Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Capital of Nasty Vol. 05 Issue 14
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume V, Issue 14, AD MM
Monday, December 4, 2000
ISSN 1482-0471
-------------------------------------------
I imagine there's some retired KGB guy in Russia looking at all the
election turmoil in Florida, smacking his head and saying, "Why
didn't we think of that?"
Ross Perot should have run. The general attitude in the States is
not "Bush/Gore is the right man for the job" but "Ok, who sucks the
least?"
-------------------------------------------
Q. Why must we put on our pants one leg at a time?
A. If we jumped into our pants, simultaneously placing both legs in
at one time, we would land heavily on the ground. As a majority of
us are getting dressed at the same time of the morning, the
cumulative effect would cause an earth tremor.
Due to the use of time zones, the tremor established in eastern time
would arrive in the central zone at precisely the moment all those
people were jumping into their pants. The tremor would increase in
size exponentially, and proceed west to combine with the mountain
zone folks as they get dressed. As this cycle encircles the globe,
it would feed upon the next day's tremor and eventually cause the
earth's crust to break apart and float into space.
This is why we put our pants on one leg at a time.
-- sateesh@bluestar.co.in
-------------------------------------------
1. Editorial
2. Death isn't funny
3. Brilliant Solutions
4. Internet Killed the Video Star
5. 11 Noises My Roommate Makes.
-------------------------------------------
This week's Golden Testicle award:
http://randomgoat.capnasty.org
Random Goats
-------------------------------------------
1. Editorial
By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
This issue stood ready since November 16, but for some reason I just
never wrote the editorial to go with it, and hence, I never sent it.
November somehow disappeared in front of me and it's now December.
I didn't really notice. Everywhere I went, the moment Halloween was
over, Christmas decorations popped up. Any store I entered,
Christmas carols played. I twitched in horror. And I swear, there
is nothing worse than doing your grocery shopping on November 12,
and you get to hear all the wonderful variations of every possible
Christmas carol, as clerks walk by, with that nervous twitch in
their eye.
Jeff and I, on our way back from the video store, stopped at
McDonald to grab some synthetic food to eat. Being the big stomping
lad that I am, I asked for a Big Mac. Would you like fries with
that? Yeah, large, please.
"We don't have large fries" was the response.
I looked up at the cardboard display and I could clearly see three
sizes for the paper containers that hold the fries. And, as far as
I could tell, there were three sizes: a tiny one, one that was
bigger than that, and one that was bigger than all of them. When I
said "large" I assumed it was clear I wanted the big one of the
three.
Which brings an interesting point. When you order pop, you can get
the next size for something like 15 or 25 cents more. It makes no
sense. Why do I get four drops of coke for 3 bucks, and almost a
litre four 3 dollars and 25 cents? Fries are much the same.
So I stare at the minimum-wage slave with a "the fuck are you
talking about?" look, which was returned with that typical "I hate
my job, don't fuck with me" look.
"So you have no large fries? Ran out of the cardboard containers?"
"No, we just don't carry them anymore".
At this point I was confused. The person in line next to me just
got her large fries, and I was told they didn't carry them anymore.
Probably sensing my confusion the one-day-I'll-cure-cancer clerk
says "But we do have Supersize fries". Actually it sounded like she
said "Supe'size" kinda like when you say "Supe`fly". As she is
telling me this, she points happily at the larger of the three fries
containers on the cardboard display. The one I assumed was `large
fries'.
"So that's not large?"
"No, that's Supe'size(tm), large is right before it"
"So, that's not medium there, that's large"
"No, that's medium. Large was in between medium and the new size,
Supe'size(tm)"
"So if I ask for large fries, I won't get them. I have to ask for
Supersize, despite the fact that you don't carry large anymore?"
"Right".
I ended up getting my Big Mac with Supe'size fries.
Enjoy this much belated issue.
-------------------------------------------
2. Death isn't funny
By Graham Huber
It's not funny, really. Every day, I'm sure thousands of young
people die in freak accidents beyond their control. For instance,
just today I read that 107 people, mostly teenagers, burned to death
in a cable car tunnel on a ski mountain in Austria. The article said
most survived the initial crash when the cable snapped only to die
while trying to escape from acidic smoke that burned everything from
their hair to their eyes. I mean, to laugh at that, you'd have to be
one sick bastard. No, death isn't funny.
But STUPID death - people that die from the simple act of being too
inanely dumb to live - hell, that's hilarious.
Case in point: two kids hop into glorified riding lawnmower a couple
weeks ago during Take Your Kids to Work Day and manage to get
themselves killed by crashing into a PARKED truck. No, it wasn't
even moving, man. Not to mention the vehicle they were in tops out
at 30 km/h, which for comparison is exactly how fast phlegm leaves
your nose when you sneeze. In fact, somehow these formally-living
examples of Darwinian principles in effect became lodged under the
parked truck, so snuggly that rescue workers had to break out some
hardware to get the pieces out. It takes some real talent to get
yourself dead from an impact that normally isn't even enough to rip
a Kleenex.
