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Catslash Issue 09
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/ ________/ / \ \_____ _____/ / ______/
/ / ______/ /\ \______ | | \ \_____
/ / \____ ____ ____/ | | \______ \
\ \__________ / / \ \ | | _______\ \
\__________/ O \/ \/ O \_/ O \_________\ O
The Canadian Anarchy Technology Society Presents...
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/ _____\ /\ \__ __// ____/| | | |
| | / \ | | / /____ | | ____ ____ | |
| | / /\ \ | | /_____ / | |/__ |/ __/ | |___
| |_____ / /__\ \ | | _____/ / | | _/_ |\__ \ | __ \
\_______\/ / \ \ \ //______/ \ //_/_\|/___/ | | | |
\/ \/ \| \| \/ \/
|\ /| --- --- --- --- | |\ | ----
| \/ | |___|| __ |___| / | | \ | |_
| | | ||___| | | /__ | | \| |___
Issue 9
April, 1997
Edmonton, Alberta,Canada
http://members.tripod.com/~catslash/index.html
E-mail:catslash@anarchy-online.com
or call Bethlehem at: (403)477-2351
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is our April issue! It has been long awaited by some, as this
issue contains no real useful files. These files are created to be
funny to all the anarchists out there. Ok, so it was a pretty good
idea then. But hey, its here now, so what the hell.
It would be also good to know that trying stuff in this issue could
KILL you, as it is untested and probably dangerous.
So, which files are real? Files #1 (This file) and everything after
the Top Ten (File 6).
Even so, I have posted idiot warnings on top of the files, so that
the faggets who don't read my intros figure it out.
So, on with the April Fools issue.... Have Phun :-)...
_____________________________________________________________________
| CATSlash Contents |
| - Issue # - |
|___________________________________________________________________|
|1. Intro By: Bungie |
|2. The Hell Box By: Bungie |
|3. The Tale of Poison Ice's Computer By: Poison Ice |
|4. A Cool Bomb By: Bungie |
|5. Connection Corner By: Poison Ice |
|6. Catslash Top Ten By: Poison Ice |
|6. Other CATSlash Info |
|___________________________________________________________________|
We are user supported, so feel free to send in any articles you deem
suitable for this magazine. Make sure to include your alias, so we
can place your name in the file's intro. If you are interested in
becoming a full time CATSlash writer, send us a letter saying you
want to do so, and we will include you in the best 403 magazine you
can write for! To E-mail comments, articles, questions (relating to
H/P/A), Connection Corner info or whatever else send to:
catslash@anarchy-online.com
or call Bethlehem (403)477-2351 and mail Bungie or Poison Ice.
_____________________________________________________________________
CATSlash April Fool's issue - This is not real!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
\ THe HeLL bOx /
\ By: Bungie /
\___________CATSlash Magazine - Issue 9, April 1997_____________/
'''''''''''''''File #2 of 6''''''''''''
''''''''''''
oK PeePle, jUSt BeCAuse I'M sTOneD OuT oF mY MiND iS no ReEsIn i
CAn'T RiTE tHIs ARtIclE...On THe gRATesT bOx In tHE WUrlD... ThE hELL
BOx!1!!!1! I MAdE IT MySElf AFteR A PaRTy anD DeSiDed TO ShARe tHE
InFUrmaTiOn.
THiS BoX iS veRy pOWerFUl. OnLEe UsE iT wHeN yOU aRE VeRy maD aT tHe
FOne CUmpAny, FoR D0OinG sTUfF LIkE RAIsInG tHE fONe bILL or
ARresTIng P0IsoN IcE oR SUmeThInG LiKE ThAT. THiS iS S0 POweRFuL, IT
CaN:
1. DEsTrOY ALL tHe PHoNe SerVicE IN yUr ArEA.
2. SEEzE aLL ThE F0Ne LInES
3. MeLT PAYpHoNeS
4. ELecTroCUTe YoUR DOg
ANd ThaT Is OnLy HAff 0F thE THiNGs I KAn ThINk OF. Ok, s0 LetS Lo0K
aT WhUt PaRTs wE NEEd...
PArTS
##3#3#
1. eXTenSiUN COrd
2. OnE F0Ne JAcK
3. aLLigAtUr CLipS
4. A 220 VOlT OUtLet (LoOk BeHInd YuR StOve, FReeZer, DryER,
ComPreSSER anD PlaCes LIkE ThAt).
