy. It's
not a cuban, but it's a damn decent cigar. It would probably cost 3.00 at
the tinder box and they would call it one of their best I'm sure. I hope
the Tinder box isn't owned by a guy named Sal, or Vinnie! But they should
be ashamed.
Okay everybody SPIT!
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HOW TO GROW PRIMO SENSIMILLION
BY The Folically Challenged White Dude
at Damage Incorporated
Get Started
Get some pot seeds. If you haven't started now get too it. Lots of people
save their pot seeds on a tray they stole from a cafeteria or a frisbee
of course. No need to pay them for them. Tell them they are for a friend.
People get busted because they tell a friend in strict confidence, who
tells a friend in strict confidence etc etc.
Pot Seeds
You cannot judge a pot seed by it's cover. Squeeze a seed gently and if
it breaks, it was harvested before the seeds matured. Get as large of a
variety of seeds as possible. Seeds from dirt weed look sometimes just like
the seeds of primo killer mo-jo weed, so get a large variety of seeds. Try
not to mix them together. Lots of time people will save seeds from
especially killer weed. Just get them already.
Get Some Containers to Start the Seeds in.
When you buy small flowers to plant outdoors at a garden store, save the
6-pack plastic trays they come it. Perferrably with the plastic tray still
underneath. Tell the neighbors who ask that you're going to start some
pepper plants or something if you bum off others.
Another excellent container is the 2 liter bottle with cut in half at the
waist. These are free, a good way to recycle, and work well even for large
plants. You can get tons on recycling day if your city recycles, or you
can go to an apartment complex and raid the dumpsters. Don't jump in one
though because it may be full of bees, body parts, baby shit, or diabetic
hypodermic needles from a gay nazi elvis fan who has aids.
Get some dirt.
Get a large bag of top soil (not potting soil from Kmart). Get top soil at
like a farm store the first time. Hyponex is shitty and overpriced and it
turns into mud too easily. You want soil with balls. Use Bagged commercial
soil for starting seeds. Wild dirt (from outside your house) is bad because
it has bugs in it. Weed is very pest resistant and you will never have to
spray chemicals on weed to protect it from pests other than maybe soap and
water to rinse a few bugs off sometime. However, very young seedlings are
VERY fragile. The worst enemy of seedlings is those little bugs that roll
into a ball when you touch them. They are harmless to plants, probably
beneficial to healthy plants, but they will bite the base of a seedling
and topple it over like a little DEA lumber jack. Very bad. Get a big bag
of soil from a garden store or farm market. NOT hyponex MUD.
Drainage
It's better if you allow SOME drainage from your seed starting containers.
If you use 2 liter bottles cut in half at the waist, poke a hole in the
bottom of each container by STABBING it violently with a sharp screw driver.
A screw driver with the tip ground into a sharp point works great!
If you use the regular seed starter things try using very small holes in
the bottom tray which may already be there.
Sprinkle in the dirt gently.
Fill the seed starter containers with dirt, very gently, by sprinkling the
dirt into the pots or seed starter things by holding you hand over top
of the container and gently letting the dirt fall slowly and evenly into
place. No need to pack the dirt, but you should sprinkle the dirt in
such a way to break up any dirt clods or clumps before letting them fall
into the containers. Don't fill them completely.
Make holes for the seeds.
Use a pencil. Perferabbly a number two pencil that says "Property Of The
Federal Government" or a regular one if you can't get on of those. Poke
a small hole into the soil in each seed container, maybe three holes
if you are using 2 liter bottles.
Make each hold no deeper than than an inch. A good way is to use a sharp
pencil, and poke it into the soil until the soil is even with the place
where the raw sharp wood ends and the yellow paint begins, which is
about an inch. No rocket science required here.
Drop in the seeds.
Drop one, (if it's for sure killer diller shit) two or three seeds into
each hole. Make sure your hands are dry first. A folded piece of paper
may help if you have a ton of seeds to plant, letting the seeds roll down
like a chute. If you miss don't panic.
Cover the seeds.
Again with the dirt, sprinkle a final thin covering of fine soil (no giant
clods or turds this time please) over the entire thing so the dirt looks
even and you can't see any of the seeds.
Water them before putting on the covers.
Water them good, but don't have them floating either. You want sufficient
humidity but you don't want them to drown either. A even sprinkle with a
watering can works great, an atomizer will take all fucking day.
Put on the covers.
Cover the seed starting kit with it's hard plastic cover. You may poke a few
holes in the cover if you want so you can sprinkle water on top later and
have water slowly drip down inside.
If using two liters cut in half at the waist, cover them with saran wrap and
put a piece of masking tape around to hold it down tight. Poke two or
three small holes in the plastic with your magic pencil thing. So you
can water them later without removing the plastic.
Where do you set them.
In the sun or partial sun is best, under a flouresent light is good too.
Regular incandescent light (bulbs) is too fucking hot.
AND ON THE DIRT, OR A TRAY TO CATCH THE DRIPPING WATER of course.
Do NOT let them dry out. (if they're too wet mold will form)
Get some good lights.
High Pressure sodium lights, or metal halide lights work great. Try a
400watt or smaller high pressure sodium or metal halide lighting setup.