And now, of course, the parents of these unfortunate products of
rampant idiocy are in arms about how such a devastating horror as
this has occurred. I say, stop worrying about your kids and start
worrying about yourself. Between the two of you, your genes somehow
managed to come up with such a winning combination that even against
all odds of probability, it managed to come out a winner and get
itself killed. In all likelihood, you are the next to go, probably
involving some kind of bathroom accident with a toothbrush, bare
feet and the tube of Astroglide. Oh, and of course, you will be
naked.
Last week's incident was what got me thinking about the whole
stupidity of the human race issue, but another incident I heard
about just now made me write it down. I receive a forward from a
random person over ICQ in memory of some poor soul who, as you might
guess, has died. Feeling morbidly curious, I ask what happened to
this particular tragic death. It was a car crash, apparently.
Disappointing, I know. The ghoul in me wanted a little action, like
a violent club stabbing, or maybe a terrorist raid. But instead
we've got a car crash - normally nothing worth any sort of sarcastic
retaliation. Apparently, the police determined the car was
fishtailing before it ended up compressed into a three-foot pancake
on the side of the road. Now here's the kicker. Apparently, our
young friend was INTENTIONALLY fishtailing. This act resulted in the
accident, and consequently, his death.
Let's recap:
He was attempting to simulate losing control, but instead lost
control, and died.
Excuse me, but. HAHAHA.
It seems there are some people that seem to be marked from birth as
Ones Who Will Die Stupidly, such as the first case. And then there's
this guy, who just plain ASK for it. Either way, if you die
stupidly, I gotta laugh, man. I'm sorry. But hey, it's not all that
bad. I mean, you brightened up my life, even if you were too dumb to
live through yours.
I'm not completely insensitive, but I reserve my tears only for
deaths of family members, the child victims of horribly disfiguring
and debilitating diseases, and the cancellation of Star Trek: The
Next Generation.
---
Graham Huber plans to die some day, and probably take a lot of
people with him.
-------------------------------------------
3. Brilliant Solutions
By Reverend Martinez
Everywhere we go these days we see nothing but the consequences of
brilliant solutions to the most challenging problems life has thrown
at our human race. We overcome. We are survivors. We thrive despite
the rampancy of AIDS and Thai food. So on that glorified view of
Homo Sapiens everywhere, let me begin my rant.
Brilliant solutions have fished us as a species out of some hot
porridge indeed. Case in point: old people started clogging
pedestrian traffic because of their sheer numbers way back in '74 -
I shudder to think of all those flapping gums and saggy meat
curtains shuffling their way through the downtown cores of urban
centres everywhere - so anyway did our great polyester ancestors
take it like a bitch on rollerskates? Hell no. Some genius invented
old folks homes. See how pedestrians smile to this day.
Another example: in 1802, nazis and fascists worldwide were
struggling to get their propaganda out to potential subservients of
the new world order according to the demented but charming leaders
of these newborn cults. However, due to the sheer population
explosion in the summer of 1790, which we historians like to call
"The Summer Lots Of Uptight Aristocratic Bitches Had Hot Hot Sex
With Every Manservant In Sight", they realized that there were at
least a billion people out there that were missing out on their
groundbreaking philosophies merely by living halfway around the
world. So did they sit around sulking and watching their black
shirts get eaten by gorilla moths? Hell no! They invented the
internet we so love and abuse today.
So there it is - I believe I have captured the magic that is
inherent in brilliant solutions everywhere. But I must point out
that the above-mentioned sparks of human intelligence are among the
larger-scale occurrences of brilliant solutions; most of them are
small and done on a very small budget. And the problems are far
from over.
Yes, you heard me right: on my rare trips to the village grocery
mart, I look around me and the air reeks with little annoyances, the
highest ranked being what a few of my colleagues and I have dubbed
"the sucking". You know that thing black folk do at the end of
sentences like "y'know what I'm sayin, homepiece?" or such classics
as "yo where's my mary jane homesquad" where they hold their teeth
together and suck through the gaps? White folk do it too. I have to
stop myself from laughing when in the presence of 'suckers' or I'd
get my head beat like Nancy Kerrigan. I don't understand. Why
waste energy trying to sound stupid? In the right hands that
sucking power could be harnessed to give electricity and running
water to impoverished native reservations.
Ranked second is the flu. One of the most bothersome acts of God
yet, I believe this has crossed a certain line. Young nubile women
I intend to seduce can't come out and play anymore cause they're
sick. At first I thought maybe the PTA realized what I was up to
but then I myself experienced the illness first hand and all I can
say is this: you'd think the big guy upstairs would think for a
second about where he throws his flu stick around... someone could
lose an eye with that thing. Typical example of being raised in a
broken home...
So there are my two main beefs with society today. I mean what are
we but private parts to the gods so that they may play with us for
their jest? My poor grandfather must be tossing and turning in the
low quality ottoman we buried him in. This leads me to suggest -
the reverend is in no way a man of action - that some brave and
courageous soul take it upon himself (yes that's right HIMself -
everyone knows women are no good at everything except taking it like
a bitch on rollerskates) to create what will be translated in all
the languages of this Earth as the Brilliant Solutions Party.