5. WiRE
6. A SiX PacK or T0
7. SuM GoOd MUsiC To LIstEN Too. (MeTAL AnD OnLIe MeTAL!!)
InSTrUCShIns
####33###3###
CuT ThE ENds OfF Of THe ExTENsiUN COrD. ATTacH ThE AllIGAt0R CLipS
ToO ThE WirES On WuN enD. AftUr ThaT, DrINk OnE CAn FROM ThE SIx PaK.
HeLL, DRinK ThEM ALL, WHat R wE SavINg ThEm FOr? NOw THAt wE DrANk
AlL tHe BEEr, LetS GeT BAk tWo ThE JoB. OpUn Up ThE FOnE JacK WitH A
ScREwDRiVer. U WiLL SEa FOur WiReZ. REd, GrEAn, YEllOW, BLacK. If u
SeE JuSt BlACk, TeRN On ThE LiTes.
NoW, CUt anD StrIp ThE red ANd GrEeN wireZ. AttAcH ThE ExTenSHun CoRd
WitH tHE AlliGaTUR CLipS T0 ThE REd ANd GrEEn FOnE WIRes. NoW, YoU
MusT Go To ThE VEndERs (LiKeR STorE) AnD BuY MoR BeER. If U WAnT, U
CaN JuST ROb thE StOre ANd GeT LoTS Of bEEr. WHilE YoU ARe At IT, ROb
ThE SeVEn EleVeN AnD StOCk Up On CIGareTTes T00.
NoW We R REAdy tO COntInUe. TUrN On THe MUsiC. NOw FiND ThE 220V
OuTLET. ONce YOu FinD WhaT iT iS C0NnECTed Too, SHuT oFF ItS BreAkER.
ITs BReaker WIll Be IN A mETaL PanEL On YoUr WaLL, PrOBably In YuR
BasEMenT. It WiLL HaV SwITchES InSIDe. FiGurE OuT ThE WRiTe WuN AnD
ShUt It OFf. iF U CAn'T FiNd the RiTE BrAKeR, TheN sHUt theM ALL OfF,
ANd JuST USe a FLaShliTe aNd A BaTTerY PoWeREd tApe/cD PlAyR.
TaKE thE OTheR EnD oF tHe EXtenShUN CoRD, aNd PLuG thE WIRes INto ThE
22O OuTLeT. THeN Go ANd TuRN ThE BReaKeRS BAcK on.
HAHahaHahA. YoU HAVe JusT SCREweD uP yOuR WhOlE BL0kS FOnE SeRViCe!
ThE PhoNEs WiLL RInG AnD rIng. ThE PhoNEs iN YoR HouSe MigHt EvEN
mELT OfFa ThE WaLL!
WEll, N0w ThAT ThAT's DuN, RUN! TeLUs Is GoNNa bE PrETty FuCkIng
PiSseD ofF aT YoU! AnD TeLlInG ThEM "ApRiL F0oLs' IsnT GoNnA cUt iT.
O wElL, HaVE A PhUn ApRiL FoOlS!
CATSlash April Fool's issue - This is not real!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
\ The Tale of Poison Ice's Computer /
\ By: Poison Ice /
\___________CATSlash Magazine - Issue 9, April 1997_____________/
'''''''''''''''File #3 of 6''''''''''''
''''''''''''
The tale of Poison ice's computer is a tale that spans centuries, but
takes place now, even though it is now being written on a mac, it is
still accurate in detail, and now without a hitch the story is
brought to you by the good people at catslash magazine. now to the
story....
It was a full moon when it became time to transfer the articles to
catslash studios, so it was time to turn on the computer (if you
could call it that). Both I and bungie were preparing the computer
for transfer of files when we realized what we needed, A firestaff, a
lightning wand, a demons head, and the star of rasamind, ajewel of
untold power. Now you can't just go into IGA and buy these things,
you have to find these things each and every time you need them
because they teleport to some unknown place after each use. So we
were on the trail using the enchanted map to find each of the objects
required.
