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Crap Will Eat Itself Issue 02
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----------------------------_+Crap Will Eat Itself+_----------------------------
April, 1997 Issue #2
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i figure that since someone's on the phone right now, and i don't feel like
doing my 180 problem psychology homework, that this is as good a time as any
to write an intro.
oh, btw, this is issue 2! that means we're here, we're bad, and, since you're
reading this, you actually give a damn!
or, ! it means you fit into one of these two, fun catagories:
* people who read dto!
of course people who read dto will read crap will eat itself. why, you ask?
because we tell people who read dto to read it. it's that simple. in fact,
cwei and dto are similar in many ways. both are read by a total of 20 people
(all of whom, of course, write for both 'zines). both feature a motley array of
articles and stories, none of which have anything to do with each other. and,
finally, both are highly subjective - meaning they're both written, article for
article, from very personal perspectives that usually fail to cover all of the
ideas an concepts of a topic.
then, of course, there are
* people who found it, by accident, on the web page!!
these are people who, again, don't really care about writing or literacy or
any of that. they came to potter's page to go to the ideamen (!) homepage, and
from there they managed to find their nosey little asses in the CWEI section.
my originial intentions for CWEI was to have a one article per issue e'zine
written by myself and black francis, in the vein of old IBFT articles. here,
we'd talk freely about whatever was on our mind, what we felt strongly about,
and who we'd like to see die.
but because bF "couldn't think of anything to write about," i had to come
up with other ideas for cwei. my second goal was to get everyone who could
write, ages *16 and under*, together to write for cwei. i just thought that
would be pretty cool because people 16 and under tend to have really creative,
overactive imaginations (atleast from my experiences)
that didn't work either since i was too lazy to ask any kids to write for it.
so then i figured 'ok, well, my brother is a fucked up kid, my friend laura
is pretty fucked up, why don't i just get people who are naturally fucked up
together and just publish their thoughts.
that didn't work either (read issue #1)
ok, just kidding. maybe it did, i don't care.
the whole point is, CWEI is taking on a life of it's own--and frankly, it's one
that i didn't plan on. so for better, or for worse, here it is--issue #2 enjoy.
-potter
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"devil girl"
- by cram -
This story is not really a story it's more of a hate mail to an audience
of one. Her name is Allison a.k.a. vaselina a.k.a. MODgirl. This girl sucks.
She is Friends with my brother and cousin though, but I don't care she sucks.
Today I get msg'd from her and she says "hey, i read your cwei stories, they
totally ruined the zine." so I say "why the hell would u say that?" she says
"you are obviously like 15 years old and you don't write well" tat reely pised
me ouf becase I thinked I righted fine. I never met this girl before and she's
giving me a hard time.
Well, I found out some stuff about that little bitch as I was talking to
her. First, she thinks she has some kind of special powers. I asked her what
and she says "I am able to control boys with my special fellatio powers"
whatever the hell that means. then she says "I release crazy sex vibes with my
eyes." So I say "I bet your a fat girl who smells like those Indian people."
Here is how I know this is true. she says "hey hey hey. I'm not fat and I'm not
an Indian." So I ask a different question, but she still dwells on the fat
Indian thing by saying "vaselina is 5'8/130 pounds of good girl smells. I smell
like pantene!!!" Now I know she's a fat smelly Indian girl.
Here is another wonderful thing about that little bitch (and yes this is
not to be funny this is to exploit that fat, ugly, Indian from New York) she
is obsessed with irc. She is one pathetic low-life who just takes up space with
her fatness and can't get out of her chair so she stays on irc all day. Here's
how I know this. she says "you mean the puter is'ent real like real life?" Here
is my second reason. My cousin is always on irc he doesnt leave except for
work and vaselina is in love with him. Why would she leave if he's always on.
Here's how I know shes in love with him. These are five things she said
throughout our conversation. #1 "I know your cousin Matt he's hawt", #2 "I look
up to him I worship him", #3 "I have his pic and I masturbate to it every
night" #4 "Matt wouldn't let you right a story about me, he loves me" #5 "Matt
is my water and I am a fish moving with his steady current" So basically this
girl never leaves irc unless Matt's at work.
Well, that's all I can tell you about this dumb girl I hope she likes the
story about her and I hope she realizes how much she sucks. I feel like I saved
another human being , I think I'll get shit faced tonight as a reward for
myself. Thanks for your inspiration Allison! And do me a favor loose some weight
and spray on some perfume because I hate space wasters and smelly Indians.
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"waterice"
- by soap -
O.k. , you all know about Rita's water ice, right! If not, oh well.
One nite I was driving home and at 2 am, I pass the local Town and Country
Shopping center, everythings fine. The next morning l leave for work and to my
suprise the Chop Chop no longer exists! I see JOE'S WATER ICE! What, wait a
minuite. Where the hell did "JOE'S" come from and it was biuld in like 5 hours
thats CRAZY! So l pull over to cause a comotion. "what's up with this" I say.
Some lady walks up disgusted and says "HI I'm Rita" I said, "as in Rita's water
ice" she says, "yeah thats me". "well any ways me and my husband `JOE` split up
and i took the rights to Rita's." "So this is what I get, COMPETITION"
So I started to compare and this is the list of flavors i saw and Joe's
comments:
RITA'S JOE'S
lemon e'mon (jamacans love this flavor)
grape great
cherry bearmeat (hey hunters out there check out the
NEW color BRIGHT ORANGE)
pina colada a pint of cola and a lotto ticket...
