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Capital of Nasty Vol. 01 Issue 08
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume I,Issue VIII, Year MCMXCVI AD
Friday, August 9th, 1996
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1. Beep Beep BEEEP Kaboom KABOOM!
2. Shall I Compare Thee? by Jason McIsaac
3. The Meaning of Life by Leandro
4. How to take over the world with 10 bucks
5. CON: Okay so we are late.
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1. Beep Beep BEEEP Kaboom KABOOM!
by Chris Aberle
This is a paper I did for a class, humorous
though
Modern Safety Alarms are totally inadequate for
the protection of idiots from danger, and which
deaf people can't hear.
Todays average idiot is significantly dumber
than their predecessors.
Polling the courts show that based on the
quality of lawsuits, people are doing acts that
particularly stupid, but are not liable for any
consequences of their actions. Therefore, to
days working world requires safety alarms that
actually work.
Safety alarms attempt to keep idiotic and
innocent people out of danger.
Years ago, it used to be that people just
weren't aware that a danger existed, and so the
safety alarm was conceived to warn people of
imminent danger. Then came the lawsuit. It's
sole purpose in life is to justify the actions
of the stupid. The lawsuit then forced the
innocent population to rig the alarms from
ordinary signs to annoying beepers. This removed
the effectiveness of natural selection, which
had nearly eliminated the idiot population.
Nowadays, the idiot has flourished, all perils
nearly eliminated. People even more stupid are
starting to spring up in defiance of nature
(dumb idiots?). Safety beepers are loosing their
effectiveness. This calls for drastic
improvement. The safety al arms now need to be
fool proof.
An effective deterrent to stupid people might be
periodic sonic booms.
Really loud ones could be felt by a person
lacking the
sense of hearing. It would also shake the dumb
idiot walking along, giving their attention a
real shake. (Anyone with any hearing after the
sonic boom gets a $5,000 prize.)
Another solution would be mechanical robotic
arms that could stretch out and physically
relocate the person to a point out of danger.
But it's out of the question as some idiot might
press assault charges. Hence, we can't touch the
person.
Therefore, we need a method to shake the
person's attention. A bomb just might
successfully get everyone's attention. A bomb of
small size would move most of the people out of
the area, save the dumbest of all idiots.
The best solution would be the detonation of a
few nuclear warheads. This has the definite
advantage of making sure that nobody gets run
over. One would never have to worry about
anything again.
Of course we'd all be safe if we were to hide
under our beds for the rest of lives. But, what
about the monsters under the bed?
Chris Aberle
Email - caberle@u.washington.edu
Web - http//weber.u.washington.edu/~caberle ----
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2. Shall I Compare Thee?
Jason MacIsaac <jason@ifront.com>
A Mock Shakespearean Sort-Of Sonnet
Occasionally in Iambic Pentameter
Shall I compare thee to a guinea pig?
Thou art taller and less hairy
Relative body mass taken into due consideration;
and though both we mammals be
Guinea pigs are members of the rodent family
where we are in all probability descended from
apes
Though it is unfair to say that Darwin said
this, when in fact
what he said was that apes and man have a common
ancestor
Anyway where was I guinea pigs oh yeah
Nor is your body ninety percent arse such as a
guinea pig's arse be
really you don't have much in common at all
forget I even brought it up
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3. The Meaning of Life by Leandro
"life adj._ n.1. the general condition that
distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects
and dead organisms, being manifested by growth
through metabolism, a means of reproduction, and
internal regulation in response to the
environment. 2. the animate existence or period
of animate existence of an individual. 3. a
corresponding state, existence, or principle of
existence conceived of as belonging to the soul.
4. the general or universal condition
of human existence. 5. any specified period of
animate existence. 6. the period of existence,
activity, or effectiveness of something
inanimate, as a machine, lease, or play. 7.
animation; liveliness; spirit The party was full
of life. 8. the force that makes or keeps
something alive; the vivifying or quickening
principle." [Random House Webster's Dictionary,
Electronic Edition]
Life, and the meaning of it all. It
seems that the whole purpose of the human race
has been to give a meaning to "life". Honestly
it seems that it has no meaning to start with.
Or if it does, it's not just ONE meaning, but
many meanings. The Holy Grail is the meaning
of life, will make us live forever. But
thinking about it seriously, don't we all have
our own Holy Grails to follow? Perhaps that
is the TRUE meaning of life. Finding something
which is worth dieing for. And we'll realize
how precious life is, how we shouldn't waste
it and learn to live it. Don't waste your
time doing stupid things, don't delay things
you can do now: you love that person? Tell
them. Even if you get a NO, at least you
will not be hunted by the doubt for the rest
of your life.
What is YOUR meaning of life? Please
send it in.