This party boasts not the issues that are relevant to the wealthy or
the poor - it is aimed at those who hate them both: angry middle-
class folk aged 20-45 who couldn't give a rat's jack ass about the
environment or fruity topics like abortion and capital punishment.
No, this party seeks to do what low-budget brilliant solutions can't
in this day and age. We must stand for nothing but the total
outlawing of "sucking" and those who perform this vile act should be
punished by turning them into Hootie or something. Or sending them
back to Jamaica. Another stipulation of this party would be to
fully fund a bi-weekly print edition of the Capital Of Nasty for
distribution in public schools worldwide - in English. Let the
nations of the world understand that any other language will be dead
or dying by 2007. As for the flu, no party can solve that problem
that would be playing fucking God.
So hark brave soul, angry youth! Sound the rallying call far and
wide so that all may hear the plea of our people. Join our masses in
saluting the dawn of a much less suck-filled world.
PS - when the Jamaicans come after you - which they most certainly
will - you may seek refuge in my parish. I will give you absolution
for your sins.
---
The views expressed in the preceding article are not necessarily the
views expressed by CoN, its staff, the Martinez family, or any self-
respecting citizen of the world... But it may as well be.
-------------------------------------------
4. Internet Killed the Video Star
By Jason MacIsaac
Sung to the tune of "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Bungles
I saw you on the tube back in Eighty-One
Watching the videos used to be so much fun
The industry changed so much when you were young
Oh-a oh
But now I'm sick of all the gameshows on MTV
I'd rather go online and download an MP3
When I get enough I'll burn another CD
Oh-a oh
I've got a modem
Oh-a oh
What do I need you for?
Internet killed the video star
Internet killed the video star
The cable modems broke your heart.
They don't know how to cope with new technology
They're all afraid of Napster's popularity
And they're worried it will kill the whole industry
MTV
You were the first one.
Oh-a oh
You were the worst one.
Internet killed the video star
Internet killed the video star
In my mind I'll download and see, before I go and buy the CD
Oh-a-aho oh,
Oh-a-aho oh
Internet killed the video star
Internet killed the video star
In your mind you're doing well, but your network's gone to hell
Broadband came and broke your heart, put the blame on DSL.
You are a video star
I am a Nap Star
Internet killed the video star
Internet killed the video star
Internet killed the video star
---
Jason MacIsaac has also killed a number of video stars, for which he
is serving six consecutive life sentences.
-------------------------------------------
5. 11 Noises My Roommate Makes.
Melissa DeWilde
Unfortunate Victim of the Housing Department
Since the beginning of this semester Leo has been expecting a Mel
Bitches About The Roommate article. And this is the best I care to
come up with right now.
1. The Smack - The tongue clicking against the roof of the mouth,
and the lips smacking at the same time. We can all do both, but the
RM can do them at the same time. For no apparent reason.
2. the crack-smack - the sound of her eating sunflower seeds. the
crack that reminds one of break bones, and the aforementioned smack.
such talent. I once found a shell in my bed. Not as bad as the
hairs on in my cups, but we're not talking about that.
3. the great-heaving-Shucks-Sigh - most often uttered whenever the
RM enters a room, presumably because "damn, it's cold" or she's just
plain beat. once said when it was deep in dreamland.
4. pssspasspsapssss - the sound of it reading. It can't do it in
it's head.
5. the tongue click - the smack simplified. made when eating.
6. youknowwhatimsayin'? - said multiple times when on the phone,
anywhere between 5 to 20 times per minute when it's the RMs turn to
talk. I'm totally convinced that she doesn't know what it means,
and it's become another subsitute for an actual thought, for
example, you know and like.
7. The finger crack - Most often done in the middle of the night.
8. Aheeeeeebitchaintgotnosense/business - Squealed as high as
possible. Used to describe friends or mutual acquaintances.
9. A Sample of Her (ahem) Music - (done to a bone shaking bass beat
and some thing i can't identify, nor describe) "Suckin', fuckin' me,
suckin', fuckin' you, suck 'n fuck my whole crew." I shit you not.
People pay for this.
10. Various mummbles and advice to the TV - Much like the sound of
her talking on the phone, but quieter. Most often witnessed during
Jerry Springer or Maury
Povich.
11. A door closing - The sound made when she leaves the room. One
can diferentiate between RM leaving and RM arriving by whether sound
#3 is present. I like this one.
Melissa DeWilde is bored. Smart and witty comment.
-------------------------------------------
CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.
CoN: send us your goats and make randomgoat proud
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost
electronically.
Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing
is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to
the Capital of Nasty mailing list.
Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN,
ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to
unsubscribe because such email aggravates your goat intolerance,
simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org.
Text issues of CoN archived exclusively by Disobey www.disobey.com
Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat)
Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro Colin Barrett
<leandro@capnasty.org> <tyrannis@capnasty.org>
ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