(people who like to gamble)
tangerine tambourine (old people in jazz bands)
orange aren't your shoes (people who stand in line in
bare feet cuz it's summer come on no
shoes no service hippy)
root beer beer (drunken alcoholics trying to detox)
chocolate ch-shit-im-late (those who wait in that long ass
line being late already and order a flavor just
to have them say "sorry were out" so you go down
the list and they'er out so you just have to say
"ch-shit-im-late "coming right up"
vanilla salmonella (those who like raw chicken try me)
passion fruit nuttin' to it (plain water, frozen)
mango amaco (gasoline, it gets you going)
lime dime(bag) (you dude, um , like try some)
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"crush on a goblin"
- by potter -
potter: say... uh.. i'm kinda shy but... would you like to go on a date
sometime?
goblin: UNKH
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"who the fuck cares?"
- by cram -
i'm going to talk a little bit about a couple different things today, things
that won't leave the news, things nobody really cares about but it seems to
make good television and keeps people interested even though deep down inside
they don't care but are forced to watch it because the media is making a big
deal out of it. (shut the fuck up I know its just one long run-on sentence, who
the hell asked you?)
first, lets talk about something that is a little recent. The nachoordinary
B.I.G and tupac or toothpick whatever the hell there names are and their
connections with each others deaths. lets just say two white artist's, (i'm not
racist this is just a joke if you don't like it go stick your head in a blender
and make me a drink), alanis moronbreath and dave matthew's each lived on
different sides of the city, alanis on the east side and dave on the west, do u
think if they were black their lyrics would be any different?
let's start with alanis.
her real lyrics: lyrics if she was black:
"isn't it ironic?" "isn't this good chronic?"
"it's like rain on your wedding day" "it's like a crack raid on martin
luther king's birthday"
"i got one hand in my pocket and the "i got one hand on my forty and
other giving a peace sign" the other on my a.k."
"you oughta know" "yo, we should go down to the west
side and pick up some honey's ya
know? and then rape them and shit.
if the bloods got a prob wit dat
fuck 'em. we'll just bust a cap in
dah ass"
"a free ride that you just can't take" "a free ride watch the window break"
[ed. note: cram never finished this, and he was just going to throw it out, but
if you like this sorta thing, be sure to let him know at dxball@juno.com.]
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"useless traits"
- by mercuri -
i have one of the most useless traits that has ever been. unless of course
this t-file ends up to be useful.
it's my extrodinary memory. i shall explain.
i can remember practically every MINOR *and* MAJOR event since i was about
three years old.
in kindergarten my teacher's name was mrs. jones. each day we rotated to
different "workshops". my favorite was the make-it shop. we took piles of
otherwise useless things and built stuff out of them. i once made a canon.
good thing that is burned into my brain, where would i be without it?!
there was a girl in that class who's name was kim maud. she once stood up
infront of the class and told everybody she once accidentally spelled her
name "mud" once. she also picked her nose and ate the boogers.
the kid who ate paste, cliched but true, was named tommy.
i used to sit across from a blond haired girl named rene. she's was one
hot-momma. oh, and my name-tag on my desk was orange.
more is coming to me... i remember mrs. jones tried to teach me how to
write better because when i would write my name the letters would just get
bigger and bigger as i went along.
which brings us to first grade.
my teacher's name was mrs. styrna. the first day of school my mom escorted
me in. we signed in, and the teacher asked each kid what their mother's
name was, they all said "mommy". when she asked me what my mom's name was,
i said "gail".
her: "that's what you call your mother?!"
me: "that's not what you asked!"
when we started to learn how to write in that class, she went to the overhead...
she'd say "this is how you make a 't'... do you want to see how silly sally
made her t's?"
class: yeah!!
me, to myself: "who is silly sally?"
seriously. i couldn't figure it out for a while.
oh yeah. i cheated on one of my subtraction tests i cried my eyes out when
i was caught. i remember how i did it, too... this is funny:
me, outloud: "hmmm... i cant think of this answer!"
<i glance at the guys paper next to me>
me, outload: "oh yeah, now i know!"
how nonchalent! i did that same routine for about six questions.
i cried like a girl when i was caught.
there was this girl named hillary bruhah in that class, too. she would always
try to out-do me. if i got new crayons, she would get bigger and better
crayons. now that i think about it, i bet she was jewish. a skinny jew, too.
i had this really good eraser and i must've accidentally dropped it one day,
because the next time i saw it was on someone elses desk. i was too much
of a damn girl to say anything about it though.
in 2nd grade we were looking at a map of the us. the teacher asked to point
out where we lived. i point about an inch below lake michigan. she said
"no, tommy, you try" he did, and pointed practically where i pointed. "good,
tommy!" she wanted specifics, stupid bitch.
oh, this tommy kid. he used to wear a button that said "ask me about the
navy!" so i thought it was hilarious to ask him "what about the navy?" so
i asked him every 10 minutes or so.
i remember there was an air-hockey box inside the closet.
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"10 THINGS YOU WOULD'NT WANT TO OVERHEAR DURING SURGERY"
- by cram -
* No, thats not it but your getting warmer.
* Remember, doctor miller, the object is not to kill him.
* Didn't you read the sign ? "employees must wash hands!"
* Now you did it. you broke it. Are you happy?!
* Mmm!! THis is finger licken good!
* Frankly, I think he deserves to die.
* Don't throw that out he needs it!
* At last! My revenge is complete!
* Shouldn't we marinate it first!
* Quick, somebody call 911!
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(c) 1997 Crap-kills productions. All rights left.
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