First on the list was the firestaff, it waas said to be inside the
largest of fire caves inside the mountains, The obsticales were
harsh, first we had to battle the super deadly fire trolls, who shot
ice out of their hands (go figure), we attacked using water guns and
other various c.a.t.s devices, but they werent effected very well, so
we simply threw down some smoke bombs and ran towards them, we jumped
over them! Bungie grabed the firestaff and we were on our way, firing
wristrockets behind us. But the fire trolls persisted shooting ice
and throwing rocks, but two wristrockets soon took out the ridges
above them, they were buried under half a ton of rock, they were
unstable rocks of course but that isn't important. we had succeeded
in achieving the recapture of the firestaff now the lightning wand
was next.
The second task would prove to be one of the most mentally chalenging
tasks yet, it was placet upon the highest point in the land, but
first we had to get past the maze of the gargoyles, but we were
pretty lazy that day so we used the firestaff to burn down the entire
hedge maze, (you don't know how lazy we could get, belive me)
so we approached the lightning altar, only the really pissed off
gargoyles behind us, but thanks to the brilliant efforts of poison
ice the gargoyles ran off wimpering, he had used some bolt bombs,
those being capable of producing hiigh sound, but anyway to get the
lightning wand we had to solve the puzzle of the bshanti, but like I
said we were pretty lazy so we stole the wand and ran but not without
spray painting c.a.t.s on the alter.
Fortunatley we already had a gargoyles head so we figured that was
close enough, we had returned to the computer and started the work we
had hooked the cauldron to the rock pile, this way we could see what
we were doing, we were using the star as a paperweight so we had
everything. We had plugged in the firestaff into the slot when a
panel had opened, we put the gargoyles head inside the space and it
closed as suddenly as it opened. "align the runes for the windows
program" Bungie yelled, when poison aligned them correctly the
cauldron smoked, it had "ye old windows programme" two minutes later
we reaaligned the runes and the cauldron said " ye olde terminal
programme". Poison ice yelled " The time of transference is at hand,
ahahahahahahahahahha!, complete the transfer!" "We haven't started
yet dumbass, well start now." replied bungie. as we slammed the
lightning wand into the slot, a beam had fired from the top of the
wand and after a few seconds had stopped as all parts glowed and
teleported away we knew that it was done, my articles were
completley sent to catslash studios. the mission was over.
THE END
CATSlash April Fool's issue - This is not real!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
\ A cool Bomb! /
\ By: Bungie /
\___________CATSlash Magazine - Issue 9, April 1997_____________/
'''''''''''''''File #4 of 6''''''''''''
''''''''''''
Ok people, this bomb rocks all other bombs. As a homeade explosive
this rulez the world! Some of the chemicals you probably will be able
to get at IDA Drugs or in your school's chem lab.
Ingrediants:
""""""""""""
- Flour
- Dihydrogen Oxide
- Yeast
- Sodium Chloride
This is easy to make. Just mix them all together, and stir. You
should get a doughy, plastic explosive! Now attch to your school's
wall, and BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CATSlash April Fool's Issue - This is not real news!
__________
| ________| '''''''''''''''''''''
| | ' CATSlash Magazine '
__| |_____ ' Issue #9 '
| | |_____| ' April, 1997 '
| || |________ ' File #5 of 6 '
| ||__________|onnection '''''''''''''''''''''
| |
| |________
|__________|orner
By: Poison Ice and Bungie
_____________________________________________________________________
Hello all you fellow public menaces out there, here is the april
foolz newz that you can't use.
_____________________________________________________________________
| | Teachers Eat Souls |
|\ / |========================================================
| \ / | From victoria The rumor that teachers are feeding on |
| \ o __ | the immortal souls of students to keep themselves |
| \/||__ | young is uncovered as true, the students whom have |
| | been victimized are now hopless zombies doomed to |
| Vic: | forever walk the earth. Info confirmed. |
|___________|_______________________________________________________|
| _ _ _ | Teachers Protest for KKK |
|/_ / \ |=======================================================|
|\ \ H \ | This month in eastglen, the teachers held a huge |
| \_ \_ \_\ | protest. They were angry that they were not allowed |
| | to wear their KKK uniforms in school, yet are still |
| Eastglen:| allowed to practice their techniques. A strike may |
| | happen as a result. |
|___________|_______________________________________________________|
| __ __ | Cafeteria Food Bad |
|| \ / |_|=======================================================|
|| \/ |_| From Lazerte The funny taste in the cafeteria has |
|| |\ /| |_| been discovered to be the missing academy program |
||_| \/ |_|_| students! don't eat the mystery meat! info confirmed. |
| | |____| |
| M.E.\_____| |
| Lazerte | |
|___________|_______________________________________________________|
To give us REAL Conection Corner info, call Bethlehem (403)477-2351
and E-mail Poison Ice.
