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Capital of Nasty Vol. 01 Issue 28
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume I, Issue XXVIII, Year AD MCMXCVI
Monday, December 30th, 1996
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1. Last Volume
2. Colin's Quicks
3. Excuse me, I'm passing gas.
4. If I ever become an Evil Overlord
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1. Last Volume
With this issue, on the second last day of 1996, Volume I
of Capital of Nasty ends.
I took a look back at all the past issues, at all the work
that was placed in it by Colin, myself, and all of you people that
read and most of all have contributed to making CoN a growing experience.
When CoN started, I had this feeling it wasn't going to go that far.
It was May, Neetu and I were soon about to turn one year older,
the days were long, the sun made it unbearable, and I thought
things would never change. It's now the end of December,
January is next door, I'm 20 and a half, new dreams stand by
my side, and there are 27 issues behind this one that have
demonstrated an evolution in which we all took part. Even
those individuals that get CoN and delete it right away. Did it
occur to them that another week had gone by? What have we all done
in between each issue? I owe a lot to everyone, from the people
that work at IFront that supported me into what I was doing
and pitched in articles (Marco Tabini, Jason MacIsaac, Peter Steen),
to the space I was given on the server to place the pages (Mek Yitna),
to my best friends that participated with an incredible enthusiasm
into this (Betty Kwan, Bennett Kwan, Peter Fung, Emmet Stiff),
to the other editor of CoN that completely lost any sanity he
had left, spewing the weirdest ideas and creating
the best looking pages for CoN's homepage (Colin Barrett),
cigarette ashes and top ten lists (Peter Sprokkelenburg),
and to all of those other individuals that have sent something
in, big or small to let CoN grow (Suzanne Schumacher, Rosalba Nattero,
Maria Seccia, Flavia Asnaghi-Nicastro, Melissa "Rava", Xenia,
Matt DelVecchio, Franca Piscioneri, Adriana, Hijal Sirine, Sandra P.,
Jacqui "Rebel", Rudi Chiarito, MarXidad, Alessia Roettinger,
David Welton, Neetu Gandhi (no relation to Mahatma Ghandi), and
many more-- including Joey with his Chevette!!).
Thank you. CoN would never have made it without you.
Special thanks to my new platonic friend and for her mental support.
Have a great new year.
Leandro+ (Mr. Late)
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2. Colin's Quicks
by Colin Barrett (blonde@io.org)
Like most large shopping malls, the Eaton Centre in Toronto has computers
with touch screens throughout the mall to help people buy the perfect
Christmas gift for that special someone. The computer asks for some
criteria like the price range, the recipient's age and the gender of the
recipient, and the computer will provide a few gift suggestions and where
one may buy them. Just for fun, I thought I would sample some of the
computer's ideas and I entered some data: male, 66 years of age or older,
one to twenty dollar price range. Here are the ideas the machine provided:
Quartz Watches
Pnina Jewellers - North Mall
Gift Baskets/Boxes
Soapberry Shop - Level 2
Fresh Flowers
Flower Accents - Level 1
Parkside Restaurant/Marriott Hotel
Marriott Hotel - Level 1
Fila Bags
Watch & Wares - Level 1
Baseball Cap
Oh Yes Toronto - Level 1
Earl Grey Tea Caddy
Crabtree & Evelyn - Level 3
Eaton Centre Gift Certificate
Information Kiosk - Level 3
$3.99 Combos
McDonald's - Level 3
Caesar Salad
McDonald's - Level 1
I went with the $3.99 Combo as I thought the Caesar Salad would begin to
smell after a few days under the tree.
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3. Excuse me, I'm passing gas.
EXCUSE ME, I'M PASSING GAS
How often does someone have the courtesy to say those words to
you? Once a day? Twice? Or do they just let you *smell*, and wonder?
Do you find yourself looking around, wondering who cut that fart? I do.
Which is why I want to set a new standard of courtesy on the
Net. Even though you can't smell me, I still feel an obligation to tell
you that I've passed gas. It's just common decency, really. And it's
important that we set an example for our children, so they can learn and
practise proper manners.
You might be sitting at home, clicking away on your new Web T.V.,
and suddenly a big message comes on:
EXCUSE ME, I'M PASSING GAS
Yep, that's me. Setting an example. For all of us. Please tell
your children that they should tell everyone when they've passed gas, just
like I do. I may need a shave, and I may need new clothes, and I may bathe
in public school restrooms, but at least I know my manners.
Tell your children it's wrong to just cut a fart. Be loving but
firm. It's not the fart that's bad (Uncle Ed would welcome it.) It's the
silence. Inform your friends and, if there's an authority present, tell
her too. Don't be disruptive. Simply raise your hand and announce,
"Teacher, I'm passing gas."
Parents, band together with other adults to reinforce your
expectation. Be loving but firm. Gas is a natural part of life. We all
suffer from it. A few simple words help alleviate everyone's feelings.
Your children may complain now about announcing when they've passed gas.
But when they grow up they'll thank you for teaching them properly. And
you'll thank yourself for raising such gas-conscious children.
*~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~
NATIONAL GAS AWARENESS WEEK
"Don't Just Open Your Anus. Open Your Mouth too."
*~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~~~~~ *~
Andrew Roller Presents
FUCK DECENCY
Issue No. 157
-Fuck Decency: http://members.aol.com/nnd6/fuckdecency.html
-Free Fuck Decency e-mail subscriptions: send (18 or up) age
statement to: roller666@aol.com
-To unsubscribe: Send $100.00 to The North American Man/Boy Love
Association, P.O. Box 174, Midtown Station, New York, NY 10018.
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4. If I ever become an Evil Overlord:
courtesy of Peter Steen (peters@ifront.com)
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will
be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him,
and then say "No".
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't
believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word
"mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom
of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned
disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military
boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage
he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
21 Rules of Combat, According to Murphy's Laws
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1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are
dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main
attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to
slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be
able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a
combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the
enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapons are made by the lowest bidder,
take care of them if you want them to take care of you.
21. If it's stupid...but it works, it isn't stupid.
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