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Damned Fucking Shit Issue 03
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Damned Fucking Shit
Edited by Access Denied
Issue #3
Title: 101 Things To Do With Spam, Jello, or
Vasaline.
By: Access Denied
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101 Things To Do With Spam, Jello, or Vasaline
1. Eat it.
2. Smell it.
3. Feed it to your kid sister.
4. Feed it to your kid brother.
5. Throw it at people.
6. Put it in people's car exhaust pipes.
7. Use it as a sex aid.
8. Burn it.
9. Lick it.
10. Use it to stick in ears to block out those nasty voices.
11. Smear it on hands to keep the maggots off.
12. Use it to remove makeup.
13. Use it to remove chest hair.
14. Feed it to your pet poodle and put it in the microwave.
15. See what chemicals from your chemistry class make it explode.
16. Use it as a nice centerpeice at thanksgiving.
17. Use it as a nice conversation peice on your coffee table.
18. Put it in your coffee instead of that crappy sugar substitute.
19. Use it as shaving cream.
20. Store it in your underwear because it feels good.
21. Put it on the part of the phone you put your ear on so visitors
who ask to use your phone get a nasty surprise.
22. Masturbate with it.
23. Make a Spam/Jello/Vasaline bomb.
24. Mail it to the FBI so they think it's a new form of letter
bomb.
25. Rape your dog with it.
26. Take baths with it.
27. Give it to the homeless people for Thanksgiving/Christmas/
Father's Day/Memorial Day or any other sutible holiday.
28. Put it in people's mailboxes.
29. Mail it using UPS or Federal Express.
30. Put it in your desk at school.
31. Put it in your locker at school.
32. Put it in someone else's locker at school.
33. Stuff it in someone's ear.
34. Burn it some more.
35. Write your last will and testament with it.
36. Smoke it and try to get high.
37. Give it to ignorant children and tell them they can get high
with it.
38. Give it to your girlfriend.
39. Give it to the girl you have fantasies about.
40. Put it under your fingernails and walk down the street smelling
them.
41. Try and burn your hair with it.
42. Style your hair with it.
43. Use it to remove charcole stains from your arm.
44. Use it as deodorant.
45. Put it on toilet seats.
46. Drop it on a city from an airplane.
47. Use it in satanic rituals with cats.
48. Kill it.
49. Throw it at your TV.
50. Flush it down your toilet.
51. Commit suicide with it.
52. Use it as sunglasses.
53. Drop it off a building and see if it bounces.
54. Drop it off a building and see if it dents the ground.
55. Throw it at peoples houses.
56. Throw it at cars.
57. Throw it at dogs.
58. Throw it at cats.
59. Throw it at monkeys.
60. Throw it at ferrets.
61. Feed it to animals at the zoo.
62. Feed it to little children on the street.
63. Feed it to anyone on the street.
64. Mold it to look like a really good looking girl.
65. Throw it in a corner and watch it rot.
66. Have sex with it.
67. Play poker with it.
68. Phreak with it.
69. ***CENSORED***
70. Throw it at Access Denied (NOT THE GROUP!) because he censored
the last one.
71. Kill people with it.
72. Kill small animals with it.
73. Slick back your hair with it.
74. Use it in your printer.
75. Write huge boring long textfiles about it.
76. Eat it nonstop in the middle of a busy street until you explode
and plaster everyone with your guts and entrails.
77. Use it to spell out "Thanks To Incarnate" on your wall.
78. Give it to people for presents at major holidays.
79. Give it out at halloween.
80. Sit in the bathroom with it.
81. Move to Brazil with it.
82. Marry it.
83. Burry it alive.
84. Watch Monday Night Football with it.
85. Use it as golf balls.
86. Net your BBS with it.
87. Pretend its actually the president of the United States and try
to make other people believe it is the president.
88. Pray to it.
89. Pretend it's God and don't believe in it.
90. Tell it you love it and then leave it.
91. Keep your brother awake with it.
92. Whip yourself with it.
93. Put it in a bag and whip someone else with it.
94. Shave your head with it, join the IRA and move to Colombia.
95. Put it in a suitcase.
96. Play ping pong with it.
97. Derail trains with.
98. Use it as a wrist-watch.
99. Wear it as shoes.
100. Pretend it's your best friend and play hide-and-seek with it.
101. Anything else.
This list was compiled by Access Denied (NOT THE GROUP!) with comments from
Incarnate and Dementia Prcox.
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