You can order them from mail order companies cheaper than you can buy
them at the downtown electrical supply house.
In a pinch, you can line a closet size area with tin foil and stand as
many AND AS LONG (long is better) flourescent fixtures everywhere you
can.
People that grow primo pot indoors use High Pressure Sodium lights, which
are those street lights that are orange in color. Or Metal Halide which
a few bucks cheaper but just as good probably. Metal Halide lights are
white in color but better qulity light than the average street light.
Get a light that's 400 watts or less. Use care in constructing a grow
room and you would do good to consult good books on the subject by
Ed Rosenthal (books by phone berkeley california, call 1-800-infromation
operator to get the Books by phone address etc.)
Never use regular incandescent light bulbs (regular screw in) those little
screw in grow lights they sell at Kmart suck too. Don't waste your money,
use flourescents if you can't afford the good stuff.
Air ventilation
Get a small cheap fan so you always have a small amount of air circulating
in your grow area.
Air ventilation, safety and other stuff.
If you grow indoors with big lights, you need safe air ventilation to
suck heat out of the room. Don't blow up your house for christs sake.
A thermostat controlled exhaust fan will work. Get one thrrough the
mail from a indoor gardening mail order speciality place. There's a good
one that's in East Lansing michican, another one in Shepherdsville Kentucky.
Light timers.
Get ones big enough to handle the power you are using.
For growing plants, leave the lights on 24 hours a day.
For flowering plants YES! use a timer so it's dark 12 hours and light
for 12 hours.
Fertilizer
Use Rapid-Gro
Fertilizer has 3 numbers on the label
First number - Middle Number - last number
For strong healthy growth when the lights are on 24 hours a day to
see how big the plants can get, use a fertilizer with a high
first number. 19-19-19 is good. etc.
For strong flowers (buds) when the lights are on 12 and off 12 hours, use
a fertilizer with a high MIDDLE number. 12-17-12 something like that.
Rapid-gro fertilizer has been specially formulated for growing pot plants.
This is no secret to pot farmers. They're high middle number fertilizer
is called. Bud builders or something like that.
Security
Need to know basis. People who are stoned always tell their friends about
their buddies grow room including location and everything. This is
way pot growers are so fucking paranoid, they can't even trust themselves.
Don't kill anybody I guess is the rule to follow. If you're a hillbillly
ignoramous you probably wouldn't be able to read this though.
When to fertilize.
Try using regular water one watering and fertilized water the next one.
Mix fertilzed water with one giant tablespoon per gallon (milk jug) of
water. Water when the soil is dry and begins to crack slightly. Water
more when starting small plants.
Get them as big as possible.
When they start to grow you may have to move them to bigger containers.
However you can grow pot using fertilizer in surprising small containers,
although they may get a little top heavy after a while. A can of house
paint would be an ideal container size. Don't use metal containers though.
Wait until they are root bound before transplanting. Avoid transplanting
seedlings because they are VERY VERY fragile. Let the plants grow as
big as possible giving them as much light as possible. Grow as many as
possible.
Tell them to BUD YES YES!
When you have tons of plants growing like a fucking vietnamese jungle, it's
time to bud them. Keep a watch out for buds even before you take them off
24 hours of light and put them on 12/12 light/dark.
When you're ready to start buds, the big giant leaves will have started to
turn brown and falling off a little bit. Now is the time to put the light
timers on 12/12 light/dark and begin to use a high middle number fertilizer.
When giant leaves begin to fall off help them off. Save these "sun" leaves
to smoke with your drunken buddies.
A few days after you adjust the lights to 12/12 and the fertilizer to high
middle number, they will start to bud. You are now ready to murder
half of your plants.
Kill the males.
When you notice any plant develop male reproductive organs, cut it down by
cutting the trunk at the base with big wire cutters. DO NOT shake the
plant, make one clean cut and remove it gently and put it in the bottom
of a distant closet on newspapers or something to dry out. Male sex organs
on male plants are like little tiny bags that contain polen (plant sperm)
that is carried by the winds when the male sex organs get mature or dry out.
Carefully check the plants daily. Half the plants will be female. When you
think it's time to harvest (don't ask how long, they will tell you) begin
with the less beautiful females. Females have beautiful white flowers.
Let the healthiest most killer looking females grow as long as possible
and harvest VERY slowly starting with the less healthy less big budded
females. Short Squat females are best for indoors. Tall is hard to manage.
Pot plants range in height from 2 feet (hybrids and central asian) to
like 18 feet for good mexican weed.
Save a few of the best females for your personal stash. Clip only one
healthy bud at a time. Cut the bud up with sizzors and lay it in the
bottom of a clean wooden dresser drawer to dry. If you find a seed
in your weed PLANT IT!
Pretty soon people will come over all the time to bum weed. Kill them if
possible. When you run out you will learn who your real friends are.
This is for information purposes only (or course)
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Hey I hope you enjoyed issue one of CYBER_PHUCK Magazine. If you have
contributions, questions, comments, or suggestions, or just an insane
desire to communicate, I can be reached at the Cyber BBS 513-863-0447
or email at tline@iac.net (no junk mail please!).
Head Chef Editor Cyber_Phuck Magazine
Damage Inc Ohio
See you in space.