"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get
out of it alive"[RefAlive]
Bernard Fontenelle
"Life a sexually transmitted disease which
afflicts some people more severely than
others"[RefDisease] Unknown
"Life is what's going on while you are trying to
make other plans"[RefOn]
John Lennon
"42"[Ref42]
Douglas Adams
"Life is a bitch and then you die"[RefBitch
Many
"Life (noun) that property of plants and animals
(ending at death) which makes it possible for
them to take in food, get energy form it, grow,
etc. "[RefProperty]
Dictionary
"To breathe, love, smile, sleep under the
stars,...,the small pleasures. That's
Life"[RefStars]
Night Panthers
"We have to find life's meaning for one reason
it doesn't have a meaning"[RefGive]
Henry Miller
"Life is a Hospital where every patient wants to
change to another bed"[RefHospital]
Charles Baudelaire
"To master yourself, then everything, if there
is anything, after that"[RefMaster]
Poum
"I'm married with children. I don't have a
Life"[RefBundy] Al Bundy
"Life! Don't talk to me about life"[RefMarvin]
Douglas Adams
"A twinkies' Meaning of Life is to be enjoyed
like the stupid snack cake
that...mmm...ohyaah...mmm...can't talk,
eating"[RefTwinkies]
Todd "Odd Ox" Stadler
"Certainly it's not waking up at 700 AM"
Judith Krawietz
"Don't mean shit"[RefShit]
Mr. Natural
Norman B. Larsen
Quotations take from:
http://www.geopages.com/Broadway/2230/index.html
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4. How to take over the world with 10 bucks
by El Gato
You're bored, you've got 10 bucks, and you
need something to do. Well, here's a
suggestion, how about world conquest! With just
10 bucks you CAN do it! Here's how.
First, walk down to you local Seven Eleven.
Unfortunately, for the first phase of this plan,
you must conform to society. Try to avoid a
glorious shoplifting attempt - it's to risky at
this stage. So swallow your pride, and calmly
use your 10 bucks to PURCHASE a bag of Chip's
Ahoy! cookies (NOT THE SOFT ONES).
Note: GotW receives no money whatsoever
for the endorsement of Chip's Ahoy Cookies.
Sixteen chips in each cookie adds powerful re-
enforcement to the apparatus you are about to
construct.
When you return home, go to the junk droor
and grab an Exacto knife (again, no money
involved) and cut all the cookies into this
shape:
/---\
<\ < | /\
\\___\ |__/ \
\ |
| ______/
\ /||
\/ \\
\>
Now get a nail file, and file the edges of each
cookie for approximately 3 days, until each edge
is sharp enough to split a hair off your head.
You now have a powerful throwing star! GotW
scientist have determined that this asymmetrical
shape will cause more damage than the
traditional star--the diagram is not just a lazy
attempt at ASCII art.
Next, take you deadly weapons to both a
department store and a grocery store (creative
people might try to raid one of those super-huge
stores that combine both a grocery and
department store!). Declare ownership of the
store; when they all give you a funny stare as
if you're crazy, calmly thrown the Chip's-a-
ninja-star at them. As people are instantly
decapitated and blood covers the floors,
continue hurling them.
note 1: Be careful not to damage any
merchandise. You will need some of it.
note 2: Because of the weapon's special
shape, it will return to you like a boomerang.
Since it will instantly rip you to shreds when
it hits you, please make sure to avoid it.
Once the shoppers abandon the store, you have
full control. From the supermarket get spam,
olive loaf, clam juice, a box of twinkies,
cellophane wrap, and some ammonia. From the
department store get a raincoat (make sure it
fits), some rubber boats, rubber bands, scotch
tape, a glass jar, and a spoon. Now you are
ready to take over the city!
Mix the spam, olive loaf, clam juice,
twinkies, and ammonia in a big bowl. Now eat
about one cup of it. You will instantly vomit
after trying this awful concoction--be sure to
have the jar ready to catch it as you puke.
Quickly seal the jar with the cellophane and a
rubber band. When those particular ingredients
mix with digestive juices, a radioactive
substance is formed. Luckily, you will be
protected from this because the mixture has been
sealed with cellophane.
Find a house that is in the center of the
city, and throw the jar through the window.
When it breaks, radiation will spread throughout
the city. RUN back home, get the rest of the
materials you plundered, and go to an area that
is radiation free.
Put the raincoat on, get a piece of
cellophane to cover your face, and seal
EVERYTHING with the scotch tape. Put the boots
on, punch a breathing hole in the cellophane,
and you now have a radiation suit! Go back to
the city. Since everyone is now dead, you can
declare yourself ruler!
Why stop at just a city though? Hell, go
for the entire world! By using this technique,
you can make weekends just a little more
exciting.
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5. Okay, so we are late. by Leandro
With shame I'll admit that this issue of
CoN has been done much the same way I make
lunch when I am too lazy to cook. I open the
fridge and pull out whatever I find that does
not have green stuff growing on it, does not
walk by it's own motive force, and most of all
it doesn't talk back at me. We are terribly
late, everyone at CoN has been so terribly lazy
but we all had better things to do. I had
this strange thing about being a photocopier
machine and eating burnt popcorn, but perhaps
I'll explain that in the next issue.
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