CATSlash April Fools Issue - The Top Ten is not Real!
_________
/___ ___/_____ _____ '''''''''''''''''''''
/ // / ___ / __ \\ ' CATSlash Magazine '
/ // / // / / /_/ // ' Issue #9 '
/ // / // / / ____// ' April, 1997! '
/ // / //_/ / // ' File #6 of 6 '
/_// \_____/_// '''''''''''''''''''''
_________
/___ ___/____ __
/ // / ___//\ / //
/ // / /__ / \ / //
/ // / ___// /\ \/ //
/ // / /___/ // \ //
/_// \____/_// \//
By: Poison Ice
Top Ten things that CHM could stand For:
10. Continental House of Muffins
9. Central Haggis Mart - "Your one stop haggis shop!"
8. Chicken Heart Marketers
7. Canadian Hoser Militia
6. Crappy Havok Militia
5. Cheezy Hairless Monkeys
4. Club Halfass for Men
3. Crazy hillbilly Militia
2. Crippled Hairdressers of Mongolia
1. Constipated Hippo-sized Mommas boys
=====================================================================
Other CATSlash Info:
=====================================================================
Ok, this is where the issue becomes real again...
____________
/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\Disclaimer/~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
< C.A.T.S or CATSlash Magazine are not responsible for any incid- >
< ents occuring from this magazine or past issues. This is for >
< informational purposes and anything described in these files >
< are not meant to be done by the reader. So, if you blow off a >
< body part, we aren't reaponsible. You are you! >
\________________________________________________________________/
_____________________________________________________________________
Text issues of CATSlash Magazine at:
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&&& && &&& && &&& &&&e&& && &&& &&& && &&& &&& && &&
&&&e&" &&&e &&& &&& && && &&&e &&&e&& &&&e &&& && &&
&&& && &&& &&& &&& && && &&& &&& && &&& &&& && &&
&&& && &&& &&& &&& && && &&& &&& && &&& &&& && &&
e&&&e&" e&&&e&& e&&" e&&" && && e&&&e&& e&&& && e&&&e&& e&&" && &&
&&
The official CATSlash &&&&&&&&&& Call:
distribution board! && (403)477-2351
&&
Files on H/P/A, the Occult, Music and more...
______________________________________________________________________
Catslash is supported by:
______________
/ \ Anarchy Online
/\ \ ================
//\\ |
// \\ | The top source of anarchist information on
----//----\\--------- the web! With full Internet utilities and
// \\ | gigabytes full of H/P/V/A/C philes!
// \\ /
// \\ / Internet: http://anarchy-online.com
\______________/ Telnet: telnet://anarchy-online.com
_____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
~CATSlash Magazine is made in Canada! ~
~ /\ ~ ~
~ |\/ \/| ~ __ _ ~_ _ _
~ | | ~/ /_| |\ | /_| | \ /_|
~ _/\ | | /\_ ~\___/ | | \| /~ | |_/ / |
~ _| \| |/ |_ ~ __ _ __ ~ __
~ \ \ / / ~|__\ / \ / |_/ /_
~ \ / ~| \ \_/ \__ | \ __/
~ \ / ~ ~
~ /_____ _____\ ~ ~
~ | | ~ ~
~ | | ~ ~
~ |__| ~ ~
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_____________________________________________________________________
______________
| / | CATSlash Magazine is made with
| | / | | '''''''''Macintosh''''''''''''
| / | '''''''''
| /__ | We also have a Mac version of CATSlash Magazine!
| \____|___/ | It comes as an application. Why is this better?
|_______|______| because the Mac version comes with pictures,
sound, movies, point and click interface plus
Macs Rule! all the other things you would expect to find
for your Mac. Check our web page for details.
_____________________________________________________________________
That wraps it up! See ya next month for the REAL philes!
- End of Issue -
